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Thread: I Cheated on my Abusive Ex.. many conflicting feelings.

  1. #1
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    I Cheated on my Abusive Ex.. many conflicting feelings.

    I want to begin by noting that what I did was not right, and I will not try and use my ex boyfriends abusive and toxic behavior as an excuse for mine.

    I recently, as in this morning, exited a toxic relationship. There were many reasons as to why this relationship should have ended but I feel so terrible about why it ultimately ended. For months I tried to excuse his toxic and abusive behavior because I wanted it to work- so much so that in the process I was just worn down by it all. I left him a couple weeks ago. I was so nervous about him talking to other women (as he had in the past, he kept his ex girlfriend around the entire relationship), him being mean to me (he would take out his anger on me, never physical abuse just lots of putting me down and cussing at me), and him not talking to me much (he was busy and stressed and whenever i would bring us not spending time together up in conversation he would get really mad at me for not being understanding) so i just left. I told him i loved him but that we should probably have time apart to work on each other, etc. And i meant it- i wanted to sort my out mentally and have him sort his out however way need be so that we could hopefully have a stable relationship. But after that- we spent more time together still and a couple days ago we got into a fight. Not even really a fight, he just took his anger out on me. I was having a particularly bad day at home so i decided to try and talk to him about it (which i never do because i hate to be a burden), but he said i always could so i felt i should take the offer when i really needed it. Well it ended up becoming that my issues were not his issues (to which i understood) but it made me feel really sad that the guy who said he loved me so much would treat me like that. He said all of that and it escalated into him hating me and that i was a stupid . I was just too stunned to talk, so we didnt for a couple of days. I blocked him and in my mind decided that i wanted to end the relationship. He had called me and threatened to smash the stuff i had left at his house and i just couldnt handle it anymore so i knew it needed to be over. Still- he had a mutual friend of ours message me to tell me to contact him, so i did. I went over to help him move out of his apartment (thats an entirely different messy story) and we ended up having the best couple of days, until yesterday, or this morning. Whenever M and i would have these blow out fights, i would run for comfort. Not like it matters much but i would always contact men over the internet, men i didnt know or plan on knowing. I feel so guilty about this, this is my fault. Early this morning he went onto my phone and into all of my conversations and saw where i had vented about him to other men, other men who complimented me and encouraged me to leave. I feel so guilty, i know i should not have allowed that if i wanted things with M to work out.. but then again i knew they never would.. I dont know what to do or how to feel really. .

    I know that the relationship is over now. I am kind of scared. When he found out this morning- he acted really calmy and really nicely towards me. He told me that i was forever going to be one of his favorite people and he holds me very closely to his heart. I want to take that and run but its very unnerving to me because he used to get so angry at me for the littlest of things. He would cuss at me and raise his voice at me and threaten me over small things (and as in small i mean one time we got into it because i missed the turn for his apartment complex and that resulted in me being apparently being dumb). He would accuse me of having a thing for our friends, and now to him, his feelings are justified. I feel so guilty that i hurt him this way, even though i didnt mean to. I always wanted it to work out, so much so that i put it ahead of myself. I know its time to let it go and move on. I just dont know what else to do. I wasted a lot of time, and ruined a lot of good things in my life, all for someone who didnt treat me all that great.

    I feel crazy. I feel like i cant talk to anyone. I feel like i have some sort of victim complex and i dont want anyone to hear it. But truth it that dude really hurt me, i kept going back and that was my decision because something in me really wanted that relationship to work. Its almost as if whenever things with him were good- my soul and my anxiety were good as well. Even though he would put me down, cheat on me, talk about other girls sexually To me, threaten me, lie to me, call me names, cuss at me, just not have a care for me, i tried to make it work. I feel so dumb and alone. I ended up giving him a reason behind all of those awful things he said about me and i dont think i can live with myself

  2. #2
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    You need to focus why you stayed in this nightmare. By focusing on your emotional cheating, negates his treatment towards you.

    Call a hotline or see a therapist for abuse. You need to understand why you were in this. Also, why you need male attention to deal with your problems. Do you have any friends or family to talk to?

    Why would you go back, and also help him move?
    Last edited by Hollyj; 06-27-2019 at 03:16 PM.

  3. #3
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    OK. I am sorry you are going through all of that. It certainly can't be easy for you. It is obvious that you are hurting and it will take you some time to heal. He really did a number on you.
    What you need to focus on right now (as in immediately) is making sure you are in a safe place with people that you trust--people who make you feel like you are worthy. Do not get romantically involved with anyone right now. Just don't. You are broken.

    When you have had time to decompress, you need to look inside yourself and ask some questions:
    What part of him saying he hated you and that you were stupid made you decide to go back to him?
    What are you so insecure about that you allowed yourself to be treated so badly?
    Why did you cheat?
    Why were you nervous that he might cheat?
    What was it that made you think that the relationship might work or could work?
    What made you go back to him?
    What made you go back to him?
    What made you go back to him?
    WHAT MADE YOU GO BACK TO HIM?

    Block him from all contact. Now. Tell you friends not to talk about him around you. And get yourself professional help. You HAVE to take care of yourself right now!

  4. #4
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    So, you're upset that he didn't react by abusing you?

    Tell me, do you interpret his abusive jealousy as a sign he "really loves " you?

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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    So, you're upset that he didn't react by abusing you?

    Tell me, do you interpret his abusive jealousy as a sign he "really loves " you?
    Thatís such a good point- I never thought of it that way. No I am happy he reacted the way he did (I even thanked him in the moment for it because it was that out of the ordinary). I am more so just questioning his sudden change of temperament and what it might actually mean. Because usually when heís really nice when he usually isnít, something bad happens

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    Were there other people around? He was probably being nice to be impressive to other people... It's a classic tactic. DOn't take it and run. Just run. Far, far away from him.

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    You need to focus on getting help and not dating for a long while. You should only focus on you and staying in this situation.

    No more reaching out to strangers to play your therapist.

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    thank you thank you, that is just what i needed to hear i think.

    Yeah a lot of what he did wasnt cool of him- but youre right, i allowed a lot of it and i did keep going back. Im not sure why i kept going back.. guess i'll get right on figuring that out :/

  10. #9
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    Definitely educate yourself on abusive relationships. Read up on the cycle of violence. Get therapy to sort things out and readjust your thinking. That damage from abuse is multifaceted, but not irreparable. Your chances of ending up in another one will decrease if you educate yourself and get therapy.

    Running to a savior is like a band-aid. In fact many are wolves in sheep's clothing because through your own account and disclosure to him, you are willing to tolerate abuse.

  11. #10
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    Thank you for your replies Holly xx i think youre right in that i need to get help and i will look into that. Your advice is solid. I can do without comments such as your last, though. Whether or not you want to 'play therapist' is up to you. Im already down, you dont need to kick me as well. I get it alright? Sorry. I dont have anyone else here to talk to about this, so if i want to reach out to strangers for help then i will.

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