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Thread: He broke up but says he loves me

  1. #1
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    He broke up but says he loves me

    Hi,

    Me and my ex are still living together and he said that he still loves me and would do anything for me (although it might have changed over the past couple of days).

    So the story goes like this... I suspected that there was something wrong for quite a while, and eventually the break up happened. We rarely communicated our feelings because we both have very deep issues. My emotional reaction to him not telling me what was going on was to cry and make statements I didnít want to make to get anything from him.

    So a week ago, I had two very emotionally rough days involving uncontrollable crying because I wanted him to show me that he loved me and then feeling of guilt because I made him feel sad and I couldnít control my emotions. The day after that, he said that he doesnít know if he wants to be with me, but we were still together, just with this possibility that we may part our ways eventually. We agreed that throughout the relationship we hurt each other (he later said that it actually wasnít that serious of an issue, to what I said that this how he felt and therefore it was important). We agreed that we both need to work on each other and to attend psychotherapy sessions. We thought of doing counselling for couples in addition to this. This period gave us the possibility to connect emotionally. We both cried a lot, felt guilty and said that we loved each other.

    Last Wednesday, when we were still together, he asked me whether he could go for a coffee with his new female friend whom he does training with. I expressed my concerns about it, that given our then current situation it wouldnít be appropriate. He reassured me that heís not interested in her in a romantic way. I believed him even though I didnít like the idea. This made me even more insecure and wanting to have certainty that he would be with me. Because of my insecurities and the fear of abandonment (which he also experiences), on Thursday I suggested that maybe we shouldnít be together. He didnít seem to like the idea, but agreed and when I said that I regretted suggesting it he didnít want to go back to the relationship.

    The next day, when I tried to talk to him if he ever saw us getting back together, he told me that he doesnít want to be with me at the moment and I shouldnít have any hopes. But I do. As mentioned before, we live together, we talk and laugh on a daily basis, as nothing happened, we just donít sleep together. He still calls me cute names. I wanted to follow the NO contact rule, but itís hard if you live with someone you love. Iíve noticed one night that when I was less friendly to him, he was making an effort to interact with me. I told him yesterday that maybe it would be better if I stayed at my brotherís place for a few nights, he said that it would destroy his sense of home and stability (he comes from a broken home and I really donít want to feel abandoned as I think he would stop trusting me), so I decided to stay. Later that day, when he was at work, we chatted for a couple of hours on the phone and he mentioned about moving out. Then we decided that we can keep living together to save costs and so on.

    I donít know how can I get him back, or if itís even possible. We donít fight, we are nice to each other, I donít beg him to be with me, but he knows that I want to be with him. I told him that I want to be with him when weíre both a bit more fixed. But it seems as if he doesnít even consider getting back together. In addition, he met that girl for a walk. He didnít tell me, but I knew he met up with her, so I challenged him about it. He admitted and for the second time reassured that heís not interested in her or any new relationship for now. That girls is also going through a break up and I donít trust her. He said that if itís hard for me he will not meet up for a coffee to which I said that he should go if he wants.

    Iím thinking of staying over at my brotherís, but I worry that I will lose him for good, given that heís having those abandonment issues and craving for secure home. He said that in our relationship he craved the sense of security the most. I was often saying something like ďmaybe we shouldnít be togetherĒ or ďmaybe you should find someone elseĒ without meaning it. It was often a way for me to deal with my fear of being abandoned. He told me that whenever I said something like this, he felt a tremendous panic. When Iím thinking about this it breaks my heart. How could I possibly do this to him? I love him so much, and knowing all my flows I know that I want to be with him for all the right reasons- not out of fear, he is a great guy and worth every effort. Could you please help me getting him back? What should I do? What should I say? How should I act?

    I try not check his fb but I had a notification about the video which fb sometimes creates of happy moments and so on. He said something like funny that I have only jiu jitsu pictures on it. This made me feel as if heís already gave up on me and moved on with his life entirely... :(

    Thank you in advance, and apologies for the long story.
    Last edited by Ilaria007; 06-25-2019 at 04:05 AM. Reason: Tags adding

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    How long have you been dating? How long have you lived together? Is it his place, your place or do you co-own or co-lease? Nothing will be accomplished or healed until you address the logistics of either one of you moving out or you decide to come to terms with each other.. Right now it's just a nasty fight with both of you camped out in different corners of your shared place.

    Make an appt with a doctor for a complete check up and get therapy for yourself and address mood swings crying jags, etc. This will be a wise investment whether you move out or stay together. Do not just run away for a while to a relatives house. That is not conflict resolution. Move out or work things out.
    Originally Posted by Ilaria007
    still living together

    I had two very emotionally rough days involving uncontrollable crying because I wanted him to show me that he loved me and then feeling of guilt because I made him feel sad and I couldnít control my emotions.
    Last edited by Wiseman2; 06-25-2019 at 06:27 AM.

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    Hi Wiseman2 and thank you for your reply.

    Weíve been together over 4 years and been living together for almost 4 years- we co-lease this place. We actually donít fight now and are nice to each other. Occasionally we talk about the situation, but I donít beg him to come back. I donít show him that Iím sad. We donít sleep in the same bed although 2 days ago he offered that we could - I refused. I donít want to leave him here a bit because I love him and I worry that he will feel betrayed if I do. I just worry that if I stay he will feel too comfortable to actually miss me and to want me back. I know I should work first on myself, but at the same time, I donít want to make mistakes when around him, because, firstly, I donít want to hurt him, secondly, I want him back.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Ok but is devolving this into roommates with benefits a solution? As long as you refuse to find a solution and stay or breakup and leave, it will hover in this nowhere zone.
    Originally Posted by Ilaria007

    Weíve been together over 4 years and been living together for almost 4 years- we co-lease this place. We donít sleep in the same bed although 2 days ago he offered that we could - I refused.

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    I donít know what would be the solution to make him commit to me once again. We definitely wonít evolve into roommates with benefits, as we both know that this is not an option. The only thing I can do is to focus on myself only, but this seems so little to help the cause of getting him back. A day after we broke up, he said he didnít want to be with me at that moment and he doesnít think of the future. I never brought it up again. As I said before, he still calls me cute names and cares about me and I can see it. He told me hat he will never stop loving me and it wasnít just said out of guilt. Shall I have any hopes or shall I just move on with my life?

    Iím sorry if I sound ridiculous, I just really donít know what to do

  7. #6
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    He WANTS out!!!
    Why are you thinking leaving is betraying him when he actually wants out?

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    Because when I told him that Iíll go and stay at my brotherís he said that I should stay as it would take away the sense of stability. I know his history and I know it is important for him, and I really want to support him

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    And of course, Iím grateful for that what you said. Itís vert easy to have hopes in such situations

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by Ilaria007
    Because when I told him that Iíll go and stay at my brotherís he said that I should stay as it would take away the sense of stability. I know his history and I know it is important for him, and I really want to support him
    So you are happy to maintain his ďstabilityĒ until he gets it from another?
    Thatís very noble of you. Or at least it might be if you actually were doing that without invested interest. But you arenít. And his request is despicable. Regardless of his past. He is selfish. Only.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You did not break up if you are still living together. He wants a noncommittal roommates with benefits situation. Nothing more as he directly told you. He does not see a future with you but by having you live there he gets help with chores, errands, rent and with enough "cute names",sex. He is being crystal clear about this.

    Was the argument about your goals/future? It sounds like after 4 years of living together this is as good as it gets. He does not want marriage, kids, a future with you. After 4 years this would have been clear not him backing up.
    Originally Posted by Ilaria007
    he said he didnít want to be with me at that moment and he doesnít think of the future.

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