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Thread: Caught My Boyfriend Watching Porn While I Was in the Other Room

  1. #11
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I understand you're hurting, and for that I'm sorry.

    That said, do I think you're overreacting? Yes, big time. People masturbate to pornography, men and women. It has nothing to do with fidelity or monogamy, and I think that's where you're a little twisted up. In part, at the risk of sounding patronizing, because you're still pretty young, and in part, I think, because of how your relationship started. You seem eager to test his fidelity, to have him be not just faithful but superfaithful to the point where every orgasm, even self-induced, is a celebration of his commitment to you.

    That is a lot to ask of another human being.

    If you're having sex with someone 3-5 times a week after being together for 2.5 yearsómy god! Pop a bottle of champagne, because that right there is rarer than you know and, generally speaking, a sign of a very healthy relationship. Means your dude wants you. Good stuff. You know what else is a good sign of sexual health? Masturbation, be it to a flower blooming in a meadow, a video of your wife or husband, or some streaming fantasy.

    That said, I can't give you an injection to make you think and feel about this differently in the moment. If this is a hard boundary for youówell, time to walk away and search for a man who fits your mold. Because trying to mold someone into someone they're notónever good. You want to be a girlfriend, not a policewoman, just as he wants to be a boyfriend, not a criminal.

    If I was a betting man, I would put $10,000 on the idea that, three to six years from now, you won't think about porn in the way you do now. You'll know it's something your man looks at and, who knows, maybe it's something you've gotten into a bit too. Will it be the same man? Probably not, because that's often how these things go, sadly.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I'm sorry you're feeling isolated. I'm not sure if this helps but I'm married (very happily married and we are very much on the same page with the same views). Yes, I agree more women should come forward and not feel ashamed to voice their opinions on this topic. You shouldn't have to feel antagonized or in pain because of your partner's lack of honesty. If anything, I think he isn't being completely honest with you and he may be afraid to based on how strong your emotions are and how upset you become. This doesn't help a situation that's already teetering on broken trust.

    I do feel you might do better trying to uncover why you feel this way in this relationship. I have felt before (prior to my marriage in other relationships) very insecure over other things that never should have even been an issue. It was because of so many trust issues that were there to start. I hope your boyfriend is more honest with you going forward. If this isn't a safe space for you to feel like yourself or if you feel like something more than just this is a little off (there are trust issues or other issues), this isn't a healthy relationship.

  3. #13
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    Hey SGH,
    I greatly appreciate that people are giving me their honest opinions. I am trying to be open minded since that is essential in problem solving! My insecurity was very horrible when we were first together, to the point where I didnít even like him talking to other girls. I realized that that is incredibly possessive and toxic behavior, and I have learned from my errors, and have been much better since we started living together.
    I have worked very hard to accept the fact you mentioned, that if someone is going to cheat, they will, and thatís not something you can control. That has been very freeing to me and I havenít had much stress about it since accepting that.

    That is my other problem though, because (TMI warning) whenever I feel the need, I only think of him or watch our videos. Maybe thatís weird, but thatís just me. I know I am expecting to much from him by wanting him to think only of me, so how do I change that?
    I know saying ďstop watching it or Iím goneĒ is the wrong route to go, since that will just lead to more secrecy. This isnít acceptable to me personally though, so I donít know how else to go about it.

  4. #14
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    Hello Rose,
    Thank you again for a kind and thoughtful response. You made a very good point that he may have just hid it from me because heís worried about upsetting me. I do tend to get very emotional and my opinions are very strong, so I see that I should work on being more welcoming and understanding. I also notice that I do get insecure over little things at times, and that is something I need to work on to make him more comfortable as well. Looking back, most of those concerns donít make any sense. Thank you for giving me your insight and for helping me to realize that I need to look a little deeper into myself and my problems. I do recognize that I have a lot of room for growth. Thank you.

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  6. #15
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    Hello bluecastle,
    I really appreciate you taking the time to respond, and to give me a different perspective. You are right, I shouldnít expect him to always be thinking about me, but do I have a right to be hurt that heís looking at other women? That is what pains me.
    I am completely fine with masturbation, but not the idea of him pleasing himself while looking at a naked stranger.
    It is a big deal to me, and I know I canít say ďstop watching it, or Iím doneĒ because that will just lead to more lies, and I also donít want to be manipulative or controlling. Like you said, Iím his girlfriend and I donít want to be someone heís constantly worried about upsetting.
    Youíre right, my views can change, but right now it is something that is very upsetting to me and something I donít agree with. I donít know how to go about it now.

  7. #16
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    It is pretty difficult in modern times to be "completely fine with masturbation" but not "the idea of pleasing himself while looking at a naked stranger". For most men who were 12 in the post internet era, those two things are the same thing. Whether the story is "boy finds porn. boy finds masturbation" or "boy finds masturbation. boy finds porn." those two things tend to follow each other. Your BF is 24. He's been looking at naked women who aren't you. Constantly. For 12 years. Half his life.

    You said something about only thinking of him when you masturbate. Well, that's how you masturbate. Which is pretty common for woman. This may be a bit reductive (not ALL woman are this way). But what turns you on most is the emotional connection, and the idea of maintaining that emotional connection through sex. (It helps to masturbate if you are turned on, no?)

    Guys (again, reductive, but at least your BF fits in this mold) aren't as turned on by the emotional side. It's more mechanical. It's more visual. You shouldn't feel like you don't measure up. He's not thinking about actually being with these women - it's total fantasy, for the purposes of getting off.

    There may be issues with his porn use - porn abuse can be a thing. Most likely though, his use is typical. There may also be issues with your relationship, and your focus on this issue is actually masking those real issues. It also sounds like your insecurities are still there, you have just been finding ways to get around them or to cope.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Snny's Avatar
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    Last night, my boyfriend (24M) watching porn while I was in the other room doing my hair. He was supposed to be studying for his 2 tests that he had the next day,
    PAUSE.
    So not just one test, but TWO on the same day. Heís got high amount of stress, and you blow off on him?

    Masturbation is a stress relief for some people. And probably one of the main reasons he is looking at a random naked chick rather than you home video collection, is to not associate with relationship ties. In other words, he just doesnít want to think about anything he can relate with that could trigger his stress levels. He wants a quick instant relief - not to worry about pleasing his girlfriend so he can orgasm.

    I have sent him hundreds of nude pictures of myself and we have around 20 intimate videos of us together. If he was so horny why wouldnít he watch those?
    Here is a harsh piece of reality that youíre gonna have to realize and learn to let go:

    You will never fulfill all of your partnerís fantasies. Period.

    You maybe great at sex, are just damn sexy, and have fantastic intimacy, but each or one of you will has some kinks that may never be matched by your partner. Ever. That is a fact of life, and it is perfectly ok as long as it does not ruin the intimacy of a relationship. For example, my husband likes watching threesomes (I am not a c*k) while I am bisexual and physically attracted to some women. Those needs will never be met by each other, but they donít take a high priority in satisfying our marriage.

    I already have had trust issues from the way our relationship started,
    So why are you still with him? You cannot change a person. Donít try to police their masturbation habits because you will instantly lose that battle.

    Good chat.

  9. #18
    Gold Member leseine7's Avatar
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    I like Snny's take. But I do want to know a little more about the trust issues - has there been a trend of unfaithfulness or lying in the relationship?

    I'm going to be very honest: I watch porn. I'm female. This isn't just a male-driven thing.
    I'm also incredibly turned on by my husband, have a wonderful, fulfilling sex life with him, and don't find the men in the videos more attractive than him. What i"m usually looking at are the mechanics of it, if that makes sense. It's fun to think about things that would be exciting to me in my sex life with my husband by watching a video or two of a bunch of strangers carrying them out.

    It's also 100% about me - not him - and in our relationship he is the one who never watches porn. I have since I was pretty young, along with reading erotic stories and letting my imagination go wild. I've never once cheated on a boyfriend I was with or even toyed with the boundaries.

    That said, if my husband asked me not to watch porn, I would be honest with him if I did. For me, the issue isn't the porn itself. I think you have heard enough responses here to understand that the overwhelming majority do not feel that your boyfriends' porn watching has anything to do with you or your sex life, case closed. Obviously, none of us can speak for him, and none of us can tell you NOT to be hurt or take it personally, but you can see (hopefully) that many people explore their sexuality independent of their partner from time to time without being unfaithful.

    The issue here is the trust, and the fact that your boyfriend feels like he has to hide it from you/ lie to you. When someone lies about anything it automatically makes it feel a lot more suspicious than if they were to just straight up say "hey, look, I know you don't like that I watch porn but sometimes it helps me feel a lot more relaxed than sex itself does." or something. If he explained it to you that way, would you feel better about it?

    If not, I would urge you to explore a little bit about what the real problem is. If he explains that he doesn't WANT the other women but it's just a release for him, can you accept that, or is this about something bigger or a fear you have that it will somehow lead to him being with other women? Because I think it's clear that the real problem is feeling like this somehow undermines you and your sex life with him.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It is interesting that you started out in a non-monogamous situation having and affair and now all of a sudden you believe watching porn is cheating when in fact he was cheating in real life with you. It should be clear to you that one woman will never be enough for him. Feel glad all he is doing is looking...at least for now.

    The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. This is not about porn or naked. This is about knowing he'll cheat again and it's a matter of when not if.
    Originally Posted by veryhurt0206
    our relationship started as an affair, which is where my trust issues started.
    In a monogamous relationship I donít see how itís acceptable to be looking at other people like that?

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Cope's Avatar
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    I'm pretty sure most people don't watch porn because they find the people on it attractive, at least I don't. It's just an expansion of masturbation, a tool.

    And also, women watch porn too. But. Women have been shamed about it for decades and only the younger generations of women are more open about it. I do think that maybe that has played a role in your beliefs about porn.

    Watching porn could only be a problem if it absorbs most of a person's time. I've been with a guy like that, whenever he wasn't working, he was on a porn site, h*ll, he even had it playing in the background. Now that was a problem.

    As to porn itself, I do have issues though. What worries me is the way they portray women and such, but that's a story for another thread.

    That said, if it's a deal breaker for you, then it's a deal breaker. I don't think you can change his mind and I don't think it's fair either. If you can't find yourself open to changing your mind about it, then I advise you to leave, and I'm wholeheartedly with you on that.

    Also, the fact that you were in an affair with him prior to your relationship is definitely helping with your insecurities (I find it mostly unrelated to porn though). Chances are he is going to cheat again. I don't want to be cruel, there is a chance he won't, but I'd believe that only if he had never cheated on his wife before you and in previous relationships.

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