Is he lying to me? If yes, why then?

Hello guys! Well it’s been 6 months that I have this Long Distance Relationship. Well you know, the first two months always seem “perfect” but then you realize that that was just too good to be true. Anyway our relationship was hard but it wasn’t bad, until a week ago when he tells me that he feels down and doesn’t want to talk to anyone. I tried not to take it personally and told him that i’ll always be there for him. We’ve been talking less and less now, but I checked his instagram and he has followed other girls and seems to be interacting with other people. He doesn’t reply when I send him pictures or when I say I love him. Just one day before this “low mood” hit him he was telling me how much he loves me and now suddenly I’m nothing. Im question whether all he said to me was a lie but why would he do that? This is causing me so much pain. I told him that I’m afraid I’ll loose him, he said that even if it happens it’s not the end of the world but that’s not the case with us. I don’t know what to believe, I feel gaslighted. The pain of this is so big. I'm afraid he will leave me.

PS: Please be nice, I know you all have perfect lifes and make perfect desicion, but if you're going to be mean I don't want your reply at all.

Isn't this the guy you broke up with and was aggressive? Why did you take him back?

How much time have you spent with him in person, OP?

He doesn't sound anywhere near as invested as you are. If he's in a low mood, leave him be. Messaging him with pictures or "I love you" is not going to bring you reassurance. Sometimes we just have to recognize that the other person doesn't feel the way we do, and walk away.

He called me, apologised, we talked about it and moved one. We had some good days after that and now here I'am.

The thing that is hard for me to accept is why would he lie to me without the minimum of empathy. We were talking about being together as if it was our main purpose, like we were a priority to each other (he definetely is for me) but now I feel so neglected.

I hate the "feeling low/ depressed" move people like to make when they really just want to distance themselves. On one hand, it might be true, but on the other - most of the time when it is coupled with interacting with other women it is a few steps away from the "I need to be single to find myself" conversation, or the "I can't commit right now but still love you," conversation.

I hope in this case that your gut feeling is wrong and he's just interacting with people who are new, innocent friends. But in my experience, when your feelings are this negative about the circumstances, they're right on point. What you do next with them is totally your call, but I would give it another week, have one more conversation to "come to Jesus" and know what's really happening, and go from there.

Sorry to hear this. It sounds like the LDR is taking it's toll and he's losing interest. Consider ending it/taking a break. Set yourself free to date local guys who you have more in common with and who are more interested. He is not as invested in this as you are.

He also doesn't seem to enjoy the topics of conversation: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=559373&p=7125141&viewfull=1#post7125141

This is really uncalled for, Billie28. Are you purposely trying to troll OP? She's allowed to say she loves someone if that's what she feels. It's not a lie just because you can't relate. She also stated up front that she preferred not to get the harsh "advice" and it seems like you feel the need to kick her while she's down. You definitely do not need to put in your two cents on a thread if you can't think of something useful to say and get off on making someone feel worse.

This is the kind of reaction that can be super toxic on these forums. OP is going through something confusing and clearly she knows him if she's been dating him for 6 months. Come on.

Why did you lie to him?

Why did you tell someone you love him and would always be there for him when you don’t even know him??

Stop playing a fantasy game and expecting reality?!

No, none of us are living perfect lives or fairytales.

We live in the real world!

I hate the "feeling low/ depressed" move people like to make when they really just want to distance themselves. On one hand, it might be true, but on the other - most of the time when it is coupled with interacting with other women it is a few steps away from the "I need to be single to find myself" conversation, or the "I can't commit right now but still love you," conversation.

 

I hope in this case that your gut feeling is wrong and he's just interacting with people who are new, innocent friends. But in my experience, when your feelings are this negative about the circumstances, they're right on point. What you do next with them is totally your call, but I would give it another week, have one more conversation to "come to Jesus" and know what's really happening, and go from there.

Thank you! Claiming depression while breaking up with someone has become my least favorite move. It's so manipulative and often translates to "I feel bad, because I'm guilty over not wanting to be with you anymore." Plus, the person being broken up with naturally worries about the person ending the relationship and wants to help. It seems to completely remove responsibility from the dumper in many people's eyes.

Peace of mind, at this point there is nothing you can do to change the situation. This person has shown you who they are and you would be wise to accept that it is over and move on. People who care and are invested in a relationship with you will not ignore your messages or treat you callously. Willingness to take him back again communicates a lack of respect for yourself and a green light to this man to do whatever he wants, because you will be waiting around whenever he wants to pop back and mess with you.

It's definitely okay and normal to not always make the "right" decisions the first time. What's important is that you listen to your gut now and stop engaging with someone who is wrecking your self-esteem.

Have you actually met this guy or is it just a computer romance?

Don't let him bring you down like this. If it's meant to be, it will be. We don't all have perfect lives on here. I certainly don't and am suffering the same feelings you are but have walked away, You have been six months, I was two years and believe me, it hurts. Give him the distance he needs and see if he misses you. There are plenty of fish in the sea. What's so special about this one? Think positive and hold your head up high. It's his loss - and that's what you should be thinking. You deserve someone who makes you the centre of his world. Don't accept anything less than that.

 

I told him that I’m afraid I’ll loose him, he said that even if it happens it’s not the end of the world

 

Peace, I hope this doesn't sound mean, I don't mean for it to, but if I had to venture a guess, it would be he feels a tremendous amount of pressure in this relationship, caused by you due to your desperate need to not lose him.

Telling a man you are afraid to lose him is one of the biggest mistakes you could ever make. The pressure it puts on a man to always have to be there, constantly meeting your needs, otherwise you will crumble and fall to pieces, lost, just as you are feeling now.

It's not just a pressure, it will eventually become a huge turn off, as is what I suspect now is going on.

The reason why he is not being truthful about that is because he fears what the truth will do to you. And he does not want the added burden of feeling responsible for your emotions.

Regardless of whether it works out with this man, moving forward please learn to be ok on your own.

Yes it hurts when your partner ends things, but as he even said it's not the end of the world, not by a long shot!

Men want a strong confident woman, whom they know will be just fine if/when they ever want to leave. Not a weak woman, who is afraid to lose him, totally dependent on him for her very survival.

This is the message you sent him both in words and behavior, the pressure of living up to that became too much.

My advice now is to leave him alone. Send the message you will be just fine if he ever chooses to leave.

I'm sorry and hope you feel better soon!

I just read your previous thread -- you have never even met this man in person.

If I may ask, how did you allow yourself to become so emotionally dependent on a man you've never met? To the point you are this afraid to lose him?

I understand the feelings, but how does this type of LDR or cyber relationship even work? I have always been curious about that.

What do your "dates" consist of?

Serious question.

Hello guys! Well it’s been 6 months that I have this Long Distance Relationship. Well you know, the first two months always seem “perfect” but then you realize that that was just too good to be true. Anyway our relationship was hard but it wasn’t bad, until a week ago when he tells me that he feels down and doesn’t want to talk to anyone. I tried not to take it personally and told him that i’ll always be there for him. We’ve been talking less and less now, but I checked his instagram and he has followed other girls and seems to be interacting with other people. He doesn’t reply when I send him pictures or when I say I love him. Just one day before this “low mood” hit him he was telling me how much he loves me and now suddenly I’m nothing. Im question whether all he said to me was a lie but why would he do that? This is causing me so much pain. I told him that I’m afraid I’ll loose him, he said that even if it happens it’s not the end of the world but that’s not the case with us. I don’t know what to believe, I feel gaslighted. The pain of this is so big. I'm afraid he will leave me.

PS: Please be nice, I know you all have perfect lifes and make perfect desicion, but if you're going to be mean I don't want your reply at all.

He's showing you what he really is. It's painful but you'll have to realize it on your own. Remember that we all get to choose. You get to choose what you want to bring into your life.

Letting him believe that you are fearful he will leave you is adding fuel to the fire. He doesn't need to know that and you should never be fearful of people who treat you badly or allow it to immobilize you. The first step in acknowledging a situation that's unhealthy for you is in recognizing what it is and then proactively developing a better future and a better life away from the cause of (unnecessary) distress.

How much time have you two spent together in person?

Not over a piece of electronic equipment, but IN PERSON? This is key.

How much time have you two spent together in person?

 

Not over a piece of electronic equipment, but IN PERSON? This is key.

Bolt, they have never met in person (previous thread from last month, the one Wisemsn linked).

Bolt, they have never met in person (previous thread from last month, the one Wisemsn linked).

I know, but she is dodging the question (asked by 3 different people). I was hoping to get a response directly from her to get clarification on her take on the situation.

I know, but she is dodging the question (asked by 3 different people). I was hoping to get a response directly from her to get clarification on her take on the situation.

Oh ok, apologies for barging in.

OP it's very concerning that you are hanging on so desperately to a "relationship" with someone you have never met and is something you should consider addressing with a therapist. He very likely just wants to end it but doesn't have the courage to do so, so he is trying to force you to do it by pulling away and causing conflict with you. I suggest taking the hint and moving on from this... and find someone that you can spend time with IRL.

If you have never met him, you don't know if you really like him. I would recommend dating somebody local, and stop living in a fantasy world.

Relationships are built on face-to-face dates.

Hi boltnrun,

I know this guy in person. We've been classmates but "the relationship" started when he was abroad.

This is really uncalled for, Billie28. Are you purposely trying to troll OP? She's allowed to say she loves someone if that's what she feels. It's not a lie just because you can't relate. She also stated up front that she preferred not to get the harsh "advice" and it seems like you feel the need to kick her while she's down. You definitely do not need to put in your two cents on a thread if you can't think of something useful to say and get off on making someone feel worse.

 

This is the kind of reaction that can be super toxic on these forums. OP is going through something confusing and clearly she knows him if she's been dating him for 6 months. Come on.

Sorry you think that.

Yes the OP is allowed to say how she feels but she needs to realise that this is not love but some sort of dependence / infatuation with a fantasy .

And my comment was not to kick someone while they are down but to bring them back to reality.

She clearly imo doesn’t know him because she has not dated him at all.

She has chatted online only.

I believe my comment to be very useful and others since have said similar.

Hi boltnrun,

I know this guy in person. We've been classmates but "the relationship" started when he was abroad.

In what capacity did you know him?

And I’m guessing the contact between you started when he newly arrived in another country and had not yet established a friend base? Right? Is his move there permanent?