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Thread: Should I stay in this relationship? Need perspective

  1. #1
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    Should I stay in this relationship? Need perspective

    My boyfriend and I (both mid thirties) have been dating for eight months. We recently moved in together. He told me his last three long term relationships ended because he cheated. He has learned form his mistakes, and said they were all amazing, beautiful girls, and that the only reason these relationships ended was because of his cheating. I trust that he wont do it again, because he deeply regrets it. He's told me I was "the one" and I asked what makes him think that - I showed my insecurity by asking if he said that because he loves me more than he's ever loved anyone. He said he did not love me more, and that his exes were also the one, but that it hadn't worked out with them because of him. He said every relationship is special and unique, that he doesn't compare and that I am not better or prettier than any of his exes, and that his feelings for me are not stronger or deeper than they were in his past relationships. This deeply hurt me, and while I appreciate his honesty, I wonder if this is normal. A big part of me wonders why he's with me if that's how he feels - i'm worried he's with me by default. Please help give me some perspective./
    Last edited by Jenn715; 06-24-2019 at 02:43 PM.

  2. #2
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    I think you are focusing on the wrong facts.
    Its okay to have felt a prior gf/bf was "the one" at the time while you were in a relationship with them.
    But to tell a woman - even if its true that she is "no prettier or better" than his exes - TACKY.

    I think you moved way too fast if you are moving in after only 8 months. You have not addressed what made you do that.
    You do not want to be the first person someone "practices" on to see if they are cured.
    He did not cheat one time, learn, have a few relationships that did not work out for other reasons (they decided after dating a little that they were simply not a match or wanted different things), and then meet you. He cheated THREE TIMES. So basically ALL significant relationships have ended for him because of HIM.

    I think that he is warning you loud and clear what to expect from him. He might not cheat, but don't be surprised. You are also very insecure and when you are, that attracts men who feed into that. You will always be looking over your shoulder wondering if someone he likes better will come along.

    I really think you should not stay because you moved too fast, this guy has an awful track record.
    I predict that he will cross boundaries with other women even if he doesn't actually cheat and will use your insecurities against you "remember, i told you i won't cheat. It was just coffee/it was only a compliment"

    I suggest getting your own place, leaving and doing things to bolster your confident - like volunteering with a group that makes a difference for others, perhaps Toastmasters, counseling, etc, or a sport that gives you confidence.

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    This is a character issue. He did not cheat once, but three times. He has shown you who he is. When did he inform you that he is serial cheater?

    I also agree that you moved in too quickly.

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    I would be very concerned that he's done this three times, OP. How recently was his last infidelity?

    I have to echo the others that moving in so soon was not wise. You are still getting to know him, evidently. This is why you need to ask the hard questions before cohabitation.

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    Feeling competitive with his ex-girlfriends is a sign that this relationship is unhealthy. People do not cheat because their partner is not "good enough" in some way. I think you need to get out before he repeats the behavior for the fourth time, because based on your line of reasoning, you are going to think his actions are due to a personal lack of worth.

    Sometimes people turn over a new leaf. However, you are taking a serious risk with this guy due to his past. Do not be surprised if he continues to be the same person he has always been.

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    Thanks guys, for your thoughts. I agree the past cheating worries me. He told me when we started dating, and let it go because he said that he did counselling after (and had been single for two years). He recognizes that what he did ruined the lives of those girls, and he deeply regrets it. He said he "didn't appreciate what he had" and that they were all amazing, beautiful women. In fact, he holds them in such high esteem that he told me I was their "equivalent." This hurt, but maybe i'm just insecure?
    I agree we moved in quickly, but I thought we we're both in our mid thirties and I thought we were on the same page. I took him telling me I was "the one" as meaning he felt something stronger for me, and only realized that he didn't when i specifically asked him.

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    Did he tell you about the cheating recently? 8 months/waiting till you move in together is pretty long to wait to spring that on someone. On the one hand he could have kept it secret, but on the other it smells a bit like making it hard for you to leave and then letting you see who he truly is. And now if he cheats on you he can say "well, I told you I have a problem."

    Edit: Ah I see he told you earlier. And then you continued dating... Keep both eyes open on this one.

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    Yes, I definitely have to keep my eyes open. I think though that what bothers me most is that he said I'm not better or prettier than any of his exes and that his feelings for me are not stronger or deeper than they were in his past relationships. I feel like if i'm "the one" there should be something about me that is more special - so it was a hurtful to hear he felt the same way about all of them. Am I just insecure or is my hurt warranted?

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    Originally Posted by Jenn715
    Thanks guys, for your thoughts. I agree the past cheating worries me. He told me when we started dating, and let it go because he said that he did counselling after (and had been single for two years). He recognizes that what he did ruined the lives of those girls, and he deeply regrets it. He said he "didn't appreciate what he had" and that they were all amazing, beautiful women. In fact, he holds them in such high esteem that he told me I was their "equivalent." This hurt, but maybe i'm just insecure?
    I agree we moved in quickly, but I thought we we're both in our mid thirties and I thought we were on the same page. I took him telling me I was "the one" as meaning he felt something stronger for me, and only realized that he didn't when i specifically asked him.
    He is not ready to date if he is comparing you to his exes. Like i said, you don't want to be the first person someone dates after being "reformed".
    And nobody realizes someone is "the one" except in retrospect. i.e., you are married 10 years and someone says "looking back, everything clicked when x happened. I knew she was the one i wanted to marry at that moment". because if the relationship ended, they would not have been "the one". You don't know in 8 months of dating if someone is "the one". You might be in love, you may hope that the relationship lasts and you marry them - but you really don't know. Calling someone "the one" after such a short time speaks of commitmentphobia. Coming on too strong too fast.

    Do you really want to be with someone who "destroyed the lives" of THREE women.

    Even if you decided to overlook it, a guy like that would be on a LONG trial. A way longer period of time for you to agree to be exclusive, to commit, etc.

    If you stay with him, its a bigger sign of insecurity than having boundaries and deciding that you are worth better and leaving. - its not "insecure" to feel uncomfortable that this guy really doesn't see you as any better than the women he cheated on, and made you aware that he's a cheat

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    Originally Posted by Jenn715
    Yes, I definitely have to keep my eyes open. I think though that what bothers me most is that he said I'm not better or prettier than any of his exes and that his feelings for me are not stronger or deeper than they were in his past relationships. I feel like if i'm "the one" there should be something about me that is more special - so it was a hurtful to hear he felt the same way about all of them. Am I just insecure or is my hurt warranted?
    you are focusing on the wrong thing. This guy cheated THREE times. He wrecked the lives of THREE women. Being that he thinks you are on par with others he has dated is meaningless compared to that. if someone thought i was the most radiantly beautiful, intelligent, talented woman he has ever dated or met, and he's a drug dealer or slept with my sister, or is a serial cheater, does it matter that he thinks i am a Greek goddess?

    He might have phrased it better - "my EXES were not prettier or smarter than you" but at the end of the day - does it matter?.

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