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Thread: Distant boyfriend during pregnancy

  1. #1
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    Distant boyfriend during pregnancy

    Looking for some insight on this situation, thank you in advance for reading this entirely.

    My boyfriend of 2 and a half years has behaved cold, disinterested, indifferent, unaffectionate, and barely talkative towards me throughout most of my pregnancy. He's asked twice how I feel, never asks about the baby, and just generally seems to not care. I am due any day now and I've confronted him on several occasions as to why he's been distant. He proceeded to tell me that he's tired of my pregnancy, hormones, mood changes, and hurtful things I've said to him. I do admit, I have said and done some very hurtful things. For example, being upset and asking if it was a mistake, said I wouldn't have him on the birth certificate, called him a sperm donor, and moved into our guest bedroom with baby stuff. Not my finest of actions but I've said and done all of these things BECAUSE of his distance, I was reacting to how he was behaving towards everything. I moved my stuff (this is why we girls do dumb things like this sometimes) to see what he would do, would he come after to me to try and fix us, even care? Nope. Didn't do anything. Again, I know those were all sh***y things to say and do.

    He's also stated that he's avoided me because I complain too much about the pregnancy. My back hurts after I eat so I've said it numerous times. He thinks I don't need to repeat myself and that I act like it's a new pain every time. Or if something's happening to my body I react by saying "it's cause I'm pregnant" too many times. I don't know I was just always stating how I felt in that moment to keep him in the loop but to him it was annoying.

    I confronted him this morning calmly to have an adult conversation about this one last time and I looked him in the eyes and genuinely said that I was sorry for every hurtful thing I've said and done. That I didn't mean all those things I said and that I'd wish he'd understand my body has been through so many changes physically and emotionally. He said, "if you didn't mean what you said you wouldn't have ever said it" I repeated again that I didn't mean them and that I was only reacting to his behavior towards the pregnancy. He said it's going to get harder when the baby is here, and I said "yes that's why I'm trying to fix it now." Meanwhile, the whole time I'm trying to have this conversation he's on his phone playing a game barely looking at me. I said "I just need your affection and support and the reassurance that you'll be here for me and the baby" Didn't say a word. I said "Are you going to leave?" he said "I don't plan on it". Finally I said, "When you look at me, it makes me happy, when you smile at me it makes me happy." No response. So I just left the room.

    I've come to the unfortunate conclusion that I'm going to be having a child with a "Man-Child". When I've looked this term up, he matches this description perfectly. He believes he's done nothing wrong (based on the half ass sorry he did say in that conversation), takes no accountability, and thinks he is the victim of this all. I'm tired too, of being pregnant and all the changes and I get no empathy. Now I just want someone's opinion of all this, I'm trying here, putting in the 50% and getting only 20% back. My next step is to just give up, is that what I should do? I've never felt so alone and I can't believe I'm going through this, this heartbreak and sadness, during a time that's suppose to be filled with happiness and joy of bringing a life into the world.

  2. #2
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    Go to couples counselling for the sake of your child.

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    Platinum Member Fudgie's Avatar
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    You've been quite abusive to him and extremely hurtful. I wouldn't be excited for the pregnancy if I were him, given the things you've said! You're worrier about having a baby with a Man Child...he's likely worried about having a baby with an abusive harpie!

    Your apology means nothing to him because you said you were sorry but then said that you were under stress/hormones/etc. You basically invalidated your own apology because you aren't taking responsibility for what you've done.

    I'm sorry, pregnancy sucks but it does not excuse or justify abusive behavior. This is not something that "girls do". If you want your relationship to survive, you need to hold yourself accountable for what happened. Don't make excuses.

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    I have suggested that already, he refuses and believes counseling won't do anything.

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    Originally Posted by Fudgie
    You've been quite abusive to him and extremely hurtful. I wouldn't be excited for the pregnancy if I were him, given the things you've said! You're worrier about having a baby with a Man Child...he's likely worried about having a baby with an abusive harpie!

    Your apology means nothing to him because you said you were sorry but then said that you were under stress/hormones/etc. You basically invalidated your own apology because you aren't taking responsibility for what you've done.

    I'm sorry, pregnancy sucks but it does not excuse or justify abusive behavior. This is not something that "girls do". If you want your relationship to survive, you need to hold yourself accountable for what happened. Don't make excuses.
    I do hold myself accountable. But you really think the pregnancy has nothing to do with the way I've acted based on his actions of indifference? I didn't just start off being this way. I said hurtful things because I was hurting myself by him.

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    I am not gonna blame this all on you, I think you both contributed to what has now become quite toxic and frankly not sustainable.

    He has said some incredibly hurtful things to you imo, behaved in very hurtful ways. I understand you did as well, but I can't tell if your hurtful comments were in reaction to his, or his hurtful comments were in reaction to yours.

    Perhaps it's a little of both. That said, it does no use to cast blame, the reality is the relationship has just become too toxic to remain in and will be detrimental to your baby, without professional help.

    It's also possible he may be overwhelmed by the sudden responsibility and not emotionally prepared for it. The stress of it is causing him to emotionally distance himself and lash out.

    Also, some of his hurtful comments suggest he doesn't understand the impact a pregnancy can have on a woman's emotions and body. Clearly!

    May I ask how old you both are? Was the pregnancy planned? Why were you not using birth control?

    I am not judgment, just asking.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 06-24-2019 at 09:49 PM.

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    Originally Posted by Drea1024
    I do hold myself accountable. But you really think the pregnancy has nothing to do with the way I've acted based on his actions of indifference? I didn't just start off being this way. I said hurtful things because I was hurting myself by him.
    Do you think this is a constructive and mature way to handle conflict?

    Is this behavior what you plan to teach your child? "Sweetie, if someone hurts your feelings the best thing to do is say horrible, hurtful things to them and then pack up your stuff and leave."

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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    I am not gonna blame this all on you, I think you both contributed to what has now become quite toxic and frankly not sustainable.

    He has said some incredibly hurtful things to you, things I would never tolerate I can tell you that. I understand you did as well, but I can't tell if your hurtful comments were in reaction to his, or his hurtful comments were in reaction to yours.

    Perhaps it's a little of both. That said, it does no use to blame, the reality is the relationship has just become to toxic to remain in and will be detrimental to your baby, without professional help.

    It's also possible he may be overwhelmed by this sudden responsibility and not emotionally prepared for it. The stress of it is causing him to lash out.

    May I ask how old you both are? Was the pregnancy planned? Why were you not using birth control?

    I am not judgment, just asking.

    Yes, and he did say that we are both guilty in to where it's become now. He doesn't believe in counseling, he thinks it's a bunch of quack. I'm 31 and he will be turning 35 in August. This pregnancy was not planned. I was on the Nuvaring forever but realized the hormones were making me very irritable and depressed so I got off of it. I was off birth control for 3 months, in which during that time we played with fire and had sex and only did pull out method. Didn't work obviously.

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    Platinum Member Fudgie's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980

    He has said some incredibly hurtful things to you, things I would never tolerate I can tell you that. I understand you did as well, but I can't tell if your hurtful comments were in reaction to his, or his hurtful comments were in reaction to yours.
    This.

    It is not readily clear from your post, OP, who acted poorly first. Maybe it is a combination of both. However, your behavior has been down right abusive. Yes, he's been distant but you've called him a sperm donor.

    I think you need to own up to that without blaming the pregnancy and you both need some professional therapy together. If he refuses to go, remind him what happens if you guys split: child support, big $$ out of his paycheck, and an awkward visitation relationship with the child.

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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    Do you think this is a constructive and mature way to handle conflict?

    Is this behavior what you plan to teach your child? "Sweetie, if someone hurts your feelings the best thing to do is say horrible, hurtful things to them and then pack up your stuff and leave."
    No absolutely not it's not a constructive and mature way to handle it. I admit that and I apologized for what I've said, regardless if the other poster thinks that I'm not holding myself accountable, I genuinely am regretful for what I've said and done. My rationality for doing and saying these things was because I wanted some kind of reaction, ANY KIND, but I got nothing every time. Doesn't make it right I know, but I was desperate and alone and hurt. I've sat down with him to discuss this amicably and each time nothing gets resolved because he can't let go of his ego/pride and the victim mentality he places himself in.

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