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Thread: I Cheated on my Abusive Ex.. many conflicting feelings.

  1. #11
    Bronze Member
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    May 2019
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    Originally Posted by sullensloth
    Thank you for your replies Holly xx i think youre right in that i need to get help and i will look into that. Your advice is solid. I can do without comments such as your last, though. Whether or not you want to 'play therapist' is up to you. Im already down, you dont need to kick me as well. I get it alright? Sorry. I dont have anyone else here to talk to about this, so if i want to reach out to strangers for help then i will.
    You've got this. You can do it.

  2. #12
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    yeah youre probably right. a change in mindset would probably do me good. thank you
    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Definitely educate yourself on abusive relationships. Read up on the cycle of violence. Get therapy to sort things out and readjust your thinking. That damage from abuse is multifaceted, but not irreparable. Your chances of ending up in another one will decrease if you educate yourself and get therapy.

    Running to a savior is like a band-aid. In fact many are wolves in sheep's clothing because through your own account and disclosure to him, you are willing to tolerate abuse.

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by sullensloth
    Thank you for your replies Holly xx i think youre right in that i need to get help and i will look into that. Your advice is solid. I can do without comments such as your last, though. Whether or not you want to 'play therapist' is up to you. Im already down, you dont need to kick me as well. I get it alright? Sorry. I dont have anyone else here to talk to about this, so if i want to reach out to strangers for help then i will.
    I wasn't trying to kick you while you're down but I think you need to address why you reach out to strange men on the internet for advice and attention. This is a part of the problem: dependence on men. I am glad that you are here seeking advice.

    Are you saying you don't have any friends, or don't feel comfortable sharing with them?
    Last edited by Hollyj; 06-27-2019 at 04:23 PM.

  4. #14
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    I'm not trying to be harsh, but I think you're a classic enabler. Every time you accepted his derogatory comments, his cheating, his lying, hismashing things around and calling you names, you were teaching him that it's ok to do that and there would be no consequences.

    The ex boyfriend isn't the problem. The problem is that you clearly have such low self esteem that you would allow that behavior to exist and continue. I'm thinking that you need to spend a lot of time in self examination to determine why all of that happened.

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  6. #15
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    I can fully understand finding solace in strangers; you can't talk to anyone else. This guy has completely broken you. I don't know if you have any friends or family to lean on, but I suspect that after you went back to this toxic man over and over, and complained over and over again about him, your friends and family all stopped tolerating your complaining and started telling you to leave, and they were done listening to the complaints...he's a jerk and leave.

    Many started distancing themselves from you and your toxic side-kick. They didn't like him, and because he would be in tow for events, and a constant source of contention in conversation, they had to remove you.

    If friends/family told you to get out of this relationship and stop whining, YOU distanced yourself from THEM.

    These strangers were willing to give you the platitude you wanted, while your friends/family were telling to to "get over it" and "dump him". They can no longer help you if you keep going back to this jerk.

    Sound familiar?

    This is what abusers do. The first thing they do is break your support system while they are systematically breaking you.

    What you need to do now is seek professional counselling. If your family and friends cannot listen to you right now, the counselor is going to be your sounding board, and accept their recommendations and work those recommendations. No more men on the internet...no dating or thoughts of dating. You need to take time to heal first. Surely you can find support boards similar to ENA as well.

    One thing you need to work very hard on is remembering the millions and millions of multiple times this bottom feeder treated you like dung on his shoe, belittled you, cussed at you, name-called, and made you feel worthless and stupid, embarrassed, and humiliated. The very few times of kindness are just memories of a tiny drop of water when dehydrated in a desert...it's so easy to feel so grateful for this tiny morsel, and feel loved...and then it goes back to the standard fare of walking on eggshells...and you need to remember, HE withheld the water during the drought.

    You'll get yourself back...you've got to completely cut out him AND his friends and family. I don't care what pleadings his friends shower on you...block them all. They are not your friends.

    You will feel a huge loss. One loss you are feeling is a huge, HUGE level of anxiety that has governed your life for a long time, and that absence of anxiety leaves a major void. It's a GOOD void, but it takes awhile to realize that, because right now it feels bad...it's a loss.

    One step at a time. You'll get there.

    [Register to see the link] by Lundy Bancroft. I highly recommended. Read it.

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