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Thread: Caught My Boyfriend Watching Porn While I Was in the Other Room

  1. #1

    Caught My Boyfriend Watching Porn While I Was in the Other Room

    Last night, my boyfriend (24M) watching porn while I was in the other room doing my hair. He was supposed to be studying for his 2 tests that he had the next day, so I thought it was a perfect time to dye my roots and allow him to focus. I went into the other room to show him my progress, and walked into to him browsing a bunch of porn videos. He quickly closed the tab and acted like nothing was wrong. I asked him what he was watching and he said YouTube videos. I blatantly saw that his screen was filled with naked people. so I walked right back into the other room. I told him that I wanted to be alone for a while because I was extremely hurt.
    We have been together for 2 1/2 years, living together for 1 1/2. About a year ago I talked about how I donít like porn and that I donít think he should be getting off while looking at other women. If he wouldnít do it in person, he shouldnít be doing it on the computer, in my opinion. I donít look up naked guys to look at, because they donít interest me in the slightest. I am only interested in my own man. During this conversation he said that it makes sense and he wouldnít do it again. So I am very hurt that he lied to me and has continued to watch porn. I specifically told him how offensive it is to me to be in a committed relationship but watch other naked women. It doesnít make sense to me. I have sent him hundreds of nude pictures of myself and we have around 20 intimate videos of us together. If he was so horny why wouldnít he watch those? And why wouldnít he want to have sex with ME when I was literally in the other room? You donít need to be looking at naked strangers to get off.
    I was deeply upset last night, and I still am today. He did talk to me about it and apologize, but he says that all guys do it so itís okay. He wasnít understanding my point that itís not okay to look at other women like that! I told him that it is a huge deal to me, and that it is not okay in a relationship. Our sex life is not bad, we have sex 3-5 times a week. So I do not understand why he is turning to porn when I am basically always down for it. When I told him that it is not acceptable and that I would not want to continue a relationship if he continued to watch it, he said that he canít change who he is. He said that he would rather not be with me than to change his ways. Obviously, I am completely heartbroken to hear that. I am hurt that he would rather look at other women when I am naked basically whenever I am at home. I am hurt that he lied to me. I am hurt that my trust in him has been broken. I already have had trust issues from the way our relationship started, and have gotten way better. But this is a step back for me. The fact that he is doing it in secret when he told me he wouldnít really hurts.
    Am I overreacting? I wouldnít even think to look at another guy besides him, because he is all I want. My heart hurts that that is not the same for him. Please help.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member
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    Here is a good article that outlines many of the points I would have made: [Register to see the link]

    I'll add that males do tend to be more reactive to visual stimuli than females, and that "new" visual stimuli tends to be more exciting than looking at the same thing repeatedly. So don't take the fact that he didn't go find one of your nude photos to use as a sign that he somehow doesn't think you are attractive.

    It's also pretty true that most guys look at porn. It's very uncommon for a guy not to - even when they are in a relationship. The fact that he initially said he would stop and then didn't shows his immaturity coming and going. He may have thought he really could stop (for many men it gets to be the level of an addiction) or he may have just thought he wouldn't get caught again. And come on, jerking off instead of studying while you're in the other room? The only good part of your story is that he is honest now that he will probably not stop.

    If you have trust issues outside of the porn that is kind of another issue, although it sounds like they might play a part. Where do those trust issues come from?

  3. #3
    Platinum Member SGH's Avatar
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    If you are having sex 3-5 times a week, I think your insecurity is unjustified. Masturbation and watching porn fills a different sexual need than having sex with a partner does. In my opinion, as long as the habit does not interfere with one's ability to please their partner, it's totally normal and healthy.

    Your choice to not watch porn and/or to not masturbate is a personal decision that you get to make about your body. Your boyfriend is entitled to make choices about what he does with his own body. Masturbating may have been a nice way to release some stress and take a short break from studying before getting back into the material without having to worry about someone else's needs. Sex can frankly take some time and feel like work, especially in a long-term relationship.

    At the end of the day, you need to accept that men will look at other women and sometimes even think about them sexually. It does not mean that your boyfriend doesn't love you or wants these women in real life. Try to understand and accept your boyfriend for as he is or you may push him sway.

  4. #4
    Saluk,
    Thank you for your insight. I am still so hurt that he would rather jerk off while looking at other naked women, than have sex with me. Originally, our relationship started as an affair, which is where my trust issues started. Since he was willing to leave a marriage for me, I have been worried that he will find someone better and leave me too. As time has passed, I have had time to grow and be less insecure about that, but it is still a concern for me, just not as pressing as it used to be. I have seen how dedicated he is to me. To find out that he was lying about this, when I told him how important it was for me to not watch it, really makes me confused.

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  6. #5
    Hello SGH,
    I appreciate your response. I have no problem with masturbation at all! I think it is completely healthy. And you are right, it is nice for when you donít want to worry about pleasing your partner, since that can be a little more time consuming. But that is why we have made plenty videos and I have sent him a plethora of nudes, so that he can have those for that purpose. The fact that he is pleasing himself while looking at other women is what is deeply conflicting to me.
    In a monogamous relationship I donít see how itís acceptable to be looking at other people like that? Maybe I am completely wrong here, but it just blows my mind!

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Trinity11's Avatar
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    Guys watch porn.
    Doesn't mean he wants to be with the girls in the video or that he loves you any less.
    You were busy doing your hair and he was procrastinating because honestly sometimes study sucks and any kind of procrastination is a good way to avoid the hard work in front of you for 5 mins (not going to lie, I've done it myself and I am a girl). The fact that he chose to do it at the time you were busy, shows he knows that it would have upset you and was trying NOT to upset you, because honestly its a big ask of you. Yes overreacting.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    You're probably not going to like this at all but I feel like your insecurity is very deep and this is more about control over another person. If I'm understanding you correctly, you want him not to watch it but that's not who he is. He's trying to be what you want but you're not seeing him or accepting what he wants. Have you ventured perhaps asking yourself why you feel so adverse to porn in general?

    I'm a woman, mind you, and I find it useful and entertaining even. I'm not in the slightest bit offended by it and actually celebrate it in all its hilarity and kink. I've also developed some strong views regarding safe sex and consensual sex but it doesn't mean it inhibits me from viewing different types of porn either. I also think of myself as strongly feminist in my views and absolutely vault autonomy of self in every aspect of my life. I do believe in the strength of choice and that everyone deserves to make their own choices.

    Obviously no woman in my life has ever spoken openly about porn before with me and I've developed my views and interests here and there on my own. You should try to deconstruct why you feel porn is a threat to your relationship or the way you see yourself in the relationship. You've mentioned several times, indicating that you feel you are competing and failing to compete successfully against it (walking around naked, being sexually available all the time and yet this is happening to you). There is something about porn that automatically revokes your sense of power or autonomy as a person. Why? It's good to ask these difficult questions and you shouldn't feel ashamed or less of a human being. Your concerns are valid but I'd encourage you to unveil or unpack why porn triggers these intense emotions for you.

  9. #8
    Hey Trinity11,
    Thanks for taking the time to respond.The only reason I was doing my hair was to give him space to study. He was only studying for about 30 minutes before I came in. I am always down for sex, even just a quickie, so Iím hurt that he would rather turn to porn than to have sex with me when I was literally in the next room! I think it is so offensive that he was looking at other girls while I was in the same room.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member SGH's Avatar
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    Thanks for not being defensive towards the responses. I know it's tough to hear other's opinions on this subject when you feel strongly the other way.

    The fact that your relationship started as an affair is very informative and explains why you feel insecure in the relationship. There tends to be an unhealthy amount of possessiveness in relationships that start through cheating, because there is that understanding that they may do it to you as well (and that you will have to go through the same pain that you caused another woman). Fact is, you can't control whether your partner cheats on you any more than you can control his bodily choices. Expecting him to only masturbate to thoughts or images of you is totally unreasonable. Reality is what it is and you will have to decide whether you accept it or not.

    For the record, though, most men hate arguing about their masturbation habits, and you fighting with him about this topic is not going to decrease the chance he will cheat on you in real life.

  11. #10
    Hey Rose,
    I appreciate your in depth response, and that you took the time to read my post. I do not think it is okay to be looking at other women, especially when I am in the room next to him. Porn doesnít make someone who they are.
    I agree, it doesnít seem like porn is talked about enough.The concept of porn doesnít bother me. If it is filmed with two consenting individuals, and no one is being exploited I think it is fine! Sex work is real work in my opinion, and I support anyone who chooses to do it. What bothers me is that he wants to look at other women. If you are in a committed relationship with someone, I donít think you should be checking out other people in real life or on the internet. That is where my problem comes from. With all the responses, I feel very isolated. I donít understand why he would want to look at other people when he tells me how beautiful I am or how hot my body is. I feel like Iím not enough

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