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Thread: Caught My Boyfriend Watching Porn While I Was in the Other Room

  1. #21
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by veryhurt0206
    Originally, our relationship started as an affair, which is where my trust issues started. Since he was willing to leave a marriage for me, I have been worried that he will find someone better and leave me too.
    This is, and will likely always be, the crux of any problems with this guy. Targeting the porn is just a diversion. You took a front row seat to witness BF's capacity for disloyalty, and you probably enjoyed your 'win' for about 5 minutes before it occurred to you that you've been promoted from the one who he was disloyal 'with' to the one who he'll eventually be disloyal 'to'.

    If you want to view the porn as a confirmation of this, then you can do that. But it only exchanges one threat for another, and it sets you up as the relationship police--which is a really unsexy role and will wear you both down over time.

    You might want to try learning whether BF is invested enough to attend couples counseling with you. I would NOT frame it as a corrective measure about HIS behavior, or he'll just view it as an attempt to bring in reinforcements to gang up against him. That's not exactly enticing, so I'd frame it instead as a way to support ME in overcoming MY insecurities.

    Personally, I doubt counseling is where I'd want to spend my time and money, because the likelihood of overcoming the dishonest foundation of this thing is slim, on top of the guy rebounding from his marriage straight into a leapfrog with you. That combo plate increases the likelihood that BF will tell you, at some point, what a great person you are, but he really should have taken some time to be on his own as a single--and now he needs to go do that to 'find himself'.
    Last edited by catfeeder; 06-25-2019 at 08:56 AM.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member indea08's Avatar
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    OP, I totally get where youíre coming from, because I once felt that way too. After having gone through it and moved past it, I have to tell you, youíre making something out of nothing. Hear me out.

    At the time, I absolutely hated the idea of the guy I was with finding pleasure in other women. Like to the point that I quit watching movies with him because most of them have nudity and it was always females that were nude. Heíd always have something to say, even as simple as an ďohh la laĒ every. single. time. And I despised it. I felt like a crazy girlfriend, but I could not change the way I felt about it.

    It took a long time, like years, before I was able to look back and understand why I felt that way. That guy did NOTHING to ever make me feel secure. As often as heíd enjoy me or do something that made me happy, heíd also do or say things that made me feel insecure. I never felt loved the way I wanted to feel loved. So because of that, any bit of his pleasure that revolved around a woman who wasnít me, felt like a huge slap in the face, a big threat. And again, these realizations were all in hindsight.

    Fast forward several years. Now Iím married to a man who makes me feel so loved and secure. He does so many little things everyday that show me how much he loves me. I know I donít ever have to be afraid of losing him. Now that I have that kind of security, Iím able to be more adventurous sexually. I like porn. He likes porn. We have watched it together. Weíve wondered if maybe 10 years from now after a decade of sex with one person, maybe weíll venture into mixing it up a bit. None of it is a threat because I KNOW where his heart is. None of it changes the way we love each other.

    I bet if youíre honest with yourself, and really think about what kind of marriage you want to be in someday, youíll find the areas where this relationship falls short. Iím not saying itís something you guys canít fix if you really communicate and work on it, but first you have to at least identify where your insecurities are and what things youíre missing that you need to feel loved.

    Donít let porn be the hill you die on. Work on the relationship and the rest will fall by the wayside. Or, recognize the things youíre missing, and free yourself to find them with the right man who makes you feel secure.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member LC8328's Avatar
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    So as usual everyone has given great advice. I love the regulars on here <3

    Catfeeder and indea in particular have responses that I can resonate with and I will pass that on to you, OP.

    I was that way with my ex BF. Granted we both had issues. I was controlling and he, as he put it, was "addicted to women." It seemed that all he could think about was porn and he'd leave it around my apartment for my young child to find. And gods help me I tried to fix that relationship. I tried buying him magazines to enjoy, etc. But being much older now and looking back at that relationship, I just smh.

    As indea indicated in her own post, that ex BF did very little to make me feel secure in my relationship with him. Even though we had been together for 5 years, he told me once - ONE TIME only - that I was beautiful. He wasn't a bad person. He just had more issues and negativity in his personality than I was willing to put up with. We were destined to fail.

    Now let's talk about you. You're having a healthy amount of sex with your BF, yet he is not helping you feel secure, is he? The whole 'no porn' thing seems to be a non-negotiable topic for you. Now if that's the case - if you can't compromise on this subject - then you're going to have to admit to yourself that this relationship will not work. Take it from me, as someone who was once with a guy who was "addicted to women." You'll overcome this insecurity when you overcome him.

    When you find someone who has a slightly different view on porn - you'll see the difference.

    I do disagree with you that a person in a relationship should never view porn. But that's neither here nor there. The crux of the matter is that you and your BF will never truly see eye-to-eye on this, and this seems to be a matter of great importance to you both. Realistically you will have to either lose the idea of 'no porn,' or him. I vote for the latter.

  4. #24
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    Guys masturbate to porn. That's just how they do it, especially in this day and age where it's so readily available. It has nothing to do with how they feel about anyone else. Perhaps you could liken it to a woman's vibrator. It's just what she uses. But it's a severed penis in a drawer, not their boyfriend's. ;) It's not right or wrong, but it's something that some people have a need to do. Whether or not he respects your feelings on it is something else. Maybe the two of you can reach a compromise. If he is being honest with you that he won't stop, then maybe the two of you can agree that he only does that when you're not around. But he told you he won't stop and if it's something you can't accept then you should assess whether or not you should continue taking the relationship seriously based on whether or not he can respect your feelings about it. It's never worth compromising on something that you know you won't be able to live with. Your views on the subject have every bit as much of merit and value as his do. He was honest with you about where he stands and you should do the same. If you don't trust him, that's a much more fundamental issue. It's what lies at the foundation of a good relationship. If you lose that, there's really nothing else of value to compromise about. This is what you should be really honest with yourself about. We all deserve to have a love based in honor. Anyone who doesn't honor you or you don't find honorable is not the one you deserve.

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by veryhurt0206
    Hello SGH,
    I appreciate your response. I have no problem with masturbation at all! I think it is completely healthy. And you are right, it is nice for when you donít want to worry about pleasing your partner, since that can be a little more time consuming. But that is why we have made plenty videos and I have sent him a plethora of nudes, so that he can have those for that purpose. The fact that he is pleasing himself while looking at other women is what is deeply conflicting to me.
    In a monogamous relationship I donít see how itís acceptable to be looking at other people like that? Maybe I am completely wrong here, but it just blows my mind!
    Would you want to watch the same movie or TV show over and over hundreds of times? Now apply that same logic to watching porn. Guys are visual. What I look at directly determines if I'm horny or not. Regardless of how attractive you are he's gonna want to look at something different when he's taking care of business by himself... That's just the way it is. Very prudish of you in my opinion for you to expect otherwise.

    So long as it isn't replacing your sex life or his ability to function in your relationship I think you're overreacting. Think if it this way. What if he told you that when you masturbate you can only think of him. Ever. Would you think that's ok?

    Now replace what you think/ fantasize about with what he's looking at.... It's the same thing.

    As long as he isn't interacting with another real life female let it slide. Ie no webcams, phone sex, sexting etc.

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