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Sweet Story About a Marriage


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So awhile back or it may have been on another forum, I posted a thread about a friend of mine who had been dating her boyfriend for three years, she wanted to get married and he kept telling her he “wasn’t ready.”

 

Year four, he’s still not ready.

 

So I created a thread (I think it was on another forum) asking others what their opinions were about it. The great majority of posters opined that he was stringing her along, that he had no intention of ever marrying her and that if she was dead set on getting married, he wasn’t the guy.

 

I, and some others, advised her to simply stop asking/pressuring him about marriage and just enjoy their relationship and the connection and love they shared.

 

So that is exactly what she did, not one word about marriage, she was perfectly happy just being in the relationship, she put marriage out of her mind and just focused on the relationship and loving each other.

 

Well, one year later, he literally got down on one knee and proposed, a year after that they had a beautiful wedding ceremony and now almost two years later, they are very happily married, own a beautiful home and are trying to have a baby.

 

Anyway, what prompted this thread today is something happened this morning that was just so special, it actually brought tears to my friend’s eyes, and almost mine too.

 

Her husband sent her an e-card wishing her a happy anniversary of their first DATE! Not when they got married, but their first date. Wow.

 

SHE didn't even remember exactly what day it was! But then thinking back, he was spot on, today is in fact the anniversary of their first date.

 

So, here we have a guy who was so hesitant to get married, for literally years he "wasn’t sure" or "wasn’t ready," the majority of folks advising her to end the relationship, that she was being strung along and he would never marry her.

 

Now, not only did he marry her, he’s remembering things like their first date, and sending her e-anniversary cards!

 

I dunno, I just thought that was the sweetest thing ever, and makes me feel better about the idea of marriage which as some of you know, I am a bit ambivalent about.

 

There's no question in there, just wanted to share a sweet story. :)

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I know many stories that would receive a “Dump ‘em” on this, or any other board.

 

Close friend was with her BF for 8 years, and he’d never talk about marriage. They built a house together, co-mingling finances and lives. LSS: He did finally propose, they’re married now 20+ years, and she truly is the love of his life. They still have Date night once a week on the same day of the week as their first date. I was on the “Dump him” team, but he proved me wrong, and he’s such a gem.

 

Family friend: was with her BF for 6+ years. He did drugs AND cheated with her best friend. Cried, cried, cried, but kept going back to him. 10 years later, he’s completely clean, they are married 6 years, have a baby, and he’s the best dad in the world. Oh....and she’s back to BFF with her best friend, and all is better than ever, for several years now.

 

Any of these stories, including yours, would earn a “Good grief! What are you thinking!!!”, which is why it’s important to look at your own full picture. Only the people involved know what the full picture really is.

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Thanks for posting LHG!

 

Two more inspiring stories, especially the second. You know, I was engaged to my ex, when I discovered he was heavily into meth and coke and had been for most of our relationship.

 

After I left he went to rehab, got clean and wanted me back, but for me it was too late, the trust had been broken. I also believe he cheated, although I have no concrete proof, just a gut feeling.

 

I did not go back, which was the best decision for me cause I don't think I could have ever trusted him again.

 

Last I heard, he is still clean and doing very well!!

 

But good for your friend, her love, dedication and loyalty certainly paid off in the end!

 

Question: Why do you think so many folks are in the "dump em" camp when things like this happen?

 

Even in my current relationship, I was told to dump him when he dropped off on line chat for four days before we had even met. And 1.5 years later, we are still together!

 

I try to not advise that anymore, except when there is abuse (emotional and/or physical); I realize every relationship is unique and special in its own right, and like you said, no one really knows the dynamic between a couple except the couple themselves.

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Yes very sweet and inspiring story and exactly the kind of exception to the rule that keeps the rest mired in horrible dead end abusive relationships for years, wasting the best of their life away hoping and hoping that their story too will be that one single exception to the rule. Sorry to rain on your parade, but not sorry really. Sadly, it doesn't work out like that for most people and waiting on that fairy tale ending causes too much damage for words.

 

Reminds me of the he is just not that into book/movie where the author discusses exactly this. That all the girlfriends will jump in with stories of the so and so being the exception to the rule and how they stuck it out and how it worked out for them and encourage their friend to also stick it out. Too bad that 99% of the time the rule applies and they are just wasting time on a guy who is not that into them while passing up on men who would give them what they are craving. Yet we keep focusing on the fairy tales, on the exceptions.....it's oh so romantic....and to heck with the pain and the cost for the majority for whom the fairy tale never comes, never happens. You must believe right? To heck with the consequences, just keep promoting the fairy tale because it feels so good.....

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@DF I am not disputing any of that and agree. I guess what I am saying, at least with respect to my friend's situation, is that she knew the love was there, she had faith in it, faith in their connection and that it would ultimately all work out -- whether they got married or not.

 

She had changed her entire mindset about it, from nagging gf pressuring him for marriage, to loving gf who accepted him and the situation as is. Which was exactly what he needed!

 

Once she did that, things changed for him. Instead of digging in his heels in response to the pressure, he was able to relax and enjoy the relationship, and her, which resulted in him realizing he did want to spend the rest of his life with her, and he proposed.

 

The sad stories you discussed in your post, I think in many of those situations, the women had blinders on. The love was not really there, on some level she probably knew it, but may have been in denial about it.

 

So she "hangs in" only to be disappointed when things don't work out the way she hoped.

 

With my friend, she wasn't wearing any blinders. Their relationship was solid, the love was there, she simply changed her mindset about marriage, and chose to accept the situation, and things did ultimately work out -- for both of them!

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I agree with DF. Yes, there are some nice stories out there but these are not the norm. I see way more misfit relationships with people just hanging on than I do happy stories like these. At any right, why waste years with someone on a chance (and judging by statistics, a slim one) that they will change their mind?

 

That's why many people are in the "dump them" camp. Because it's realistic.

 

For the record, the flip side of the coin isn't that bad. My recent ex (almost 4 years) was biting at the bit to marry me. I didn't want to and I tried to work on my feelings for a long time, therapy too, but it didn't work. I am out of that relationship now and I feel so much better. He would have stayed with me, waiting for marriage, for many years I am sure. Maybe I would have given in and decided to hell with it. How is that a happy ending?

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Question: Why do you think so many folks are in the "dump em" camp when things like this happen?

 

Oooooh, now it's about to get good!

 

I think most people who say "dump 'em!" are coming from a good place, and, after a year plus on this site, I'd say that most of the time I see that advice (regarding corroded longterm relationships, not the nitty gritty of early dating, which I think people are by and large way too sensitive about) it's probably for the best.

 

I mean, if someone came here and told me their boyfriend was doing drugs and cheating with their best friend? I'm about as open-minded as it gets, but I'd struggle to come up with anything except "get out." At my most generous, I'd offer the sort of advice I offer here plenty: that the odds of happiness here are very slim, the odds of more pain not just high but inevitable, and that it will be years—years—until you're even close to knowing if you're out of the nosedive. If spending those years gritting teeth sounds like a worthwhile adventure in the one life you've got to live—go for it.

 

I don't know if I'll sound cynical here, but to me the sweetest part of your above story isn't him dropping to a knee, eventually marrying her, and now sending e-cards. It's the part where she learned to be "perfectly happy" in the present tense. Sadly, we don't have movies and e-cards that celebrate that sort of thing, but I think it's where the real nectar is. In the above story, the marriage part is icing, not the cake.

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What I try to do now re giving advice. I don't tell a poster what they should do -- I give my opinion, I tell them what I would do, but I allow them to make the ultimate decision. What they feel is best for them.

 

Because as I said, neither I nor anyone knows what's behind those doors, the type of dynamic they have developed, the strength of their connection or bond.

 

I hope Seraphim doesn't mind, she has posted this herself, but her husband abused her for 13 years! She stayed. Why? The love was there, she knew it, he knew it.

 

He eventually sought help and healed and they are still together (and happy!) after 25 years!

 

Talk about inspiring!

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I don't know if I'll sound cynical here, but to me the sweetest part of your above story isn't him dropping to a knee, eventually marrying her, and now sending e-cards. It's the part where she learned to be "perfectly happy" in the present tense. Sadly, we don't have movies and e-cards that celebrate that sort of thing, but I think it's where the real nectar is. In the above story, the marriage part is icing, not the cake.

 

Why would you think that might be cynical? It's not, her choosing to accept and be happy with the status quo was sweet, as was him proposing on one knee and sending her the e-card today.

 

It's all very sweet!

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I'm glad your friend had a happy ending or new beginning with her husband. If only many people could be as mature and sincerely kind as her husband who eventually grew up. This world would be a better place for it. He sounds sentimental and it is indeed endearing for him to remember his first date with his wife!

 

Thanks for sharing, katrina1980.

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With my friend, she wasn't wearing any blinders. Their relationship was solid, the love was there, she simply changed her mindset about marriage, and chose to accept the situation, and things did ultimately work out -- for both of them!

 

Your friend gave up on what SHE wants, her values, her dreams, what she wants out of life and all for what? To hang on to a guy. Luckily for her, it actually worked out and in the end she ended up getting what she wants.....well...you know discounting the fact that she had to give up the very essence of herself in order for him to finally oblige. See nothing sinister in that? Perhaps a bit of a warped power dynamic? No? Probably not. Well, I actually do hope that your friend ends up the living example of that rare exception to the rule, the old couple still holding hands and smiling lovingly at each other. I really do.

 

As for why people yell dump him? Because life is too short to waste on time wasters. Time is the one commodity in life you can never get back, can never turn back the clock. Especially so if you are a woman and want children. Your time is limited, so don't waste it.

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This is the exact opposite of the thread you started a day or two ago, Katrina.

 

Do you know why you chose to post this story on the heels of your most recent thread? Did anything that someone responded there motivate you to post this?

 

I find it interesting.

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I guess everyone takes inspiration from different places.

 

If I was married and my wife was abusing me I would be unable to find hope or inspiration in someone telling me that the abuse will end, in a decade, and we'll be happy together, since that's what they'd gone through. But that's me, my value system, my perception. "Love" is not the ingredient I would be emphasizing in why a union like that didn't crumble.

 

Like bolt, I admit I'm curious about the motivation behind this thread. Are you looking for a reason to plough through? Are you trying to imagine the story you might tell, about your marriage, in a few years?

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Your friend gave up on what SHE wants, her values, her dreams, what she wants out of life, the "essence of herself." For what? To hang on to a guy.

 

I'm sorry DF do you know my friend? How in the world could you possibly have deduced all that from the little I shared about her? SMH

 

Anyway, she actually did no such thing, yes she wanted to be married, but a lot of that was societal pressure, and pressure from family.

 

Her values were commitment, loyalty and love and she (they) had that minus the marriage certificate. She accepted that, she was happy with that. She had her dream. a beautiful relationship with the man she loved and who loved her.

 

Not every woman's dream is to be married, mine certainly isn't.

 

Anyway, as I said, she did some introspection and realized what her values truly were. Acceptance and love. Which is what she chose to focus on, and it resulted in him realizing he wanted marriage, which was sort of the icing on what was already a very beautiful cake for both of them.

 

P.S. DF with all due respect, I really don't like the direction this thread is going. This was meant to be a positive, uplifting thread, not sure why you're choosing to turn this into something negative and ugly. Talking about time wasters?

 

You're entitled to your opinion of course, just not sure why you chose this thread, which again was meant to be positive and uplifting to post it on.

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I guess I just echo the ‘dump him’ crowd because I personally don’t like my time being wasted. I see it is as life’s too short so why spend fleeting time on unhappiness and waiting for change? I learned my lesson expecting my ex of 11 years to get better and wasted three years hoping I was the exception to the rule.

 

Maybe it makes me cynical or sound jaded. I just know and have learned keep those who cherish you and cut off ones who do nothing but inflict negativity.

 

It’s sweet your friends story and it was nice to read. I just know for me personally I would be ‘done’ if a guy kept dragging his feet. I would see it as he’s really not that interested and we don’t want the same things.

 

But maybe my patience is more low.

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I'm sorry DF do you know my friend? How in the world could you possibly have deduced all that from little I shared about her?

 

Anyway, she actually did no such thing, yes she wanted to be married, but a lot of that was societal pressure, and pressure from family.

 

Her values were commitment, loyalty and love and she (they) had that minus the marriage certificate. She accepted that, she was happy with that.

 

She had her dream.

 

Not every woman's dream is to be married, mine certainly isn't.

 

Anyway, as I said, she did some introspection and realized what her values truly were. Acceptance and love. Which is what she chose to focus on, and it resulted in him realizing he wanted marriage, which was sort of the icing on what was already a very beautiful cake for both of them.

 

P.S. DF with all due respect, I really don't like the direction this thread is going. This was meant to be a positive, uplifting thread, not sure why you're choosing to turn this into something negative and ugly. Talking about time wasters and such?

 

You're entitled to your opinion of course, just not sure why you chose this thread, which again was meant to be positive and uplifting to post it on.

 

In short, she convinced herself that marriage was just a certificate (and not knowing them at all I bet it took convincing herself) and settled for what he was willing to give her. Many people change their minds about marriage and eventually propose. I'm reminded of the scene in You've Got Mail when Tom Hanks and Parker Posey and the Elevator Operator get stuck in the elevator for hours. Parker Posey whines and complains (and Tom Hanks realizes that he'd better end things!) and the elevator operator says something like "you know I've been with my girlfriend ____ years and I realize now what am I waiting for?? I'm going to ask her to marry me!" Please do not quote me on that -it's a memory but that's the gist of it.

 

I think sure she laid off the pressure for whatever reason but realized that he wasn't going to propose so put up or shut up. I surely hope she didn't see it as exactly what she wanted minus the piece of paper - if she did and then accepted his proposal one would think she would have been low key/meh about getting married, right? But she wasn't, right? So it doesn't ring true.

 

Of course not every person dreams of being married. In fact I think it's better not to "dream" and to instead have a real sense of heart and head about it - to have a healthful marriage. Sure when I was a child/teenager I dreamed of being a bride - pretty typical! But I wanted to get married as a life goal, not a dream/fantasy.

 

I asked my husband today if he could please save the rest of the chips for me so I don't have to open a new bag since we're going away very soon. And I noticed he went in the other room at dinner time and fished out a bag of chips he had left over from some office lunch. I mean - he remembered and he cared enough to go and find other chips. And I thanked him -not gushing, not dreamy, not over the moon - but genuine appreciation. I say that's better than a "dream" and also better than thinking of marriage as mainly a "certificate" that will only add a piece of paper to a loving relationship. That's sad.

 

Having said that I am very happy for your friend!

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This is the exact opposite of the thread you started a day or two ago, Katrina.

 

Do you know why you chose to post this story on the heels of your most recent thread? Did anything that someone responded there motivate you to post this?

 

I find it interesting.

 

What motivated me to post this, was simply wanting to share something uplifting and positive about something that happened this morning that I thought was very sweet.

 

And to share my friend's story that i thought might be inspiring to some.

 

It actually has very little to do with my recent thread, the issues I am currently struggling with with respect to my own relationship. They're still there and am working through.

 

But my friend's story gave me some encouragement about the importance of acceptance, trust and love.

 

I am not saying that every situation or even the majority of situations will turn out like hers, of course they won't.

 

Again, I simply wanted to share something uplifting and positive, at least it was to me.

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While it's true that not every woman wants to get married, the majority of those who say that they do want it... actually want it. Not just "commitment", but actual marriage.

 

Would you consider the story to be just as joyous if your friend accepted him fully and then he never changed his mind? So it continued as is? My guess is not.

 

For every exception like your friend, there are at least 10+ people out there, stuck in relationships, hoping for marriage.

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Could we please stop assuming what my friend's true feelings and motivations were please?

 

No Bat, she didn't "convince" herself of anything, nor was she settling. I already explained her motivations, not sure why some of you refuse to believe it. Again I ask, do you know her?

 

I don't mean to be snarky, but my goodness, if I thought this thread was going to generate such a flurry of negativity, assuming to know what my friend's feelings and motivations were, which by the way are totally incorrect, implying her now-husband was some sort of time-waster, I never would have started it.

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I believe what you said about your friend, about her just wanting the commitment and not the marriage. If you guys are close, then yeah, you have a good understanding of her own motivations in a way that we don't and I accept that.

 

However, that said, I think your friend's experience is not the norm and is the exception to the rule. Her priority being commitment and not marriage is also exception to the rule.

 

So in that spirit, I personally feel it's kind of counterproductive to celebrate such rarities on a site where broken hearted people come all the time. I think it gives false hope.

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Could we please stop assuming what my friend's true feelings and motivations were please?

 

No Bat, she didn't "convince" herself of anything, please stop projecting.

 

My goodness, if I thought this thread was going to generate such a flurry of negativity, assuming to know what my friend's feelings and motivations were, I never would have started it.

 

I am not projecting at all - I was copying exactly what you said she decided -that marriage was just a certificate and she'd focus on the other parts. And I am not projecting -I don't buy it and I don't buy then why she would be excited to marry him if she convinced herself it was just a certificate. Either she truly decided -eh marriage is just a certificate, I am happy just to be with him or she convinced herself to settle for less.

 

You're assuming it's a fairytale ending. In certain ways sure it's a happy ending -they seem happily married. In other ways it doesn't seem so to me. And here's another guess -not a projection -I bet since they are trying to have a baby that if her bio clock had been ticking very loudly (and it seems that at least one of them didn't want to become parents pre-marriage) that she wouldn't have been content to let the years go by.

 

I don't think I'm being negative at all -I'm being realistic based on what you said -someone who really wanted to marry a particular person gave up asking that person when he would be ready given the answer and in the process decided that marriage was just a certificate and what they had was enough. Then, he changed his mind and wanted to marry her (we are not sure what changed his mind -you are assuming it's because she stopped asking but we don't know that) so she said yes even though -as you wrote -by that point somehow marriage was just a certificate. Regardless, apparently she was really excited to marry him despite it now being just a certificate. I don't think that's negative to have the opinion that it just doesn't add up.

 

I wouldn't have waited that long -I would have done what Dr. Joy used to advise -she would ask the caller "if you knew he was never going to marry you how long would you stay?" Then after that (internal deadline, not communicated to the partner) tell your partner that you need more than he is willing to give, that you need to separate and that you are willing to take a break with no communication for x months and no dating other people where he can contact if he changes his mind and wants to set a marriage date. (or you can end it of course). Not a strict ultimatum - because it's not "propose or I'll leave" it's "I am not going to wait longer, I'm moving on, we don't want the same things and if you change your mind and I'm still interested and available I'll consider it." But without nagging the other person or trying to convince the other person to propose or get married, etc.

 

It also depends why he wasn't "ready" and what changed (no I don't think it was just that she stopped raising the topic).

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I think this is the flip side of the same coin. Choosing to project the way we want things to be or the way we want others to perceive them rather than what is reality.

 

And of course there's no reason to conclude anything other than your friend is content and satisfied with her relationship. I think people here are fearful of giving others false hope. Too many times we see an thread where 8 responses are not what the OP was hoping to read, but ONE of those responses is and that is the response the OP seizes on. False hope is actually more mean than being "harsh" because the crash down to reality is much further.

 

Anyway, I do know of and believe in happy endings. I absolutely love to see a good, happy and satisfying relationship (marriage or otherwise). One of my kids is currently in one (newly married!) and they are very happy.

 

My cousin also has a great marriage, and so did other family members. It's wonderful stuff.

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