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Argument


irka000

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My and my boyfriend had an argument. It was out of nothing. Over the telephone. It started innocently and we both recognised it is going toward wrong direction. I asked us both to stop as it didn't make sense. He agreed but said he is already angry.

He also said his anger doesn't disappear as quick as mine. He offered to end conversation until everyone calm down.

This was Sunday night.

I don't want to reach out as I was the one doing so for last few arguments.

I don't want to play games either but I think maybe I should give him all the space he needs it ?

But how long would that be ??

We were both surprised how quickly things escalated ....I think we had bad days and it haooened. Any other day we would squosh it....

Not sure what to do cause we never not talk after argument longer than one night.

But that is because I called ....

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It sounds like you argue frequently. Are you always arguing about the same thing or are they impulsive emotional fights?

 

It's generally not a good sign for the health of a relationsuup if one person is always responsible for mending hurt feelings after a conflict. You may want to analyze whether you and your partner are equal participants in the relationship and if it's worth continuing with someone who shuts you out after fights.

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I must admit I caused last few arguments ,hence I was the one who made amends.

This time I started with heavy loaded questions and that didn't go well. Bad day for us both. It escalated to a point that I am not sure whose fault is it now.

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Serious arguments like what yours appeared to be are rarely, if ever, about "nothing."

 

They may not be about the specific issue you initially began arguing about there something going on otherwise, you (or he) would be able to just let it go.

 

My guess is it wasn't what you began arguing about but more that he may just be sick of arguing! In general. And is angry because of that.

 

I think you both need to take some space. Don't play the game of who will message first, simply take a few days, think things through, consider whether or not you wish to remain in a relationship where arguments abound, and if you choose to stay, open up the lines of communication and discuss OR if you wish to leave, wish him well and say goodbye.

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I must admit I caused last few arguments. This time I started with heavy loaded questions and that didn't go well.

 

What kinds of questions are we talking about here, irka? Having followed this, I can't help but imagine they might have been either directly or indirectly an attempt to gauge how "into this" he is.

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I must admit I caused last few arguments ,hence I was the one who made amends.

This time I started with heavy loaded questions and that didn't go well. Bad day for us both. It escalated to a point that I am not sure whose fault is it now.

 

irka, I am sorry to say this but it really appears as if he's had enough.

 

Such heavy loaded questions do eventually get old to the other person; I was not there so can't know for sure, but again, my feeling is he is just done.

 

May I ask what prompts you to cause these arguments, and ask such heavy loaded questions?

 

Do you not feel secure in the relationship, and if not, why? Do you blame him for your insecurity?

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Instead of pushing for answers and wanting to communicate with him right away or right now it might be a good idea to use this time and reflect on what triggered those bursts of frustration between the both of you. It is ok to argue and arguments in and of themselves are not always bad. It helps us understand each other as individuals and not everyone is always composed. That's human. What isn't healthy is allowing the same patterns to happen over and over.

 

If you do know what causes these fights whether it's a bad mood, bad timing in the day speaking on the phone, underlying and ongoing issues, that's really up to you to think about and reflect. You both should be coming together to speak about it and learning from these. Try and come together as a couple and strive to understand each other better.

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We don't argue a lot....once a month maybe ? I don't calculate...I asked if he was upset with me as I sensed he was a bit different. He said he wasn't but I was still pushing....and we started argue. Silly as hell.

He got upset and we both became very cold for one another

I am worried that he is indeed done with me.

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We don't argue a lot....once a month maybe ? I don't calculate...I asked if he was upset with me as I sensed he was a bit different. He said he wasn't but I was still pushing....and we started argue. Silly as hell.

He got upset and we both became very cold for one another

I am worried that he is indeed done with me.

 

What has contributed to you thinking he feels differently?

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Am I the only one who remembers this poster vividly?

 

This one’s pretty easy to cut straight to the chase…

 

Wiseman, you are right...I think I need a professional help. It is not normal to be worried about things like this....I am overly insecure. Why ? No idea, maybe because I was extremely overweight since childhood until a few years ago....maybe in my mind I still look the same?

I feel like his female friend is better than me....can you imagine?

That he would rather reveal things to her than to me.... although I have no evidence that this is the case.

He told me long time that questions will not change much. If someone wants to do something, he will do. I agree. So perhaps I won't be asking him about it.

I will be seeking some professional help as I always ruin things with my insecurities and anxiety.

I think he is the most balanced and emotionally healthy man I ever been with it. It is me who is damaged.

 

What’s the follow up?

 

If you did nothing and continued to let your anxiety run the show ok... you have space right now, perfect time, you only get so many warnings and wake up calls.

 

It’s time to put your words into action.

 

We are an incredibly temporary fix.

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Am I the only one who remembers this poster vividly?

 

This one’s pretty easy to cut straight to the chase…

 

Irka, can we just get real here?

 

This thing between you guys has been a powder keg since Thailand. Best I can tell, from your posts, is that the top blows a bit every 3-4 weeks and that your dominant sensation inside this relationship is panic and insecurity occasionally offset by comfort and lust. If I can sense that, from this forum, I can only imagine he's feeling it all the time.

 

I get that the peanut gallery here at ENA provides the occasional dose of comfort for you, but this is no way to live out there in the wilds of IRL.

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Ok... so I’m a woman - so please don’t take this as a sexist comment or dismissive of your feelings... but you argue about once a month? Does it align with your cycle, by chance?

 

I’m only asking because for me - PMS is a real thing. I’m definitely a hot mess a couple of days before my period - and I definitely feel more insecure, question everything more, feel deeply offended by things, etc. at that time. I never used to be that way... but in recent years, it has intensified. To the point now where - since I’m usually a level-headed person - if I start to feel deeply offended by something, I check the calendar before I say something 😳

 

If you’re having cyclical insecurities that only seem to pop up every 3-4 weeks... I mean... I’m just throwing it out there.

 

Why not give it 3-4 days so you can sit on the issue and see how you feel about it? It sounds like the two of you could use some space to reflect anyways...

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Hi irka, regardless of whether your anxiety stems from your monthly cycle, or from someplace else, you need to learn to manage your anxiety versus "burdening" him with it, and I mean burden quite literally.

 

It's not fair to throw all that on him, even if it's once a month.

 

I am wondering, I did take a peek at your previous threads and remember them.

 

Given all the anxiety, insecurity and unease you feel, may I ask why you are still choosing to remain?

 

This can't possibly be fun for you, even if it is only once a month.

 

I just recently felt a pang of anxiety/uncertainty in my relationship, and have a thread currently running about it. I think you may have even responded to it, with some very kind words -- thank you. xx

 

Anyway, I don't like feeling this way and am taking the time to consider whether or not the relationship is right for me, whether he is the right fit for me even though I love him to pieces!

 

I don't want to leave, it will hurt me deeply to leave, but I also love myself and this anxiety, this uncertainty, well it just sucks I cannot live in a relationship feeling this way. No one should, including you. As blue said, this is no way to live out there in the wilds of IRL.

 

I don't know what will happen with us, but at least I am taking the time to consider my options, the path that is right for me.

 

I think you should take this time apart to do the same.

 

Best of luck whatever decision you choose.

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Heavily loaded questions are questions that will never have the right response no matter what the response.

So why ask them???

You were essentially cornering him.

What does any innocent animal do when cornered? Attack in order to defend.

But you wanted him to roll over like a puppy!? He didn’t. And now you are wondering what to do???

 

Yes you have got to wait and see if and when he decides to crawl out of the corner.

It might be to come to you or escape you.

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All you can do is let the dust settle and stay no contact.

My partner has a very close female friend who had no idea about me until a few days ago. I feel like Saturday night sounds more like a date than catching up with friend.I am concerned she may wants to be more than a friend.

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To play the Devil's Advocate card, I have to admit that I can see his side.

 

I take a long time to blow, and when I do, it takes me days to feel back to normal - and it takes a certain kind of pushing from the other person to get me there. If someone is consistently blowing up at me or making comments that are bound to intentionally lead to a fight, and we wind up fighting, I take a lot of space after. I won't ignore that person, but I will surely pull back the reigns. Why? Not to "play games," but to protect myself from yet another unnecessary confrontation. There is a time and a place and when people can't be mature enough to pick their battles and deal with them w/ me in a constructive way, to me it feels bordering on abusive. At a certain point, the "space" will become the end. If you haven't already, please do seek some counselling to handle your negative emotions in a healthier way before you damage more of your interpersonal relationships and continue the cycle that already has hurt you so often in the past. Just recognising your pattern is not enough. You need to do the work to fix it.

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Heavily loaded questions are questions that will never have the right response no matter what the response.

So why ask them???

You were essentially cornering him.

What does any innocent animal do when cornered? Attack in order to defend.

But you wanted him to roll over like a puppy!? He didn’t. And now you are wondering what to do???

 

Yes you have got to wait and see if and when he decides to crawl out of the corner.

It might be to come to you or escape you.

 

This is a good way to look at what anxiety and insecurity does to relationships if you won't resolve it on your own, preferably with a therapist. It's a continual setup to drag your partner into the mud. If he sticks around to tolerate it, you'll just view that as a green light to keep doing it until he's had enough and cuts you off.

 

A partner is NOT a therapist. He cannot fill a bottomless pit, he cannot 'prove' a negative, and he can never assure you enough. That's your job, and if you do your job, you'll gain a completely different perspective about staying involved with anyone who behaves in ways that are intolerable to you.

 

Skip nagging him, and start fixing yourSELF. You will thank yourself later, regardless of outcomes.

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Be honest with yourself irka... this argument was not out of “nothing”... in the last 6 months you have posted a number of times that you let your anxiety get out of control and how it cause problems in the relationship.

 

I wonder as the others do whether you have taken any time in the last 6 months to work on yourself with a therapist or other therapeutic treatment.

 

I also wonder if this is the relationship for you... while I definitely get anxiety in the context of relationships, I know that if it’s hitting that extreme level it’s time to evaluate whether this is the relationship for me.

 

Food for thought.

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