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Not Sure What To Do


bizzare

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I'm in a relationship with my partner for just over 10 years. We've been up and down over the years. Anyway, I found messages on his phone from a person that he said he hasn't been in contact with for 8 years. This person was rumoured to of had an affair with him 8 years ago, which he denied. Anyway he said he doesn't know how the messages got on his phone as he hasn't seen nor heard from the person in 8 years. He then deleted the messages. He actually said the number belonged to his mum's friend before I phoned it up and found out it was this girl. he said he was shocked it was her number. These messages were on a private message on a cheap phone that I had to unlock. We've seperated, but he keeps telling me that he has no clue how the messages got there. The messages that I saw were not sexual, but very friendly such as hanging out etc. He now keeps on about wanting to take a lie detector test to prove he's innocent. I love him, and I want to believe him, but I keep thinking that messages don't just appear on your phone. I'm not sure what to do. Help need advice. I'm confused. His story I don't think makes sense.

 

Marie.

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Messages don't just appear on a phone. His lies are weak and you know it. You were right to separate from him. I know you're in pain and probably scared to move forward without him, but don't second guess your decision. You stood up for yourself and what you need in a relationship! I really respect that and hope you keep looking for a partner who will give you the treatment you deserve.

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Were the messages on his phone or on a cheap phone you had to unlock? The story is unclear to me. You said both. Because of that I can't rule out that someone may actually be sabotaging your relationship. I wouldn't dream it if it hadn't happened to me. You should get down to the facts (make sure you clarify where this evidence or information is coming from).

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I'm in a relationship with my partner for just over 10 years. We've been up and down over the years. Anyway, I found messages on his phone from a person that he said he hasn't been in contact with for 8 years. This person was rumoured to of had an affair with him 8 years ago, which he denied. Anyway he said he doesn't know how the messages got on his phone as he hasn't seen nor heard from the person in 8 years. He then deleted the messages. He actually said the number belonged to his mum's friend before I phoned it up and found out it was this girl. he said he was shocked it was her number. These messages were on a private message on a cheap phone that I had to unlock. We've seperated, but he keeps telling me that he has no clue how the messages got there. The messages that I saw were not sexual, but very friendly such as hanging out etc. He now keeps on about wanting to take a lie detector test to prove he's innocent. I love him, and I want to believe him, but I keep thinking that messages don't just appear on your phone. I'm not sure what to do. Help need advice. I'm confused. His story I don't think makes sense.

 

Marie.

 

Phones do strange things sometimes, but this is fishy.

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He is full of crap, OP.

 

Why delete the messages if he's innocent? They could have been evidence of his innocence, if they were truly platonic and not from his rumored affair partner. Also, how would he know the messages are from his mum's friend if he previously had "no idea" how the messages appeared there?

 

It doesn't make sense because it's not true. You know it, and he knows it. I don't see what a polygraph will tell you that you don't already know, deep-down, but heck - call his bluff and book an appointment if you want. My guess is that he will suddenly come up with an excuse not to take it.

 

I have the impression things haven't been good for a while between you two, though. Where did you find this phone? How had your relationship been going leading up to this discovery?

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Were the messages on his phone or on a cheap phone you had to unlock? The story is unclear to me. You said both. Because of that I can't rule out that someone may actually be sabotaging your relationship. I wouldn't dream it if it hadn't happened to me. You should get down to the facts (make sure you clarify where this evidence or information is coming from).

 

It's a cheap phone, not a smart phone. The messages were locked where I had to put in a password to retrieve them. My ex partner that I have huge feelings for keeps talking about lie detector saying that he hasn't been in contact with this person. I keep telling him that you don't just get messages on your phone, you must of shared phone numbers etc, but he keeps denying it. Should I let him take lie detector. it's going to cost him a lot of money. We have two young children together. He's a great dad.

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How can i ensure that their relationship is real? I have no evidence. The phone messages are gone. The girl is now not picking up the phone to talk to me. I've basically got my eyes of what I saw, and my partner's word. I want to believe him, but I can't see how he's telling me the truth. If you haven't seen someone for 8 years, how do you get each others number? He seems to be begging me not to break up until he takes a lie detector. He told me to let him prove his innocence, but I don't even know how reliable a lie detector is. I asked him why he deleted the messages, he said when there's problems in his life he does crazy stuff. For example is a bill turns up he'll rip it up because of the stress etc.

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Why does he have a cheap not smart phone in his possession? That he clearly has kept up payment for even if only pay as you go?

Of course he is bluffing re a lie detector! Who even actually does that? He is saying that hoping its enough to convince you.

Call his bluff! Tell him you found someone willing to do it for a mere let’s say $100. And that you are willing to pay it.

Say you have arranged an appointment for x date.

 

Really you know the answer and no lie detector needed.

OR if it was all innocent , your trust issues are out of the park.

Either way, this relationship is not good and you know that.

 

What proof do you actually need in order to walk away?

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Sorry to hear this is going on. Why has it been "up and down". Of course you realize he's lying about all this. Does he lie about other things? Have you separated before? Was this time about these messages?

We've been up and down over the years. He actually said the number belonged to his mum's friend before I phoned it up and found out it was this girl. he said he was shocked it was her number.
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Sorry to hear this is going on. Why has it been "up and down". Of course you realize he's lying about all this. Does he lie about other things? Have you separated before? Was this time about these messages?

 

he suffers depression, which can sometimes make his moods up and down. He's a lovely generous person though. I have trusted him because he doesn't like people's company too much and because I just couldn't see him cheating on me. He always said I was the one for him etc and I believed him. The messages I saw shocked me, not because of the messages, but because who I found out who they were sent to. I don't believe he's lied to me that much in the past. Maybe little white lies, but not nothing worth breaking up for. This on the other hand has destroyed me.

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Why does he have a cheap not smart phone in his possession? That he clearly has kept up payment for even if only pay as you go?

Of course he is bluffing re a lie detector! Who even actually does that? He is saying that hoping its enough to convince you.

Call his bluff! Tell him you found someone willing to do it for a mere let’s say $100. And that you are willing to pay it.

Say you have arranged an appointment for x date.

 

Really you know the answer and no lie detector needed.

OR if it was all innocent , your trust issues are out of the park.

Either way, this relationship is not good and you know that.

 

What proof do you actually need in order to walk away?

 

He doesn't like the latest technology. He doesn't do facebook etc. I don't have facebook either, so we're like an old fashioned couple, and I liked that. I have no problem with him wanting a cheap phone. He can buy whatever he wants. The phone itself isn't the problem for me, it's the messages. He said he hasn't even seen this girl in the last 8 years. I said to him how did the messages appear then, which he said he doesn't know. When i first brought up the messages, he deleted it saying it must of been his mum's friends number. What he didn't know was that I already recorded the number and later found out it was this girl that caused us a lot of problems years ago.

 

He said he's going to pay for the most advanced lie detector. I think he's going to as well.

 

I would walk away if he's seen this girl behind my back. This girl caused my whole family hell years ago. He's denying even being in contact with this girl. It's very strange if he's not lying because I can't think of someone receiving multiple messages without actually being in contact. Him deleting the messages and destroying the sim has made this worse for me.

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It's a cheap phone, not a smart phone. The messages were locked where I had to put in a password to retrieve them. My ex partner that I have huge feelings for keeps talking about lie detector saying that he hasn't been in contact with this person. I keep telling him that you don't just get messages on your phone, you must of shared phone numbers etc, but he keeps denying it. Should I let him take lie detector. it's going to cost him a lot of money. We have two young children together. He's a great dad.

 

You've already used the term 'ex-partner' to refer to him. This suggests the relationship is over to you. Any further speculation is just white noise and it's you looking for more trouble. Let the relationship go and give yourself time to heal properly if it's a decision you've already made. Whether he continues to be a good father to your kids is a decision that's up to him and something that is out of your control. You cannot control everything after a break up. Find peace in other ways, not speculation and whether or not to use lie detectors.

 

Stop arguing with him. It makes you look childish and willing to barter with the devil metaphorically (meaning a situation you've already made a decision in). I am not saying you are childish, per say, but you're appearing very wishy washy and like you're going back and forth on a decision you'd rather not go back on. In other words, you come across as someone that can be taken advantaged of easily. I don't think it's useful to barter with him or give in to anything he says if you don't feel in your gut you're happy or comfortable in the relationship in the first place. Stand your ground if you've already made that decision and stay strong for your kids.

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You've already used the term 'ex-partner' to refer to him. This suggests the relationship is over to you. Any further speculation is just white noise and it's you looking for more trouble. Let the relationship go and give yourself time to heal properly if it's a decision you've already made. Whether he continues to be a good father to your kids is a decision that's up to him and something that is out of your control. You cannot control everything after a break up. Find peace in other ways, not speculation and whether or not to use lie detectors.

 

Stop arguing with him. It makes you look childish and willing to barter with the devil metaphorically (meaning a situation you've already made a decision in). I am not saying you are childish, per say, but you're appearing very wishy washy and like you're going back and forth on a decision you'd rather not go back on. In other words, you come across as someone that can be taken advantaged of easily. I don't think it's useful to barter with him or give in to anything he says if you don't feel in your gut you're happy or comfortable in the relationship in the first place. Stand your ground if you've already made that decision and stay strong for your kids.

 

I love him. I would never of broken up with him if it wasn't for the messages. If I knew he was telling the truth, I would take him back in a heartbeat. How reliable are lie detectors. I would feel awful in years to come if I ever found out he was telling the truth. I just can't see how messages can appear on a phone without some form of contact. His reaction of deleting the messages and destroying the sim card doesn't look good either.

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I love him. I would never of broken up with him if it wasn't for the messages. If I knew he was telling the truth, I would take him back in a heartbeat. How reliable are lie detectors. I would feel awful in years to come if I ever found out he was telling the truth. I just can't see how messages can appear on a phone without some form of contact. His reaction of deleting the messages and destroying the sim card doesn't look good either.

 

It's that part in bold above there that stands out most to me. Maybe you need more time, that's all. More time to absorb and sort things out. Do you mind me asking what kinds of support you have around you (ie. parents, friends, family members)?

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It's that part in bold above there that stands out most to me. Maybe you need more time, that's all. More time to absorb and sort things out. Do you mind me asking what kinds of support you have around you (ie. parents, friends, family members)?

 

I'm blessed to have a very good family that have shown me a lot of support, telling me they would stand by me by whatever decision I make. I love this man, he's also the father of my children. I can't see him cheating, but the messages on the phone and his reaction was certainly bizzare. Am i being naive in having any kind of hope that he's telling me the truth? I really want to believe him, but am scared of letting my feelings for him making a fool out of me. If he cheated and was honest, I could then move on with my life a lot easier, but he's denying everything. I don't want our relationship to end if nothing ever happened. I'm confused, really confused. I don't know the truth.

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Am i being naive in having any kind of hope that he's telling me the truth?

 

No, you're being human. It's normal to want to believe that our loved ones have not betrayed us. I have been in your shoes, wanting to think that a former partner of mine wasn't capable of that sort of behaviour.

 

However, the evidence here really doesn't suggest he is totally innocent. What sort of problems did you two encounter in the past with this specific woman?

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No, you're being human. It's normal to want to believe that our loved ones have not betrayed us. I have been in your shoes, wanting to think that a former partner of mine wasn't capable of that sort of behaviour.

 

However, the evidence here really doesn't suggest he is totally innocent. What sort of problems did you two encounter in the past with this specific woman?

 

This former woman was my best friend. My other friends told me to keep an eye on her because they kept seeing her with my partner. When I confronted my partner about it he told me my friends were lying and that he could never see this woman. I took his word for it, which is why 8 years later I'm shocked that somehow messages from her number is on his phone. Not even I know her number now. The number was not saved on his phone as a contact. He's like I have no idea how these messages got on my phone. I told him I want to believe you, but why did you have to delete the messages etc. He now just keeps talking about a lie detector, telling me i'll prove my innocence.

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Why is she no longer your friend? Has she always been a rival or a thorn in your side for some reason? Do you know her through your bf or were you friends before?

 

Find and contact her on social media to "catch up". Do not make accusations, just get a sense of things, since you feel the truth is not available from your bf...

This former woman was my best friend.My other friends told me to keep an eye on her because they kept seeing her with my partner.
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Why is she no longer your friend? Has she always been a rival or a thorn in your side for some reason? Do you know her through your bf or were you friends before?

 

Find and contact her on social media to "catch up". Do not make accusations, just get a sense of things, since you feel the truth is not available from your bf...

 

She's no longer my friend because 8 years ago she made her feelings to my partner known and told him and my other friends that he'll be better with her. I had kids with my partner at the time. I told her this is the ultimate betrayal, but she told me she loved him. We ended our friendship. I contacted her after finding her number on my partners phone. She said nothing happened and has since refused to speak to me. I trusted my parter, but he keeps saying he doesn't know how the messages got there. It doesn't make sense.

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