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I really need an opinion on this


Badlover

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I met a guy on the 2nd of this month, and we really hit it off. After our 3rd date we ended up taking a moonlight walk on the beach, and having a steamy and romantic make-out session. After this, he started to call and want to see me more.

 

We ended up having a discussion about what a relationship would look like to both of us, and he told me he’s definitely looking to be in a relationship with someone, but he wants to take his time getting to know her. He said he has the habit of rushing into sex, and it really got him hurt and disappointed in his last two relationships. He said he’s very attracted to me, and is afraid of moving too fast sexually because of it.

 

I asked what “taking his time” meant, and he basically described an exclusive situationship in which he does dates, sex and couple’s getaways with a woman for an extended period of time until he decides to put a label on the relationship. He told me that was how his past 2 relationships went, and the women were okay with it. I told him that situation sounded a lot like friends with benefits to me, and that isn’t something I’m willing to do with him or anybody else. He was offended that I called it that, and said that is not what he’s trying to do, he just wants to make sure he can get along with a woman in couple’s situations before committing. This turned into a bit of a heated argument, and he felt it was better to have it in person.

 

Since he lives in my home town, I went over to his place to talk. I agreed to be in an exclusive situationship with him, but I would not have sex with him until we decide to make the relationship official. I told him that I felt comfortable making out and fooling around a little, but I couldn’t have sex with him. So sure enough we made out and fooled around a bit, and I went home before we got carried away.

 

The next morning he invited me out to breakfast at a local diner and he was super affectionate, and seemed to really let his hair down. We had a great time, and couldn’t keep our hands off each other. We ended up back at his place making out again, and then in deep conversation. He told me he doesn’t think home visits are a good idea. He likes my idea of waiting for sex, especially because our times together feel so good and natural. He said that sleeping with people too soon clouds your perception of them and it’s hard for him to separate his lust from his true feelings.

 

We kissed and said goodbye, and now communication has picked up a little. He stopped texting and just FaceTime calls now. I try to keep the calls under 10 minutes, and that seemed to make him call more often. We laugh and joke and talk about everything. I’m learning that he’s very sensitive and emotional, and it’s pretty easy to hurt his feelings.

 

He has mentioned that he’s frustrated that I won’t come over and spend the night with him, but he knows it’s for the best. He said that even looking at me on FaceTime turns him on, and waiting for sex with me is hard for him. He said he was afraid to tell me this, because he doesn’t want me to feel violated and stop seeing him. That he really likes me, and loves talking to me, but he feels conflicted, and he’s frustrated because he wants me there with him at night.

 

I told him that I appreciated his honesty, and if it felt like too much for him, he should go find a situation that makes him happy. That I’d rather not see someone at all than to get into an undefined casual sex situation when it’s not something I believe in. He said he understood and respected that, and felt that what I’m saying is correct. He said that waiting will give us something to look forward to if things work out, and based on our chemistry, he knows sex with me will be amazing.

 

Since it’s summertime, I have a lot of outings planned with friends, and I can’t give him all of my time. I have two vacations planned next month, and a bunch of really cool parties in NYC and at casinos. He’s mentioned on multiple occasions that he doesn’t think I have time for him, but I tried reassuring him that I’d always make time, and would never treat him like he doesn’t matter. I’d love to invite him to these parties and trips, but he’s not my boyfriend (since it’s only been 3 weeks) and I don’t think it’s appropriate. Especially since he told me he needed to go through the situationship phase.

 

I guess I’m a little bothered that he wants relationship privileges with women without being in a relationship. I understand that it’s 2019, but I can’t emotionally be in a casual sexual relationship. Also, it seems like he became more interested in me after I asked him to wait, when he said that it frustrates him.

 

I guess I wanted somebody else’s opinion on this, because if things do work out, I wouldn’t want to have told my friends or family about his sexual history.

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There are plenty of men who have the same relationship boundaries you have.

 

Instead of trying to convince him (and yourself) that it's worthwhile to wait, why not date a man whose beliefs match yours?

 

He says he likes me, and wants the same things, but then turns around and says he’s frustrated. It’s interesting that you see a misalignment of values/beliefs.

 

I guess what made me think we were in sync was that he said he wanted to wait for sex, even before I told him I wanted to. It’s just weird because he’s saying he wants it but doesn’t want it at the same time.

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Usually when someone is "confused", it's because what they believe and what's in front of them do not match.

 

I think if he's agreeing to wait for sex, he should stop talking about it so much. Telling you how difficult it is for him to wait sounds like a manipulative way to try to convince you to go ahead and sleep with him.

 

And if this is his belief structure, how come he never did this before? What you wrote about how he's been conducting his dating life sounds nothing like "I want to wait for an exclusive relationship before having sex."

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Well, this is an awfully lot of talking and mapping for three weeks, I have to say.

 

I know everyone does this stuff differently, but this whole "situationship" sounds like—well, an overly complicated way to describe dating. You don't want to have sex before you're in a committed relationship, he doesn't want to have sex right away either—cool.

 

So what, exactly, is the dilemma? You get to date for a bit to see if you guys want to commit. That's pretty standard, no? Just as it's pretty standard to not be ready to commit to someone you've only known for a week or three.

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Oh I think he wants to have sex with you and as soon as you are willing, he'll be right there. I think he might be telling you what you want to hear (that he'll wait) but really he is anxious to have sex with you soon. I see two things going on here, and that you and he are not really on the same page.

 

Congrats to you for sticking to your values!

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Usually when someone is "confused", it's because what they believe and what's in front of them do not match.

 

I think if he's agreeing to wait for sex, he should stop talking about it so much. Telling you how difficult it is for him to wait sounds like a manipulative way to try to convince you to go ahead and sleep with him.

 

And if this is his belief structure, how come he never did this before? What you wrote about how he's been conducting his dating life sounds nothing like "I want to wait for an exclusive relationship before having sex."

 

You are right, if he wants to wait, he needs to stop talking about it. I guess I saw it as him being transparent with me, but it could be an attempt to manipulate me into sleeping with him as well.

 

It sounds like he’s been doing friends with benefits and thinking it will turn into a healthy relationship for a while. He told me his last gf/friend with benefits/situationship was over a year ago, and the relationship only lasted 6 months but did a lot of damage to him. After sex he ended up getting emotionally caught up in this woman, and she somehow ripped apart his self-esteem and decided he wasn’t what she was looking for and abandoned him. He didn’t get into details as not to badmouth her, but he said he went into a major depression after she left him, and started gaining weight. He needed to do therapy for about a year, and is now in a place where he feels healthy enough to try again.

 

He said in the relationship before her, he was having sex with a woman in an undefined situationship for 3 months and she fell in love with him. She told him casual friends with benefits was okay because she was scared he wouldn’t want her if she told him she wanted more. He said within a few weeks of sex, she gave him a power over her that he didn’t want. She became extremely submissive and almost desperate to please him. Once he realized how deeply she felt for him, he ended the relationship because it would be wrong to mislead her when he knew what she wanted vs. what she was telling him to keep him around were completely different. He said ending the relationship really hurt her, and he still feel guilty about it.

 

He said that having sex too soon never works out for him, and he wants to stop the cycle. Because he was so transparent about his past and why, I thought it might be true. Maybe he has some things he needs to work through still.

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Well, this is an awfully lot of talking and mapping for three weeks, I have to say.

 

I know everyone does this stuff differently, but this whole "situationship" sounds like—well, an overly complicated way to describe dating. You don't want to have sex before you're in a committed relationship, he doesn't want to have sex right away either—cool.

 

So what, exactly, is the dilemma? You get to date for a bit to see if you guys want to commit. That's pretty standard, no? Just as it's pretty standard to not be ready to commit to someone you've only known for a week or three.

 

I thought about this too, and maybe I just need to go with the flow and see if we are right for each other. Although we have different ways of describing things, I kind of feel like we want the same thing, just for different reasons.

 

I struggle with dating, and I like to get outside perspectives without telling my friends my business. I personally have a 6 month limit on how long I will allow him to decide if he likes me, especially if I’ve already made up my mind in him. Ideally, I’d like to get to know him for 3.5 months. I feel that is enough time for him to let his guard down and be himself.

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You are right, if he wants to wait, he needs to stop talking about it. I guess I saw it as him being transparent with me, but it could be an attempt to manipulate me into sleeping with him as well.

 

It sounds like he’s been doing friends with benefits and thinking it will turn into a healthy relationship for a while. He told me his last gf/friend with benefits/situationship was over a year ago, and the relationship only lasted 6 months but did a lot of damage to him. After sex he ended up getting emotionally caught up in this woman, and she somehow ripped apart his self-esteem and decided he wasn’t what she was looking for and abandoned him. He didn’t get into details as not to badmouth her, but he said he went into a major depression after she left him, and started gaining weight. He needed to do therapy for about a year, and is now in a place where he feels healthy enough to try again.

 

He said in the relationship before her, he was having sex with a woman in an undefined situationship for 3 months and she fell in love with him. She told him casual friends with benefits was okay because she was scared he wouldn’t want her if she told him she wanted more. He said within a few weeks of sex, she gave him a power over her that he didn’t want. She became extremely submissive and almost desperate to please him. Once he realized how deeply she felt for him, he ended the relationship because it would be wrong to mislead her when he knew what she wanted vs. what she was telling him to keep him around were completely different. He said ending the relationship really hurt her, and he still feel guilty about it.

 

He said that having sex too soon never works out for him, and he wants to stop the cycle. Because he was so transparent about his past and why, I thought it might be true. Maybe he has some things he needs to work through still.

 

If he wants to stop the cycle, he needs to quit telling you how difficult it is for him to not have sex with you.

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Oh I think he wants to have sex with you and as soon as you are willing, he'll be right there. I think he might be telling you what you want to hear (that he'll wait) but really he is anxious to have sex with you soon. I see two things going on here, and that you and he are not really on the same page.

 

Congrats to you for sticking to your values!

 

Thank you! Sticking to my beliefs has been close to impossible for me until now, so this is a milestone. I was always quick to bend and backtrack if I thought a man was going to lose interest in me, and I’m happy I’m finally able to say “no” and mean it.

 

I’ve never been in a situation like this with a man that I was as attracted to as this guy, so I’m being extra careful. I’m going to give this a few months, and if he decides he can’t wait to have sex with me until he decides he wants to be my boyfriend, I’ll happily escort him out of my life.

 

Being okay with a man walking away from me because I refused to be his friend with benefits would say so much about my progress. I’m ready for it, and it would make me so proud of myself.

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Thank you! Sticking to my beliefs has been close to impossible for me until now, so this is a milestone. I was always quick to bend and backtrack if I thought a man was going to lose interest in me, and I’m happy I’m finally able to say “no” and mean it.

 

I’ve never been in a situation like this with a man that I was as attracted to as this guy, so I’m being extra careful. I’m going to give this a few months, and if he decides he can’t wait to have sex with me until he decides he wants to be my boyfriend, I’ll happily escort him out of my life.

 

Being okay with a man walking away from me because I refused to be his friend with benefits would say so much about my progress. I’m ready for it, and it would make me so proud of myself.

 

Seems like he is telling you he thinks you may want to hear.

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Thank you! Sticking to my beliefs has been close to impossible for me until now, so this is a milestone. I was always quick to bend and backtrack if I thought a man was going to lose interest in me, and I’m happy I’m finally able to say “no” and mean it.

 

I’ve never been in a situation like this with a man that I was as attracted to as this guy, so I’m being extra careful. I’m going to give this a few months, and if he decides he can’t wait to have sex with me until he decides he wants to be my boyfriend, I’ll happily escort him out of my life.

 

Being okay with a man walking away from me because I refused to be his friend with benefits would say so much about my progress. I’m ready for it, and it would make me so proud of myself.

 

Eeewww!!!

Show him the door now? He won’t be around in a few months anyway!!!

Yes we all meet people we are physically attracted to , but sex talk does not come up within a few dates if the person is genuinely interested apart from the physical.

 

Boo hoo poor him got used for sex. Ya think???

Really? You really think he is upset about it?

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Unfortunately he seems be talking about his past way too much. Continue to go out on dates and have the exclusive talk before sex. It's really that simple. Too many technical label discussions really don't mean anything. Stop facetiming/texting this much. Go out on dates.

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He seems like a bundle of frazzled nerves and I cannot locate what's so weird about him to me but he is not ready for a relationship. Sorry. I understand different strokes for different folks but this person is setting off all my alarms and I wouldn't approach with a 20 foot stick. He will never be ready for a relationship on your terms and I'd strongly discourage involving yourself in any way with him because you both are not on the same page (I'm sensing you're way off in one corner and he's off in a far distant headspace). I don't even feel he's self-actualized nor has he spent enough time on himself. He's filling a void somewhere painful that you cannot reach and it has very little to do with commitment.

 

Stay away from him if what you're looking for is something more grounded and real. This is the furthest thing from it. You're also not being treated like a lady because you're toeing the line. I'm being very honest with you. Just because you don't have sex with someone doesn't mean intimacy doesn't exist. You're still selling yourself short. Let this go.

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He seems like a bundle of frazzled nerves and I cannot locate what's so weird about him to me but he is not ready for a relationship.

 

I agree with this—to a degree. But I don't think he's the only "bundle of frazzled nerves" in this equation. I remembered your last post, OP: the 100 dates, the dating as reps, etc. What triggered that memory? Your 3.5-6 month rule here. It's all very mathematical, hyper focused, nervy—not unlike his attitude. Like seeks like. Perhaps that's a bit of a bonding point between you guys.

 

I'm not as thrown by this guy as some of the others on here. In ways, I share his general attitude, in that I don't want to label something after a week or three. Feels hasty. No matter how fierce the connection—which, this early, is basically just chemistry and hormones—I simply know that I do not know someone at that stage.

 

My girlfriend and I didn't use the "bf/gf" language until...well, I don't quite know. Four months? It was almost arbitrary when we said it—though very sweet—since we'd been committed to each other (exploring only each other) since our first date, had plenty of check-ins and shared plenty of feelings along the way. We knew the other was dating with a relationship in mind—that came out early, casually—and we just kind of gave it time to evolve, for the connection to become something we both trusted, so the "label" was less something to start inhabiting as near strangers but a unique vessel for two that we'd built, together, and then christened.

 

But I think I have a different attitude about sex than a lot of people. I love it, I want it, I'm far from prudish, but it's never a focus of mine in dating. I don't talk about it much. Maybe it happens on the first date, maybe after three months—whatever. It happens when we're both ready, and you feel that out, together, with words and bodies and respect. I've tapped the brakes a bit when I'm not ready to sleep with someone, I've had the brakes tapped a bit by another who isn't ready—small, delicate adjustments, not big record scratches.

 

This guy, upon further thought, is a bit all over the map. He says he wants to move slow, but then talks about sex, a lot. Kind of weird. Kind of awkward. Certainly sounds, a bit, that he is trying to "figure out" this dating business rather than just dating, which is where I think you're both a little similar. Or, who knows, maybe he's just a dude hyper-focused on getting some—ugh. I know women have to deal with that a lot, which makes me always want to offer an apology for my thirsty gender.

 

He reminds me a bit of a close friend of mine, who a year ago got out of a longterm relationship that was driven too much by sex than an emotional connection. When he was still a bit wobbly he talked about that a lot on first dates—how he was trying a "new" approach, wanting to take things "slow" with an emphasis on emotional connection. I'd tell him: buddy, if you want to take it slow just take it slow, don't make a whole show of it. Per Rose's post, I think my friend was making a show of it because he wasn't quite ready to actually do the thing he said he wanted to do.

 

Anyhow, I'd just feel this out. Don't worry so much about 3.5 months and so on, but just listen to your gut, your spirit. If it's jittery it means something is off, if it's calm it means keep going, if he keeps looking for ways to make sex the focus—well, lame. Focus more on the next date than six months from now. That's where the clarity is. Maybe he's too frazzled and awkward to date properly—or in a way that works for you—or maybe you're both a little frazzled and awkward in a way that will work. Time will let you know that, sooner than you think.

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He sounds like a player, like he’s telling you what you want to hear. I also think he overthinks it, he talks too much about his past. I think sex should happen naturally, when you both feel ready, at least that works for me. There’s just something off about this guy, sorry.

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He clearly doesn't know what works for him. Too soon doesn't work. Having uncommitted sex didn't work either.

You, on the other hand are clear on your boundaries. (good on you)

 

As much as things should be clarified (once maybe, not multiple times) it kinda takes away from the experience.

Just something to think about.

 

I'd put this on ice until he gets clear with himself. It's hard to navigate something with someone who doesn't know what they want.

 

It's possible he's hoping to bamboozle you with mixed messages -or he's just being insecure and unsure. Not sure. But I'd take a step back if it were me.

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Don't ever....EVER...compromise your own beliefs for someone else.

 

He sounds like he might be a little emotionally immature. Chances are, if he is telling how how he wants sex so much, he isn't getting it anywhere. You are totally fine to ask him for a commitment before sex. I think that is quite appropriate. If he can't honor that, then he is the one with the issue.

 

And, the fact that he gets his feelings hurt might be an indicator that he is slightly manipulative... Just let him know that if he wants the milk, he needs to buy the cow. And care for it. And love it.

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I agree with this—to a degree. But I don't think he's the only "bundle of frazzled nerves" in this equation. I remembered your last post, OP: the 100 dates, the dating as reps, etc. What triggered that memory? Your 3.5-6 month rule here. It's all very mathematical, hyper focused, nervy—not unlike his attitude. Like seeks like. Perhaps that's a bit of a bonding point between you guys.

 

Anyhow, I'd just feel this out. Don't worry so much about 3.5 months and so on, but just listen to your gut, your spirit. If it's jittery it means something is off, if it's calm it means keep going, if he keeps looking for ways to make sex the focus—well, lame. Focus more on the next date than six months from now. That's where the clarity is. Maybe he's too frazzled and awkward to date properly—or in a way that works for you—or maybe you're both a little frazzled and awkward in a way that will work. Time will let you know that, sooner than you think.

 

You are absolutely right about he and I being equally awkward, maybe that’s what makes him so relatable to me. I’m terrified of investing too much too soon because I'm still not 100% confident in my ability to discern people’s character. He’s terrified of rushing into a relationship out of fear the person will change and start making demands that he can’t fulfill. We both agree that we need time to get comfortable with the other person, as well as space to process our thoughts. No pressure, no expectations because neither of us wants to let ourselves or each other down.

 

I’ve brought up the fact that he seems a bit all over the place. Originally, he told me he was used to playing relationship without the title. He said women would give him all the benefits of a relationship for months without the commitment, and it never worked out. I told him that he was looking for an F-buddy, and he got very upset with me. We got into an argument about it, and he called me the next day after he slept on it. He agreed that what he had been doing was FWB, he saw where it ruined the relationship, and was willing to compromise with me. I feel like conceptually, he likes the idea of waiting and getting to know me. In reality, it’s unnatural for him, and that’s why he’s frustrated. I think he’s partially waiting with me because it sounds good to him, and he also knows it’s the only way to keep me around.

 

We are going out on Friday, and I can’t wait to see how this goes. He wasn’t sexual at all today, but he had a bad day at his new job. You’re right, time is the only thing that will let me know.

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Unfortunately he seems be talking about his past way too much. Continue to go out on dates and have the exclusive talk before sex. It's really that simple. Too many technical label discussions really don't mean anything. Stop facetiming/texting this much. Go out on dates.

 

Yes! That bothers me too. He has about 5 framed collages of sad/heartbroken/emotional-healing instagram quotes hanging on his bedroom wall. I thought it was sweet and creative, so I asked him what the inspiration was. He said it was therapeutic for him while he was hurt and mourning his last relationship. He mentions how much this woman hurt him all the time, but won’t tell me exactly what she did. He said therapy helped him through it, and he’s extremely supportive to anyone going through a bad breakup.

 

I am trying to focus on dates. I’d like to see him no more than once per week though, because we had started seeing each other too often and I started to want to run. I’m not perfect in this situation either. I need him to be patient with me as well. One date at a time.

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He clearly doesn't know what works for him. Too soon doesn't work. Having uncommitted sex didn't work either.

You, on the other hand are clear on your boundaries. (good on you)

 

As much as things should be clarified (once maybe, not multiple times) it kinda takes away from the experience.

Just something to think about.

 

I'd put this on ice until he gets clear with himself. It's hard to navigate something with someone who doesn't know what they want.

 

It's possible he's hoping to bamboozle you with mixed messages -or he's just being insecure and unsure. Not sure. But I'd take a step back if it were me.

 

Yes! You’re right, it’s as if he doesn’t know what works for him, and my terms are an attempt at something new.

 

I’m trying very hard not to invest much in him too soon so I don’t get emotionally attached. I have fallen back and let him take the reins. He initiates all communication and dates, while I’m just existing and going with the flow.

 

He made the joke that he’s in charge the other day, and I’ve let him take that and run. It’s less pressure on me because I don’t need to calculate my every action, or wonder what to do next. Previously, I’d agonize over every small move I made, and nearly have anxiety attacks at the slightest hint I may have done something wrong.

 

Letting him lead prevents me from having to do anything at all. If he doesn’t do something, I know it’s because he didn’t want to, not because of anything I’ve done. I get the feeling that thinking he’s in control of some aspect of our relationship makes him feel comfortable.

 

Is this what you meant?

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He has about 5 framed collages of sad/heartbroken/emotional-healing instagram quotes hanging on his bedroom wall. I thought it was sweet and creative, so I asked him what the inspiration was. He said it was therapeutic for him while he was hurt and mourning his last relationship. He mentions how much this woman hurt him all the time, but won’t tell me exactly what she did. He said therapy helped him through it, and he’s extremely supportive to anyone going through a bad breakup.

 

I'm sorry OP, but this guy is not ready for another relationship.

 

He's too emotionally tied-up with his ex if he's still talking about her all the time and needs visual therapeutic supports.

 

I would call it a day on this one. It isn't very likely to end well for you if you stick around, regardless of when you do or don't have sex with him.

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