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Really feel like I am in trouble here...


wayoff

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I was/am in a relationship with a beautiful younger woman. She is about a year post-divorce with two kids. We have/had a very good relationship. There were some bumps along the way with ex and so forth, but two months ago we were talking about marriage and a first kid for me...third for her.

I wanted to marry her, but felt she needed some time to find herself again. I kind of pushed her away so she would make the decision independently. I felt that would be better. So, I did and we were zero contact for a week. I contacted her and she said she did not think it was a good idea because she was disappointed, mad, sad., etc.

I gave her her space for another two weeks. I went to her house and she got into my car and said she was sad and I should not have done that. She had tears in her eyes. I stuck to my guns. Not sure why and gave her a few more weeks. Now I was blocked.

I went over a second time and she was completely different. Would not get in the car. No tears. Said it was over. I did not believe her.Then, she pops up on FB on a date. I am still blocked.

 

Give her space or is this done?

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I kind of pushed her away so she would make the decision independently. I felt that would be better. So, I did and we were zero contact for a week. I contacted her and she said she did not think it was a good idea because she was disappointed, mad, sad., etc.

I gave her her space for another two weeks. I went to her house and she got into my car and said she was sad and I should not have done that. She had tears in her eyes. I stuck to my guns. Not sure why and gave her a few more weeks. Now I was blocked.

I may not be reading it correctly, but there are two ways you give someone space. One way is with some grace and understanding to allow her to figure things without. The other (which it sounds like here) is as a form of punishment or to manipulate someone.

 

It smacks of you withholding something in hopes she would want it in return. If she's not weak minded she'd see through that and that's why she was mad, disappointed and it ultimately back fired on you. She wasn't going to be manipulated.

What exactly was the hurry anyway?

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I really have no idea what the hurry was. I just thought it would be better if she had some time to process the divorce without any influence from me. It made sense then. Makes none now.

About five days in, I texted her and she said all that. I guess it was then I should have gone to her. I really love her and want her back, but wow she started dating quickly, IMO.

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Just to clarify - you say you gave her "space", but did you actually just ignore her for a week or something? Did you communicate to her that you needed time to reflect? Her reaction strongly suggests she didn't ask for space, you didn't tell her what you were doing, and she was hurt that you stonewalled her.

 

If so, then this is a tough lesson learned. I wouldn't continue to date someone who did that, much less consider marrying him. You can't unring that bell, man.

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Explain the timeline again.

 

She is a year post divorce but you have been dating for a year? So that means you started dating her right after her divorce was final correct?

 

What you tried to do was let her decide if being in a relationship with you was what she really wanted (or so it would seem) but what you did was break it off with her (to give her space) and then contact her a week later because you were afraid of losing her.

 

I agree you may very well have been a rebound relationship to fill a void and chances are it wouldn't have lasted but what you did was cruel. You got her to fall in love with you and then told her out of the blue that she needs a break to think things out which to her probably sounded like "I need a break to test drive some new woman I met, I will come back to you if she doesn't work out"

 

This whole thing smacks of insecurity and game playing. It was like you were testing her to see how deeply she loved and wanted you. Well I guess you have your answer.

 

Your best bet is to try and talk to her face to face and tell her you love her and that you are an idiot that thought he was doing the right thing.

 

The whole getting married and having a child thing sounds rushed and a way to lock her down.

 

There are about ten lessons to be learned here, I hope you learn them.

 

Lost

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By "pushing her away", you were trying to do her thinking for her and manipulated the situation. Don't play games, they backfire just like this. For now wait until she contacts you.

I kind of pushed her away so she would make the decision independently.
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She ended it and tried to do it nicely. She specifically said it was over and is now seeing other people. She's even decided to block you (possibly because she thinks you're a bit delusional or can't take a no?) I don't think you had any choice in it. She's just not interested in you at all and I mean this in a kind way - I suspect you may have an over-inflated view of what your relationship with her really was (it wasn't that great). This is not uncommon after a break up. You haven't processed it. This doesn't mean you're a bad person. You might just not be her cup of tea. Let it go and start meeting new people.

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You wanted to marry her, so you cut off contact? That doesn't seem like the right plan... Did you think that you were going to succeed with reverse psychology?

She probably thought you weren't interested and bailed. I would. Add to that the fact that she was truly sad and showed you her emotions--and you still "gave her space?" I would be surprised if she ever gives you the time of day again.

 

You didn't realize it, but what you did was incredibly arrogant. And you may have ruined what could have been a beautiful life with a wonderful woman. If you want her back, you need to tell her that you know that you were wrong to do what you did--that your intentions were skewed. Show her that you love her.

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So she didn't tell you she wanted space and you basically forced it on her? She probably felt rejected and confused, yet you carried on despite knowing how upset you had made her. No wonder she has moved onto someone else - how cruel of you.

 

Ya...I see it now.

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Just to clarify - you say you gave her "space", but did you actually just ignore her for a week or something? Did you communicate to her that you needed time to reflect? Her reaction strongly suggests she didn't ask for space, you didn't tell her what you were doing, and she was hurt that you stonewalled her.

 

If so, then this is a tough lesson learned. I wouldn't continue to date someone who did that, much less consider marrying him. You can't unring that bell, man.

 

I am realizing this now.

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What explanation did you give her when you decided to 'give her space'? How did she respond?

 

I wanted her to be sure about the wedding. She contacted me the next day. I ignored her. I could not have sent the wrong message.

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I was/am in a relationship with a beautiful younger woman. She is about a year post-divorce with two kids. We have/had a very good relationship. There were some bumps along the way with ex and so forth, but two months ago we were talking about marriage and a first kid for me...third for her.

I wanted to marry her, but felt she needed some time to find herself again. I kind of pushed her away so she would make the decision independently. I felt that would be better. So, I did and we were zero contact for a week. I contacted her and she said she did not think it was a good idea because she was disappointed, mad, sad., etc.

I gave her her space for another two weeks. I went to her house and she got into my car and said she was sad and I should not have done that. She had tears in her eyes. I stuck to my guns. Not sure why and gave her a few more weeks. Now I was blocked.

I went over a second time and she was completely different. Would not get in the car. No tears. Said it was over. I did not believe her.Then, she pops up on FB on a date. I am still blocked.

 

Give her space or is this done?

 

So you wanted to marry her, she needed time to think, so you decided to give her plenty of time to think by pulling away, not contacting her for an entire week, without informing her you were doing so, do I have this right?

 

If so, then in her mind, you essentially ghosted her.

 

Nice.

 

Then to make matters worse, when she expressed hurt at being ghosted, you proceeded to ghost her again, this time for two weeks.

 

Dude!!

 

What the H were you thinking? Of course she was hurt, disappointed, angry, what did you expect?

 

That your ghosting her would result in her running to you expressing her undying love and want to marry you? Where did you learn that suddenly pulling away like that for one week, then two weeks, would result in her doing that?

 

This was game playing manipulation at its finest, and it backfired on you.

 

I suspect this girl DONE, but lessen learnt and don't ever play that "pulling back" game again, it's mean and manipulative.

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So you wanted to marry her, she needed time to think, so you decided to give her plenty of time to think by pulling away, not contacting her for an entire week, without informing her you were doing so, do I have this right?

 

If so, then in her mind, you essentially ghosted her.

 

Nice.

 

Then to make matters worse, when she expressed hurt at being ghosted, you proceeded to ghost her again, this time for two weeks.

 

Dude!!

 

What the H were you thinking? Of course she was hurt, disappointed, angry, what did you expect?

 

That your ghosting her would result in her running to you expressing her undying love and want to marry yiu?

 

Where did you learn that suddenly pulling away like that for one week, then two weeks, would result in her doing that?

 

This was game playing manipulation at its finest., and it backfired on you.

 

I suspect this girl DONE, but lessen learnt and don't ever play that "pulling back" game again, it's mean and manioulative.

 

Sums it up...I gotta see her...this was one dumb plan.

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Explain the timeline again.

 

She is a year post divorce but you have been dating for a year? So that means you started dating her right after her divorce was final correct?

 

What you tried to do was let her decide if being in a relationship with you was what she really wanted (or so it would seem) but what you did was break it off with her (to give her space) and then contact her a week later because you were afraid of losing her.

 

I agree you may very well have been a rebound relationship to fill a void and chances are it wouldn't have lasted but what you did was cruel. You got her to fall in love with you and then told her out of the blue that she needs a break to think things out which to her probably sounded like "I need a break to test drive some new woman I met, I will come back to you if she doesn't work out"

 

This whole thing smacks of insecurity and game playing. It was like you were testing her to see how deeply she loved and wanted you. Well I guess you have your answer.

 

Your best bet is to try and talk to her face to face and tell her you love her and that you are an idiot that thought he was doing the right thing.

 

The whole getting married and having a child thing sounds rushed and a way to lock her down.

 

There are about ten lessons to be learned here, I hope you learn them.

 

Lost

 

I realize that I haven't added this. I was the one who cheated on her husband with her. We dated while she was married, then while they were separated and for 6 months after the divorce. She brought up marriage on several occasions...never me. I would have, but I wanted to make sure she was ready again. As an earlier poster said, I got my answer.

The last time I talked to her she said, "We'll see." when I asked her if I could see her again.

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A newly divorced woman with small children takes these decisions very seriously. Had you been respectful of that and taken your time to get to some sort of conclusion, you may have had a different outcome. Instead you tried to force her into a decision and you did it in a way that was manipulative and punishing. All in order to get what you want.

 

Sorry, I don't mean to pile on here. I hope you take something away from this. It sounds as you are.

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Where did you learn about this "plan"?

 

If you tell me Corey Wayne, or any of those PUA websites, I think I might puke.

 

No it was mine. My mom was a psychologist and I studied psychology. I came up with it myself...smh.

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I realize that I haven't added this. I was the one who cheated on her husband with her. We dated while she was married,

 

ok. . not sure if that changes anything.

Just a mess, that's all.

Hope you are all are ultimately better people after having made such a mess of things.

Nothing more to say. . .

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