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Thread: I am in a dilemma ... help please.

  1. #1
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    I am in a dilemma ... help please.

    Hi everyone.

    Thanks for reading my post. I just wanted to know what right thinking person in society will think of my situation and I would like to read your comments, please. Here it goes:

    I am married for 16 years and have always been faithful. H and I were both in work after our marriage and contributed equally to the household expenses. About 9 years ago, H lost his job due to the recession. I became the sole breadwinner of the family. H attempted at self-employment for 18 months, but his business had to wind down as he was merely breaking even and not bringing money home. H remained unemployed for another 3 years 6 months. During this time, H decided he wanted to have the snip because he said he wanted me to come off the pill. He underwent the op but did not follow up. Unfortunately, the op was unsuccessful. I miscarried once (I didn’t know then but on hindsight I realized it had happened) and had an ectopic that required emergency surgery. H was cold and hinted that he doubted that he was the father. After this incident, I felt numb and devoid of any affection for him. Any intimacy he demanded from me from then onward was just tolerated for the sake of peaceful existence.

    4 years ago, H signed up for a Uni program because he could get funding for his own personal expenses while I continued to work and provide for the household expenses to ensure that we had a roof over our heads. About a year ago, I fell very ill with an endocrine disorder and although I found myself too ill to work at times, I still labored on. While H was at Uni, he refused to help with the finances not even getting a part time job to help. After H completed his Uni, he continued to refuse to seek work stating that any temporary jobs are “not worth getting out of bed for”. I had to resort to stop buying food and necessities for the home. H eventually had to find work because he could no longer survive without food in the house and he ran out of money from the last leg of his Uni funding.

    After H was receiving a steady income from work for a few months, I told H to leave. He moved out without putting up a fight and we now live apart. I now have a part-time job but the wages are reasonable and I can survive on my own. I only started divorce proceedings in April. It probably will take another 6 to 8 months to finalize.

    Recently, I met a lovely man who expressed his wishes to want to get to know me better in a romantic way. He is hardworking and very soft-spoken and thoughtful. He is aware of my marital status but he says he is willing to wait for me. I would like to see him but I am afraid that I am doing the wrong thing.

    Any advises or comments, please?
    Last edited by Wout; 06-26-2019 at 05:26 PM.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    If you asked if it's ok, that's a personal choice.
    You will find the views divided between whether to wait until you're divorced or the fact that you and your husband have basically been estranged for sometime.

    What does stand out to me is the fact that you feel afraid of doing the wrong thing. My advise would be to focus on that and what that's telling you. It suggests you don't see yourself as an autonomous woman, independent of your marriage yet.

    The divorce may just be paper work, but the emotional adjustment to single hood takes time.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Maybe share more about why you feel you're doing the wrong thing. What kinds of reservations do you have?

    What else do you know about this new gentleman?

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    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    I think you're very lonely right now and vulnerable to any man who shows you the kind of respect that you lacked from your husband. My advice would be not to jump from the frying pan into a fire.

    Count yourself lucky that you didn't have children with your husband. If you want to jump into this relationship, please don't make any major commitments, especially financial commitments like moving in together. In fact, I think it might be in your best interest to live by yourself for a few years until you discover more about how you function as a single person. Good luck***

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    My advice is not to be so quick to jump into another relationship so soon. Be wary. Don't be too trustful of this new guy because you don't know him well. I hate to sound like a 'Debbie Downer.' However, be careful. You don't want anyone to take advantage of your finances and house. Always make sure you're financially independent and strong. Protect yourself legally always. If I were you, my guard would be up forever.

  7. #6
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    I suggest you get yourself divorced, and take some time being single. Don't jump from man to man. Learn to be independent.

    Your ex sounds like a creep and a parasite. You should have dumped his lazy azz nine years ago. Please don't ever tolerate this type of behavior again. You should not be playing parent to your partners.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Your marriage was over looong time ago.

    You've been through enough misery with H. I say go for it and date this man if he wants to date you.

    You deserve happiness after being miserable for so many years.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    Maybe share more about why you feel you're doing the wrong thing. What kinds of reservations do you have?

    What else do you know about this new gentleman?
    Thanks for your response.

    I personally don't think that I am doing anything wrong because in my eyes my marriage to H is over a long time ago. My reservation is that there is always this negative view taken by most on anyone who is still legally married but separated and dating others. Although I know that I shouldn't care about what others think, sometimes, it is not a good place to be if I am perceived to possess socially unacceptable behavior.

    The new gentleman has never been married - he says it just never happened. He lives in his own house and is comfortable financially. He has an adult son (who has his own family) from a relationship over 30 years ago. He works shifts and gets a bit difficult to see him between his work and his grandchildren who comes to stay over on the weekends that he is not at work.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by SarahLancaster
    I think you're very lonely right now and vulnerable to any man who shows you the kind of respect that you lacked from your husband. My advice would be not to jump from the frying pan into a fire.

    Count yourself lucky that you didn't have children with your husband. If you want to jump into this relationship, please don't make any major commitments, especially financial commitments like moving in together. In fact, I think it might be in your best interest to live by yourself for a few years until you discover more about how you function as a single person. Good luck***
    Thank you for your response.
    I will certainly not be moving to live together with anyone so quickly. I love my own space and the peace that comes with living on my own.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    My advice is not to be so quick to jump into another relationship so soon. Be wary. Don't be too trustful of this new guy because you don't know him well. I hate to sound like a 'Debbie Downer.' However, be careful. You don't want anyone to take advantage of your finances and house. Always make sure you're financially independent and strong. Protect yourself legally always. If I were you, my guard would be up forever.
    Thanks for your response.

    Yes, I am financially independent and probably will continue to live in my own house for a while (once the divorce goes through and H's name is taken off the deeds).

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