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Thread: I am in a dilemma ... help please.

  1. #31
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wout
    I will enjoy the company of this new gentleman and take time to get to know him better.
    Love this.

    For whatever it's worth, my girlfriend of 6 months signs her divorce papers in a few weeks, so you can imagine where I stand on the acceptability of all this. I could explain my situation in a way that might soften outside judgement—explaining how long she's been separated, the logistical reasons why the official divorce has taken x amount of time—but you know what? I don't care what anyone thinks. My business, our business.

    You sound level-headed and stable, OP. You'll be processing feelings about the past 16 years for a long time. They don't need to be processed in a cave, especially when the state of your marriage had an alone-in-a-cave vibe for quite a while, by the sounds of it. Enjoy yourself. Move slowly. Be honest with how you feel, including if you come to feel overwhelmed. Small steps, small adjustments. If it turns out that it's too soon to explore new romance, you'll know. And you—and him—can deal with that. You are adults. Live your life for you, not at the worry of offending the sensibilities of others.

  2. #32
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    Originally Posted by Wout
    Thanks for your response.

    Sure, I will endeavor to find out if he is the type to want to date unavailable women.

    I have put away my "radar" for man choosing because my "radar" seems to be defective in the first place which landed me with H. !!

    I swear I wasn't even looking for trouble. I kept my head down and mind my own business. But the new gentleman popped out from nowhere and wanted to get to know me. We were strangers. At first, he thought I was single and he kept pursuing me. I had no choice but to regretfully inform him that I am legally married but separated. That news did not deter him at all.
    It should. A guy with good boundaries should slooow down when he found out that info.

    You and your husband were living together up until 2-3 months ago.
    You need to reconnect with friends/family you might have strayed away from because they didn't like him, or you isolated yourself from. Find out who you will become as a divorced woman. Do things you could not while you were married - take a class or a trip. REALLY look things over carefully -- you may be able to support yourself on your part time job, but what does the future hold? Do you have enough retirement savings now that you and your husband will be divvying things up? Any emergency fund? Your part time job is fine now, but what training can you take so that you can get a higher paid job with possibily other benefits in the future?

    Its not about "follow your bliss" -- right now is where you should take the time you need while you are manless to decide to stablilize yourself , to be comfortable with going home alone, and get solid in your support network (family, female friends, etc.(

    If you were separated for years and coming into the divorce homestretch that is infinitely different than being seperated for 2-3 months.

  3. #33
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It sounds like you are being honest about the demise of your marriage, your new gentleman friend and most importantly yourself. It won't be easy but you've taken the first steps to dissolve a marriage that sounds like it was done a long, long time ago.
    Originally Posted by Wout
    It is definitely just friends with the new gentleman to get to know him better.

  4. #34
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    It sounds like you are being honest about the demise of your marriage, your new gentleman friend and most importantly yourself. It won't be easy but you've taken the first steps to dissolve a marriage that sounds like it was done a long, long time ago.
    I get that, but having only lived alone for 2-3 months, I would caution her to jump in with someone quickly

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  6. #35
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    My business, our business.
    Yes, I think that is the position I should take. I should stop worrying about what people around me (work colleagues and friends) will say. Apart from my elderly mother, I don't have any close family.

    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    You sound level-headed and stable, OP. You'll be processing feelings about the past 16 years for a long time. They don't need to be processed in a cave, especially when the state of your marriage had an alone-in-a-cave vibe for quite a while, by the sounds of it. Enjoy yourself. Move slowly. Be honest with how you feel, including if you come to feel overwhelmed. Small steps, small adjustments. If it turns out that it's too soon to explore new romance, you'll know. And you—and him—can deal with that. You are adults. Live your life for you, not at the worry of offending the sensibilities of others.
    Thank you. I will take it easy and not rush into anything until I am ready.

  7. #36
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    It should. A guy with good boundaries should slooow down when he found out that info.
    I'd rather get to know someone who is honest and comes clean about his feelings than someone who is stilted just because he has to conform to some "boundaries". I am more wary of people who control themselves extremely well on the basis of "boundaries" because those are usually very calculated and apathetic people or are people who love playing "games".


    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    You and your husband were living together up until 2-3 months ago.

    If you were separated for years and coming into the divorce homestretch that is infinitely different than being seperated for 2-3 months.
    Over the last 6 years of being together, although H and I were physically "living together", we treated each other like housemates, (no physical contact whatsoever, no hugs, no kisses, no meaningful conversation that would not end up in a fight). The only times he wanted any physical contact with me was when H demanded sex. (I never initiate it cos I had absolutely no feelings towards H - no love, no hate, no anger - just indifference). When I refused, he would say things to me that were veiled threats or behaved in a violent way (example, punching headboard of the bed or punching the pillow suggesting that I would be the next target of his fist if I didn't give in). He also had a BB replica hand gun that he kept in the bedside table next to him, usually loaded with a CO2 cylinder and pellets and he made sure I knew it was there.

    Over the last 6 years of being together, H & I never went out together, H went to his own social events on his own and I went to mine on my own. We did everything separately at home (we did our own laundry and we made our meals separately) and the only thing I did that was for the benefit of both of us was housework (toilets, bathroom and dusting and vacuuming) but only because I could not stand living in dirty surroundings. Yes, I paid for Council Tax, mortgage, electricity, gas, water and bought enough food for both but does that count as living together as husband and wife?


    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    You need to reconnect with friends/family you might have strayed away from because they didn't like him, or you isolated yourself from. Find out who you will become as a divorced woman. Do things you could not while you were married - take a class or a trip. REALLY look things over carefully -- you may be able to support yourself on your part time job, but what does the future hold? Do you have enough retirement savings now that you and your husband will be divvying things up? Any emergency fund? Your part time job is fine now, but what training can you take so that you can get a higher paid job with possibily other benefits in the future?

    Its not about "follow your bliss" -- right now is where you should take the time you need while you are manless to decide to stablilize yourself , to be comfortable with going home alone, and get solid in your support network (family, female friends, etc.(
    The only family I have now is an elderly mother who lives 7,000 miles away in a different country (my father passed away 2 years ago). My few friends are also 7,000 miles away who I only keep in touch on Facebook and once a year when I return to visit.

    H's friends became my friends (well, sort of). I never had the time to make my own friends. I am not one to make loads of friends anyway. During the first 10 years of my marriage, I spent a load of my time at full time work and during my free time, doing things for H and his daughter, or for my parents. Any friends are mere acquaintances. During the last 6 years of my marriage I was busy coping with the loss following an ectopic pregnancy, helping my parents and coping with my poor health.

    When I was married, I have been doing a load of things I wanted to do anyway. As stated earlier, in the last 6 years, I did my own stuff on my own and H just left me to it. Unfortunately for me, I am an introvert so I like to spend my time mostly at home and usually stay away from other people.

    I am comfortable in the part time work and at the moment I do not want to engage in full time work because of my endocrine disorder that wrecks havoc to my health when I am under stress. I should be comfortable for the future as my mother will be leaving a large portion of her Estate to me. I have a property abroad (in my sole name and H is not entitled to lay a claim to it because of the way the law in that country works) that I can sell to raise funds if I have to.

    Thanks for your input. It really helps me iron out my thoughts. I appreciate it very much!

  8. #37
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    It sounds like you are being honest about the demise of your marriage, your new gentleman friend and most importantly yourself. It won't be easy but you've taken the first steps to dissolve a marriage that sounds like it was done a long, long time ago.
    Thanks.

    Yes, I just feel liberated from H when he finally moved out and it was more of a relief to be free from having H hanging about in the house all the time that I was somehow responsible for as a result of my marriage to him (H was like my son rather than my husband). Any feelings I had for H were long gone, no love, no hate just pure indifference. I just waited for the right time to door slam him. I do not regret shutting the door on H.

    I guess I started attracting people after my official physical separation from H because I am my confident self and comfortable in my own skin. Heck, there was at least 2 other men who made advances very recently, but I turned them down, of which one is for the reason that he's H's single friend! (shocking!)

  9. #38
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    having only lived alone for 2-3 months
    I slept in a separate bedroom from H for 6 months and H moved out about 4 months ago.



    Originally Posted by Wout
    but I turned them down
    and because I felt that there was no chemistry with either men.

  10. #39
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    I'd rather get to know someone who is honest and comes clean about his feelings than someone who is stilted just because he has to conform to some "boundaries". I am more wary of people who control themselves extremely well on the basis of "boundaries" because those are usually very calculated and apathetic people or are people who love playing "games".


    Well -- that's the problem - being in control and deciding to not let other people walk over you is not "apathetic" - it means you care about your mental well- being and you aren't going to jump in and decide to let your emotions run you.

    Boundaries - "I am still legally married. As long as I am, I won't have sex with anyone" "since i am not ready to have sex, i don't put myself in a position of temptation - i don't invite a guy over at 1 am. I meet for 'proper activities" I don't allow anyone to call me names. If they do, I disengage from the conversation - or the relationship, depending. I have standards.

    When a certain person comes over, they go on rants about how I decorated wrong, why did i get Aunt Sally's painting, and goes through my cupboards. You know what? I use my boundaries. We have a lovely relationship now because we only meet outside my home but if they do come to my home, its only a moment before we go to another destination and others are there as a buffer. I do not have get together's with this person in my home.I want to maintain the family relationship, but I do not put up with that kind of treatment in my own home. So i don't.

    Also, i really think that if you fall in with this guy, you will regret in a year or two that you didn't have time to yourself to do whatever you wanted not being in a relationship - you will not do certain things to be available for the guy (what if you had the opportunity to move to a dream destination? you won't) I love my guy, but in some ways i wish i had met him a few months later than i did. eve n though you lived as housemates with your husband, there were things you could not dp

  11. #40
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    When I met my current bf or almost 2 years, he was still legally married. Having been married myself, I view being married as a lot of layers of different things. The final legal document being one of them. He likely wouldn't have volunteered the other layers of attachment and grieving to me and I would have had to invest some time to find where he was in the scheme of things.

    When we first me he had been separated for almost 2 years and already had a 6 month relationship that he had ended 6 months prior to us having even met. (I consider that his rebound) He had spent the 6 months leading up to us meeting, single. I learned this in the beginning and seeing that the emotional parts of coming undone appeared to be behind him, it's only then I agreed to continue seeing him. But I was on the look out for residual effects of the separation. But when you think of it, it's something you look out for post divorce or otherwise. The divorce was nothing but a legal document that neither of them took the time to process.

    Six months in, he filed for divorce. Six months later it was done.
    IMO it's not black and white. But I respect others opinions about it.

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