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Thread: The end of the road

  1. #1
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    The end of the road

    Im 37, and i've reached the point that I cannot fathom going on anymore.
    Yeah, there are certain things to be thankful for. But the things most important are escaping me.
    My marriage failed. I have a 4yr old son who is my world.
    In my 37 years, i feel like I have endured alot of suffering, no doubt a large portion of that due to my own choices.
    But im tired of it. Im tired of life. Tired of the suffering.

    I work a full time job, have done for years. But the cost of living has become so ridiculous, its hard to survive.
    My car is old and ty, as is my rental house.
    I've suffered depression for at least 6 years. The last year, I have developed general anxiety.
    Im sick of society. The judgement. The expectations. how fake people are, and their misleading agendas.
    The world is full of takers, and rife with greed.
    I used to be an extrovert, well liked by everyone.
    Now, I rarely leave the house.

    I was single for 5 years after my marriage, and eventually got to a good place alone. I got to see my son every weekend, and he brightened my world.

    This year, its all just coming crashing down.
    I met an old high school sweetheart, and we struck it off. She lived 500kms away, but we entered into a LDR. We gelled excellently, but it turns out long distance is hard. We both put in a heap of effort, but alas called it quits mutually a few months ago. I had been alone so long, I forgot how good it was to have a partner, and feel supported, and loved. Letting go has been really difficult. Mainly because neither of us fell out of love, just that the distance was too much, and obviously it just wasnt ment to be.

    From there, it just spiralled. My old 4wd broke down. Some unkind people burned my guitar in a bonfire. I went on a date to try fill the gap, but alas that too was a nightmare. I literally gave up, and resigned to just staying home, and avoiding everyone and everything. I stumble like a zombie through the week, pretending Im okay. The only reason I do it, is for my son. Having him brings me the only happiness in my life. He doesnt judge me, and loves me for me.
    Theres nothing more comforting than having him lay his little head on my chest while we watch a movie together.
    Its for these moments, and for him, that I continue to get up every day, and keep going on in this miserable life.
    This week my best mates girlfriend died of cancer. She was 21.
    And today, my ex came to tell me she intends on moving 1000km away with my son.
    Im devastated. Her family/living arrangements arent great, and she has a new partner in this new place.
    She is worried about how this is affecting our son.

    So now I've got a horrible decision to make. I can legally prevent her from leaving. Keeping my shinning light, my son, close to me. But in doing this, i'll be making her miserable, and also affecting him. I dont want to be selfish. I dont want to do that.
    The other, is to let her, and my son go. I'll become only a memory to him. At least she will be happier, and in turn, that would make him happier.
    But I'm not sure I can go on without him. Without him close, without bonding with him regularly, my life feels pointless.
    He was the last and only reason I'm still here.

    I dont like either option. I dont know what to do.
    My closest choice atm is to do the right thing, and let them go. Soon he will get used to not having me around.
    If it becomes to unbearablefor me, I can end my long sufferring, and it will affect him less.

    I dont want him to turn out like me. I am a good, kind, loving thoughtful man. But all this has caused me in life is pain.
    Now i'm but a shell of who I used to be, crippled with depression and anxiety. Its probably better he doesnt grow up around that.
    I know its extremely selfish, he deserves to have a dad. But the last thing i want is him seeing what a broken man Ive become.
    I'd rather he at least had the memories of his young years with me, and all the fun times we had together.

    I love my son so much.
    I hate how Ive ended up like this
    I feel so empty
    I feel so alone.
    I just want this nightmare to end.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry this is happening. Consult your attorney regarding visitation/custody and the legal aspects of her moving.
    Originally Posted by GarryGlascoe
    today, my ex came to tell me she intends on moving 1000km away with my son.
    I got to see my son every weekend, and he brightened my world.
    I can legally prevent her from leaving. Keeping my shinning light, my son, close to me.

  3. #3
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    OP, a dear friend of mine lost his father to suicide at a young age. He was barely old enough to remember much about his dad, but the loss truamatized him and has haunted him his whole life. Even now, at nearly 40, he struggles with it and mourns the fact that he never really had a father growing up. His mom later remarried, and he has a nice relationship with his step-father, but it isn't the same (his words) He has his moments of deep grief, even all these years later.

    Please, don't think that your son won't suffer more from not having you around at all. He will. You mean more to him that he can express to you and your ongoing presence in his life makes a difference that neither of you can even comprehend yet.

    Do speak to an attorney about your ex's current plan. It isn't fair that she uproot him and move far away from you, when it's clear you adore the boy and want to be in his life. It isn't selfish to want to find a compromise rather than concede to your ex's desires. You desires are important too.

    Also, if you haven't already, speak to a crisis care counselor. It sounds like you could really use some compassion and guidance from a person who is trained and experienced in navigating life's darkest moments. You might find it helpful to just get some of this off your chest, if not getting a course of action for a more positive way forward.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Carus's Avatar
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    I second what MissCanuck* has said above...^^

    One of my very best friends who I've known for 35 years lost his father to suicide when he was only 5 years old....

    He never really got over it....And last week he took his own life....I feel just a little bit more alone in the world now and feel deeply for his mother who is devastated*

    Having attempted suicide numerous times throughout 2018 after my own life collapsed I will say: I know that pain that you wear like a cloak every day, every week, every month....It's completely draining and suicide becomes seemingly the only way out....but it's not.....

    Out of the many therapies and treatments I sought to try and save my life I think it was a form of hypnotherapy called Quantum Neurological Recoding (QNR) that really pulled me out of that dark and painful place.... Perhaps you could see if it's available near you, or perhaps hypnotherapy....

    It was expensive but hey, I'm alive and doing better now...and I'm thankful for that*

    Having been down in that abyss I came to believe that suicide is not selfish...Anyone who says that does not know that dark place....that pain EVERY single day...It really does get too much for some....

    Is it selfish for someone to ask you to live every day in agonizing mental and physical pain just so they can feel better themselves...?

    But onto some more 'stats' type stuff....Somewhere in the world, someone attempts suicide every 40 seconds...Yep, it's one of the leading causes of death now, yet still so many people don't want to address it or talk about it....And out of every 20 attempts, only 1 succeeds.....

    It's not as easy as Hollywood would have you believe....and you wanna get it right....

    My birth father didn't get it right and will now spend the rest of his life in a wheel chair.......

    Gun shot - You might miss and end up disfigured.
    Pills - You might wake up with a kidney disorder.
    Hanging - You might break your back and end up a quadriplegic.

    The list goes on. Have I scared you enough yet...?

    By posting here you are still reaching out....You are still looking for a way out of that dark place....There is strength in you yet*

    You are still hanging onto and trying to return to what was....A time when life was better...easier....But you can not go backwards....

    However you now have the chance to really change things up.....Maybe it's time to look for a different job. a different place to live, different people to meet etc....

    After the QNR stabalized me, I gave away everything I had and moved out of the country....It was the best move I could have made and I believe it really came to a matter of Live or Die.....I still get to see my son and stepsons every two months....They won't forget you or hold it against you*

    Your brain has spent a long time forming these negative patterns and narratives so it will take some time and work to wind it back the other way. Time to put the past behind you and start putting some plans into action as to what you want to do going forward. The past does not have to dictate the future.

    I feel for you man. I know that place and can't believe I made it out alive....But when you do, you'll be so glad you did.

    Watch this video - [Register to see the link]

    Endure your hardest state. And save yourself for better fate. The world still needs you*

    Carus*

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    PLEASE do not let your son go!! You will regret it for the rest of your life. Do not let her take him!!!

    He needs you as much as you need him and he will be devastated that his daddy let him go. Don't do it!

    Go to a lawyer, fight for your parental rights. It does not matter about the ex. First and foremost, your son's needs matter above everyone else's and a child needs BOTH parents.

    A boy especially, needs his father!!!

    This is not about her, this is about your son. Do everything you can to have him stay close to both his parents and in the same city, even if it means telling the ex to consider BOTH you and her son.

    SHE is the one being increidbly selfish here and only thinking of herself.

    Don't allow it. Your son will never forget and will never stop crying for his Dad.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Please, don't think that your son won't suffer more from not having you around at all.
    This is 100% true. Do not belittle how much your son loves you or how much he needs you.

    Losing you, will affect him for the rest of his life. That is a guarantee. Being in another city is too far away, he needs and deserves you there as much as possible.

    Don't let her take him and don't fool yourself that he will be okay without you.

    Also, please get counselling asap. Your child needs you and you need to be in a good place to be the best Dad you can be. Go see a doctor, get on meds, get therapy, do whatever it takes to find your way back to healthy.

    You can do this!

  8. #7
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    Hi GarryGlascoe, please know that you are not alone.

    You know, being good, kind, loving and thoughtful is something to be proud of! And if your son grows up to be a good, kind, loving and thoughtful man - that's in all seriousness a great thing!! So, please fight for the right to be with your son. You're family and you deeply love each other. That's very much worth fighting for!

    Lastly, have you considered keeping a journal? Writing helps us emotionally and jotting our thoughts on paper help us heal. It's also a great coping mechanism for when life is difficult. There's a journal section on this forum, plenty of users write there regularly: [Register to see the link]

    I honestly wish you plenty of strength to get you through these times. Do not fear, there's hope.

  9. #8
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Something to think about children whose parents have committed suicide never never never never never never never never get over it . Ever .

  10. #9
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    Thank you for the replies.
    I am so torn, and in a dark place.

    the 14 years i was with my ex, I allowed her to drain the life out of me. I allowed her to damage me to a point where I now suffer self confidence issues, depression etc.
    I am on medication for depression, and normally manage okay. But this latest bomb has hit hard. I'm barely sleeping, not eating.
    Life has continually just beat down on me, and as much as I love my son, I just have nothing left in the tank to fight.
    Should I fight my ex, she will make it an all out war. I dont have the finances to support this, nor the mental stability to go through it.
    Plus I also worry deeply about the effect the whole battle will have on her, and more so, my son.
    I only wish the best for both of them. In the end, she will get what she wants, she always does. Up until this, she has been a good mother.
    I wonder again if my son isnt just better off going with her to live her new fairytale life.
    I love him to bits, but in my state, I am worried my precsence could possibly affect him negatively, and in his best interests, i should just let him go, and know he will be happy and okay, and probably better off in life.
    I have fought so long with my ex, during and after our marriage. I have had to fight so hard to stay a part of my sons life.
    Im just exhausted from it all. And yet still, my worst nightmare is about to come true.

    I'm so broken inside, I dont think it can be fixed anymore. I dont want my son to see that.
    The reality is, these are the options.
    1) fight a long drawn out battle with my ex, affecting both our mental healths, including our sons. Possibly go bankrupt trying to fight her. Have one of us take our lives from the stress of the ordeal. I could never forgive myself if something happened to his mother, he loves her, and doesnt deserve that.
    2) let her go. Tell my young son that I love him so very much, that I wish he didnt have to go, that I will always wish I could see him. That daddy wants him and his mummy to be happy. At least I'll know she will be in a better place, which is better for him. Its not ideal that I wont be in his life, But the options for that are limited. I'll just have to know doing that, will be better than option 1, and the damage it may cause. Wether I can deal with him no longer being in my life...thats just a bridge I'll have to cross when it comes.
    I'd never want to hurt him in anyway, but living in constant torture and sufferring is unbearable, and has been breaking me down more and more over time, to the point where I would rather not be alive, suffering like this.

    Thank you to those that have replied. Thanks to those that have been or know of simmilar situations.
    Know that I am trying my hardest, just to survive. But sometimes one can only take so much heartbreak.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Carus's Avatar
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    Reading your post I feel you are very wound up and you need rest....and perhaps her moving away will afford you a bit of that....

    Trust me, your son would rather see you every 2-3 months than never again....So make it happen....He's young now but won't be forever...

    I had a son taken away from me before birth when his mother went and married someone else and told him it was his kid.... It tore me to shreds*

    But eventually the truth came out when he was about 5 and I first met him.....I had sporadic contact over the years and now that he's 26 we can see each other whenever we want you feel me?

    Something else you wrote there made me think that it sounds like you have been narcissistically/emotionally abused for a long time and yes recovery from that takes a lot of time and a lot of work....but it can be done....

    I know the future looks bleak and your strength is waning (oh how I know), so start to think about what you need to do just to get through the day. If that is too much, what you need to do to get through the next hour....If that is too much, the next 5 mins....ok?

    Sending you strength buddy...If you can make it through this you will be well placed to help others who need your help....just like I'm doing now.

    I know that darkness....But I also know what awaits you on the other side*

    Hang In There*

    Carus*

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