Unsure about the future with my boyfriend

[Jaki987]

Hello, my boyfriend and I have been together for 1 1/2 years now and have been living together for most of this time. We have both met one anothers families and we all got along quite well. Recently, however, my boyfriend has been pushing the idea of getting married, planning for the future (and on occasion introducing me as his fiancee) and I don't know how to feel about it. I like him and he is very sweet, caring, positive, optimistic, determined, creative and strong-willed. He is very considerate and takes my opion into consideration (most of the time, sometimes he makes decisions without me and only tells me about them after). The more we talk about the future though, the more I realize we want different things and have different values. We also have our issues as we've changed for one another and made compromises but he's also lied on certain occasions and will sometimes to revert to his bad habits when we fight. We've also both stoped spending as much time with our friends to spend more time with one another and because we don't get along with one another's friends group. I have begun to wonder if the relationship would work in the future since we are so different and seem to want different things. We also have quite different education levels, he's 28 and is just now graduating with a general degree, and I'm scared that that will make it hard for him to find a job and stay in the country (he recently switched from a student visa to a working visa) and I'm 21 and will be graduating in a few months with a Bachelor's Degree and might study abroad to complete a graduate degree. I've been having a hard time explaining why I'm still in a relationship with my boyfriend to my friends, not being able to find any specific reason why I'm with him over someone else. All of this mixed with my anxiety, depression and tendency to overthink things, along with the pressure to consider marriage, has made me question the relationship and I'm wondering if I'm just overthinking things and getting overly worked up etc.?
So, I've been wondering what to do, if anyone's had a similar situation and what you did about it or if anyone has any advice?
Thank you!

[MissCanuck]

Many questions to get some context before I give further thoughts:

What sorts of changes have you both made for each other, and what has he lied about?

What do you mean when you say he reverts back to his old habits when you fight?

Why don't you get along with each other's friends?

[Cherylyn]

It's a red flag since he sometimes makes decisions without you and only tells you about them later.

You should never feel pressured to get married. I'm married and I didn't feel pressured. Both my husband and I wanted to get married. This is the difference. Both of us were on the same page and you and your boyfriend are definitely NOT on the same page! Also, we were ready. Our education was finished, our jobs were set, we were financially stable, the future looked bright and we're in lockstep. My husband is a very honorable, decent human being, respectful and conscientious man. Therefore, it was a no-brainer to marry him.

You and your boyfriend have far too many differences. No, you're not over thinking nor getting overly worked up. You're thinking intelligently and listening to your gut instincts and intuition. Plus, you're very aware of the facts which are telling you that you and your boyfriend will not have a harmonious marriage and future together.

Tell your boyfriend the truth. Be completely honest with him. Tell him what your wrote. Tell him in person; not via text, email, messenger nor voicemail. In person is best. Make sure your in depth conversation with him is quite thorough minus all distractions. Make sure you have his undivided attention.

Tell him that he shouldn't introduce you as his fiancee because you're not engaged to marry him and he is being presumptuous. Tell him about your different values, he has lied to you which makes it difficult for you to trust him, reverts to his bad habits, both of you fight, don't get along with one anothers friends group, want different things, at 21 you're graduating in a few months (congratulations!), might study abroad to complete a graduate degree, he is 28, has just now graduated with a general degree, will have difficulty attaining gainful employment and stay in the country. This is a very long list of negatives.

Don't marry him because it goes against your better judgment. Be wise. Think of your future. Use your brain because it's always right. My advice would be to use common sense.

[Billie28]

You said you like him but you didn’t say you love him. Do you?
Why did you move in together before getting to know each other?
And what in your opinion are his “bad ways”?

[boltnrun]

What made you decide to live together immediately?

Please don't marry him out of guilt or obligation. All you'd get out of that is a short, unhappy marriage and then a divorce. Only marry when you truly want to, not because someone else wants you to.

BTW, is he still smoking pot and cigarettes?

[Wiseman2]

Don't enter a sham marriage for the sake of a visa and hanging onto him. It appears you are incompatible on many levels. Rethink things and take time to reflect on what you want.

-my boyfriend has been pushing the idea of getting married

-I'm scared that that will make it hard for him to find a job and stay in the country (he recently switched from a student visa to a working visa)

[ThatwasThen]

I think you should answer your friends questions (but just to yourself) as to why you are still with him. I see no reason that you should since you are so incompatible, you are not wanting to spend the rest of your life with him, you moved in with him far too soon into your relationship (was that for financial reasons?) and you don't even appear to love him.

So: What DOES keep you there with him?

[Andrina]

the more I realize we want different things and have different values.

These are major things that should be a dealbreaker for you. The same life goals and similar values should be must-haves for a longterm, successful relationship. No matter his good traits, if you move on with him, you're settling. And you don't NEED any man in your life right now, just because you're used to having a bf and many of your friends do. Do your graduate work free from distractions. You have plenty of time in the future to venture into a new romance when the time is right.

[Rose Mosse]

I think there are quite a few trust issues in the relationship. That you refer to liking him rather than loving him is in itself a bit telling that you shouldn't be settling or marrying this person. He's just not the man for you. I'm unsure where you see yourselves differ on the educational level. You both haven't graduated from your first degrees yet - why so quick to judge? You haven't even confirmed your grad school either. Is it the age difference that makes you judge him more harshly for where he is in his life? While I think you're entitled to do that regardless, that kind of attitude isn't going to help in a relationship (where you're looking down on one person because of xyz reasons). I think you're insecure about your position and your ability to support yourself or succeed in your chosen path and this is causing you to be a little less generous or understanding regarding his chosen path.

If you feel that you are not sharing equal weight in the relationship and one person isn't taking enough responsibility in other areas, I think you should be truthful with yourself also.

Try not to go into your marriage half-heartedly.

[Jaki987]

The main changes he made was that he quite smoking, which is what he lied about during the first few months (although this hasn’t been an issue in the past year) and my main reason to distrust him. He has also reduced the amount of THC he takes. I have also given up socially drinking and cut ties with some of my friends for him. We don’t get along with each other’s friends because most of his friends have drug/alcohol issues or smoke and my friends disapprove of him and find his lifestyle and personality too different (they also have issues with the age difference). When we fight (although we haven’t fought in the past year) the first thing he does is go out and get a smoke. I have talked to him about this and told him how I don’t like it when he does that and that I would rather he talks to me. Also, when I first found out he smoked I told him I didn’t like it although I didn’t want to force him to quit (but that if he wanted to smoke he should consider dating someone else).