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Thread: I am in a dilemma ... help please.

  1. #21
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    I would wait until you were divorced.
    It will ensure this "lovely gentleman" is not the type to want to date unavailable women and freak or bail once they are actually available.
    If he is worthy, he will wait until you are divorced to date you.

    You don't know where your "radar" for man choosing is at right now yet.

    I would be "friends first", IMHO

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    Normally I would advise to wait until the divorce went through. But that's for couples who might not be totally over or might not heave healed.

    You both are way past that. To be honest, it's amazing you were as patient with H as you were.

    I hope you do decide to date this new man right now, everyone deserves a ray of sunshine after so many clouds.

    I also hear what others are saying about going from one relationship to the next, however, I wouldn't count what went on with you and H as a 'relationship' these past few years.

    You've had a to put up with a lazy sod and mostly were alone by the sounds of it.

    Go out there and have some fun. I still think you more than deserve it. The only thing I would suggest, is to take things slow, don't get too caught up in feelings asap or view this as your new husband, etc.

    Just date for now and enjoy one another's company.

    Thanks for the follow-up!

    I had a load going on at that point in my life after the ectopic pregnancy. My elderly parents had got themselves in a bit of a trouble and needed me to assist them plus a few other stuff relating to properties. At the time, I felt I was better off just rolling along with H still living in the house than to have to deal with the drama if I ditched him. Partly, I had hoped that he would wake up to reality seeing how much pressure I was under to make everything work and hopefully make a change. There is also a step-daughter that I needed to contend with as she thinks it's her job to make my life as difficult as possible.

    Yes, I feel that I have wasted my time waiting around for H. I think that if I don't start showing some interest now and get to know this new gentleman and go out on dates with him that I might just let slip this opportunity which may not come round again in a long time. However, I still have my reservations that some may think that what I intend to do is not acceptable.

    I do love your outlook on life. I will think about what you said and consider the best course to take. Thank you.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wout
    I might just let slip this opportunity which may not come round again in a long time.
    It's this very fear of scarcity that 'stabilizing solo' is about addressing. People fresh out of marriages who leapfrog are operating on this insecurity rather than developing the solo musculature to overcome. It tends to lead them into trouble that's difficult to get out of later.

    Read up on rebounding to learn why this phenomenon is a very real thing to avoid, and you will thank yourself later--and so may the gentleman.

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    It's this very fear of scarcity that 'stabilizing solo' is about addressing. People fresh out of marriages who leapfrog are operating on this insecurity rather than developing the solo musculature to overcome. It tends to lead them into trouble that's difficult to get out of later.

    Read up on rebounding to learn why this phenomenon is a very real thing to avoid, and you will thank yourself later--and so may the gentleman.

    Thanks for following-up.

    I wonder how long is this period of 'stabilizing solo' supposed to take.

    Would you please post a link to any article regarding "this phenomenon" to which you refer? I don't seem to be able to find anything except urban dictionary definitions of that term. Thanks.

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    I would wait until you were divorced.
    It will ensure this "lovely gentleman" is not the type to want to date unavailable women and freak or bail once they are actually available.
    If he is worthy, he will wait until you are divorced to date you.

    You don't know where your "radar" for man choosing is at right now yet.

    I would be "friends first", IMHO

    Thanks for your response.

    Sure, I will endeavor to find out if he is the type to want to date unavailable women.

    I have put away my "radar" for man choosing because my "radar" seems to be defective in the first place which landed me with H. !!

    I swear I wasn't even looking for trouble. I kept my head down and mind my own business. But the new gentleman popped out from nowhere and wanted to get to know me. We were strangers. At first, he thought I was single and he kept pursuing me. I had no choice but to regretfully inform him that I am legally married but separated. That news did not deter him at all.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member shellyf62's Avatar
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    I get the sense that you are trying to do the "right thing" all the time so you wont be judged by others.
    Life is too short to try to pander to everyone else's needs.
    Do what you want for yourself, not so it looks like the right thing.
    Do some soul searching & discover what makes you happy. You have been so busy catering to everyone else that I think you have lost yourself.

    Go out & have fun. If you want to start seeing this guy casually then do it. Dinners, movies, chats, laughter........sounds just what you need.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wout
    Thanks for following-up.

    I wonder how long is this period of 'stabilizing solo' supposed to take.

    Would you please post a link to any article regarding "this phenomenon" to which you refer? I don't seem to be able to find anything except urban dictionary definitions of that term. Thanks.
    Read up on 'relationship rebounding'.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    My husband and I met when he was legally separated (not yet divorced). I think you are a bit too worried for your concerns to pass as a non-concern at the moment or you could just be a worrier (I empathize with you). In other words, this really shouldn't be an issue between two people who are ready or perceive themselves to be fully ready for a relationship. Yet for you it seems to be and that's the only issue there is.

    Since this gentleman is such agreeable and willing company, I don't see why you can't enjoy each others' company. There has been full disclosure and you're both adults (you are not his keeper). Don't smother him or yourself with too many worries at this point. I'm sensing that you're also self-conscious about the break down of your previous marriage. Let it go. It's either now or later but you'll have to let it all go eventually. There are no rules or timelines here and you make the rules. If you feel overwhelmed at any point, be honest about the situation and take a breather from dating in general. There is no shame in hitting pause or knowing what's good for you.

  10. #29
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    Originally Posted by shellyf62
    I get the sense that you are trying to do the "right thing" all the time so you wont be judged by others.
    Life is too short to try to pander to everyone else's needs.
    Do what you want for yourself, not so it looks like the right thing.
    Do some soul searching & discover what makes you happy. You have been so busy catering to everyone else that I think you have lost yourself.

    Go out & have fun. If you want to start seeing this guy casually then do it. Dinners, movies, chats, laughter........sounds just what you need.

    I recently discovered my personality type (Myers-Briggs) after attempting various online tests. My personality type has the tendency to martyr ourselves for others and will do what it takes to keep the peace and please everyone. As such, I don't think I have "lost" myself as it is just the type of behavior that my personality type does.

    Yes, I am trying to do the "right thing" and not become too unpopular. As it is, I don't have many friends to begin with.

    It is definitely just friends with the new gentleman to get to know him better.

    Maybe I will care less about what others think once I take the brave step.

    Thanks so much for your comments and advice. :)

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    My husband and I met when he was legally separated (not yet divorced). I think you are a bit too worried for your concerns to pass as a non-concern at the moment or you could just be a worrier (I empathize with you). In other words, this really shouldn't be an issue between two people who are ready or perceive themselves to be fully ready for a relationship. Yet for you it seems to be and that's the only issue there is.

    Since this gentleman is such agreeable and willing company, I don't see why you can't enjoy each others' company. There has been full disclosure and you're both adults (you are not his keeper). Don't smother him or yourself with too many worries at this point. I'm sensing that you're also self-conscious about the break down of your previous marriage. Let it go. It's either now or later but you'll have to let it all go eventually. There are no rules or timelines here and you make the rules. If you feel overwhelmed at any point, be honest about the situation and take a breather from dating in general. There is no shame in hitting pause or knowing what's good for you.

    I think I am a worrier. As I explained to Shellyf62 (above), it is probably a characteristic of my personality type to just want to please everyone.

    I am conscious about the breakdown of the marriage insofar as the fact that the divorce is not yet finalized and so legally I am still married to H. I am still, in theory, accountable to H due to my legal status as his wife. The good part is that we are separated physically so this gives me a load of room to be completely on my own and room to think and reflect. I absolutely do not regret ending it with H because there was no real relationship in existence for many years between us. I have been feeling very much like a single person for a long time but with someone hanging around in the background waiting for handouts.

    Yes, I have considered my position with the help of you and the others who responded to my post (and thank you for helping me iron out my thoughts).

    I will enjoy the company of this new gentleman and take time to get to know him better.

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