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Thread: On the topic of copycat friends

  1. #1

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    On the topic of copycat friends

    I met Alice through my boyfriend since she is dating my bf's brother. We became fast friends as the brothers live together, and we both stay over quite often. We used to have long talks when the brothers were busy with their video games and hang out one-on-one. My boyfriend didn't really like Alice because at a kickback with his cousins, Alice had gotten drunk and proceeded to swipe everything off the tables, including beer pongs cups in the middle of a game.

    He also doesn't like that she doesn't make an effort to spend time with the family. The cousins are all very close and come over often to hang out. Alice usually just sit in the room and occasionally go outside to talk to her boyfriend, without really acknowledging the cousins. And if she does sit with everyone, she'd sulk visibly to the point where the cousins leave because they feel uncomfortable or like they're intruding. I thought it was rude but still remained friendly with her.

    That was until a few months ago when I began to notice her copying things I do. One day I woke up and decided to bake a pie. Alice walked into the kitchen an hr later and went "hey I wanna make a pie too". Cool, we could bake together. A few weeks later, I bought these stainless steel straws. Alice saw me using them and got some a few weeks later. Then it started happening more frequently.

    I love searching for new restaurants and cafes, spending hours on yelp, instagram, food blogs, etc, and even driving 1+ hr to try new foods. And I always share photos on my instagram story. I noticed that Alice would go to the same restaurants/cafes a few days after me and post the same thing on her instagram. One day, her boyfriend told me excitedly that Alice made a food Instagram, and she gets really happy when she gets new followers or her pictures get featured. As her friend, I also got very excited and texted her to ask for her account handle because I wanted to show support. I saw that a lot of her posts are of places I've shared before, so I started paying closer attention. Without fail, whenever I post a restaurant/cafe on my IG, the same place would show up on her food IG 1-2 days later.

    I know people say that imitation is a form of flattery, but why does it feel like identity theft. The idea of someone else copying me, doing the same things, buying the same stuff, going to the same places makes me feel like I'm losing my sense of self and my identity. Should I confront her? I don't want there to be drama

  2. #2
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Start peeing on these cafes so that she knows they're your territory. That should fix the problem. No drama necessary.

  3. #3
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    It is weird and annoying but obviously she does not have a very good self esteem. However, you also seem shaky in that department, at least somewhat.

    Your restaurant posts do not determine who you are as a person, nor your worth. They are indeed a creative expression of you and your life - I get that.

    I would not confront her. Just let it go.

    As far as the posts go - you can change your privacy settings if you like. Or stop posting there.

    You may also want to practice setting boundaries. If you are cooking and she wants to join in, you can always politely say no.

    The best thing you can do is to strengthen your own sense of worth so you are not threatened by her imitation.

  4. #4
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    A couple of thoughts...

    If you are close to her, why don’t you just ask her about the cousins? I mean - rather than judge. Maybe there is a reason she is acting that way? Maybe she doesn’t feel included? It sounds like you have some influence on her. Why not use your «powers» for good?

    Usually when people copy you like that, it stems from insecurity. Usually they don’t feel good enough or interesting enough - so they find cool things about you and they «adopt» them. It’s usually not malicious. It’s truly flattery.

    Why not invite her to join you on some of the outings?

    I don’tthink it’s beneficial to «adopt» your bf’s view and start to dislike her. It’s not very helpful or productive. It would probably be better and more pleasant for everyone if you do the opposite.

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  6. #5
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    Single White Female.....

    This is more than annoying. I'd block her from your social media, and stop sharing things you do with her. Maintain a "professional cordiality", so discuss only mundane topics, like the weather, or news items.

    Yeah, there's something wrong there.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    I dunno, I love it when people adopt something I've chosen or do. It lifts my spirits that I've had a positive influence, or that my opinion of something mattered enough to someone else to give it a try. I don't view it as an encroachment or a loss of self in any way. Maybe you're just feeling competitive?

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I wouldn't confront because you can't control others. Even though it seems unfair, she has a right to do whatever she wishes even if it means imitating you.

    Instead of feeling so bitter and resentful, change your heart. She sounds lonely, insecure, lacks self confidence, has low self esteem and doesn't like herself very much. So what if she bakes a pie and busy stainless steel straws? It's perfectly harmless. Anytime a person wants to copy you, it's a compliment to you. It is true about 'imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.'

    Since you can't control others, learn to ignore. It's not a contest.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Taking the high road is fine. I have to wonder though if dear boyfriend there is whispering a few ideas in her pretty head and to what end. It frankly doesn't sound like a plan she'd come up with on her own (she doesn't strike me as the creative type). Someone's obviously feeding her ideas about how to be a better person and she has adopted those ideas without much filter.

    I don't think you have to do much and things will take care of themselves. Her boyfriend may tire of her quicker than you think. I don't see this relationship enduring and I wouldn't bother worrying so much about it. The reason I say this is because she doesn't seem well-matched in the family in general. This really has very little to do with you and life has a funny way of resolving itself over time. I'd conserve my energy if I were you and continue doing all the things you love to do and enjoy spending time with them while it lasts.
    Last edited by Rose Mosse; 06-27-2019 at 01:58 AM.

  10. #9

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    Originally Posted by RedDress
    A couple of thoughts...

    If you are close to her, why don’t you just ask her about the cousins? I mean - rather than judge. Maybe there is a reason she is acting that way? Maybe she doesn’t feel included? It sounds like you have some influence on her. Why not use your «powers» for good?
    I or the cousins make sure to invite her. We play a lot of card/board games so we always ask her to join us. She either declines or if she does join in, she doesn't seem to enjoy herself. And if there's alcohol, her boyfriend intentionally doesn't bring her around because he doesn't want to have to deal with her drunk behavior. I think her absence stands out even more because my boyfriend's family speaks Chinese while I don't yet I still show up even if it means not understanding half of what's going on. Meanwhile, Alice speaks the language and should have an easier time assimilating but still no one really knows her after almost 3 years.

    The same applies to the outings. We used to go to these restaurants together, but the past few months Alice has been MIA. She declines invitations, only to go to the same spots herself a few days later. I think that's what bothers me.

  11. #10

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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    I dunno, I love it when people adopt something I've chosen or do. It lifts my spirits that I've had a positive influence, or that my opinion of something mattered enough to someone else to give it a try. I don't view it as an encroachment or a loss of self in any way. Maybe you're just feeling competitive?
    I guess one of the reasons it bothers me is because food instagrammers build their feed by scouting for new, good eateries. And everyone's feed is essentially a food diary - unique to each person's preferences and experience. While Alice's feed is essentially a mirror image of mine without putting in the time & work. But I suppose, as other people have said, that's what the privacy settings are for

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