Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 6 of 7 FirstFirst ... 34567 LastLast
Results 51 to 60 of 61

Thread: She is job hopping, and it worries me

  1. #51
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    23,669
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by focus4000
    It's just hit a point now where I've stopped feeling like I'm being patient and more willing to try something different, and it's no longer something I'm capable of dealing with

    Don't want it to get to the blow up point of me being fed up and calling it a day. Would rather get in front of it to minimize any unnecessary drama (since her sensitivity makes me very averse to dragging any situation like this out, since it'll only snowball from there)
    Its already at that boiling point. She has no ability to be self-reflecting or introspective. you are finding out she is not a suitable future wife for you. Some people get fired despite them giving a job their all - they take constructive criticism and figure out what kind of job is a better fit, etc.and end up not being fired again - they leave a job when they are offered one that is a step up instead with proper notice. I would not wait until a big knock down argument happens - i would decide that you deserve a better match

  2. #52
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    11,238
    I still don't understand how you plan to "get in front of it". By telling her what she should do? By warning her of consequences? By giving her unsolicited advice?

    Those are all parenting tactics. Unless you mean some other method.

  3. #53
    Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Posts
    71
    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    I still don't understand how you plan to "get in front of it". By telling her what she should do? By warning her of consequences? By giving her unsolicited advice?

    Those are all parenting tactics. Unless you mean some other method.
    Realistically, i feel like I should make an ultimatum, but I know better and should just call it a day

  4. #54
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    2,383
    Gender
    Male
    Ultimatums have never—or very, very rarely—saved a relationship. Because odds are you're basically asking someone to be someone they're not, or at least not yet, and perhaps not ever, and to be that person now. Or else...

    There's nothing to "get in front of" here, because you're already in it, as abitbroken succinctly pointed out. This is who she is. Right now. With you. If you want to make the basis of the relationship coaxing her to be someone else—well, that's an option. You can make that choice. But just know that's what you're doing, as your language in recent posts points toward.

    I feel for you. Been in your shoes, as mentioned. What I'll say—and what you already know—is that life is hard and just gets harder. At this stage your girlfriend is showing a near-total inability to accept that, and deal with that.

    This stuff? It's entry level, the tip of the iceberg in terms of what life will throw at you. It's working, paying rent. Adulthood 101. Wait till the real stuff hammers down—the stuff where you'll really need a partner next to you who can wield a sword as deftly as you can, because you're too leveled to keep trying to train another how to cope.

    Stuff to think about, for real.

  5.  

  6. #55
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    33,240
    Gender
    Male
    Ok, stop giving her advice then. You are acting parental, contradicting yourself and blaming her. This is so simple. Do Not Move In Together. Stop being her job coach and financial adviser. Just stop. Problem solved. Stop trying to fix and change her into your needs. Stop fault finding to avoid real issues. Just end it then.
    Originally Posted by focus4000
    got in my nerves a good bit where I ended up telling her that she needs to.......

    what she needs from herself rather than constantly coming to me for solutions and stuff.......

  7. #56
    Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Posts
    71
    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Ok, stop giving her advice then. You are acting parental, contradicting yourself and blaming her. This is so simple. Do Not Move In Together. Stop being her job coach and financial adviser. Just stop. Problem solved. Stop trying to fix and change her into your needs. Stop fault finding to avoid real issues. Just end it then.
    You guys are right. I appreciate the bluntness

  8. #57
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    2,383
    Gender
    Male
    Another way to think about this.

    Imagine if your partner was describing you like this, or even thinking of you in these terms: as a kind of half-formed person who can't quite function in the world. Imagine if your partner was trying, in ways direct and indirect, to train and teach you. Imagine if your partner thought you were "okay" as you currently exist, but would be really, really great if you were a bit more x, a bit more y. Then she could take you seriously...

    Odds are you'd feel condescended to, kind of icky. Odds are you wouldn't want to be with that person.

    That's not to say your concerns aren't valid, but to kind of point out the problem in dating potential. Your partner becomes a project. No one wants to be a project. It's why parent/teacher relationships tend to have a shelf-life, an expiration date. Either the "child" grows up, grows those wings and wants to fly, or the "parent" becomes frustrated by the lack of growth, because their emotional investment isn't connected to appreciating the partner as he/she is, but in getting a reward for their lessons, their support.

  9. #58
    Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Posts
    71
    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Another way to think about this.

    Imagine if your partner was describing you like this, or even thinking of you in these terms: as a kind of half-formed person who can't quite function in the world. Imagine if your partner was trying, in ways direct and indirect, to train and teach you. Imagine if your partner thought you were "okay" as you currently exist, but would be really, really great if you were a bit more x, a bit more y. Then she could take you seriously...

    Odds are you'd feel condescended to, kind of icky. Odds are you wouldn't want to be with that person.

    That's not to say your concerns aren't valid, but to kind of point out the problem in dating potential. Your partner becomes a project. No one wants to be a project. It's why parent/teacher relationships tend to have a shelf-life, an expiration date. Either the "child" grows up, grows those wings and wants to fly, or the "parent" becomes frustrated by the lack of growth, because their emotional investment isn't connected to appreciating the partner as he/she is, but in getting a reward for their lessons, their support.
    Very true. I made it a point to look at it in the sense of appreciating her for who she is, but as this kept reccuring, I guess I've lost sight of thay

  10. #59
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    23,669
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by focus4000
    Very true. I made it a point to look at it in the sense of appreciating her for who she is, but as this kept reccuring, I guess I've lost sight of thay
    But if "who she is" does not have the qualities you need in a future wife ---then there is that. How much more will you endure? If you move in with her you will 100% be financially supporting her and also dealing with her denial and deflection about every other topic. what about her - besides sex, makes you compatible?? You can appreciate who someone is when they are the right someone. WHen you have to force yourself to find it in someone, why bother? She is not your classmate or lab partner -

  11. #60
    Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Posts
    71
    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Another way to think about this.

    Imagine if your partner was describing you like this, or even thinking of you in these terms: as a kind of half-formed person who can't quite function in the world. Imagine if your partner was trying, in ways direct and indirect, to train and teach you. Imagine if your partner thought you were "okay" as you currently exist, but would be really, really great if you were a bit more x, a bit more y. Then she could take you seriously...

    Odds are you'd feel condescended to, kind of icky. Odds are you wouldn't want to be with that person.

    That's not to say your concerns aren't valid, but to kind of point out the problem in dating potential. Your partner becomes a project. No one wants to be a project. It's why parent/teacher relationships tend to have a shelf-life, an expiration date. Either the "child" grows up, grows those wings and wants to fly, or the "parent" becomes frustrated by the lack of growth, because their emotional investment isn't connected to appreciating the partner as he/she is, but in getting a reward for their lessons, their support.
    I really like this response after re-reading it. I realize it's kinda calling me out on some of my own BS

Page 6 of 7 FirstFirst ... 34567 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •