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Thread: I really need an opinion on this

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I agree with thisóto a degree. But I don't think he's the only "bundle of frazzled nerves" in this equation. I remembered your last post, OP: the 100 dates, the dating as reps, etc. What triggered that memory? Your 3.5-6 month rule here. It's all very mathematical, hyper focused, nervyónot unlike his attitude. Like seeks like. Perhaps that's a bit of a bonding point between you guys.

    Anyhow, I'd just feel this out. Don't worry so much about 3.5 months and so on, but just listen to your gut, your spirit. If it's jittery it means something is off, if it's calm it means keep going, if he keeps looking for ways to make sex the focusówell, lame. Focus more on the next date than six months from now. That's where the clarity is. Maybe he's too frazzled and awkward to date properlyóor in a way that works for youóor maybe you're both a little frazzled and awkward in a way that will work. Time will let you know that, sooner than you think.
    You are absolutely right about he and I being equally awkward, maybe thatís what makes him so relatable to me. Iím terrified of investing too much too soon because I'm still not 100% confident in my ability to discern peopleís character. Heís terrified of rushing into a relationship out of fear the person will change and start making demands that he canít fulfill. We both agree that we need time to get comfortable with the other person, as well as space to process our thoughts. No pressure, no expectations because neither of us wants to let ourselves or each other down.

    Iíve brought up the fact that he seems a bit all over the place. Originally, he told me he was used to playing relationship without the title. He said women would give him all the benefits of a relationship for months without the commitment, and it never worked out. I told him that he was looking for an F-buddy, and he got very upset with me. We got into an argument about it, and he called me the next day after he slept on it. He agreed that what he had been doing was FWB, he saw where it ruined the relationship, and was willing to compromise with me. I feel like conceptually, he likes the idea of waiting and getting to know me. In reality, itís unnatural for him, and thatís why heís frustrated. I think heís partially waiting with me because it sounds good to him, and he also knows itís the only way to keep me around.

    We are going out on Friday, and I canít wait to see how this goes. He wasnít sexual at all today, but he had a bad day at his new job. Youíre right, time is the only thing that will let me know.

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Unfortunately he seems be talking about his past way too much. Continue to go out on dates and have the exclusive talk before sex. It's really that simple. Too many technical label discussions really don't mean anything. Stop facetiming/texting this much. Go out on dates.
    Yes! That bothers me too. He has about 5 framed collages of sad/heartbroken/emotional-healing instagram quotes hanging on his bedroom wall. I thought it was sweet and creative, so I asked him what the inspiration was. He said it was therapeutic for him while he was hurt and mourning his last relationship. He mentions how much this woman hurt him all the time, but wonít tell me exactly what she did. He said therapy helped him through it, and heís extremely supportive to anyone going through a bad breakup.

    I am trying to focus on dates. Iíd like to see him no more than once per week though, because we had started seeing each other too often and I started to want to run. Iím not perfect in this situation either. I need him to be patient with me as well. One date at a time.

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    He clearly doesn't know what works for him. Too soon doesn't work. Having uncommitted sex didn't work either.
    You, on the other hand are clear on your boundaries. (good on you)

    As much as things should be clarified (once maybe, not multiple times) it kinda takes away from the experience.
    Just something to think about.

    I'd put this on ice until he gets clear with himself. It's hard to navigate something with someone who doesn't know what they want.

    It's possible he's hoping to bamboozle you with mixed messages -or he's just being insecure and unsure. Not sure. But I'd take a step back if it were me.
    Yes! Youíre right, itís as if he doesnít know what works for him, and my terms are an attempt at something new.

    Iím trying very hard not to invest much in him too soon so I donít get emotionally attached. I have fallen back and let him take the reins. He initiates all communication and dates, while Iím just existing and going with the flow.

    He made the joke that heís in charge the other day, and Iíve let him take that and run. Itís less pressure on me because I donít need to calculate my every action, or wonder what to do next. Previously, Iíd agonize over every small move I made, and nearly have anxiety attacks at the slightest hint I may have done something wrong.

    Letting him lead prevents me from having to do anything at all. If he doesnít do something, I know itís because he didnít want to, not because of anything Iíve done. I get the feeling that thinking heís in control of some aspect of our relationship makes him feel comfortable.

    Is this what you meant?

  4. #24
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Run! 🚩😲🛵🚩🚀👟👟👟👟👟👟👟
    Originally Posted by Badlover
    He said it was therapeutic for him while he was hurt and mourning his last relationship. He mentions how much this woman hurt him all the time.

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by Badlover
    He has about 5 framed collages of sad/heartbroken/emotional-healing instagram quotes hanging on his bedroom wall. I thought it was sweet and creative, so I asked him what the inspiration was. He said it was therapeutic for him while he was hurt and mourning his last relationship. He mentions how much this woman hurt him all the time, but wonít tell me exactly what she did. He said therapy helped him through it, and heís extremely supportive to anyone going through a bad breakup.
    I'm sorry OP, but this guy is not ready for another relationship.

    He's too emotionally tied-up with his ex if he's still talking about her all the time and needs visual therapeutic supports.

    I would call it a day on this one. It isn't very likely to end well for you if you stick around, regardless of when you do or don't have sex with him.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Badlover
    He has about 5 framed collages of sad/heartbroken/emotional-healing instagram quotes hanging on his bedroom wall. I thought it was sweet and creative, so I asked him what the inspiration was. He said it was therapeutic for him while he was hurt and mourning his last relationship. He mentions how much this woman hurt him all the time, but wonít tell me exactly what she did. He said therapy helped him through it, and heís extremely supportive to anyone going through a bad breakup.
    Agreeing with the others: not the cutest look, all that. Dude is still majorly processing that relationship. You'll make the choice that's right for you, but in your shoes that wouldn't sit well with me. What might be healing/inspirational interior design choices for him would read, to my eyes, no different than a wall covered in pictures of an ex. I wouldn't want to see if, by dating him, I could be the thing to really help him get over that pain he can't stop talking about.

  8. #27
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Unfortunately he seems be talking about his past way too much. Continue to go out on dates and have the exclusive talk before sex. It's really that simple. Too many technical label discussions really don't mean anything. Stop facetiming/texting this much. Go out on dates.


    Originally Posted by Badlover
    Yes! That bothers me too. He has about 5 framed collages of sad/heartbroken/emotional-healing instagram quotes hanging on his bedroom wall. I thought it was sweet and creative, so I asked him what the inspiration was. He said it was therapeutic for him while he was hurt and mourning his last relationship. He mentions how much this woman hurt him all the time, but wonít tell me exactly what she did. He said therapy helped him through it, and heís extremely supportive to anyone going through a bad breakup.

    - Ok, with this additional info, I can tell you he's on the rebound, still grieving and reeling from his previous breakup, and not ready to love another yet. If you play with a man on the rebound, there is a high chance he'll eventually drop you and break your heart.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member LC8328's Avatar
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    Agree. He is not ready to give you what you want and deserve. Plus, he is still healing.

    I commend you for sticking by your values. Good on you.

    I highly recommend you find someone who's a better fit for you.

  10. #29
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    He sounds like someone who could talk a dog off a meat wagon. I'm sorry to be blunt, but I feel that despite his use of clever wording, his major interest is getting you between the sheets, (imo).

    I'm glad you're sticking to your boundaries, but this one's a waste of your time.
    Last edited by HeartGoesOn; 06-27-2019 at 07:32 PM.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Badlover
    Yes! That bothers me too. He has about 5 framed collages of sad/heartbroken/emotional-healing instagram quotes hanging on his bedroom wall. I thought it was sweet and creative, so I asked him what the inspiration was. He said it was therapeutic for him while he was hurt and mourning his last relationship. He mentions how much this woman hurt him all the time, but wonít tell me exactly what she did. He said therapy helped him through it, and heís extremely supportive to anyone going through a bad breakup.
    Oh!
    Not ready by any means.
    It's one thing if he felt he needed to do this for validation and healing.. at the time.
    It's another that they are still present and there for you to see.
    Strikes me strange. Wondering why you didn't think so too.

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