Should I stay in this relationship? Need perspective

[Rose Mosse]

Too much there. I'm very sorry. A relationship shouldn't be filled with so much doubt, jealousy and insecurity. I agree with a lot with the other members especially the points made by SGH and Bluecastle. There are a lot of red flags that just can't be ignored and your feelings towards a lot of the information (no matter how much you want to rationalize it and have everything perfect) is not reconciling with your idea of what a relationship should be.

I specifically don't feel like he's processed enough at all and if he can't tell the difference between any of the women he's known or if he isn't able to speak about it with some candor (those differences and make you feel special as you ought to feel special and present in his life), it's very telling what space he's in. I also don't encourage you to pry any longer because in your insecure state, you're going to come across as threatening and it won't be a safe place for him to open up. It becomes a very negative and unhealthy cycle between the both of you. Both of you need to cool it and acknowledge the past is in the past.

I don't think the cheating history is worth focusing on (it's knowledge and information but it's not sane to focus on it). It's nothing that you can change and if you focus on it you're also focusing on something negative and destructive, something out of your power to change and you simply don't have enough insight (you both don't seem to have bonded in your love or your love isn't deep enough to provide any understanding of why the past occurred). In other words, this is opening up a can of worms or picking a battle that you cannot win. To me, it holds totally no value - psychologically, emotionally nor does it add to your health or wellbeing. You are also allowing someone's past to dictate your future decisions. To me this would subversively rob me of some power I'm not willing to relinquish. That's just not who I am and I don't think it's healthy.

If I were you I'd be focusing more carefully on the way the relationship's dynamics are presently and focus on your present tense and your reality right now, the way he makes you feel (or doesn't make you feel), the direction the relationship is headed in and what you want out of life. If this isn't for you, you then make the decision to end it on your terms.

[poorlittlefish]

Playing devil's advocate, maybe because he recognises that he destroyed decent women who did nothing wrong, he doesn't wish to diss them now that they're exes. Lots of people think they've met "the one" until it all goes wrong and someone else becomes "the one" further down the line.

He could have been a lot more tactful but he shouldn't have to make you feel better about yourself by putting others down. You are your own unique person with your own fabulous qualities and you are just as gorgeous as anyone else. You don't need to be better than them, you just need to be you (which includes knowing your own worth and not setting yourself up for heartache and insecurity).

[saluk]

Playing devil's advocate, maybe because he recognises that he destroyed decent women who did nothing wrong, he doesn't wish to diss them now that they're exes. Lots of people think they've met "the one" until it all goes wrong and someone else becomes "the one" further down the line.

He could have been a lot more tactful but he shouldn't have to make you feel better about yourself by putting others down. You are your own unique person with your own fabulous qualities and you are just as gorgeous as anyone else. You don't need to be better than them, you just need to be you (which includes knowing your own worth and not setting yourself up for heartache and insecurity).

I definitely agree with this second paragraph.

My issue with his cheating - plenty of people who do bad things(tm) feel bad about doing them. An alcoholic feels bad that they can't control their liquor - doesn't stop them from drinking. Feeling bad that he has hurt other women (every other woman he's been with...) is not sufficient to show that he has seriously worked on what caused him to cheat on them in the first place. He said he's learned from his mistakes... what exactly did he learn? How did he learn those lessons?

Him feeling stronger about you than he did with the others would not prevent him from cheating. Neither would him thinking you are prettier. Feelings can change over time. There's always going to be someone prettier. Cheating isn't about feeling, it's about boundary control and commitment.

[reinventmyself]

Is sharing all that supposed to make you feel secure? I think not.
Not sure what his motivation is, but his delivery is a little weird.

Based on that, I'd say pass.
If he was really remorseful, he should feel somewhat ashamed.

One or even two times is a mistake.
3 times is a lifestyle.
He may be conformed, but why risk sticking around to find out?

Besides, don't we all go into most relationships thinking that this is `the one'

[DancingFool]

Ah the good old myth that cheaters cheat because their partner isn't pretty enough, doesn't have sex often enough, doesn't keep a clean house well enough, doesn't make enough money, doesn't do enough of....insert whatever you want here. All completely false bs.

Reality is that cheaters cheat because they enjoy the very act of deceit. It makes them feel clever, powerful, superior. It's one heck of an ego trip.

Incidentally, he didn't just mess about with three girls, he messed about with many. Don't forget to count all those he cheated with and duped into either believing he is single or believing his boohoo poor him stuck in a horrible relationship with a horrible girl bs.

This guy is a manipulator and a dangerous liar. You are yourself being duped as we speak. He told you some sob story how he has changed and you are buying it blind. I really hope that you open your eyes and run like the wind. He is already working on destroying your self esteem. He knew well what he was doing when he told you that you aren't really all that to him. He dangled the "you are the one" and then turned around and cut you down with "there were other only ones too...and he cheated on them". Talk about talking out of both sides of his mouth and a total mind fck. Please please run from this. You are posting here because deep down you already know this. Your gut is screaming at you, so please listen to it and get away from this man before he destroys you too.

[abitbroken]

I don't believe anything justifies cheating. I gave him a chance because he said he felt deep remorse for his actions, as he should, and I trusted he would not do it again, that he had changed as a result of his losses. What began to bother me was that I felt he had so much guilt over his actions, and spoke so highly of these women, that I wondered how he felt about me in comparison. I felt he was with me kind of by default (he said these relationships were basically perfect). It's why I asked him what he meant when he said I was "the one" - I wanted to believe, naively maybe, that he felt something more for me because we were making life decisions (moving in).

So...what if a random drunk guy came up and proposed to me. Would i say "he obviously loves me because he made an important life decision?" Unless you two discussed it and decided that you wanted to marry eventually and moving in was the next step, etc, this is not a major life decision. its someone to share the bills, have in close proximity for sex etc and to sort of put his thumb on you so its hard to bail. If the relationship is right, he would have no trouble if you had told him no and would consider the idea in a year.

And words are just words. he does not have the track record to prove he is no longer a cheater. No matter what - even if this guy was the most perfect guy for you and he was upstanding and trustworthy, eight months is jumping the gun on any form of commitment except being "exclusive"

[shellyf62]

Pack your bags & run....and dont look back!!!!

[SGH]

Thanks guys, for your thoughts. I agree the past cheating worries me. He told me when we started dating, and let it go because he said that he did counselling after (and had been single for two years). He recognizes that what he did ruined the lives of those girls, and he deeply regrets it. He said he "didn't appreciate what he had" and that they were all amazing, beautiful women. In fact, he holds them in such high esteem that he told me I was their "equivalent." This hurt, but maybe i'm just insecure?
I agree we moved in quickly, but I thought we we're both in our mid thirties and I thought we were on the same page. I took him telling me I was "the one" as meaning he felt something stronger for me, and only realized that he didn't when i specifically asked him.

You really have some self-work to do before you will no longer be vulnerable to men like this. Ask yourself why you feel the need to be special in his eyes? You should be special and wonderful in your own eyes! It sounds to me that the fact that he doesn't value you more than the women he dated in the past has affected your view of your own value. It shouldn't work like that. I promise you if you let this cheater define you, you will be in for a heap of pain.

He's telling you who he is; a man who broke the hearts of three beautiful women who didn't deserve it. It doesn't matter if you are "better" than them or not. Expect to be the fourth in this camp.

[LHGirl]

I read this recently, and it applies so much here:

"If there's doubt, there's no doubt".

Think about that.

[Batya33]

I read this recently, and it applies so much here:

"If there's doubt, there's no doubt".

Think about that.

I agree to the extent that if you doubt whether you can trust him being in a relationship has no point -as you can see it triggers anxiety and insecurity in you. And I agree too that it is not about looks - people who justify cheating might cheat because another person is "better looking" but I think that's kind of rare and limited to those situations where the current partner has deliberately let him/herself go so that it's not just about looks but being turned off by the other person's "who cares" attitude.