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Thread: I am in a dilemma ... help please.

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    I suggest you get yourself divorced, and take some time being single. Don't jump from man to man. Learn to be independent.

    Your ex sounds like a creep and a parasite. You should have dumped his lazy azz nine years ago. Please don't ever tolerate this type of behavior again. You should not be playing parent to your partners.
    Thanks for your response.

    Yes, I am pushing through the divorce procedure regardless. Honestly, I never intended or actively seek out a relationship so soon after I told H to leave - it just happened and when I least expected it.

    And yes, I have to admit that H is lazy and he behaves like a kid. I did not have the heart to dump him when he was unemployed at the time. I held out foolishly thinking that he might change his attitude but it got worse and worse. I finally told him to leave after he is gainfully employed so that I will not be criticized by his friends (or anyone) that I dumped him when he was down.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    There doesn't seem to be a problem if you need to be separated for a time before filing. Focus on good communication with your attorney and getting your finances, house etc and paperwork figured out. Do not try to convince this guy of anything and do not trash your husband in order to sell yourself. He knows your status so let it be.
    Originally Posted by Wout
    I only started divorce proceedings in April. It probably will take another 6 to 8 months to finalize. He is aware of my marital status but he says he is willing to wait for me.

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    Your marriage was over looong time ago.

    You've been through enough misery with H. I say go for it and date this man if he wants to date you.

    You deserve happiness after being miserable for so many years.
    Thank you very much for your response.

    Yes, my marriage was over a long time ago. Our mutual respect for each other went downhill many years ago. H did not respect me and I gradually lost respect for him after having to tolerate many years of his bad behavior.

    And yes, I was miserable for many years, just buried myself in work and I think my endocrine disorder is to do with the stress and being miserable for a prolong period of time.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    If you asked if it's ok, that's a personal choice.
    You will find the views divided between whether to wait until you're divorced or the fact that you and your husband have basically been estranged for sometime.

    What does stand out to me is the fact that you feel afraid of doing the wrong thing. My advise would be to focus on that and what that's telling you. It suggests you don't see yourself as an autonomous woman, independent of your marriage yet.

    The divorce may just be paper work, but the emotional adjustment to single hood takes time.
    Thanks for your response.

    To be honest, I felt like a single mother to H for a long time, always taking care of his needs like a single mother would her son. Like a teenage son, H would not do anything in the house. Despite me having to go to work during the day, I come back to housework while H sits around all day in front of his computer playing games or watching a movie on Netflix.

    When H moved out, I felt liberated. I really love being alone and enjoy it a lot.

    The reason why I asked for comments is because I would like to read what others think about being legally married but separated and dating or seeing another and whether that is socially acceptable or not.

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    There doesn't seem to be a problem if you need to be separated for a time before filing. Focus on good communication with your attorney and getting your finances, house etc and paperwork figured out. Do not try to convince this guy of anything and do not trash your husband in order to sell yourself. He knows your status so let it be.
    Thanks for your response.

    I am filing the divorce and going through the process myself without lawyers involved. It is difficult but I don't have the money to spend on attorneys.

    The divorce is based on ground of H's behavior and not on ground of separation.

    The new gentleman first approached me and pursued me for a while before I relented and agreed to meet him one to one over coffee, dinner and our favorite hobby - trekking in the forest. He didn't need convincing or anything to want to be with me. He also knows why I am divorcing H. He is aware that I have been supporting H financially for many years and had quite enough. I do not to talk about H (good or bad) if I can help it (It only came out in this post as I need to explain the background to my situation).

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    The fastest way to push the new guy away is to keep going on and on and on about your husband and your divorce. Stop. Talk to your attorney about your divorce, finances, etc. Talk to a therapist about the emotional fallout and all the resentment you have. Don't use this guy as your emotional dumping ground, pay a therapist..

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    The fastest way to push the new guy away is to keep going on and on and on about your husband and your divorce. Stop. Talk to your attorney about your divorce, finances, etc. Talk to a therapist about the emotional fallout and all the resentment you have. Don't use this guy as your emotional dumping ground, pay a therapist..
    Yes, I agree with you. That is the reason why I don't talk about H in the presence of this new gentleman. Whatever information he has about H is what I told him from the outset when he was pursuing me. I had to be honest with him at the time. He respected my honesty and said he was willing to wait.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    I'd view this as less about social approval and more about the psychological impacts of leapfrogging from a long term marriage straight into another relationship before you've taken the opportunity to stabilize solo. Read up on 'rebounding' to learn the pitfalls, and then decide what's best for you.

    Nobody else is living our love lives for us, so nobody else gets a vote.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Normally I would advise to wait until the divorce went through. But that's for couples who might not be totally over or might not heave healed.

    You both are way past that. To be honest, it's amazing you were as patient with H as you were.

    I hope you do decide to date this new man right now, everyone deserves a ray of sunshine after so many clouds.

    I also hear what others are saying about going from one relationship to the next, however, I wouldn't count what went on with you and H as a 'relationship' these past few years.

    You've had a to put up with a lazy sod and mostly were alone by the sounds of it.

    Go out there and have some fun. I still think you more than deserve it. The only thing I would suggest, is to take things slow, don't get too caught up in feelings asap or view this as your new husband, etc.

    Just date for now and enjoy one another's company.

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    I'd view this as less about social approval and more about the psychological impacts of leapfrogging from a long term marriage straight into another relationship before you've taken the opportunity to stabilize solo. Read up on 'rebounding' to learn the pitfalls, and then decide what's best for you.

    Nobody else is living our love lives for us, so nobody else gets a vote.
    Thanks for your response.

    I do not have any lingering feelings towards H at all. I was the one who requested that he moves out and what a big relief that was the day he did!

    I went for counselling under the care of a professional psychotherapist and after 12 sessions, she said she would like to end the sessions because in her professional opinion, there is nothing wrong with me that needs to be resolved and that I am ready to go and face the world. She even supported my decision to leave H and proceed to divorce which was very odd as she is after all a marriage counsellor!

    I will of course consider your advice with regards to the impact of moving from one relationship to another without an opportunity to stabilize solo. Thank you.

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