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Thread: Do some people never find relationship?

  1. #1

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    Do some people never find relationship?

    Do you guys think, that some people will never find a relationship? The lack of confidence, lack of charisma and "weirdness" will prevent them finding a partner? I believe that every goods has its buyer, but I am 25m, never had a gf and I am afraid this is my case... I wish I could change, but I know myself and I fell I would not be able to get a relationship, because of my lack of self confidence, trust and insecuritites... And I feel I dont even need to try to change, because I know it wouldnt help at all... I feel I never find a relationship, as far as I fell and know I would never run marathon, so why changing?

  2. #2
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    Hey there buddy.

    Self confidence, charisma and all those things never "happen" magically even if for some people it is easier than others. It is a work on yourself, and it takes time, patience, self acceptance. You need to really work on these issues, and trust me, you can. It is EXACTLY the same thing as running a marathon. It never happens on a fortnight, but it really does take time and willingness to achieve. I can just say I was in your shoes 3 years ago.

    Back then I was a 21 year old dude, really insecure, zero self confidence, never had a girlfriend, never even kissed a girl on her lips in my life. I was not sporty at all (I went for a run like every month, for 4 km (=2.5 miles) , and I even had to walk for half the distance). 3 years later, I had a really beautiful 1+ year relationship with a gorgeous girl (which ended quite bad, me being hardly in love, but still, if you told me 3 years ago that I could date a girl like this one, I never would have believed it), and I run for approximately 10km every other day, and I'm more athletic than I ever was.

    Times have been really hard for me lately but I try to always strive for better. I think you should really need to adopt a positive way of thinking. Noone is even near to perfect, and everyone has his own qualities (and flaws), you have to accept that, and most importantly to accept yourself as who you are. This is the only way that someone else can accept you as a partner.

  3. #3
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    I think that can be true and most people who want a serious relationship more than anything and are willing to put in the work to become the right person to find the right person will eventually find that person for a healthy relationship (easier to find an unhealthy one sometimes!). No guarantees of course and it's a privilege not an entitlement and it takes work and effort and some luck. It's mostly but not all in our control. Reasonable confidence is essential to a healthy relationship. Charisma is not.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sooner or later, you will get tired of being alone and you'll be willing to change things and do what you have to do. You can't dig your heels in and not do anything nor ask girls out and expect results.
    Originally Posted by jcody
    I am 25m, never had a gf and I am afraid this is my case... I wish I could change, but I know myself and I fell I would not be able to get a relationship, because of my lack of self confidence, trust and insecuritites.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Two of my cousins have been single for pretty much their whole lives... both in their 40's... and I am honestly not sure why... they are both such lovely people, active, intelligent, bright, attractive, stable, successful in their lives... I've never asked them why but I assume it must be by choice, and that they are happy and content with their lives to the point that they don't feel being in a relationship would add anything. That or they lead some sort of secret life that none of us is aware of.

    At the end of the day I think you hit the nail on the head OP... you have some major issues that get in the way of you being in a relationship, and so far you have chosen not to work on them... in order to be in a successful relationship, whether that's with friends, family, or significant others, we need to be willing to work on all parts of ourselves and to learn to overcome fears of intimacy, anxiety and self-esteem in order to connect and bond with people.

    You might find someone that is willing to take you on as a project but it won't be the type of relationship that will push you to grow and be the best person you can be.

  7. #6
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Get a part-time sales job......you'll be forced to learn how to socialize with people and get paid for it........and learning how to socialize is how you start all kinds of relationships, including a romantic one.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    In my experience, what held me back for a long time was cyclically choosing the wrong people (friends and relationships) and not recognizing warning signs from a mile away. No matter how good you are, if you choose the wrong people to hang out with, it's just going to bring you down no matter what. In a world where we depend on each other (whether for work purposes or personal) we still have to engage and interact with people around us. It really matters what kind of people you let into your life right down to your acquaintances and friends. It also took me a long while (into adulthood) to learn to be flexible and forgiving and show my love in ways other than my usual ways. It's made me appreciate differences in others and learn to see things in different perspectives. It's also lowered my tolerance for intolerance (where I was once intolerable) and forced me to see all my ugly flaws. I mean, you can't unsee those things, and something in you, like Wiseman said, will propel you to change and grow.

    It's not really for anyone or to find anyone. You'll want to do it for yourself because you'll also realize that accepting and being more proud of who you are is more important anyway. Once you see those flaws about yourself, you just can't unsee them and I think you'll also be more sensitive to the fact when you do continue to make more mistakes and learn again and again different things about life and yourself.

    Don't do it to find someone else. It's really for you only. Everything else after that whether you like it or not or whether it's on a timeline you dictate or not, will fall into place.

  9. #8
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    Do you want a relationship? That is what you need to ask yourself. If you do, then YOU need to go out and start meeting people. They aren't going to magically appear.

  10. #9
    Gold Member leseine7's Avatar
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    You know, I'm sure there are people who never find a relationship, but usually that is simply because they didn't want one deep down. Those who want one, and - more importantly - want one to LAST, tend to be more apt to get help where they need it, reflect on themselves and stay open to the relationships that cross their paths.

    Basically, I believe that everyone who wants to find someone and live a happy long life with that one person will indeed find them. But it might take work, a lot of perspective and even more patience.

  11. #10
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    "And I feel I dont even need to try to change, because I know it wouldnt help at all."

    You make no sense...

    You essentially say you can't get a relationship because of things about yourself that make that difficult, and then say if you were to change those things it wouldn't help?

    Finding a relationship is hard but it's not rocket science. Not everyone will find a relationship, but I really believe that most people could find one if they try hard enough. No guarantees on the lastability or length or goodness/badness of that relationship, but you can find one.

    You're only 25. My first relationship was at 27, and my second one has just begun. I'm 35. I did work on changing myself. Even if my relationship doesn't last, I'm glad I changed myself, because I like myself more. It's better to have a good relationship with yourself than it is to have a bad relationship with someone else - so work on the self-love because it's the best way to get where you want to go in life.

    I'll just add, since I just saw Rocketman last weekend and it made me cry so hard at how so many people don't believe they are worthy of love: You are worthy of love.

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