She just wants to be friends, but actually means it

I recently met a woman via an OLD site. I was really looking forward to meeting her as we have a lot in common and she looked attractive.

I had a perfect storm of things go wrong in my life in the two days prior to meeting her on Tuesday. I had went out of town to visit family for the weekend and my flight got delayed so I didn’t get home until very late Sunday night. I also didn’t get much sleep over the weekend. When I got to work Monday, I was greeted with a dumpster fire which burned for two days. On my commute home, just before the date, I got rear ended by a taxi.

As someone who prides themselves in being reliable, I pushed forward with the date. The woman ended up being great but I was not in a great headspace. I was jittery from all the coffee I had that day trying to work and was still trying to process the fender bender. Unfortunately, I just don’t think I was being myself. I don’t know that I did anything unusual per se, but it def wasn’t the most polished version of me.

I tried to set up another date the next day, expecting to hear nothing back, but she replied saying that she was feeling more of a friend connection but sincerely wanted to be friends as we had a lot in common, emphasizing she just wasn’t saying that just to be polite.

I said I was open to the idea and asked if she still wanted to do the second date activity I suggested and she agreed. Since then, we’ve been texting back and forth.

Honestly, I’m really bummed about what happened the other night. I go on dates all the time and hadn’t met anyone interesting in a while. I know I laid an egg the other night. I know she said she wants to keep it friendly but I can’t help but wonder if she might change her mind if we hang out casually a couple times. A similar situation came up once before and I ended up dating the girl for three years!

My expectations are super low, but I’m having trouble getting out of my head about this. It’s hard to know what she didn’t feel romanticized by. I feel like my pictures online if anything don’t do me justice, most women tell me I look better in person, so it seems unlikely to be physical.

Attraction can be fluid from my experience. Is there anything wrong with hanging out casually a few times to see if things change?

Sure. You have nothing to lose, but I doubt that she decided to friend you based on your behavior. She probably just didn't feel a spark with you, even though she may have had a pleasant time.

But go for it.

It's better to take a chance than to not try at all. If she doesn't change her mind after seeing you once or twice more, though, I wouldn't remain friends. It's not good for your future dating prospects if she asks who your "friend" is, and when you explain you'd wished for more but the lady wasn't into you, it will make a decent woman walk away.

I would not go out after this "date" -- she was clear that she doesn't feel a connection. If you go out more than one more time and you are trying to spark her interest, you are barking up the wrong tree.

You could have called her when your flight was delayed and rescheduled for the next day to be fully yourself or maybe she just was not attracted to you. I would move on to find a woman who is. Honestly, if a guy was a bit distracted on a date, I would take it as a lack of interest or connection, and that was his personality. I would NEXT her and not try to cling on to friendzones. Women don't immediately friendzone people unless they are totally uninterested. I they have even 10% interest and want to do another date just because not everyone is good on a first date, they just see you one more time to decide and either go for a third date or call it quits- they do not friendzone you.

It couldn't hurt to accept her answer and just be friends as long as you don't expect anything more. No sense holding out hopes once you understood her message.

Explain to her that weren't yourself and 'all there' the last time you two met due to the dumpster fire and car accident the day of the date. Even though you apologize, respect her wishes and just be a friend.

Only establish friendship with her if that's all you want and if this is your only intention.

If you seek more than friendship or wish for your friendship to develop into a relationship, forget it. Don't even bother being her male friend otherwise you're setting yourself up for disaster.

She will not change her mind. More truthfully, she may run hot and cold, such as flirty after a few drinks but go back to friendzone when you reciprocate.

Your goal of going for it is bound for drama and disappointment. For one, it ignores a boundary she threw down. For two, it ignores your own goal of pursuing a dating partner.

It isn't her, why waste your time?

Unless you have time and inclination to make friends, hanging out with her is disrespectful to your own goals. You didn't join a friending site. It is disrespectful to her by ignoring her friends characterization.

Tell her it was a great connection, that you are interested in making friends that have relationship potential because it creates a strong foundation. That you understand her comment to mean no relationship potential. And that therefore, maybe better to invest your time elsewhere.

I agree with IAmFCA based on the above.

I'm all for the idea that real friendship can come from online dating. I went on two dates with someone in October, and at the end of the second, almost in conjunction, we were like, "Hey, friends, right?" Can't even remember who said it first. We've been friends since, no bull.

But what you're describing? Being "bummed out" and wanting to see if "hanging casually" might push things to "change"? That's just icky for everyone involved. It's disingenuous and human beings can sniff that out fast. Doesn't smell good, so odds are you get neither an authentic friendship or a potential romance, but a bit of time spend on a little hamster wheel that gets you nowhere closer to the thing you want—in general, or with her.

Frustrating, I know. But if you were cool with what she'd said you just would have gone, "Cool!" Instead you posted here, looking to strategize. I can't see that going well, if I'm being honest.

Sometimes it has nothing to do with you at all and it has more to do with chemistry.

You can be attractive and have a good personality but if the chemistry isn't there for her, it isn't there.

I have been frustrated knowing that someone was a great catch but I felt no spark. It's not one of those things you can predict or can do anything about, unfortunately.

I don't think trying to hang out as friends will work the way you're hoping, OP.

You can try meeting one more time to see if she feels differently, but I wouldn't hold your breath. It probably has less to do with you not being on your best game than her just not feeling a romantic attraction.

She simply wasn’t attracted to you (her taste nothing to do with you) however she realised you are a good guy and thought it might be nice to do date like activities which is what she wants first and foremost.

But no! She won’t change her mind , she is not interested romantically and you are obliging basic wants until she finds someone she is romantically interested in.

I was her once. Nice guy. I wasn’t attracted. I said sorry only interested in friendship.

But really I wasn’t. I did go on a few date like activities which were great. Until he tried to kiss me!!! Even though I clearly said I wasn’t interested from the beginning.

That was the last time I saw him although we do remain social media “friends” .

He is in a serious relationship and he occasionally likes my posts. I couldn’t be happier for him !

That’s it!

Unfortunately, no matter how good or bad a first meet goes, many are one-and-done. This is a nice way for her to say "not interested".

When you have nothing to lose, there's nothing to lose. However, I'd avoid drilling myself into a mental hole to climb out of, or you'll just confirm her feelings with a sad sap vibe of your own making. I'd skip that and view your odds as the same as any other date--either you'll develop mutual chemistry or not. Most people are NOT our match, so it makes no sense to talk yourself into viewing that as anything beyond another's limitations against viewing you through the right lens rather than psyching yourself into viewing it as any deficiency in you.

Be on your own side.

I think you do have something more to lose: your sanity and your wits.

I don't feel it's respectful of you to continue seeing her hoping for something more than friendship when she's clear that she wants to keep it 'friendly'. I understand different people pull out the F word for different reasons in different situations and have different ideas about what 'friendship' means but allowing yourself to hope for more is just not cool. Sorry. I feel that if she does react adversely and if you do wade deeper into those hopeful waters, you'll feel even more down about yourself. Be realistic and meet other people.

Dating can get us down. It's mentally trying and can be emotionally draining if you're not ready. It can even be draining if you are ready but are picking the wrong people to date in the first place (cyclical patterns dating the wrong kinds of people for us). You'll have to work through all that and don't be afraid to take breaks inbetween too.

I think it can work only in the narrow situation where the people meet to do a common interest together. Our friend met his wife on craigslist eons ago -they both loved cycling. Yes he'd been looking to meet people to date. And I suspect strongly she had to. But the expectation was to cycle. And they did. Then developed romantic feelings after. They've been married over 10 years. I know he wasn't looking for romance -or at least not primarily- when he responded. Not sure about her. I do know that they did not go on romantic dates/share romantic feelings right away - it took time.

A similar situation came up once before and I ended up dating the girl for three years!

- it's very rare. In most cases when they want to be friends, it's friends forever. I would date other women. Be friends with her if you want only friends and can date other women. If you pine for this woman, you will be living a life of quiet desperation.

I think you do have something more to lose: your sanity and your wits.

I agree with this if you continue seeing her beyond one more date. Either she loses the friend vibe and can see dating potential after actually spending some good time with you, or she loses you--and it's her loss.

There's no way that I'd continue to play friendlies with anyone I'd rather date romantically. I'd explore one more date to see where things land, if if she's not good match, then next her and move forward to meet more people until you find true simpatico.