She is job hopping, and it worries me

[Rose Mosse]

You're beginning to assume the role of a parent and it's not healthy. It's not healthy to guide her consistently in areas where she should be able to guide herself and it's pushing an enabler's role. The relationship is very imbalanced and full of inconsistencies. Why you're with her is anyone's guess and I would take a closer look (I mean this kindly) at why you're attracted to critically flawed individuals like this on such a personal level. It's not fair to yourself (your health, peace of mind), it's not fair to your family and friends who support you and it's not fair to your own employer or employment which may be affected in the long run because you can't focus and you're too tense to do well in your own professional life.

You're waging a very poorly thought out war here and you have a very weak ally. Life is full of painful ups and downs. You should be deciding who you choose with you on your journey and I think you owe it to yourself to choose company that uplifts you and makes you smile more. She really needs to strengthen herself and do some soul searching on what her weaknesses and strengths are. No amount of love is going to help her do that on her own. This is her personal journey. I understand we all go through tough times but I don't think this is just a brief period of difficulty. Her character is showing a lot of flaws and it's ok to believe in someone. It's not ok to allow it to affect you in ways that harm or put you or your other loved ones in danger.

[LHGirl]

I don't think this is about her age. I'm more than twice your age, OP, and I see a ton of people in their early 20's in my company who not only stay through the tough times, but work even harder to excel. Heck, it motivates me harder to keep up with 'em!

What you have here is an insecure little girl who can't handle the slightest criticism. Something tells me she's from the "everybody gets a trophy" club. There there, all will be fine, you're perfect, you're so wonderful. Well, life doesn't work like that, and bosses can suck, and work can be demanding, and projects have to be redone.

Don't move in with her. Give it another 6 months to a year to decide if this is even the right relationship for you, and move on if necessary.

[catfeeder]

jimthzz:

That's how I view it, and I'm doing my best to be patient. But she's the one pressing for the move in. I tell her every time that we both have bigger fish to fry before we make that a priority. She doesn't see it that way....

She doesn't have to see it that way, so rather than try to covert her to your way of thinking, I'd just put the brakes on and stand your ground. She doesn't need to 'like' it, but if she starts to argue about it, you can decide whether that headache is worth your while to continue engaging.

I'd avoid pretzeling yourself to cater to her self indulgence. While you don't need to play therapist or career counselor, you don't need to put up with any crossover of bad behavior into YOUR life, either. It won't do her any favors.

[reinventmyself]

Does she do similar things in other areas of her life?

You didn't answer this ^^

[annie24]

You didn't answer this ^^

Yes, I am curious too - how does she handle other non-work related constructive criticism? I definitely wouldn't move in with her yet unless you are ok with paying 100% of rent and expenses while she is between jobs.

[focus4000]

You didn't answer this ^^

Sorry, I overlooked that question

Somewhat yes. She had an old roommate who would discuss this topic with her, and she would constantly get defensive to a point where they would get into arguements.

Not about job hopping, since that was when she was at the cafe for a few years, but finding a more "adult job" that will help her sustain herself

[focus4000]

You're beginning to assume the role of a parent and it's not healthy. It's not healthy to guide her consistently in areas where she should be able to guide herself and it's pushing an enabler's role. The relationship is very imbalanced and full of inconsistencies. Why you're with her is anyone's guess and I would take a closer look (I mean this kindly) at why you're attracted to critically flawed individuals like this on such a personal level. It's not fair to yourself (your health, peace of mind), it's not fair to your family and friends who support you and it's not fair to your own employer or employment which may be affected in the long run because you can't focus and you're too tense to do well in your own professional life.

You're waging a very poorly thought out war here and you have a very weak ally. Life is full of painful ups and downs. You should be deciding who you choose with you on your journey and I think you owe it to yourself to choose company that uplifts you and makes you smile more. She really needs to strengthen herself and do some soul searching on what her weaknesses and strengths are. No amount of love is going to help her do that on her own. This is her personal journey. I understand we all go through tough times but I don't think this is just a brief period of difficulty. Her character is showing a lot of flaws and it's ok to believe in someone. It's not ok to allow it to affect you in ways that harm or put you or your other loved ones in danger.

It's feeling like I'm reaching the point where it will have an impact. When I talk about my job stress, she just paints the same picture of what she deals with, and when I tell her it's not me being bullied, and being fed feedback to help me improve, she gets super confused about how to respond and stuff. It's weird

[reinventmyself]

Sorry, I overlooked that question

Somewhat yes. She had an old roommate who would discuss this topic with her, and she would constantly get defensive to a point where they would get into arguements.

Not about job hopping, since that was when she was at the cafe for a few years, but finding a more "adult job" that will help her sustain herself

So her being indecisive is just limited to her employment?
You'd say everything else is pretty normal?

Even if it is just her employment, living with someone is very much like taking on a business partner. If you weren't romantically linked with her, would you want to go into business with her based on your experience so far?

All in all, I would but the move on a back burner until you know better. I'd tell why too. It might motivate her to get her stuff in order.
You'll know soon enough if it's possible.

[annie24]

It's feeling like I'm reaching the point where it will have an impact. When I talk about my job stress, she just paints the same picture of what she deals with, and when I tell her it's not me being bullied, and being fed feedback to help me improve, she gets super confused about how to respond and stuff. It's weird

So it sounds like she is just really defensive, and when you get feedback, you take it as instructions on how to improve, and she takes it as a personal attack? Maybe part of it can just be her age, I remember when I was younger, it felt like the boss was the "bad guy" or "on a different side" or something like that - kind of immaturity on my part. At least now, in my last 2 jobs, I feel like my boss is "on my team" and if he makes suggestions, it's to help me improve and move our company towards a common goal, not to be a pain in the butt.

I don't know what this means for you long term - if this is something that she outgrows or if she is always a defensive person and not really open to hearing constructive criticism. I feel like that would be hard to live with a partner who isn't willing to accept a valid criticism or try to grow.

[bluecastle]

It's weird

Is it, though?

Here's the hard question: Is this a woman who you've ever enjoyed being with because you believed she was a titan who approached life the way you did, or because you believed you could help her learn how to approach life?