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Thread: Distant boyfriend during pregnancy

  1. #21
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    You are excusing your very poor behaviour on reacting to his.
    His behaviour hasnít been that bad, but yours is intolerable.

    For every action there is a reaction. Yes.
    But you chose to react in an abusive manner. You used manipulative tactics etc.
    You cannot place blame on him or hormones for that. That was your choice of reaction.

    As for his behaviour , well from your previous post , there have been unresolved trust issues. And has been distant before at times. Perhaps thatís just part of his personality that you donít gel with? Incompatibility ?
    Something you accepted but didnít want to once you became pregnant?

    Most pregnant women donít want to wrapped in cotton wool because they are pregnant. They just deal with the pregnancy and all its discomforts that are a natural part and parcel of it all.
    I sense that you have been quite negative throughout your pregnancy.
    I wouldnít ask how you are either if itís only met with negativity.

    And it seems a cycle began?

    Have you even asked him how he is feeling?
    He might be terrified of the fact that he is about to become the sole income provider for 3 people! And to then call him a sperm donor?
    And you want HIM to go to counselling?
    I suggest you go to counselling by yourself to try and get some insight as to your behaviour.
    Once you sort that out and can offer him a sincere apology where you own up to just being plain and nasty and why you were (no outward blaming , just taking responsibility) then and only then you should suggest couples counselling.
    Because right now you are telling him itís all his fault and that HE needs counselling. Why would he agree to that?

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    What was his initial reaction when you found out you were pregnant?
    His initial reaction was indifferent but so was mine. This entire pregnancy didnít get started off on the right foot. When it was confirmed I cried because we didnít plan it but he did console me and said we would figure everything out.

  3. #23
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    Billie2B,

    Thanks for your response. As far as his behavior in the past from a previous post, his distant behavior is not a personality trait. He was in fact texting other girls but I didnít find out about until 8 or so months later. He became distant, felt in my gut he was talking to someone, did the whole checking the phone thing and he was. After that, he blew up, meaning he bottled up every thing he didnít like about me or resented. Thatís his personality trait. He keeps his feelings about me, negative ones to himself and withdraws any type of communication, interaction, or affection as a type of punishment. While I sit here in the dark wondering what I couldíve been actively doing to change my behavior had I known what was annoying him about me in the past and now in the present of myself and the pregnancy.

    I donít need to be wrapped in cotton wool. I just thought I could share the positives about my pregnancy (which I had, like baby movements, the facts and changes about her as the weeks progressed - in which heís reacted with indifference every time) as well as the negatives with my partner. But the negative were too much apparently. Which I find ironic, as a personality trait he has that is a flaw I could go without is he points out the negatives in any place or situation we are in to the point where Iíve responded multiple times ďOk great, can you tell me something positive about today?Ē.

    I have asked how heís feeling.. He said he is nervous about her coming, when the impending birth will happen. Thatís all he said. He is not and will not be the sole income provider for us. Iím on maternity leave for only 6 weeks and I have money saved for those 6 weeks to continue to pay our bills and my own bills. Iíll be returning to work once that is up.

    Iíve stated here already that I am well aware that I need counseling. My actions and the things I said were unacceptable. Itís true what he says that I donít realize how deeply what I say and what I do impacts him. I donít realize it and I think itís because he shuts down and doesnít say anything so my perception is that he just doesnít care. My perception of him not caring fuels my fire even more to hurt him so that he does care, but obviously it doesnít work that way and itís childish to act that way I do get it. Anyway, I wish he would come out and say ďhey youíre being an a** ,Ē or put me in my place right then and there and not keep it bottled up. It was pulling teeth to have these sit down discussions with him. I never said it was all his fault, we are both responsible for the way this has progressed. So as another poster said, Iím going to focus on getting on with this labor. Iíll look into a counselor after sheís born and hopefully he would want to follow suit too for the sake of our child.
    Last edited by Drea1024; 06-25-2019 at 04:04 AM.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    You both sound immature. You better clean up your acts fast. This baby doesn't deserve having two children for parents. You sound as woman-child as he is a man-child. You are both ruled by your egos and selfishness. If he won't go to couples counseling, it might help seeking individual counseling as you have acknowledged. It would probably be best to start now if possible. You are going through a difficult phase and you need all the support you can get.

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by Clio
    You both sound immature. You better clean up your acts fast. This baby doesn't deserve having two children for parents. You sound as woman-child as he is a man-child. You are both ruled by your egos and selfishness. If he won't go to couples counseling, it might help seeking individual counseling.
    Youíre right. Reading back through all this itís apparent that it is hard for me to let go of my own ego and selfishness/victim mentality. I think Iím right and he thinks heís right. Itís blatantly toxic. Thereís no compromise or in between. Iím definitely going to seek individual counseling, itís been long time overdue for me. Thanks for your response.

  7. #26
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    The good news is it sounds like you are aware (as you keep repeatedly saying to those who are highlighting it here) that your actions and words were destructive. Having just come through a pregnancy (and being postpartum now, when hormones are equally raging but just for different purposes), I can sympathise with the instability you feel while pregnant. I had a tough time physically and mentally during my pregnancy and had to learn a lot of lessons about how to manage my feelings and be less reactionary to just about everyone around me. I will say, however, that no one is allowed to judge you for talking about how uncomfortable the pregnancy makes you physically. Some symptoms during pregnancy can even be signs of dangerous complications, so it's important to talk about what you are feeling with your doctor (and, ideally, partner), both for yourself and your baby.

    Okay, so all that aside, I haven't read your previous thread, but I will say that this relationship does not seem stable on either side and I am guessing this goes back further than the pregnancy. On one hand, I do think that pregnancy can be very difficult for the male partner because he doesn't get the joy of feeling the baby kick/ move and grow for himself (aside from touching your stomach and coming with you to ultrasounds). But in this case, it sounds like your boyfriend is completely checked out, and for the sake of your child you guys need to decide where this relationship is really going.

    As many have already said, therapy is key (for any couple who is facing having their first baby, IMO), but I will also warn you to quit googling about your boyfriend. "Man Child" is not a legit diagnosis. It is a made-up term, usually used to degrade one's boyfriend or husband.

    I hate to go here, but for as difficult as pregnancy is, the newborn phase is 10000000x harder. I never knew what my husband and I were made of until both of us were tag-teaming a screaming baby at 4 AM when literally nothing is working to get her to sleep and I'm still recovering from a two-day labor and stitches. It might be a good idea to write your boyfriend an email or letter (since he does not seem to be reacting to your in-person attempts to discuss this with him) laying out your concerns and asking him to go to a therapist with you NOW before the baby is here. If he really can't do any work with you to resolve things, you should really think about how you want to proceed once baby is here. The unstable environment can get dangerous when you already have a volatile history of fighting and you have to add extra stress and sleep deprivation to the mix. Enlist your support system (family, friends), to make sure you have enough help you need when your little one is here.

    Good luck!!

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by Drea1024
    Billie2B,

    Thanks for your response. As far as his behavior in the past from a previous post, his distant behavior is not a personality trait. He was in fact texting other girls but I didnít find out about until 8 or so months later. He became distant, felt in my gut he was talking to someone, did the whole checking the phone thing and he was. After that, he blew up, meaning he bottled up every thing he didnít like about me or resented. Thatís his personality trait. He keeps his feelings about me, negative ones to himself and withdraws any type of communication, interaction, or affection as a type of punishment. While I sit here in the dark wondering what I couldíve been actively doing to change my behavior had I known what was annoying him about me in the past and now in the present of myself and the pregnancy.

    I donít need to be wrapped in cotton wool. I just thought I could share the positives about my pregnancy (which I had, like baby movements, the facts and changes about her as the weeks progressed - in which heís reacted with indifference every time) as well as the negatives with my partner. But the negative were too much apparently. Which I find ironic, as a personality trait he has that is a flaw I could go without is he points out the negatives in any place or situation we are in to the point where Iíve responded multiple times ďOk great, can you tell me something positive about today?Ē.

    I have asked how heís feeling.. He said he is nervous about her coming, when the impending birth will happen. Thatís all he said. He is not and will not be the sole income provider for us. Iím on maternity leave for only 6 weeks and I have money saved for those 6 weeks to continue to pay our bills and my own bills. Iíll be returning to work once that is up.

    Iíve stated here already that I am well aware that I need counseling. My actions and the things I said were unacceptable. Itís true what he says that I donít realize how deeply what I say and what I do impacts him. I donít realize it and I think itís because he shuts down and doesnít say anything so my perception is that he just doesnít care. My perception of him not caring fuels my fire even more to hurt him so that he does care, but obviously it doesnít work that way and itís childish to act that way I do get it. Anyway, I wish he would come out and say ďhey youíre being an a** ,Ē or put me in my place right then and there and not keep it bottled up. It was pulling teeth to have these sit down discussions with him. I never said it was all his fault, we are both responsible for the way this has progressed. So as another poster said, Iím going to focus on getting on with this labor. Iíll look into a counselor after sheís born and hopefully he would want to follow suit too for the sake of our child.
    So you have known for a long time that he bottles his emotions.
    And knowing that , you, instead of attempting ways to talk to him rationally , you create distance? That Iím sure you realise now doesnít make sense.

    And itís good that you realise that.
    Yes focus on the impending birth , be aware of post natal depression, just be aware.
    Itís hard to become a first time parent and of course harder when the relationship with the father was never good to begin with. But it is what it is. Your priority is your child.

    Best of luck!

  9. #28
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Was this pregnancy unplanned? Were you hoping for more of a commitment by now? Discuss the mood swings with your doctor. Set up an appt with a therapist. Pushing buttons and starting fights is making matters worse for everyone involved.

    If you want things to be over, move back home with your parents and consider raising the child on your own with the help of some child support, social services, child care assistance, food assistance and housing assistance. Either one of you can request a paternity test through the courts so your nasty comment about "sperm donor" is nonsense.

  10. #29
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Was this pregnancy unplanned? Were you hoping for more of a commitment by now? Discuss the mood swings with your doctor. Set up an appt with a therapist. Pushing buttons and starting fights is making matters worse for everyone involved.

    If you want things to be over, move back home with your parents and consider raising the child on your own with the help of some child support, social services, child care assistance, food assistance and housing assistance. Either one of you can request a paternity test through the courts so your nasty comment about "sperm donor" is nonsense.
    Pregnancy was unplanned and I was hoping for interest, questions about the baby, affection, any type of excitement for our baby girl. I donít want things to be over, we just both need to grow up. I will do therapy. My ďsperm donorĒ comment was a low blow out of spite because of the complete disinterest in our child. Yes Iím an a** for saying it and itís not true, heís definitely the father. I just hope he steps up to the plate to actually become her father when sheís here any day now. Thanks for your response.

  11. 06-25-2019, 06:01 AM
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    Unnecessary...Please avoid arguing with the opinion of other members.

  12. #30
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    Originally Posted by Billie28
    So you have known for a long time that he bottles his emotions.
    And knowing that , you, instead of attempting ways to talk to him rationally , you create distance? That Iím sure you realise now doesnít make sense.

    And itís good that you realise that.
    Yes focus on the impending birth , be aware of post natal depression, just be aware.
    Itís hard to become a first time parent and of course harder when the relationship with the father was never good to begin with. But it is what it is. Your priority is your child.

    Best of luck!
    Yes Iíve known that. Iíve attempted 3 times to talk to him but looking back now maybe 2 out of the 3 times it wasnít so rational. Iíve attacked him verbally and thatís not the most constructive way to do it and I can see why heíd retreat more.

    He stated that he wanted the pregnancy, the mood swings and the negativity to be over because itís only going to get harder. I hope postpartum Iíll make it through without any of all of that. And yes priority right now is the baby, we will have to figure us out later. Thank you and to others that have responded with tough love.

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