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On the topic of copycat friends


breean

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I met Alice through my boyfriend since she is dating my bf's brother. We became fast friends as the brothers live together, and we both stay over quite often. We used to have long talks when the brothers were busy with their video games and hang out one-on-one. My boyfriend didn't really like Alice because at a kickback with his cousins, Alice had gotten drunk and proceeded to swipe everything off the tables, including beer pongs cups in the middle of a game.

 

He also doesn't like that she doesn't make an effort to spend time with the family. The cousins are all very close and come over often to hang out. Alice usually just sit in the room and occasionally go outside to talk to her boyfriend, without really acknowledging the cousins. And if she does sit with everyone, she'd sulk visibly to the point where the cousins leave because they feel uncomfortable or like they're intruding. I thought it was rude but still remained friendly with her.

 

That was until a few months ago when I began to notice her copying things I do. One day I woke up and decided to bake a pie. Alice walked into the kitchen an hr later and went "hey I wanna make a pie too". Cool, we could bake together. A few weeks later, I bought these stainless steel straws. Alice saw me using them and got some a few weeks later. Then it started happening more frequently.

 

I love searching for new restaurants and cafes, spending hours on yelp, instagram, food blogs, etc, and even driving 1+ hr to try new foods. And I always share photos on my instagram story. I noticed that Alice would go to the same restaurants/cafes a few days after me and post the same thing on her instagram. One day, her boyfriend told me excitedly that Alice made a food Instagram, and she gets really happy when she gets new followers or her pictures get featured. As her friend, I also got very excited and texted her to ask for her account handle because I wanted to show support. I saw that a lot of her posts are of places I've shared before, so I started paying closer attention. Without fail, whenever I post a restaurant/cafe on my IG, the same place would show up on her food IG 1-2 days later.

 

I know people say that imitation is a form of flattery, but why does it feel like identity theft. The idea of someone else copying me, doing the same things, buying the same stuff, going to the same places makes me feel like I'm losing my sense of self and my identity. Should I confront her? I don't want there to be drama

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It is weird and annoying but obviously she does not have a very good self esteem. However, you also seem shaky in that department, at least somewhat.

 

Your restaurant posts do not determine who you are as a person, nor your worth. They are indeed a creative expression of you and your life - I get that.

 

I would not confront her. Just let it go.

 

As far as the posts go - you can change your privacy settings if you like. Or stop posting there.

 

You may also want to practice setting boundaries. If you are cooking and she wants to join in, you can always politely say no.

 

The best thing you can do is to strengthen your own sense of worth so you are not threatened by her imitation.

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A couple of thoughts...

 

If you are close to her, why don’t you just ask her about the cousins? I mean - rather than judge. Maybe there is a reason she is acting that way? Maybe she doesn’t feel included? It sounds like you have some influence on her. Why not use your «powers» for good?

 

Usually when people copy you like that, it stems from insecurity. Usually they don’t feel good enough or interesting enough - so they find cool things about you and they «adopt» them. It’s usually not malicious. It’s truly flattery.

 

Why not invite her to join you on some of the outings?

 

I don’tthink it’s beneficial to «adopt» your bf’s view and start to dislike her. It’s not very helpful or productive. It would probably be better and more pleasant for everyone if you do the opposite.

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I dunno, I love it when people adopt something I've chosen or do. It lifts my spirits that I've had a positive influence, or that my opinion of something mattered enough to someone else to give it a try. I don't view it as an encroachment or a loss of self in any way. Maybe you're just feeling competitive?

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I wouldn't confront because you can't control others. Even though it seems unfair, she has a right to do whatever she wishes even if it means imitating you.

 

Instead of feeling so bitter and resentful, change your heart. She sounds lonely, insecure, lacks self confidence, has low self esteem and doesn't like herself very much. So what if she bakes a pie and busy stainless steel straws? It's perfectly harmless. Anytime a person wants to copy you, it's a compliment to you. It is true about 'imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.'

 

Since you can't control others, learn to ignore. It's not a contest.

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Taking the high road is fine. I have to wonder though if dear boyfriend there is whispering a few ideas in her pretty head and to what end. It frankly doesn't sound like a plan she'd come up with on her own (she doesn't strike me as the creative type). Someone's obviously feeding her ideas about how to be a better person and she has adopted those ideas without much filter.

 

I don't think you have to do much and things will take care of themselves. Her boyfriend may tire of her quicker than you think. I don't see this relationship enduring and I wouldn't bother worrying so much about it. The reason I say this is because she doesn't seem well-matched in the family in general. This really has very little to do with you and life has a funny way of resolving itself over time. I'd conserve my energy if I were you and continue doing all the things you love to do and enjoy spending time with them while it lasts.

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A couple of thoughts...

 

If you are close to her, why don’t you just ask her about the cousins? I mean - rather than judge. Maybe there is a reason she is acting that way? Maybe she doesn’t feel included? It sounds like you have some influence on her. Why not use your «powers» for good?

 

 

I or the cousins make sure to invite her. We play a lot of card/board games so we always ask her to join us. She either declines or if she does join in, she doesn't seem to enjoy herself. And if there's alcohol, her boyfriend intentionally doesn't bring her around because he doesn't want to have to deal with her drunk behavior. I think her absence stands out even more because my boyfriend's family speaks Chinese while I don't yet I still show up even if it means not understanding half of what's going on. Meanwhile, Alice speaks the language and should have an easier time assimilating but still no one really knows her after almost 3 years.

 

The same applies to the outings. We used to go to these restaurants together, but the past few months Alice has been MIA. She declines invitations, only to go to the same spots herself a few days later. I think that's what bothers me.

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I dunno, I love it when people adopt something I've chosen or do. It lifts my spirits that I've had a positive influence, or that my opinion of something mattered enough to someone else to give it a try. I don't view it as an encroachment or a loss of self in any way. Maybe you're just feeling competitive?

 

I guess one of the reasons it bothers me is because food instagrammers build their feed by scouting for new, good eateries. And everyone's feed is essentially a food diary - unique to each person's preferences and experience. While Alice's feed is essentially a mirror image of mine without putting in the time & work. But I suppose, as other people have said, that's what the privacy settings are for

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Instagram food pics are old news now and no one has a patent on that activity. In fact you are "imitating" the millions of people before you who have established the IG food pics trend as a pastime years ago. Unless they are being paid as 'influencers' it's a complete waste of time anyway.

 

It seems there is too much rivalry and jealousy between you and your bf's brother's gf so back away from all of it. Stop hanging out there as much when she's there. Go out with your bf one-on-one more often and don't trash talk his brother's gf. It comes to no good.

 

If she annoys you, distance yourself and focus on your own friends. Delete and block her from all your social media and you'll solve your own problem.

I noticed that Alice would go to the same restaurants/cafes a few days after me and post the same thing on her instagram. One day, her boyfriend told me excitedly that Alice made a food Instagram, and she gets really happy when she gets new followers or her pictures get featured.

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I think Alice is a little over the top but unless you’re at the level of being a paid food critic with an established “brand “ it just means that you’re lucky enough to have hours of time to surf the internet for places to dine and then drive long distances to dine there then create posts about it. She’s not stealing your identity - just being annoying. Distance yourself from her and stop sharing as much as you do since it annoys you.

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I understand it can be annoying, but maybe she just wants to get closer and be friends, she sounds lonely, why don't you do lunch and take food pictures together? If she's too annoying to hang out with, then distance yourself, you don't have to be friends.

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I or the cousins make sure to invite her. We play a lot of card/board games so we always ask her to join us. She either declines or if she does join in, she doesn't seem to enjoy herself. And if there's alcohol, her boyfriend intentionally doesn't bring her around because he doesn't want to have to deal with her drunk behavior.

 

... but still no one really knows her after almost 3 years.

 

These are forms of trying to get attention. (It’s like vaguebooking - someone posting «I’m so sad» on social media without details, etc. It’s trying to provoke interaction and attention). She’s trying to draw attention to herself - positive or negative.

 

... and again, it goes back to the insecurity thing. She likely feels that she doesn’t have much to contribute - so she just goes for attention (which is also why people feel they don’t know her. If she doesn’t feel she has much to contribute she probs doesn’t contribute that much leading people not to know her). It takes confidence and self-awareness to be yourself.

 

The language thing is irrelevant. I’m sure there are English-speaking people that you’ve had problems really integrating with (we all have). It’s a barrier that you have - but speaking the same language doesn’t automatically bring you closer.

 

Again - I think taking the high road and really trying to break through those barriers and get to know her - or simply adjusting privacy settings and ignoring her when it gets to be too much is the more attractive thing for you to do. Trash-talking or hating on people who mean no harm is never a good look - and it doesn’t actually bring you closer to the people you want to integrate with - at least not for long (and it leaves a bad after-taste).

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She is not stealing your identity. Do you wish you had developed a food blog first? Did she beat you to it? Maybe the places she goes are places that she learn about from you... I wouldn't trust a recommendation from someone who hasn't been somewhere, so I would think that in order to blog about it, she needs to visit the place.

 

What is it about her that is making you jealous?

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She is not stealing your identity. Do you wish you had developed a food blog first? Did she beat you to it? Maybe the places she goes are places that she learn about from you... I wouldn't trust a recommendation from someone who hasn't been somewhere, so I would think that in order to blog about it, she needs to visit the place.

 

What is it about her that is making you jealous?

 

Agreed. It's entirely possible that she just admires you and thinks what you are doing is awesome enough to emulate. And really, isn't this what everyone does on social media? And how influencers are born? They post stuff and days later, 100 people are posting that they just bought exactly the same thing because someone else did. Consider capitalizing on the fact that you have someone that copies everything you do vs. being upset about it.

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Yes it's perhaps a little weird and over the top what Alice is doing but I just want to point out that sometimes in life people do "copy" us and it's not always weird or trying to be a copycat. For example, I have really bad "food envy". I don't copy what food people post on Instagram but if I'm out for a meal with someone, I get jealous of their food or drink. I want to either try what they're having or order the same thing for myself. All my friends don't actually mind that and they usually let me taste a bit of their food. In return I always let them taste my food or drink too if they want to. It's not necessarily trying to be "copycat", but just trying to experience what our friends are experiencing.

 

Also, with social media we may end up copying someone by doing what we saw them do, but that's just because we may be interested in it. E.g. I saw a friend posting on Facebook that she went to an animal farm and the photos looked cute. So I decided that in future I'd go there too. If I went there, I would also take photos and upload to social media because it's just what we do.

 

I understand that copying a lot of what your friend does is a bit weird and does seem insecure but to be honest people do copy us in life and we also copy other people. Maybe it doesn't happen all the time but it does happen.

 

Regarding Instagram no offence but you're acting like you're some kind of social media celebrity and like Alice is stealing your identity. Neither you nor her make any money from your Instagram, right? So really you are just putting up photos and people just follow you.

 

The other thing too is that unless Alice is outright rude to you or your boyfriend and his brother's family, I don't think she necessarily has to be friends or super close with you guys. She just has to be polite. Maybe she's not really into card games so that's why she doesn't join you. Once a month my fiance has friends over to play video games or Dungeons and Dragons. I'm not into those things so I basically never join them. But I just say "hello" to his friends and act friendly.

 

Why are you so concerned that Alice isn't close to the cousins, etc.? It's not really any of your business what she does with the family. Her boyfriend obviously likes her and wants to be with her. If you don't like her then don't be friends with her, that is fine. You don't have to be friends with people you don't get along with. Just act polite and focus on your own relationship with your boyfriend and do your own thing. You can't control other people.

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  • 4 weeks later...

It sounds like Alice has social anxiety / low self-esteem and is just trying to fit in. You said that she doesn't involve herself as much with your boyfriend's family, but that can be very difficult. They sound quite close knit and you've integrated well from the sounds of things, but for other people it can be hard feeling like the outsider in a group like that. Does your boyfriend's social life revolve a lot around his brother and cousins? I'd find it quite awkward myself being in a social group where everyone else was related, because you know that in a sense you're never really part of that group. Everyone else's bond is lifelong whereas no matter how well you integrate, if you break up with the person who got you into that group then you'll be gone.

 

Your boyfriend didn't like her because she was taking cups from the table during drinking games? That must be pretty hard for her, it's just a drinking game, it's not like her behaviour was totally inappropriate was it? In those situations people will banter and do things that would be inappropriate in other company but then just laugh about it and feel closer as a result. If you're not fully a member of the group it can be really tough knowing where that group's particular lines are.

 

She maybe sees you as someone in the same situation as her, but handling it much better and feels that maybe she can learn a lot from you, but perhaps doesn't really know how to learn from you beyond simply emulating you.

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