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Thread: I really need an opinion on this

  1. #1
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    I really need an opinion on this

    I met a guy on the 2nd of this month, and we really hit it off. After our 3rd date we ended up taking a moonlight walk on the beach, and having a steamy and romantic make-out session. After this, he started to call and want to see me more.

    We ended up having a discussion about what a relationship would look like to both of us, and he told me heís definitely looking to be in a relationship with someone, but he wants to take his time getting to know her. He said he has the habit of rushing into sex, and it really got him hurt and disappointed in his last two relationships. He said heís very attracted to me, and is afraid of moving too fast sexually because of it.

    I asked what ďtaking his timeĒ meant, and he basically described an exclusive situationship in which he does dates, sex and coupleís getaways with a woman for an extended period of time until he decides to put a label on the relationship. He told me that was how his past 2 relationships went, and the women were okay with it. I told him that situation sounded a lot like friends with benefits to me, and that isnít something Iím willing to do with him or anybody else. He was offended that I called it that, and said that is not what heís trying to do, he just wants to make sure he can get along with a woman in coupleís situations before committing. This turned into a bit of a heated argument, and he felt it was better to have it in person.

    Since he lives in my home town, I went over to his place to talk. I agreed to be in an exclusive situationship with him, but I would not have sex with him until we decide to make the relationship official. I told him that I felt comfortable making out and fooling around a little, but I couldnít have sex with him. So sure enough we made out and fooled around a bit, and I went home before we got carried away.

    The next morning he invited me out to breakfast at a local diner and he was super affectionate, and seemed to really let his hair down. We had a great time, and couldnít keep our hands off each other. We ended up back at his place making out again, and then in deep conversation. He told me he doesnít think home visits are a good idea. He likes my idea of waiting for sex, especially because our times together feel so good and natural. He said that sleeping with people too soon clouds your perception of them and itís hard for him to separate his lust from his true feelings.

    We kissed and said goodbye, and now communication has picked up a little. He stopped texting and just FaceTime calls now. I try to keep the calls under 10 minutes, and that seemed to make him call more often. We laugh and joke and talk about everything. Iím learning that heís very sensitive and emotional, and itís pretty easy to hurt his feelings.

    He has mentioned that heís frustrated that I wonít come over and spend the night with him, but he knows itís for the best. He said that even looking at me on FaceTime turns him on, and waiting for sex with me is hard for him. He said he was afraid to tell me this, because he doesnít want me to feel violated and stop seeing him. That he really likes me, and loves talking to me, but he feels conflicted, and heís frustrated because he wants me there with him at night.

    I told him that I appreciated his honesty, and if it felt like too much for him, he should go find a situation that makes him happy. That Iíd rather not see someone at all than to get into an undefined casual sex situation when itís not something I believe in. He said he understood and respected that, and felt that what Iím saying is correct. He said that waiting will give us something to look forward to if things work out, and based on our chemistry, he knows sex with me will be amazing.

    Since itís summertime, I have a lot of outings planned with friends, and I canít give him all of my time. I have two vacations planned next month, and a bunch of really cool parties in NYC and at casinos. Heís mentioned on multiple occasions that he doesnít think I have time for him, but I tried reassuring him that Iíd always make time, and would never treat him like he doesnít matter. Iíd love to invite him to these parties and trips, but heís not my boyfriend (since itís only been 3 weeks) and I donít think itís appropriate. Especially since he told me he needed to go through the situationship phase.

    I guess Iím a little bothered that he wants relationship privileges with women without being in a relationship. I understand that itís 2019, but I canít emotionally be in a casual sexual relationship. Also, it seems like he became more interested in me after I asked him to wait, when he said that it frustrates him.

    I guess I wanted somebody elseís opinion on this, because if things do work out, I wouldnít want to have told my friends or family about his sexual history.
    Last edited by Badlover; 06-25-2019 at 08:36 PM.

  2. #2
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    There are plenty of men who have the same relationship boundaries you have.

    Instead of trying to convince him (and yourself) that it's worthwhile to wait, why not date a man whose beliefs match yours?

  3. #3
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    There are plenty of men who have the same relationship boundaries you have.

    Instead of trying to convince him (and yourself) that it's worthwhile to wait, why not date a man whose beliefs match yours?
    He says he likes me, and wants the same things, but then turns around and says heís frustrated. Itís interesting that you see a misalignment of values/beliefs.

    I guess what made me think we were in sync was that he said he wanted to wait for sex, even before I told him I wanted to. Itís just weird because heís saying he wants it but doesnít want it at the same time.

  4. #4
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    Usually when someone is "confused", it's because what they believe and what's in front of them do not match.

    I think if he's agreeing to wait for sex, he should stop talking about it so much. Telling you how difficult it is for him to wait sounds like a manipulative way to try to convince you to go ahead and sleep with him.

    And if this is his belief structure, how come he never did this before? What you wrote about how he's been conducting his dating life sounds nothing like "I want to wait for an exclusive relationship before having sex."

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Well, this is an awfully lot of talking and mapping for three weeks, I have to say.

    I know everyone does this stuff differently, but this whole "situationship" sounds likeówell, an overly complicated way to describe dating. You don't want to have sex before you're in a committed relationship, he doesn't want to have sex right away eitherócool.

    So what, exactly, is the dilemma? You get to date for a bit to see if you guys want to commit. That's pretty standard, no? Just as it's pretty standard to not be ready to commit to someone you've only known for a week or three.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Oh I think he wants to have sex with you and as soon as you are willing, he'll be right there. I think he might be telling you what you want to hear (that he'll wait) but really he is anxious to have sex with you soon. I see two things going on here, and that you and he are not really on the same page.

    Congrats to you for sticking to your values!

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    Usually when someone is "confused", it's because what they believe and what's in front of them do not match.

    I think if he's agreeing to wait for sex, he should stop talking about it so much. Telling you how difficult it is for him to wait sounds like a manipulative way to try to convince you to go ahead and sleep with him.

    And if this is his belief structure, how come he never did this before? What you wrote about how he's been conducting his dating life sounds nothing like "I want to wait for an exclusive relationship before having sex."
    You are right, if he wants to wait, he needs to stop talking about it. I guess I saw it as him being transparent with me, but it could be an attempt to manipulate me into sleeping with him as well.

    It sounds like heís been doing friends with benefits and thinking it will turn into a healthy relationship for a while. He told me his last gf/friend with benefits/situationship was over a year ago, and the relationship only lasted 6 months but did a lot of damage to him. After sex he ended up getting emotionally caught up in this woman, and she somehow ripped apart his self-esteem and decided he wasnít what she was looking for and abandoned him. He didnít get into details as not to badmouth her, but he said he went into a major depression after she left him, and started gaining weight. He needed to do therapy for about a year, and is now in a place where he feels healthy enough to try again.

    He said in the relationship before her, he was having sex with a woman in an undefined situationship for 3 months and she fell in love with him. She told him casual friends with benefits was okay because she was scared he wouldnít want her if she told him she wanted more. He said within a few weeks of sex, she gave him a power over her that he didnít want. She became extremely submissive and almost desperate to please him. Once he realized how deeply she felt for him, he ended the relationship because it would be wrong to mislead her when he knew what she wanted vs. what she was telling him to keep him around were completely different. He said ending the relationship really hurt her, and he still feel guilty about it.

    He said that having sex too soon never works out for him, and he wants to stop the cycle. Because he was so transparent about his past and why, I thought it might be true. Maybe he has some things he needs to work through still.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Well, this is an awfully lot of talking and mapping for three weeks, I have to say.

    I know everyone does this stuff differently, but this whole "situationship" sounds likeówell, an overly complicated way to describe dating. You don't want to have sex before you're in a committed relationship, he doesn't want to have sex right away eitherócool.

    So what, exactly, is the dilemma? You get to date for a bit to see if you guys want to commit. That's pretty standard, no? Just as it's pretty standard to not be ready to commit to someone you've only known for a week or three.
    I thought about this too, and maybe I just need to go with the flow and see if we are right for each other. Although we have different ways of describing things, I kind of feel like we want the same thing, just for different reasons.

    I struggle with dating, and I like to get outside perspectives without telling my friends my business. I personally have a 6 month limit on how long I will allow him to decide if he likes me, especially if Iíve already made up my mind in him. Ideally, Iíd like to get to know him for 3.5 months. I feel that is enough time for him to let his guard down and be himself.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by Badlover
    You are right, if he wants to wait, he needs to stop talking about it. I guess I saw it as him being transparent with me, but it could be an attempt to manipulate me into sleeping with him as well.

    It sounds like heís been doing friends with benefits and thinking it will turn into a healthy relationship for a while. He told me his last gf/friend with benefits/situationship was over a year ago, and the relationship only lasted 6 months but did a lot of damage to him. After sex he ended up getting emotionally caught up in this woman, and she somehow ripped apart his self-esteem and decided he wasnít what she was looking for and abandoned him. He didnít get into details as not to badmouth her, but he said he went into a major depression after she left him, and started gaining weight. He needed to do therapy for about a year, and is now in a place where he feels healthy enough to try again.

    He said in the relationship before her, he was having sex with a woman in an undefined situationship for 3 months and she fell in love with him. She told him casual friends with benefits was okay because she was scared he wouldnít want her if she told him she wanted more. He said within a few weeks of sex, she gave him a power over her that he didnít want. She became extremely submissive and almost desperate to please him. Once he realized how deeply she felt for him, he ended the relationship because it would be wrong to mislead her when he knew what she wanted vs. what she was telling him to keep him around were completely different. He said ending the relationship really hurt her, and he still feel guilty about it.

    He said that having sex too soon never works out for him, and he wants to stop the cycle. Because he was so transparent about his past and why, I thought it might be true. Maybe he has some things he needs to work through still.
    If he wants to stop the cycle, he needs to quit telling you how difficult it is for him to not have sex with you.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by melancholy123
    Oh I think he wants to have sex with you and as soon as you are willing, he'll be right there. I think he might be telling you what you want to hear (that he'll wait) but really he is anxious to have sex with you soon. I see two things going on here, and that you and he are not really on the same page.

    Congrats to you for sticking to your values!
    Thank you! Sticking to my beliefs has been close to impossible for me until now, so this is a milestone. I was always quick to bend and backtrack if I thought a man was going to lose interest in me, and Iím happy Iím finally able to say ďnoĒ and mean it.

    Iíve never been in a situation like this with a man that I was as attracted to as this guy, so Iím being extra careful. Iím going to give this a few months, and if he decides he canít wait to have sex with me until he decides he wants to be my boyfriend, Iíll happily escort him out of my life.

    Being okay with a man walking away from me because I refused to be his friend with benefits would say so much about my progress. Iím ready for it, and it would make me so proud of myself.

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