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Thread: Sweet Story About a Marriage

  1. #21
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    Could we please stop assuming what my friend's true feelings and motivations were please?

    No Bat, she didn't "convince" herself of anything, nor was she settling. I already explained her motivations, not sure why some of you refuse to believe it. Again I ask, do you know her?

    I don't mean to be snarky, but my goodness, if I thought this thread was going to generate such a flurry of negativity, assuming to know what my friend's feelings and motivations were, which by the way are totally incorrect, implying her now-husband was some sort of time-waster, I never would have started it.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member Fudgie's Avatar
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    I believe what you said about your friend, about her just wanting the commitment and not the marriage. If you guys are close, then yeah, you have a good understanding of her own motivations in a way that we don't and I accept that.

    However, that said, I think your friend's experience is not the norm and is the exception to the rule. Her priority being commitment and not marriage is also exception to the rule.

    So in that spirit, I personally feel it's kind of counterproductive to celebrate such rarities on a site where broken hearted people come all the time. I think it gives false hope.

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    Could we please stop assuming what my friend's true feelings and motivations were please?

    No Bat, she didn't "convince" herself of anything, please stop projecting.

    My goodness, if I thought this thread was going to generate such a flurry of negativity, assuming to know what my friend's feelings and motivations were, I never would have started it.
    I am not projecting at all - I was copying exactly what you said she decided -that marriage was just a certificate and she'd focus on the other parts. And I am not projecting -I don't buy it and I don't buy then why she would be excited to marry him if she convinced herself it was just a certificate. Either she truly decided -eh marriage is just a certificate, I am happy just to be with him or she convinced herself to settle for less.

    You're assuming it's a fairytale ending. In certain ways sure it's a happy ending -they seem happily married. In other ways it doesn't seem so to me. And here's another guess -not a projection -I bet since they are trying to have a baby that if her bio clock had been ticking very loudly (and it seems that at least one of them didn't want to become parents pre-marriage) that she wouldn't have been content to let the years go by.

    I don't think I'm being negative at all -I'm being realistic based on what you said -someone who really wanted to marry a particular person gave up asking that person when he would be ready given the answer and in the process decided that marriage was just a certificate and what they had was enough. Then, he changed his mind and wanted to marry her (we are not sure what changed his mind -you are assuming it's because she stopped asking but we don't know that) so she said yes even though -as you wrote -by that point somehow marriage was just a certificate. Regardless, apparently she was really excited to marry him despite it now being just a certificate. I don't think that's negative to have the opinion that it just doesn't add up.

    I wouldn't have waited that long -I would have done what Dr. Joy used to advise -she would ask the caller "if you knew he was never going to marry you how long would you stay?" Then after that (internal deadline, not communicated to the partner) tell your partner that you need more than he is willing to give, that you need to separate and that you are willing to take a break with no communication for x months and no dating other people where he can contact if he changes his mind and wants to set a marriage date. (or you can end it of course). Not a strict ultimatum - because it's not "propose or I'll leave" it's "I am not going to wait longer, I'm moving on, we don't want the same things and if you change your mind and I'm still interested and available I'll consider it." But without nagging the other person or trying to convince the other person to propose or get married, etc.

    It also depends why he wasn't "ready" and what changed (no I don't think it was just that she stopped raising the topic).

  4. #24
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    I think this is the flip side of the same coin. Choosing to project the way we want things to be or the way we want others to perceive them rather than what is reality.

    And of course there's no reason to conclude anything other than your friend is content and satisfied with her relationship. I think people here are fearful of giving others false hope. Too many times we see an thread where 8 responses are not what the OP was hoping to read, but ONE of those responses is and that is the response the OP seizes on. False hope is actually more mean than being "harsh" because the crash down to reality is much further.

    Anyway, I do know of and believe in happy endings. I absolutely love to see a good, happy and satisfying relationship (marriage or otherwise). One of my kids is currently in one (newly married!) and they are very happy.

    My cousin also has a great marriage, and so did other family members. It's wonderful stuff.

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  6. #25
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    @ Bat, I edited my post shortly after I had posted it, and deleted the reference to projecting.

    I realized that was uncalled for, that you were not projecting, my apologies.

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    I think this is the flip side of the same coin. Choosing to project the way we want things to be or the way we want others to perceive them rather than what is reality.

    And of course there's no reason to conclude anything other than your friend is content and satisfied with her relationship. I think people here are fearful of giving others false hope. Too many times we see an thread where 8 responses are not what the OP was hoping to read, but ONE of those responses is and that is the response the OP seizes on. False hope is actually more mean than being "harsh" because the crash down to reality is much further.

    Anyway, I do know of and believe in happy endings. I absolutely love to see a good, happy and satisfying relationship (marriage or otherwise). One of my kids is currently in one (newly married!) and they are very happy.

    My cousin also has a great marriage, and so did other family members. It's wonderful stuff.
    Thanks Bolt, and LHG posted two inspiring stories as well.

    I realize there are many broken hearted people on this forum and I certainly did not wish to make them feel worse or to give anyone false hope.

    Again, I just thought it was a sweet story and I take back what I said earlier about it not having relevance to my relationship.

    Since I am quite ambivalent about marriage, when my friend shared her story about the e-card, it brought a smile to my face, not only about that but remembering how she and her husband 'came to be' and it gave me encouragement with respect to my own relationship.

    Not with respect to marriage, that is not an issue for us currently, but about acceptance, trust and love.

    I didn't mean to cause such a stir or offend anyone's sensibilities and apologies if I did.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Here's an inspiring marriage story—but from a slightly different angle—that I've always liked.

    I know a woman who fell in love hard when she was young, got married a year later, had a kid shortly after. Very smart, very driven woman, who dreamed of running her own business. Her husband was a bit more wayward, but they built a pretty cool world together—at least until he hit the skids, hard, five years into their marriage. Did a lot of drugs, putting all their money up his nose and then some. She was in a bind. She was in love, believed in marriage, and is about the most commitment-minded human you'll ever meet: when she says she'll do something, she does it.

    But the kid. Could she be a committed mother and wife without compromising her spirit, under the circumstances? She decided no, divorced her husband. Heartbreaking stuff. Agonizing choice. But she made it, and worked hard to make a stable, loving household that felt about as inviting as any in the neighborhood. She stayed on great terms with her ex, never badmouthed him in front of her kid, not once. They did family stuff together the three of them, Christmas ornaments, laughter, etc. Maybe it didn't look conventional, but it felt it. Some of the kid's friends would come over because the house was a lot more loving and welcoming than their own, with unhappily married parents.

    Eventually the ex bounced for good—just vanished from her and her child's life, as she expected he one day might—which was shattering. But she'd built a world that could handle that. Her kid was okay, grew up with a whimsical, optimistic nature.

    She dates here and there, but she kind of learned through marriage that she's really happy alone. Cool friends, runs that company of her own. She's in her late 60s now, but often gets mistaken for being 20 years younger. Lots of verve and energy. Buoyant spirt. Talk to her a bit—she's fun to talk to—and she speaks about her marriage with warmth, not as something that "failed" but as something that succeeded wildly and beautifully, just in ways she couldn't imagine when she was younger or in ways they make cards to celebrate.

    Anyhow, I'm biased in finding that one just as happy as any other. That's my mom.

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by Fudgie
    I believe what you said about your friend, about her just wanting the commitment and not the marriage. If you guys are close, then yeah, you have a good understanding of her own motivations in a way that we don't and I accept that.

    However, that said, I think your friend's experience is not the norm and is the exception to the rule. Her priority being commitment and not marriage is also exception to the rule.
    Fair enough Fudgie.

    I actually share my friend's view about that, which is why I advised her as I did. My priority being commitment, not necessarily marriage. I have posted many times about it, so many know my views about that already.

    Am I an exception to the rule? Yeah probably.

    And to reiterate to those who perhaps haven't read every post, her main reason for wanting marriage back then was because of the pressure she felt from first her family and second, society in general.

    Once she decided the hell with that, and chose to be true to herself, she realized what was most important was the commitment, the trust and the love they shared.

    Which is exactly how I feel. Not to say I am opposed to marriage, I am not. Ambivalent? Yes I will own that. Long story, goes way back to my parents' atrocious marriage, among other things.

    That said, I was engaged to my ex, and we were in the midst of planning a beautiful wedding in Hawaii and were both very excited about it. Until I discovered he was a serious drug addict, had been for most of our relationship, and ended it.

    Marriage is just not a big priority for me, again it's the commitment which for me comes from the heart anyway. I know it comes from the heart for those who choose to be married too, I just don't "need" marriage to be truly happy.

    Neither did she, but now that she is, both she and her husband are very happy!

  10. #29
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    Something I learned while being on this forum is how for some people, marriage is a life goal. Same with bearing children.
    I have never had these things as goals. I'm not anti marriage, nor anti having kids, in fact I take these very seriously. But to me it wasn't ever a goal to reach. The goal for me was different.

    I think that distinction can make a world of difference in how one approaches these things. And whether someone may see it as giving up something or not.

    That's mostly what I thought about reading this story.

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by itsallgrand
    Something I learned while being on this forum is how for some people, marriage is a life goal. Same with bearing children.

    I have never had these things as goals. I'm not anti marriage, nor anti having kids, in fact I take these very seriously. But to me it wasn't ever a goal to reach. The goal for me was different.

    I think that distinction can make a world of difference in how one approaches these things. And whether someone may see it as giving up something or not.

    That's mostly what I thought about reading this story.
    Thanks for chiming in grand. Re the bolded, this is exactly how I feel too.

    I also agree with the rest of your post, spot on imo.

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