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She is job hopping, and it worries me


focus4000

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Hey all, been a while since I've been on here, but I find myself in a new spot:

 

I've been with my girlfriend (24) for 1 year and 3 months. When we first started dating, she had a meh job at a bookstore on a college campus.

After a couple months of being together, she found herself a job at a law firm which she was really excited about.

 

She worked there for about 4 months before quitting due to discussing the feedback she would get from her equals and boss being abusive. The way she discussed things made it seem like they were just jerks who couldn't own up to their own mistakes, and took it out on her.

 

She left that job and worked a bar tending gig for another 4 months while finding another job at a construction place as office personnel.

 

She loved her job there, but saw it as a dead end since it was a corporate company dissolving, and all branches becoming private. She felt the lack of a corporate ladder would be a hindrance. So while she was working, she would job search on the clock...

After finding her current gig, she left her bar tending gig, and submitted her 2 weeks to the construction place.

She was caught job searching at that place, so that bridge has been burnt.

 

She opted to take another job at the mall I work at, in a different store. But quit that because she didn't want to work that much (totally understood, but wasn't a fan of her just quitting)

 

She's been with this new job for about 3 months, and it's similar to the law firm, similar complaints. But the issue here is that we have friends who work the same company, and their perspectives of the job are WILDLY different. So her selling it as some toxic environment where she is just bullied is tough to accept. This time it's even more difficult since she is now on a PDP after making copious amounts of mistakes. So when consoling her, I do my best to hear her perspective, but am having a difficult time confronting her view/influence on the circumstances she is being handed.

 

She has opted to be distant to anyone who has given her any form of criticism that isn't positive..... And the fact that she can't realy argue she is doing what she should sounds far too similar to what happened at the law firm.

 

 

 

All of this info aside, my concern boils down to this: I have confronted her by stating that she should focus more on what she can do to make the circumstances she lives within better, but not just count losses due to her first real doses of feedback from her new job. Also not assuming everyone hates her just because they are paid to be in charge and give her feedback/acknowledge their mistakes. I also haven't denied any possibility of a toxic environment, but stressed that I don't work there, so I have no true objective perspective on what she is dealing with from the other side.

 

 

This puts my thoughts of her stressing moving in together, and myself working on getting promoted/finding a higher paying gig after just graduating. I make enough to live minimally while paying my debts off, but when I mention the fact that we shouldn't push for moving in together just because it's sought after, but wait until we are both in a decent place; she just brings up the possibility of rough patches in the future.

I don't disagree with that, but I also would rather prepare than just hope for the best, and only make the move when we both are ready and able

 

 

 

I apologize if this isn't the clearest of statements/posts, I'm still sorting out these thoughts. Any input/discussion would be greatly appreciated!

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reinventmyself: That's exactly what I'm saying.

 

With this one, I suggested she commit to any struggle she faces and learn to adapt some more.

 

She worked in a cafe as a barista for a good long time, then a deli before that

 

 

She's trying to utilize her BA in public relations/communication, and it's not serving her well :/

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Clio: I honestly have no intent unless there is something more resemblance of stability.

 

I haven't hit the point of "we are done since this worries me too much", but the fact that I have my own student loans to worry about, I have no intent of adding to the struggle of my own responsibilities by worrying if I'll have to flip the bills for us to maintain a relationship

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Tap the brakes on the relationship. Do not move in together. She is not stable yet. It can take awhile to land on your feet in non-tech careers. However, if she wants to use her degree she is not going about it correctly.

 

BUT it is not your job to gatekeep her career moves. It is on her.

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How old are you, if I may ask?

 

She sounds, well, like a lot of 24-year-olds. Bouncing around, looking for something that sticks, probably being a bit unrealistic and overly idealistic about the whole thing. That's not a bad thing. Some people need to bounce around a lot, either to find something that genuinely sticks, or, more likely, to have a change in mindset—a softening, a broadening—about how the business of being a grownup really goes.

 

I completely understand your frustration, of course. But these aren't really things we can teach somebody. We can only decide if we're with someone who is at a place in life that compliments the place we're in.

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bluecastle: I'm 30, and I fully see your point. I shifted a good bit at that age, but not to the level of frequency that she has. I always made it a staple to stick to a job for at least 1 year (with the exclusion of olive garden, since it was the worst job I have ever worked). Then again, I never received such frequent negative feedback that hindered my ability to do my job as it does with her (she takes it very personally, and she knows it). Hence why it's tough for me to be objective with her

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Well, that kind of explains it.

 

When she's 30 and you're 36 those six years between you will feel a lot narrower than they do right now, and when you're 39 and she's 33—well, that's where you'll feel more like genuine peers in the same stage of life.

 

But, alas, right now she is 24. Different place in life, big time, to say nothing of being a different person than you. So probably best, honestly, to not worry about all this but instead focus on what you like about the age difference—or if, ugh, what you liked about it, say, at the beginning or six months ago isn't as compelling right now as you start to think about bigger things like living together, building a future.

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You're beginning to assume the role of a parent and it's not healthy. It's not healthy to guide her consistently in areas where she should be able to guide herself and it's pushing an enabler's role. The relationship is very imbalanced and full of inconsistencies. Why you're with her is anyone's guess and I would take a closer look (I mean this kindly) at why you're attracted to critically flawed individuals like this on such a personal level. It's not fair to yourself (your health, peace of mind), it's not fair to your family and friends who support you and it's not fair to your own employer or employment which may be affected in the long run because you can't focus and you're too tense to do well in your own professional life.

 

You're waging a very poorly thought out war here and you have a very weak ally. Life is full of painful ups and downs. You should be deciding who you choose with you on your journey and I think you owe it to yourself to choose company that uplifts you and makes you smile more. She really needs to strengthen herself and do some soul searching on what her weaknesses and strengths are. No amount of love is going to help her do that on her own. This is her personal journey. I understand we all go through tough times but I don't think this is just a brief period of difficulty. Her character is showing a lot of flaws and it's ok to believe in someone. It's not ok to allow it to affect you in ways that harm or put you or your other loved ones in danger.

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I don't think this is about her age. I'm more than twice your age, OP, and I see a ton of people in their early 20's in my company who not only stay through the tough times, but work even harder to excel. Heck, it motivates me harder to keep up with 'em!

 

What you have here is an insecure little girl who can't handle the slightest criticism. Something tells me she's from the "everybody gets a trophy" club. There there, all will be fine, you're perfect, you're so wonderful. Well, life doesn't work like that, and bosses can suck, and work can be demanding, and projects have to be redone.

 

Don't move in with her. Give it another 6 months to a year to decide if this is even the right relationship for you, and move on if necessary.

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jimthzz:

 

That's how I view it, and I'm doing my best to be patient. But she's the one pressing for the move in. I tell her every time that we both have bigger fish to fry before we make that a priority. She doesn't see it that way....

 

She doesn't have to see it that way, so rather than try to covert her to your way of thinking, I'd just put the brakes on and stand your ground. She doesn't need to 'like' it, but if she starts to argue about it, you can decide whether that headache is worth your while to continue engaging.

 

I'd avoid pretzeling yourself to cater to her self indulgence. While you don't need to play therapist or career counselor, you don't need to put up with any crossover of bad behavior into YOUR life, either. It won't do her any favors.

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You didn't answer this ^^

 

Yes, I am curious too - how does she handle other non-work related constructive criticism? I definitely wouldn't move in with her yet unless you are ok with paying 100% of rent and expenses while she is between jobs.

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You didn't answer this ^^

 

 

Sorry, I overlooked that question

 

Somewhat yes. She had an old roommate who would discuss this topic with her, and she would constantly get defensive to a point where they would get into arguements.

 

Not about job hopping, since that was when she was at the cafe for a few years, but finding a more "adult job" that will help her sustain herself

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You're beginning to assume the role of a parent and it's not healthy. It's not healthy to guide her consistently in areas where she should be able to guide herself and it's pushing an enabler's role. The relationship is very imbalanced and full of inconsistencies. Why you're with her is anyone's guess and I would take a closer look (I mean this kindly) at why you're attracted to critically flawed individuals like this on such a personal level. It's not fair to yourself (your health, peace of mind), it's not fair to your family and friends who support you and it's not fair to your own employer or employment which may be affected in the long run because you can't focus and you're too tense to do well in your own professional life.

 

You're waging a very poorly thought out war here and you have a very weak ally. Life is full of painful ups and downs. You should be deciding who you choose with you on your journey and I think you owe it to yourself to choose company that uplifts you and makes you smile more. She really needs to strengthen herself and do some soul searching on what her weaknesses and strengths are. No amount of love is going to help her do that on her own. This is her personal journey. I understand we all go through tough times but I don't think this is just a brief period of difficulty. Her character is showing a lot of flaws and it's ok to believe in someone. It's not ok to allow it to affect you in ways that harm or put you or your other loved ones in danger.

 

It's feeling like I'm reaching the point where it will have an impact. When I talk about my job stress, she just paints the same picture of what she deals with, and when I tell her it's not me being bullied, and being fed feedback to help me improve, she gets super confused about how to respond and stuff. It's weird

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Sorry, I overlooked that question

 

Somewhat yes. She had an old roommate who would discuss this topic with her, and she would constantly get defensive to a point where they would get into arguements.

 

Not about job hopping, since that was when she was at the cafe for a few years, but finding a more "adult job" that will help her sustain herself

 

So her being indecisive is just limited to her employment?

You'd say everything else is pretty normal?

 

Even if it is just her employment, living with someone is very much like taking on a business partner. If you weren't romantically linked with her, would you want to go into business with her based on your experience so far?

 

All in all, I would but the move on a back burner until you know better. I'd tell why too. It might motivate her to get her stuff in order.

You'll know soon enough if it's possible.

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It's feeling like I'm reaching the point where it will have an impact. When I talk about my job stress, she just paints the same picture of what she deals with, and when I tell her it's not me being bullied, and being fed feedback to help me improve, she gets super confused about how to respond and stuff. It's weird

 

So it sounds like she is just really defensive, and when you get feedback, you take it as instructions on how to improve, and she takes it as a personal attack? Maybe part of it can just be her age, I remember when I was younger, it felt like the boss was the "bad guy" or "on a different side" or something like that - kind of immaturity on my part. At least now, in my last 2 jobs, I feel like my boss is "on my team" and if he makes suggestions, it's to help me improve and move our company towards a common goal, not to be a pain in the butt.

 

I don't know what this means for you long term - if this is something that she outgrows or if she is always a defensive person and not really open to hearing constructive criticism. I feel like that would be hard to live with a partner who isn't willing to accept a valid criticism or try to grow.

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"Rough patches," while inevitable, certainly shouldn't serve as the foundation. You're right to be resistant.

 

Easiest solution? Stick to your guns. Don't put yourself in a position to rely on her puling her weight. It's a recipe for resentment. Let her figure things out at her own effort and pace. It's either worth it for you to stick it out or it's not. As mentioned earlier, you're inching ever closer to a parenting role, which is as much unnecessary stress on you as it is simply an unhealthy relationship dynamic. If you think she's worth spending another year or so with and seeing if she'll professionally mature while you look after yourself and your own development and financial responsibilities in the meantime, then go for it. But it's only going to work if you take a hands-off approach and trust her to do her thing. Conversely, she's gotta handle that trust and her responsibility to do her thing without constantly offloading her job woes onto you. If any or all of this isn't looking likely, I'm sorry to say you've most likely hit an impasse.

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Oof, this type of issue would be a major turn-off for me. I agree with your rule about spending a minimum of a year working at a job. She seems flaky, unreliable, and a bit immature.

 

That being said, you are handling the situation great. Stick to your guns and don't move in with her until her behavior improves. I wouldn't hold your breath though (considering she is adverse to feedback) and consider what her inability to hold onto a job means for the future.

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Sorry but your gf sounds like a very typical budding narcissist. Highly charismatic when she wants something and capable of charming people into getting it - be it dating you or getting yet another job. At the same time, a perpetual victim, misunderstood, everyone else is the problem, thin skinned and incapable of accepting any criticism, let alone constructive feedback. Everything is a slight against her hyper fragile ego. No doubt, you OP, are highly empathetic and supportive - a perfect mark for her, a a sucker as they say. You feel sorry for her, you feel bad, you hug her and tell her you'll be there for her, it will all be OK.

 

Dude - run like heck and whatever you do, do not move in with her. Your common sense and instincts are screaming at you for a reason. Sorry but at 24, most people her age are perfectly capable of holding down a job and paying their bills solo. They aren't looking for a sucker to support them while they "figure out who they want to be when they grow up", aka "I looove you baby, why don't we move in together, it will be soooo wonderful and we can do this and that and....you are just the best and my total soulmate and gosh...I just don't know how I could be so lucky to have found such an amazing guy. I'm sooo in love with you." Sorry to burst your bubble that isn't love, it's manipulation.

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