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Thread: Here again. Updates in relation to previous situation and further advice needed

  1. #11
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I'll offer a few thoughts.

    It's honestly hard for me to tell, having followed all your threads, if you even really like this guy, if what you're calling "feelings" are really for him. I think you like him liking you, basically, far more than you really like him. There's comfort in that, to say nothing of sizzle, and probably a nice distraction from yourself.

    Going back to the first thread, for a minute. Before he went away I don't think you were particularly invested in him. Sounds like he was just sort of there: a hot footballer who was into you and who you thought was kind of a player, a shady guy you weren't really sure about. But he was persistent enough that you had the sense that you could take it or leave it on your terms.

    Then those arms changed. He backed away, went from hot to cold, and what happened? Suddenly you got really into him, which makes me think that what you liked was the attention and what you didn't like was the feeling of that attention vanishing. He was still the same shady dude—even shadier, really, with those new IG followers—but just a shady dude who wasn't as hot for you as he'd been.

    And, well, he operates the same way. He likes you liking him. Feels good, spicy, and no doubt helps put a shine on his own significant insecurities. When you pull away—the social media blocking, whatever—he becomes a Romeo again. Courting, wooing, flying you to Dubai, and so on.

    Somewhere in all that are some genuinely lovely moments, I'm sure, and something like a connection. But then the moments pass, and what's left? Two people who, best I can tell, don't connect very well and really have no idea what they want from the other person save for being wanted.

    I don't say any of that with judgement, but with the hopes of empowering you and helping you see that you are just as much an architect of all this as he is. We've all talked about this guy a lot, but he's not mysterious. He's exactly the guy you thought he was when he was pursuing and you were guarded. This is kind of the dynamic you guys are building together, and have been engaged in for a good long time. You two just switch roles, on an ever-tightening loop, that's gotten you pretty dizzy.

    So rather than ask him what's up, I'd say take a real moment to ask yourself what's up. What do you really want here? Is this a man you see a future with? Is this a man you want to be in a relationship with, for real? Is the a man who you can trust for longer than three hours? When you say you "miss" him is it him you miss, or the feeling you sometimes have with him that you miss?

    I think if you get some clear answers to those questions—and those answers are inside you, right now, not for him to provide—you'll see that there's really not a whole lot here to be confused about.

  2. #12
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    OP, I am reading this as him wanting a woman to go this holiday with him - and he knew you were a sure bet. It wasn't a make-or-break thing for him. He wanted a female companion, and well, you fit the bill. You filled a role when he needed it. And now the trip is over and so is your current usefulness to him.

    I don't mean to be harsh. But girl - you need to stop doing this to yourself.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    I do not understand why you would not have had a conversation with him about your expectations BEFORE you went on the trip. Why aren't you keeping your personal power out of his hands. It seems he has always called all the shots while you blindly follow His lead only too once again wonder what his intentions are instead of telling him what you expect and if he can't give you that then you tell him to leave you alone.

    Why do you conduct your dating in that manner?

  4. #14
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    Are you super impressed with what he does for a living? So impressed that you give up your own needs and your own voice just to be permitted to be in the same space as him?

    I've met plenty of semi pro and pro athletes. Even dated a few. They are people, no more and no less.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    If you want to hang out on the periphery of someone else's life accepting crumbs, you can do that. It's not against the law, it just won't buy you anything but fantasies.

  7. #16
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    There are definitely trust issues still here, that is a given. However I do miss him when I am not around him. I miss when the relationship was good the most, of course. The break up effected me badly and I guess my head wasn’t in the best place shortly after. In terms of what I want, I would say a relationship again that was how it was before. The confusion I am feeling is that why is he taking me away etc and acting like we are a couple, but now not labelling at again instead saying ‘we practically are together, but not fully’. In his own words to the friends

  8. #17
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    I knew him before he went professional. So it was never his career or persona that I was so impressed by. I wanted him for him. And how I feel when I’m around him . If he didn’t have his career tomorrow, I’d still be here.

  9. #18
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    The reason we did not discuss it because I myself struggle with confrontation, and still feeling fragile, I thought we may even discuss it when we were over there. However we just acted and resumed couple behaviour as normal. Now I’m back and we still haven’t discussed what we are, of course I’m still confused

  10. #19
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    I guess a part of me is afraid, because of everything I went through before. I feel like I have opened myself up again and let him in. And although I won’t to take things slow in order to protect my feelings, I want to know where this stands now. We are 6 months in now and it has been rocky, but ultimately I do still want him

  11. #20
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Chloej123
    In terms of what I want, I would say a relationship again that was how it was before.
    Relationships only go in one direction: forward. Just like you can't go back to how you were when you were 18 or 8, a relationship does not revert back to a previous state. It is always evolving, and it's on us to do what we can to help it evolve in the way we wish and, just as critical, to be honest if it's not evolving in a way that serves our needs and hearts.

    Just something to think about as you navigate all this.

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