Trying to heal

Here’s how it started. I met my recent boyfriend on a dating site and we immediately had our eyes set on one another. It was magical and I knew he was perfect for me. We moved in and began planning a future together. That’s when I found out about his alcoholism.

He began lying, hiding alcohol and doing whatever he could to protect his liquor from me. Eventually, this turned into verbal abuse and it became so bad that I recently decided to move out, knowing that I was not helping the situation by being there. I wanted to be there for him and help him through this because he had stuck with me during the darkest depression I’ve ever been through. I tried countless times to discuss the amount of drinking with him but he was in denial. My heart was breaking, my mind was shattering. I felt I had no other option than to go through with the hardest decision I had ever made.

Now, two weeks after the break up, he is clean for the longest he has been in 10 + years. He is attending AA daily, making a solid effort to make himself a better man. He has verbalized to me the reasons he is doing this. Firstly, for himself. He doesn’t want to live that way anymore. Secondly, he wants to be with me. My move out helped him see the problems he was facing.

We are a very supportive couple. But these last several months have been so taxing and I am so broken down from the months of verbal abuse. I am doubtful, I feel like I have made a mistake by leaving, I am second guessing everything. Him getting help is what I wanted all along. I just want him to be happy and healthy. I love him so much more than this is portraying. I want nothing more than for us to regroup as healthier individuals.

But then there’s me. I am struggling with the fact that I don’t have my best friend by my side right now. It is apparent how focused he is on his recovery process. I should be happy, right? I’m not in control of this situation and the future is not apparent. I know what our present selves want - to eventually be together. Does anyone have any relatable experiences to mine? Do you have any advice? How can I heal while still being there for him?