She is job hopping, and it worries me

[focus4000]

Sorry but your gf sounds like a very typical budding narcissist. Highly charismatic when she wants something and capable of charming people into getting it - be it dating you or getting yet another job. At the same time, a perpetual victim, misunderstood, everyone else is the problem, thin skinned and incapable of accepting any criticism, let alone constructive feedback. Everything is a slight against her hyper fragile ego. No doubt, you OP, are highly empathetic and supportive - a perfect mark for her, a a sucker as they say. You feel sorry for her, you feel bad, you hug her and tell her you'll be there for her, it will all be OK.

Dude - run like heck and whatever you do, do not move in with her. Your common sense and instincts are screaming at you for a reason. Sorry but at 24, most people her age are perfectly capable of holding down a job and paying their bills solo. They aren't looking for a sucker to support them while they "figure out who they want to be when they grow up", aka "I looove you baby, why don't we move in together, it will be soooo wonderful and we can do this and that and....you are just the best and my total soulmate and gosh...I just don't know how I could be so lucky to have found such an amazing guy. I'm sooo in love with you." Sorry to burst your bubble that isn't love, it's manipulation.

I find it funny that you see that, since I don't see her as charismatic by any sense of the word lmao She damn well knows she can't sucker me into anything I don't want to do. With the victim aspect and all that though, I do see it. I've asked her what roles she has played in her negative circumstances, and she never fully owns up to her part in the situations she has found herself in. She was in a super abusive relationship before I met her, so I can see her "flaws" from that, but do my best to remind her I'm not them, and that if she projects it upon me, I will have none of it (unless I actually am being a piece of crap, but I know for certain I haven't done anything ty within our relationship, since I made it a point to myself to be cognizant of me reactions to things, and step away if I find myself hitting a point where I'm not comfortable with how I would respond)

She says that last line, or stuff like it all the time, and gets weirded out when I don't reciprocate. But I explain to her that I'm not one for ultra bubbly and deliberately overaffectionat phrases since the chick before her was all about it, and THAT GIRL was full blown narcissist. Had me on my ass for a good long minute, but I learned alot, and it's caused rifts for this one, but she knows I will have none of it, and that if she expects it from me, she won't really get it. Alrtuism is far more important that romanticized love that only happens in disney movies and sex fiction novels

[focus4000]

"Rough patches," while inevitable, certainly shouldn't serve as the foundation. You're right to be resistant.

Easiest solution? Stick to your guns. Don't put yourself in a position to rely on her puling her weight. It's a recipe for resentment. Let her figure things out at her own effort and pace. It's either worth it for you to stick it out or it's not. As mentioned earlier, you're inching ever closer to a parenting role, which is as much unnecessary stress on you as it is simply an unhealthy relationship dynamic. If you think she's worth spending another year or so with and seeing if she'll professionally mature while you look after yourself and your own development and financial responsibilities in the meantime, then go for it. But it's only going to work if you take a hands-off approach and trust her to do her thing. Conversely, she's gotta handle that trust and her responsibility to do her thing without constantly offloading her job woes onto you. If any or all of this isn't looking likely, I'm sorry to say you've most likely hit an impasse.

I agree, and any instant I feel like I'm "raising" her, or like teaching her how to live her life, I back up super hard and let her know I'll do my best to help her without being a therapist or care taker. She responds to that surprisingly well, since I feel like crap every time I say it lol But I know that I'm not with her to make her into something she isn't, but to see who she becomes and hope that it pans out well for the both of us while I develop myself

I come her since I'm at the point where I find myself asking the thought you poised: " If you think she's worth spending another year or so with and seeing if she'll professionally mature while you look after yourself and your own development and financial responsibilities in the meantime, then go for it. "

I'm not really sure tbh

[focus4000]

I think you're being VERY smart for not letting her talk you into moving in together. Her instability and inability to take criticism are huge stumbling blocks.

You're working on the future. Why doesn't she get some kind of training for a job she might like?

She wants to get into HR, and is discussing taking certification classes. But..... Oddly enough, she is already in an HR role and not doing so hot...... So it's like, do you actually want to do it, or just like the sound of doing it? Know what I mean?

[focus4000]

She doesn't really get that way when she asks me for my thoughts. From time to time she will ask why I'm not blindly siding with her, and I tell her like it is. I'm not an omniscent being who can judge her situation.

When it comes to the relationship, we discuss pretty calmly our issues, and it resolves itself pretty quick when it comes up. It's just when it repeats that I get frustrated, and THAT is when I feel like I'm pushing the boundaries of the parenting role, which has brought me here in line with my other concerns.

[focus4000]

I appreciate all of you responses though everyone :)

It's helpful, and makes me not feel like an for wondering what I should do with this rather than be blindly optimistic lmao

Not something I normally do, but the urge to not judge in this situation could easily cause that to happen :P

[Wiseman2]

Agree. Does she live with her parents? There is no hurry to move in together until both of you have steady stable jobs, financial savvy, decent credit as well as operating on an affordable budget including living costs and phone, car etc etc etc.

Let her live on her own first and she will quickly see how you just can't quit 'whenever' when rent and bills are due. She sounds quite immature. However do not put yourself in this parental role and tell her how/when to work etc. Parent/child relationships breed resentment and kill the romance. Don't go there.

[Rose Mosse]

People who demand loyalty often don't deserve it. If she's feeling the need to emphasize that you need to be on her side more often, it just means that you're often not on her side and you should trust your instincts. I feel like you're afraid to judge for some reason and this is the one thing stopping you from making better decisions when it comes to partners. We judge each other and I don't think it should be stigmatized or shied away from. We avoid problems by understanding and judging. We problem-solve by first assessing and judging what the issue is. There's nothing wrong with being optimistic but fear of judging what's right for you will always lead you down a troublesome path.

[bluecastle]

You sound like a really good guy. Whether she's on your level, shares your values—well, time will tell and it's up to you to determine how much time you want to take.

I was in a version of these shoes in my last relationship. She was younger than me—I was 35, she was 23, when we met—and for a good long time (read: too long) I worked under the assumption that some of her wayward habits (almost identical to your girlfriend's) were things that would dissipate. She talked a lot about wanting x and y—variables I valued, and lived by—which I took as a "positive" sign, her stepping in the right direction.

Alas, no. Like you, I tried very hard to avoid any whiff of a parent/teacher dynamic. But here's the catch: if you have to even try hard to avoid that, odds are it means you're already in it. It means your relationship is, in part, predicated on seeing if your partner can "grow up" so, you know, you can be in relationship. That works for some people, in a number of ways, another classic archetype being the woman waiting for the man to "grow up" and be ready for marriage, family. But more often than not it's a weird dynamic, one that hinders growth on both sides more than promoting it.

It all comes down to how much you believe in the idea of dating potential, and being honest that there is a difference between committing to potential vs. actual. I've tried the potential thing. Had some great times, some real feelings. But it didn't work and changed my focus a bit. Probably in the past there were things I enjoyed in playing the "lead" role—insecurities at work, that I took some years to untangle—whereas today I really enjoy being with someone where there is no concern about whether she'll learn how to be an adult by my standards of adulthood because she'd gotten there on her own, long before I entered her life. Without the worry of whether she'll be able to hold down a job or pay an electric bill, there's a lot of room freed up in my head and heart to just surrender to the connection and where it'll go.

[Hollyj]

I don't think this is about her age. I'm more than twice your age, OP, and I see a ton of people in their early 20's in my company who not only stay through the tough times, but work even harder to excel. Heck, it motivates me harder to keep up with 'em!

What you have here is an insecure little girl who can't handle the slightest criticism. Something tells me she's from the "everybody gets a trophy" club. There there, all will be fine, you're perfect, you're so wonderful. Well, life doesn't work like that, and bosses can suck, and work can be demanding, and projects have to be redone.

Don't move in with her. Give it another 6 months to a year to decide if this is even the right relationship for you, and move on if necessary.

I agree with this.

How long has she been looking in her field ?

[WithLove]

Hi OP,

Thought I'd pipe in because I'm your girlfriend in this scenario.

While I don't have as many short-term jobs as she does, I have failed at multiple ones. I've gotten fired twice and quit one in the last 4 years or so. The first one I was with for 2 years and loved it, but I was caught telling a story on social media about a patient (I worked in healthcare) and although I didn't list any names, the fact that I mentioned a patient was cause enough for termination. I was deeply embarrassed and honestly I'm still not over it. The other jobs I mentioned, the one I quit was just a racist and sexist environment (it honestly was) and the last one I was fired from was my fault. I made a lot of mistakes and became too much a liability.


If I had to guess, your girlfriend passes off her terminations and quittings as less dramatic than they really are because she's embarrassed, ashamed, and knows that you disapprove. It happened to me, too, and I'm still kind of shaken to my core, especially because I'm on my last warning at my current job. I've made a lot of mistakes in my 20s, made excuses for myself and pretending I wasn't the reason for all these issues, but the reality is that I am the reason I lost those jobs.

Try to imagine how she likely feels - we're conditioned to understand that staying with one job for as long as possible is the best thing, because you can move up, get promotions, and have the stability of one job. And now she's lost, like, 5 of them in a year's time. She has to continually start over. She feels no safety at any job because she knows that termination is probably around the corner of each one, and not only that, now she knows that her boyfriend isn't okay with this instability.

Again, I'm not making excuses for her, or me. I'm getting my act together (you can go check out my thread on it if you want). I hate that I've failed so much. I hate not being stable. I hate having enough issues that it feeds into my work. I want to be better. But it sounds like for right now, your girlfriend isn't or at least isn't wanting to take responsibility for her shortcomings, and she's the only person that can do that.