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Thread: She is job hopping, and it worries me

  1. #21
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    "Rough patches," while inevitable, certainly shouldn't serve as the foundation. You're right to be resistant.

    Easiest solution? Stick to your guns. Don't put yourself in a position to rely on her puling her weight. It's a recipe for resentment. Let her figure things out at her own effort and pace. It's either worth it for you to stick it out or it's not. As mentioned earlier, you're inching ever closer to a parenting role, which is as much unnecessary stress on you as it is simply an unhealthy relationship dynamic. If you think she's worth spending another year or so with and seeing if she'll professionally mature while you look after yourself and your own development and financial responsibilities in the meantime, then go for it. But it's only going to work if you take a hands-off approach and trust her to do her thing. Conversely, she's gotta handle that trust and her responsibility to do her thing without constantly offloading her job woes onto you. If any or all of this isn't looking likely, I'm sorry to say you've most likely hit an impasse.

  2. #22
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    I think you're being VERY smart for not letting her talk you into moving in together. Her instability and inability to take criticism are huge stumbling blocks.

    You're working on the future. Why doesn't she get some kind of training for a job she might like?

  3. #23
    Platinum Member SGH's Avatar
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    Oof, this type of issue would be a major turn-off for me. I agree with your rule about spending a minimum of a year working at a job. She seems flaky, unreliable, and a bit immature.

    That being said, you are handling the situation great. Stick to your guns and don't move in with her until her behavior improves. I wouldn't hold your breath though (considering she is adverse to feedback) and consider what her inability to hold onto a job means for the future.

  4. #24
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    For pete's sake, don't move in with her. How is your relationship if she is so deflective and defensive all the time? How can you function when something serious happens? What do you see in her?

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Sorry but your gf sounds like a very typical budding narcissist. Highly charismatic when she wants something and capable of charming people into getting it - be it dating you or getting yet another job. At the same time, a perpetual victim, misunderstood, everyone else is the problem, thin skinned and incapable of accepting any criticism, let alone constructive feedback. Everything is a slight against her hyper fragile ego. No doubt, you OP, are highly empathetic and supportive - a perfect mark for her, a a sucker as they say. You feel sorry for her, you feel bad, you hug her and tell her you'll be there for her, it will all be OK.

    Dude - run like heck and whatever you do, do not move in with her. Your common sense and instincts are screaming at you for a reason. Sorry but at 24, most people her age are perfectly capable of holding down a job and paying their bills solo. They aren't looking for a sucker to support them while they "figure out who they want to be when they grow up", aka "I looove you baby, why don't we move in together, it will be soooo wonderful and we can do this and that and....you are just the best and my total soulmate and gosh...I just don't know how I could be so lucky to have found such an amazing guy. I'm sooo in love with you." Sorry to burst your bubble that isn't love, it's manipulation.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    From my lifelong observations of myself and people I know, just as most often a person's moral compass usually stays the same throughout one's lifetime, so does a person's work ethic maintain a steady course, whether it sucks or it's good.

    It's usually better to take a "what you see is what you get" mindset instead of a "hope for the best" when considering who to choose as a lifelong partner.

    With my first husband, when we dated, his poor decisions while in a job situation would frustrate me, and he got fired because of nonsense. I married too young before I had life experience to realize what a dealbreaker his work ethics should have been to me. The arguments about his career and job lasted throughout our 23 year marriage and was regularly a major point of contention.

    With my 2nd husband, he and I both share a high work ethic, and we sometimes talk of the jobs we did when we were young teens and older teens, and it was clear he and I were showing signs of people with high work ethics from even those very youthful years.

    It's up to you if you want to continue to invest time and emotional energy into someone who is showing you who she is right now and it's frustrating you. If you do want to give her a chance to do a 360 within a year's time, that's up to you, but I wouldn't gamble on her changing into the person you want her to be in such a short span. It's usually wiser to be with someone who you don't want to change in a major way.

  8. #27
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    I do know people who had terrible work ethics who turned themselves around.

    Key words...they turned THEMSELVES around. They didn't do it at the request of anyone else, they weren't bullied or coerced or urged or begged to do it. They just decided enough was enough and made the necessary changes.

    Can you wait around to see if she has an epiphany?

    I do advise, as did others, that you do NOT move in together unless you are able and willing to pay 100% of the expenses.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    I do advise, as did others, that you do NOT move in together unless you are able and willing to pay 100% of the expenses.
    Even if you evolve into a financial position that could support 100% of shared expenses, why would you want to? That wouldn't be 'supporting' her, it would be enabling her to avoid learning how to stand on her own two feet. Then when you tire of that, you'll feel trapped with someone who doesn't own the capacity to move out and fend for herself.

    Again, that's not doing her any favors. It's bad parenting, and it's bad partnering.

  10. #29
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    Even if you evolve into a financial place that could support 100% of the expenses, why would you want to? That wouldn't be 'supporting' her, it would be enabling her to avoid learning how to stand on her own two feet. Then when you tire of that, you'll feel trapped with someone who doesn't own the capacity to move out and fend for herself.

    Again, that's not doing her any favors. It's bad parenting, and it's bad partnering.
    I agree. I just don't want the OP to decide to move in, "hoping" she will "change" or choosing to try to believe her if she says she will settle down in a long-term job "soon". Or, she gets that full time job only to quit after the lease is signed.

    I would give her a good six months to a year in the same job before I'd be willing to sign a lease with her. AND, I would not agree to be the only signer.

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    I agree. I just don't want the OP to decide to move in, "hoping" she will "change" or choosing to try to believe her if she says she will settle down in a long-term job "soon". Or, she gets that full time job only to quit after the lease is signed.

    I would give her a good six months to a year in the same job before I'd be willing to sign a lease with her. AND, I would not agree to be the only signer.
    I have no intent on being a person to carry weight like that. Unless I make stupid amounts of money where I wouldn't know what to do with it, I wouldn't do that. And hell, even if I did, still would expect them to pay their own way in most regards lol

    But yeah, she knows my boundaries there, and will push them from time to time (arguement we had where she said "You don't plan on it for another 3 years, huh?", to which I responded "I plan to do so when we are capable of doing so without shooting ourselves in the foot. If we can support ourselves as individuals, what makes us think we can support each other as a couple? I wouldn't wish to be a burden like that in any way, I'd rather focus on getting my together") I refuse to fold on it, since I don't wish to make stupid decisions so for the sake of filling a void for someone

    She gets upset when I make that point, as a I mentioned earlier, and was responded to with what I agree with about rough patches

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