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Thread: Distant boyfriend during pregnancy

  1. #31
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    Originally Posted by Drea1024
    Yes Iíve known that. Iíve attempted 3 times to talk to him but looking back now maybe 2 out of the 3 times it wasnít so rational. Iíve attacked him verbally and thatís not the most constructive way to do it and I can see why heíd retreat more.

    He stated that he wanted the pregnancy, the mood swings and the negativity to be over because itís only going to get harder. I hope postpartum Iíll make it through without any of all of that. And yes priority right now is the baby, we will have to figure us out later. Thank you and to others that have responded with tough love.
    I sincerely wish you all the best!!!
    Donít sweat the small stuff.
    Donít analyse.
    All you really need right now is practical wrt to the baby.
    And enjoy!!!

  2. #32
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    Leseine -I remember those days and 10 year olds bring their own different challenges and.... I get it!

    OP- he did not want this baby with all his heart. Neither did you and you might have changed your mind. He has not - there are varying degrees of want and to me wanting a baby with all your heart or at the very least, being ambivalent because of fear but being 1000% committed to your partner who wants the baby with his/her whole heart plus being 1000% committed to the family as a package deal - that goes a long way (to me the former is essential, not just ideal but life happens I get it). He "wants" the baby in the way that people want shiny new toy, a novelty, that it's so exciting to be starting a family -he does NOT want it badly enough to want the realities of pregnancy, your changes, inconvenient life changes, unpredictability, financial burden and also he does not seem to want you in his life for the long term badly enough (again it's a spectrum).

    So your job since you chose to play with fire (as did he but if he's not going to do his job, it's on you, from a practical standpoint) is to have the perspective of the best interests of the child. Not your aching back (again a spectrum - take care of yourself so you can take care of your pregnancy appropriately and later, your baby - but with the perspective of best interests of your child) - start to plan for co-parenting, plan financially, right now, plan logistically right now - plan legally, right now. Plan emotionally -you see a therapist, you join a reputable moms group on line or in reality - I am not a fan of limiting to "mom friends" but from a practical perspective you will need moms who you can swap childcare with, or get referrals to good daycares or nannies, etc. Who may have hand me downs.

    Yes, make your genuine apologies of course. And I think you are on the right track as I just now read all the posts (my backstory -husband and I started trying to conceive before we were engaged, we were in our early 40s - we planned on marriage and we married while I was pregnant, been married 10 years - we did not live together before marriage and any 'adjustment" would have been irrelevant because living together with a newborn in 550 square feet has nothing to do with living together as a couple, which we did for weeks at a time just not officially - and yes we moved to a bigger place but not by much lol!).

    Good luck and feel well!

  3. #33
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Bottom line is you don't get to call the future husband of your child a sperm donor and threaten to not include his name on the birth certificate only to act surprised it didn't just blow over immediately upon apology. That's in addition to, and with respect to your body and hormones, you seeming to have been a negative and intolerable presence beside the very personal attacks.

    Do I buy that you're regretful and have every good intention to press forward in a much more positive manner? Sure. But that's just what you do then. It'd be great if any apology entitled us to a clean slate then and there. Unfortunately, that's generally not how the other person's feelings work. And none of this is about him bottling up his resentment for your mistreatment. It's not his responsibility to "put you in your place." After every single insult, it was on you to reflect and realize you were doing wrong or being a toxic presence. If it ended up he ended up he got fed up and came back legitimately with everything you'd been doing, then that's just you paying the piper. Give him some space, be a more positive presence, and make sure previous incidents don't repeat themselves.

    And I think a lot of people are making some pretty unqualified assumptions toward his attitude with regard to the coming child him/herself. We have zero idea what's going on in his head aside from being understandably nervous about an unplanned pregnancy and having dealt with an emotionally abusive girlfriend for it. He can well and genuinely have hope in being a father separate from those aspects.

  4. #34
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I don't feel like he's committed to you or a future with you if he's texting other girls. I'd be realistic about this and start setting boundaries early before it gets out of hand and both of you grow apart or make decisions that ultimately affect your family later on down the line. Your emotions shouldn't be pushing him away to that level. If he wants out, he should be honest with you and work through a break up and yet still commit to being a father. There's no reason to bring third parties into your relationship.

    It always takes two. If you do sense he's unmotivated, distracted and mentally/emotionally elsewhere, this isn't going to work in the long run. I agree with not overanalyzing but I also think you do need to continue to be realistic about all those decisions the both of you are engaging with starting from now (as a couple and as individuals).

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  6. #35
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    Times when my husband was distant when I was pregnant, or post partum, was when he was texting other girls. He sounds like a super-duper selfish guy. You are carrying and making a baby, and it's not easy, and things can hurt and do hurt, and you can swell up, hard to breath, and gigantic. The fact that he can't even look up at you while you're talking? I think he's pretty lame. I would make back-up plans, because if only one partner is doing all the work in a relationship, then what good is the other person for.

    He can be the mediocre dad. And that's fine. Child support, etc. But, he is distant because of his shenanigans. And I doubt you are yelling at him for doting on you, helping you pick out things for the baby, and getting the nursery together, rubbing your feet. Nope - he's doing nothing. Mediocre dad!

    Everyone loves to call a prego lady crazy, but dude, if he was sweet to you and not texting other girls, you prob wouldn't be losing it on him.

  7. #36
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    Originally Posted by tattoobunnie
    Times when my husband was distant when I was pregnant, or post partum, was when he was texting other girls. He sounds like a super-duper selfish guy. You are carrying and making a baby, and it's not easy, and things can hurt and do hurt, and you can swell up, hard to breath, and gigantic. The fact that he can't even look up at you while you're talking? I think he's pretty lame. I would make back-up plans, because if only one partner is doing all the work in a relationship, then what good is the other person for.

    He can be the mediocre dad. And that's fine. Child support, etc. But, he is distant because of his shenanigans. And I doubt you are yelling at him for doting on you, helping you pick out things for the baby, and getting the nursery together, rubbing your feet. Nope - he's doing nothing. Mediocre dad!

    Everyone loves to call a prego lady crazy, but dude, if he was sweet to you and not texting other girls, you prob wouldn't be losing it on him.
    That could be but in this case they chose not wait till they were married or at least very long term committed and chose to play with fire despite not being fully committed to having a child. And then she personally attacked him and referred to him as just a sperm donor. Who knows why he is distant - and, no, being pregnant doesn't justify going crazy in that way.

  8. #37
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    That could be but in this case they chose not wait till they were married or at least very long term committed and chose to play with fire despite not being fully committed to having a child. And then she personally attacked him and referred to him as just a sperm donor. Who knows why he is distant - and, no, being pregnant doesn't justify going crazy in that way.
    I haven't read any of her other posts. I guess they got prego early?

  9. #38
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    Originally Posted by tattoobunnie
    I haven't read any of her other posts. I guess they got prego early?
    "This pregnancy was not planned. I was on the Nuvaring forever but realized the hormones were making me very irritable and depressed so I got off of it. I was off birth control for 3 months, in which during that time we played with fire and had sex and only did pull out method. Didn't work obviously."

  10. #39
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    Originally Posted by Drea1024
    I do hold myself accountable. But you really think the pregnancy has nothing to do with the way I've acted based on his actions of indifference? I didn't just start off being this way. I said hurtful things because I was hurting myself by him.
    No one can make you do anything. Your reaction to what he does and says is always a choice. He may have not handled a particular situation in the best way but when you lash out and do punishing things, is it helpful? It certainly doesn't appear to be. It gets you where you are at now.

    When you feel hurt practice saying how it makes you feel, rather than doing and saying hurtful things you can't take back.

  11. #40
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    The texting other girls happened during the first few months of our relationship, that old post was from 2016/17 I believe. Weíve been together 2 and a half years.

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