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Thread: I really need an opinion on this

  1. #11

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    Originally Posted by Badlover
    Thank you! Sticking to my beliefs has been close to impossible for me until now, so this is a milestone. I was always quick to bend and backtrack if I thought a man was going to lose interest in me, and I’m happy I’m finally able to say “no” and mean it.

    I’ve never been in a situation like this with a man that I was as attracted to as this guy, so I’m being extra careful. I’m going to give this a few months, and if he decides he can’t wait to have sex with me until he decides he wants to be my boyfriend, I’ll happily escort him out of my life.

    Being okay with a man walking away from me because I refused to be his friend with benefits would say so much about my progress. I’m ready for it, and it would make me so proud of myself.
    Seems like he is telling you he thinks you may want to hear.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by Badlover
    Thank you! Sticking to my beliefs has been close to impossible for me until now, so this is a milestone. I was always quick to bend and backtrack if I thought a man was going to lose interest in me, and I’m happy I’m finally able to say “no” and mean it.

    I’ve never been in a situation like this with a man that I was as attracted to as this guy, so I’m being extra careful. I’m going to give this a few months, and if he decides he can’t wait to have sex with me until he decides he wants to be my boyfriend, I’ll happily escort him out of my life.

    Being okay with a man walking away from me because I refused to be his friend with benefits would say so much about my progress. I’m ready for it, and it would make me so proud of myself.
    Eeewww!!!
    Show him the door now? He won’t be around in a few months anyway!!!
    Yes we all meet people we are physically attracted to , but sex talk does not come up within a few dates if the person is genuinely interested apart from the physical.

    Boo hoo poor him got used for sex. Ya think???
    Really? You really think he is upset about it?

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately he seems be talking about his past way too much. Continue to go out on dates and have the exclusive talk before sex. It's really that simple. Too many technical label discussions really don't mean anything. Stop facetiming/texting this much. Go out on dates.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    He seems like a bundle of frazzled nerves and I cannot locate what's so weird about him to me but he is not ready for a relationship. Sorry. I understand different strokes for different folks but this person is setting off all my alarms and I wouldn't approach with a 20 foot stick. He will never be ready for a relationship on your terms and I'd strongly discourage involving yourself in any way with him because you both are not on the same page (I'm sensing you're way off in one corner and he's off in a far distant headspace). I don't even feel he's self-actualized nor has he spent enough time on himself. He's filling a void somewhere painful that you cannot reach and it has very little to do with commitment.

    Stay away from him if what you're looking for is something more grounded and real. This is the furthest thing from it. You're also not being treated like a lady because you're toeing the line. I'm being very honest with you. Just because you don't have sex with someone doesn't mean intimacy doesn't exist. You're still selling yourself short. Let this go.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    He seems like a bundle of frazzled nerves and I cannot locate what's so weird about him to me but he is not ready for a relationship.
    I agree with this—to a degree. But I don't think he's the only "bundle of frazzled nerves" in this equation. I remembered your last post, OP: the 100 dates, the dating as reps, etc. What triggered that memory? Your 3.5-6 month rule here. It's all very mathematical, hyper focused, nervy—not unlike his attitude. Like seeks like. Perhaps that's a bit of a bonding point between you guys.

    I'm not as thrown by this guy as some of the others on here. In ways, I share his general attitude, in that I don't want to label something after a week or three. Feels hasty. No matter how fierce the connection—which, this early, is basically just chemistry and hormones—I simply know that I do not know someone at that stage.

    My girlfriend and I didn't use the "bf/gf" language until...well, I don't quite know. Four months? It was almost arbitrary when we said it—though very sweet—since we'd been committed to each other (exploring only each other) since our first date, had plenty of check-ins and shared plenty of feelings along the way. We knew the other was dating with a relationship in mind—that came out early, casually—and we just kind of gave it time to evolve, for the connection to become something we both trusted, so the "label" was less something to start inhabiting as near strangers but a unique vessel for two that we'd built, together, and then christened.

    But I think I have a different attitude about sex than a lot of people. I love it, I want it, I'm far from prudish, but it's never a focus of mine in dating. I don't talk about it much. Maybe it happens on the first date, maybe after three months—whatever. It happens when we're both ready, and you feel that out, together, with words and bodies and respect. I've tapped the brakes a bit when I'm not ready to sleep with someone, I've had the brakes tapped a bit by another who isn't ready—small, delicate adjustments, not big record scratches.

    This guy, upon further thought, is a bit all over the map. He says he wants to move slow, but then talks about sex, a lot. Kind of weird. Kind of awkward. Certainly sounds, a bit, that he is trying to "figure out" this dating business rather than just dating, which is where I think you're both a little similar. Or, who knows, maybe he's just a dude hyper-focused on getting some—ugh. I know women have to deal with that a lot, which makes me always want to offer an apology for my thirsty gender.

    He reminds me a bit of a close friend of mine, who a year ago got out of a longterm relationship that was driven too much by sex than an emotional connection. When he was still a bit wobbly he talked about that a lot on first dates—how he was trying a "new" approach, wanting to take things "slow" with an emphasis on emotional connection. I'd tell him: buddy, if you want to take it slow just take it slow, don't make a whole show of it. Per Rose's post, I think my friend was making a show of it because he wasn't quite ready to actually do the thing he said he wanted to do.

    Anyhow, I'd just feel this out. Don't worry so much about 3.5 months and so on, but just listen to your gut, your spirit. If it's jittery it means something is off, if it's calm it means keep going, if he keeps looking for ways to make sex the focus—well, lame. Focus more on the next date than six months from now. That's where the clarity is. Maybe he's too frazzled and awkward to date properly—or in a way that works for you—or maybe you're both a little frazzled and awkward in a way that will work. Time will let you know that, sooner than you think.

  7. #16
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Typical player (or a guy on the rebound). Man wants desert and to be with other women at the same time. But woman wants a commitment.

    Stick to your guns. No commitment, no cookie!

  8. #17
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    He sounds like a player, like he’s telling you what you want to hear. I also think he overthinks it, he talks too much about his past. I think sex should happen naturally, when you both feel ready, at least that works for me. There’s just something off about this guy, sorry.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    He clearly doesn't know what works for him. Too soon doesn't work. Having uncommitted sex didn't work either.
    You, on the other hand are clear on your boundaries. (good on you)

    As much as things should be clarified (once maybe, not multiple times) it kinda takes away from the experience.
    Just something to think about.

    I'd put this on ice until he gets clear with himself. It's hard to navigate something with someone who doesn't know what they want.

    It's possible he's hoping to bamboozle you with mixed messages -or he's just being insecure and unsure. Not sure. But I'd take a step back if it were me.

  10. #19
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    Don't ever....EVER...compromise your own beliefs for someone else.

    He sounds like he might be a little emotionally immature. Chances are, if he is telling how how he wants sex so much, he isn't getting it anywhere. You are totally fine to ask him for a commitment before sex. I think that is quite appropriate. If he can't honor that, then he is the one with the issue.

    And, the fact that he gets his feelings hurt might be an indicator that he is slightly manipulative... Just let him know that if he wants the milk, he needs to buy the cow. And care for it. And love it.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Exactly. This jumped out at me as well.
    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    He says he wants to move slow, but then talks about sex, a lot.

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