Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 10 1234 ... LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 94

Thread: Here again. Updates in relation to previous situation and further advice needed

  1. #1
    Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2019
    Posts
    91

    Here again. Updates in relation to previous situation and further advice needed

    I am back on here as like many others, the advice i received last time was extremely helpful and I have some updates.

    My last post was listed under the ‘made a mistake’ post. For anybody who wasn’t familiar with this.

    I went through an extremely rough patch with my current, well ex, I guess you could say.

    I went full no contact as advised, and began to feel somewhat happier. I struggle with anxiety so I really took the break up badly.

    Given everything I went through, it was for the best.

    However, since then, my ex has been persistent with contact etc. I did not block him on WhatsApp due to me still having belongings at his, and me wanting to get these back at some point. We ended up meeting each other a few times, but not actually talking about everything that has gone on. I know this should have been the first thing we did, but it’s like neither of us wanted to confront it.

    He then books us a trip to Dubai for a week, which I have just returned from. I agreed to go as I felt we were getting on a bit better again.

    In all honesty, it was actually very enjoyable, and we got on well. I returned just yesterday, and since then we haven’t spoke so much today, which is a little odd I guess.

    On the trip, we met with a few other couples who live there. One friend had a new girlfriend who we had not met before, and she asked us how long we had been together. My ex answered as I didn’t, and said we aren’t together right now, but are seeing each other.

    This has really confused me, as I was hoping things would get back on track etc. If I can start to forgive everything I was out through before, (toxic behaviour etc).

    I still care for him; and the trip was a really nice gesture and he put a lot of effort into it and did treat me like a princess.

    I am now super confused. And now since we’ve returned, he has to go back to football this week (he is a high profile player) and his time off is limited to a month a year.

    We only got back yesterday, however we haven’t spoke much since, and it now feels almost a little weird again.

    I am struggling to understand why he would take me away on a luxurious trip, act like we are a couple, but not talk about it or confront what we went through and what is happening now ? I know this is partially for me to do, but I struggle with confronting these kinds of things.

    It made me realise I missed him, but I am so so scared of getting sucked into this again, only to go through the same thing.

    Should I initiate the conversation about where we are or what we are doing? And what was his intentions of taking me away etc from a guys perspective maybe?

    Thanks again for all the help on here. All opinions are valued and given much thought.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    33,231
    Gender
    Male
    Glad you had a nice trip. His remark is something a player says about whoever he is is with at the moment. Unfortunately it sounds like you are on different wavelengths. Get your stuff and continue as fwb if you are ok with that.
    Originally Posted by Chloej123
    she asked us how long we had been together. My ex answered and said we aren’t together right now, but are seeing each other.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    11,238
    I'm curious why you would agree to go on the trip without being clear on where you stood.

    Are you avoiding the conversation because you're afraid of what the answer will be?

    These are no longer "mistakes" you're making, but deliberate acts. Ask yourself why you continue to make yourself available to him when you're not even together.

  4. #4
    Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2019
    Posts
    91
    I guess because I still have some feelings for him. He was pretty persistent about wanting to go, and his time off is limited. He has been away with his friends twice and just me. I wasn’t sure how things would go, I just know I wanted to see him. I guess it was also a kind of make or break thing, but it seems to have done well neither? Now I am asking myself Do I just wait for him to come to me to sort this? Or do I initiate it. I am just so confused.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Posts
    9,873
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by Chloej123

    We only got back yesterday, however we haven’t spoke much since, and it now feels almost a little weird again.

    I am struggling to understand why he would take me away on a luxurious trip, act like we are a couple, but not talk about it or confront what we went through and what is happening now ? I know this is partially for me to do, but I struggle with confronting these kinds of things.

    It made me realise I missed him, but I am so so scared of getting sucked into this again, only to go through the same thing.

    Should I initiate the conversation about where we are or what we are doing? And what was his intentions of taking me away etc from a guys perspective maybe?
    First off it's only been one day. Hold tight and see what happens.

    I read your previous post where this same guy was luke warm at best and ultimately walked away. You referred to this feeling weird again, but honestly from what you've shared, it's just more of the same.

    but yes, yes and YES. You owe it yourself to discuss his intentions at this point. From where I sit he seems to just want a casual relationship. He has the means to do fancy things, but the things he can do aren't a measure of his interest and commitment. It's just his lifestyle.

    I think he likes you enough, but it doesn't seem to be in alignment with what you are looking for.
    You went along with this without the benefit of any clarification, so you basically agreed to do things on his terms.
    If this doesn't work for you, it's your responsibility to speak up.

    You aren't pressuring him or asking him for anything. Just simply tell him that you aren't capable of casual, sexual relationships. If at any time he changes his mind and he finds you available at that time,you'd be open to discuss it with him.
    But in the meantime, he's done nothing wrong. You two are just looking for entirely different things.

  7. #6
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    May 2019
    Posts
    189
    If you want an answer, you have to ask a question. He is in a position right now where you are making yourself available to him on his terms. It sounds like this is all he wants. If you are OK with that, then you will have to accept that he is not going to be completely reliable.

    However, it sounds like you are not OK with that. What would you tell a friend if they were going through the same thing and asked for you advice? Are you afraid if you ask him what is going on, you won't get the answer you want? If it is a make-or-break thing, then go ahead and ask him. Don't delay; this will only bring you anxiety. You've got this.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Location
    British Columbia, Canada
    Posts
    1,288
    Gender
    Female
    It seems like you are in a situation where you feel the need for his answers. You're feeling destablized, unnerved, confused and needing to hear verbal confirmation from your ex/your date for the trip. I'd challenge this if you don't mind and be aware of what your mental or emotional state is in before you make any moves.

    He was very clear in his explanation to his friends what you both are doing: you are NOT together and you are just seeing each other. This translates to casual dating in my view and it doesn't amount to anything. I'm not particularly sold on his quick volunteering of personal business either or the airing out of your dating status so openly. That seems indiscreet and thoughtless towards you as a person and a person who reacts thoughtlessly towards you is not a person you should be taking seriously or placing much faith in.

    None of this sounds like a sincere go at a serious relationship or something along the lines of commitment. You seem completely hurt and demoralized. These are all signs that none of this feels right.

    If you do choose to go ahead and push the matter, be aware that your request for answers may fall on deaf ears or you may be met with an angry response or a frustrated response towards you. You're not taking the hint. It was callous of him to invite you to the trip in the first place and I don't feel this person is at all "with it" when it comes to dating or respecting someone.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    11,238
    Originally Posted by Chloej123
    I guess because I still have some feelings for him. He was pretty persistent about wanting to go, and his time off is limited. He has been away with his friends twice and just me. I wasn’t sure how things would go, I just know I wanted to see him. I guess it was also a kind of make or break thing, but it seems to have done well neither? Now I am asking myself Do I just wait for him to come to me to sort this? Or do I initiate it. I am just so confused.
    So you're willing to do anything, agree to do what he wants, just to try to hang on to some small piece of him? You are willing to pretend to be fine with the way things are? You are willing to avoid questions and discussions to avoid possibly hearing answers that may not be the ones you're hoping for?

    Is doing all this making you happy?

  10. #9
    Silver Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2018
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    490
    Gender
    Male
    OP i remember your threads. All i can say is you can only hold yourself accountable from here on. He's told you multiple times what he can offer and you have accepted that you are happy being FWB! Good luck.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Posts
    9,873
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    So you're willing to do anything, agree to do what he wants, just to try to hang on to some small piece of him? You are willing to pretend to be fine with the way things are? You are willing to avoid questions and discussions to avoid possibly hearing answers that may not be the ones you're hoping for?

    Is doing all this making you happy?
    Especially seeing that in round one he told you what he was feeling and where he was at.
    Round two he shared with friends that the two of you were `just seeing each other'

    Why is it (seeing he doesn't hesitate to tell you what his intentions are) that you are still 1) - confused, 2) - afraid to tell him what you are all about in terms of dating and relationships?

Page 1 of 10 1234 ... LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •