Jump to content

I am in a dilemma ... help please.


Wout

Recommended Posts

Hi everyone.

 

Thanks for reading my post. I just wanted to know what right thinking person in society will think of my situation and I would like to read your comments, please. Here it goes:

 

I am married for 16 years and have always been faithful. H and I were both in work after our marriage and contributed equally to the household expenses. About 9 years ago, H lost his job due to the recession. I became the sole breadwinner of the family. H attempted at self-employment for 18 months, but his business had to wind down as he was merely breaking even and not bringing money home. H remained unemployed for another 3 years 6 months. During this time, H decided he wanted to have the snip because he said he wanted me to come off the pill. He underwent the op but did not follow up. Unfortunately, the op was unsuccessful. I miscarried once (I didn’t know then but on hindsight I realized it had happened) and had an ectopic that required emergency surgery. H was cold and hinted that he doubted that he was the father. After this incident, I felt numb and devoid of any affection for him. Any intimacy he demanded from me from then onward was just tolerated for the sake of peaceful existence.

 

4 years ago, H signed up for a Uni program because he could get funding for his own personal expenses while I continued to work and provide for the household expenses to ensure that we had a roof over our heads. About a year ago, I fell very ill with an endocrine disorder and although I found myself too ill to work at times, I still labored on. While H was at Uni, he refused to help with the finances not even getting a part time job to help. After H completed his Uni, he continued to refuse to seek work stating that any temporary jobs are “not worth getting out of bed for”. I had to resort to stop buying food and necessities for the home. H eventually had to find work because he could no longer survive without food in the house and he ran out of money from the last leg of his Uni funding.

 

After H was receiving a steady income from work for a few months, I told H to leave. He moved out without putting up a fight and we now live apart. I now have a part-time job but the wages are reasonable and I can survive on my own. I only started divorce proceedings in April. It probably will take another 6 to 8 months to finalize.

 

Recently, I met a lovely man who expressed his wishes to want to get to know me better in a romantic way. He is hardworking and very soft-spoken and thoughtful. He is aware of my marital status but he says he is willing to wait for me. I would like to see him but I am afraid that I am doing the wrong thing.

 

Any advises or comments, please?

Link to comment

If you asked if it's ok, that's a personal choice.

You will find the views divided between whether to wait until you're divorced or the fact that you and your husband have basically been estranged for sometime.

 

What does stand out to me is the fact that you feel afraid of doing the wrong thing. My advise would be to focus on that and what that's telling you. It suggests you don't see yourself as an autonomous woman, independent of your marriage yet.

 

The divorce may just be paper work, but the emotional adjustment to single hood takes time.

Link to comment

I think you're very lonely right now and vulnerable to any man who shows you the kind of respect that you lacked from your husband. My advice would be not to jump from the frying pan into a fire.

 

Count yourself lucky that you didn't have children with your husband. If you want to jump into this relationship, please don't make any major commitments, especially financial commitments like moving in together. In fact, I think it might be in your best interest to live by yourself for a few years until you discover more about how you function as a single person. Good luck***

Link to comment

My advice is not to be so quick to jump into another relationship so soon. Be wary. Don't be too trustful of this new guy because you don't know him well. I hate to sound like a 'Debbie Downer.' However, be careful. You don't want anyone to take advantage of your finances and house. Always make sure you're financially independent and strong. Protect yourself legally always. If I were you, my guard would be up forever.

Link to comment

I suggest you get yourself divorced, and take some time being single. Don't jump from man to man. Learn to be independent.

 

Your ex sounds like a creep and a parasite. You should have dumped his lazy azz nine years ago. Please don't ever tolerate this type of behavior again. You should not be playing parent to your partners.

Link to comment
Maybe share more about why you feel you're doing the wrong thing. What kinds of reservations do you have?

 

What else do you know about this new gentleman?

 

Thanks for your response.

 

I personally don't think that I am doing anything wrong because in my eyes my marriage to H is over a long time ago. My reservation is that there is always this negative view taken by most on anyone who is still legally married but separated and dating others. Although I know that I shouldn't care about what others think, sometimes, it is not a good place to be if I am perceived to possess socially unacceptable behavior.

 

The new gentleman has never been married - he says it just never happened. He lives in his own house and is comfortable financially. He has an adult son (who has his own family) from a relationship over 30 years ago. He works shifts and gets a bit difficult to see him between his work and his grandchildren who comes to stay over on the weekends that he is not at work.

Link to comment
I think you're very lonely right now and vulnerable to any man who shows you the kind of respect that you lacked from your husband. My advice would be not to jump from the frying pan into a fire.

 

Count yourself lucky that you didn't have children with your husband. If you want to jump into this relationship, please don't make any major commitments, especially financial commitments like moving in together. In fact, I think it might be in your best interest to live by yourself for a few years until you discover more about how you function as a single person. Good luck***

 

Thank you for your response.

I will certainly not be moving to live together with anyone so quickly. I love my own space and the peace that comes with living on my own.

Link to comment
My advice is not to be so quick to jump into another relationship so soon. Be wary. Don't be too trustful of this new guy because you don't know him well. I hate to sound like a 'Debbie Downer.' However, be careful. You don't want anyone to take advantage of your finances and house. Always make sure you're financially independent and strong. Protect yourself legally always. If I were you, my guard would be up forever.

 

Thanks for your response.

 

Yes, I am financially independent and probably will continue to live in my own house for a while (once the divorce goes through and H's name is taken off the deeds).

Link to comment
I suggest you get yourself divorced, and take some time being single. Don't jump from man to man. Learn to be independent.

 

Your ex sounds like a creep and a parasite. You should have dumped his lazy azz nine years ago. Please don't ever tolerate this type of behavior again. You should not be playing parent to your partners.

 

Thanks for your response.

 

Yes, I am pushing through the divorce procedure regardless. Honestly, I never intended or actively seek out a relationship so soon after I told H to leave - it just happened and when I least expected it.

 

And yes, I have to admit that H is lazy and he behaves like a kid. I did not have the heart to dump him when he was unemployed at the time. I held out foolishly thinking that he might change his attitude but it got worse and worse. I finally told him to leave after he is gainfully employed so that I will not be criticized by his friends (or anyone) that I dumped him when he was down.

Link to comment

There doesn't seem to be a problem if you need to be separated for a time before filing. Focus on good communication with your attorney and getting your finances, house etc and paperwork figured out. Do not try to convince this guy of anything and do not trash your husband in order to sell yourself. He knows your status so let it be.

I only started divorce proceedings in April. It probably will take another 6 to 8 months to finalize. He is aware of my marital status but he says he is willing to wait for me.
Link to comment
Your marriage was over looong time ago.

 

You've been through enough misery with H. I say go for it and date this man if he wants to date you.

 

You deserve happiness after being miserable for so many years.

 

Thank you very much for your response.

 

Yes, my marriage was over a long time ago. Our mutual respect for each other went downhill many years ago. H did not respect me and I gradually lost respect for him after having to tolerate many years of his bad behavior.

 

And yes, I was miserable for many years, just buried myself in work and I think my endocrine disorder is to do with the stress and being miserable for a prolong period of time.

Link to comment
If you asked if it's ok, that's a personal choice.

You will find the views divided between whether to wait until you're divorced or the fact that you and your husband have basically been estranged for sometime.

 

What does stand out to me is the fact that you feel afraid of doing the wrong thing. My advise would be to focus on that and what that's telling you. It suggests you don't see yourself as an autonomous woman, independent of your marriage yet.

 

The divorce may just be paper work, but the emotional adjustment to single hood takes time.

 

Thanks for your response.

 

To be honest, I felt like a single mother to H for a long time, always taking care of his needs like a single mother would her son. Like a teenage son, H would not do anything in the house. Despite me having to go to work during the day, I come back to housework while H sits around all day in front of his computer playing games or watching a movie on Netflix.

 

When H moved out, I felt liberated. I really love being alone and enjoy it a lot.

 

The reason why I asked for comments is because I would like to read what others think about being legally married but separated and dating or seeing another and whether that is socially acceptable or not.

Link to comment
There doesn't seem to be a problem if you need to be separated for a time before filing. Focus on good communication with your attorney and getting your finances, house etc and paperwork figured out. Do not try to convince this guy of anything and do not trash your husband in order to sell yourself. He knows your status so let it be.

 

Thanks for your response.

 

I am filing the divorce and going through the process myself without lawyers involved. It is difficult but I don't have the money to spend on attorneys.

 

The divorce is based on ground of H's behavior and not on ground of separation.

 

The new gentleman first approached me and pursued me for a while before I relented and agreed to meet him one to one over coffee, dinner and our favorite hobby - trekking in the forest. He didn't need convincing or anything to want to be with me. He also knows why I am divorcing H. He is aware that I have been supporting H financially for many years and had quite enough. I do not to talk about H (good or bad) if I can help it (It only came out in this post as I need to explain the background to my situation).

Link to comment

The fastest way to push the new guy away is to keep going on and on and on about your husband and your divorce. Stop. Talk to your attorney about your divorce, finances, etc. Talk to a therapist about the emotional fallout and all the resentment you have. Don't use this guy as your emotional dumping ground, pay a therapist..

Link to comment
The fastest way to push the new guy away is to keep going on and on and on about your husband and your divorce. Stop. Talk to your attorney about your divorce, finances, etc. Talk to a therapist about the emotional fallout and all the resentment you have. Don't use this guy as your emotional dumping ground, pay a therapist..

 

Yes, I agree with you. That is the reason why I don't talk about H in the presence of this new gentleman. Whatever information he has about H is what I told him from the outset when he was pursuing me. I had to be honest with him at the time. He respected my honesty and said he was willing to wait.

Link to comment

I'd view this as less about social approval and more about the psychological impacts of leapfrogging from a long term marriage straight into another relationship before you've taken the opportunity to stabilize solo. Read up on 'rebounding' to learn the pitfalls, and then decide what's best for you.

 

Nobody else is living our love lives for us, so nobody else gets a vote.

Link to comment

Normally I would advise to wait until the divorce went through. But that's for couples who might not be totally over or might not heave healed.

 

You both are way past that. To be honest, it's amazing you were as patient with H as you were.

 

I hope you do decide to date this new man right now, everyone deserves a ray of sunshine after so many clouds.

 

I also hear what others are saying about going from one relationship to the next, however, I wouldn't count what went on with you and H as a 'relationship' these past few years.

 

You've had a to put up with a lazy sod and mostly were alone by the sounds of it.

 

Go out there and have some fun. I still think you more than deserve it. The only thing I would suggest, is to take things slow, don't get too caught up in feelings asap or view this as your new husband, etc.

 

Just date for now and enjoy one another's company.

Link to comment
I'd view this as less about social approval and more about the psychological impacts of leapfrogging from a long term marriage straight into another relationship before you've taken the opportunity to stabilize solo. Read up on 'rebounding' to learn the pitfalls, and then decide what's best for you.

 

Nobody else is living our love lives for us, so nobody else gets a vote.

 

Thanks for your response.

 

I do not have any lingering feelings towards H at all. I was the one who requested that he moves out and what a big relief that was the day he did!

 

I went for counselling under the care of a professional psychotherapist and after 12 sessions, she said she would like to end the sessions because in her professional opinion, there is nothing wrong with me that needs to be resolved and that I am ready to go and face the world. She even supported my decision to leave H and proceed to divorce which was very odd as she is after all a marriage counsellor!

 

I will of course consider your advice with regards to the impact of moving from one relationship to another without an opportunity to stabilize solo. Thank you.

Link to comment

I would wait until you were divorced.

It will ensure this "lovely gentleman" is not the type to want to date unavailable women and freak or bail once they are actually available.

If he is worthy, he will wait until you are divorced to date you.

 

You don't know where your "radar" for man choosing is at right now yet.

 

I would be "friends first", IMHO

Link to comment
Normally I would advise to wait until the divorce went through. But that's for couples who might not be totally over or might not heave healed.

 

You both are way past that. To be honest, it's amazing you were as patient with H as you were.

 

I hope you do decide to date this new man right now, everyone deserves a ray of sunshine after so many clouds.

 

I also hear what others are saying about going from one relationship to the next, however, I wouldn't count what went on with you and H as a 'relationship' these past few years.

 

You've had a to put up with a lazy sod and mostly were alone by the sounds of it.

 

Go out there and have some fun. I still think you more than deserve it. The only thing I would suggest, is to take things slow, don't get too caught up in feelings asap or view this as your new husband, etc.

 

Just date for now and enjoy one another's company.

 

 

Thanks for the follow-up!

 

I had a load going on at that point in my life after the ectopic pregnancy. My elderly parents had got themselves in a bit of a trouble and needed me to assist them plus a few other stuff relating to properties. At the time, I felt I was better off just rolling along with H still living in the house than to have to deal with the drama if I ditched him. Partly, I had hoped that he would wake up to reality seeing how much pressure I was under to make everything work and hopefully make a change. There is also a step-daughter that I needed to contend with as she thinks it's her job to make my life as difficult as possible.

 

Yes, I feel that I have wasted my time waiting around for H. I think that if I don't start showing some interest now and get to know this new gentleman and go out on dates with him that I might just let slip this opportunity which may not come round again in a long time. However, I still have my reservations that some may think that what I intend to do is not acceptable.

 

I do love your outlook on life. I will think about what you said and consider the best course to take. Thank you.

Link to comment
I might just let slip this opportunity which may not come round again in a long time.

 

It's this very fear of scarcity that 'stabilizing solo' is about addressing. People fresh out of marriages who leapfrog are operating on this insecurity rather than developing the solo musculature to overcome. It tends to lead them into trouble that's difficult to get out of later.

 

Read up on rebounding to learn why this phenomenon is a very real thing to avoid, and you will thank yourself later--and so may the gentleman.

Link to comment
It's this very fear of scarcity that 'stabilizing solo' is about addressing. People fresh out of marriages who leapfrog are operating on this insecurity rather than developing the solo musculature to overcome. It tends to lead them into trouble that's difficult to get out of later.

 

Read up on rebounding to learn why this phenomenon is a very real thing to avoid, and you will thank yourself later--and so may the gentleman.

 

 

Thanks for following-up.

 

I wonder how long is this period of 'stabilizing solo' supposed to take.

 

Would you please post a link to any article regarding "this phenomenon" to which you refer? I don't seem to be able to find anything except urban dictionary definitions of that term. Thanks.

Link to comment
I would wait until you were divorced.

It will ensure this "lovely gentleman" is not the type to want to date unavailable women and freak or bail once they are actually available.

If he is worthy, he will wait until you are divorced to date you.

 

You don't know where your "radar" for man choosing is at right now yet.

 

I would be "friends first", IMHO

 

 

Thanks for your response.

 

Sure, I will endeavor to find out if he is the type to want to date unavailable women.

 

I have put away my "radar" for man choosing because my "radar" seems to be defective in the first place which landed me with H. :D !!

 

I swear I wasn't even looking for trouble. I kept my head down and mind my own business. But the new gentleman popped out from nowhere and wanted to get to know me. We were strangers. At first, he thought I was single and he kept pursuing me. I had no choice but to regretfully inform him that I am legally married but separated. That news did not deter him at all.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...