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Thread: Should I stay in this relationship? Need perspective

  1. #11
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    If anybody makes back handed statements such as “You’re no different then those exes of mine” it’s time to step back and evaluate the fact if that’s the case? What will stop him from cheating on you? Sure he regrets it, but to me he hasn’t changed nor sounds like he’s ready to fully commit. If you were indeed the ‘one’. He wouldn’t lump you into a group of girls.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Quick involvement/moving in, chronic cheating and particularly combined with this remark are red flags. Can you move out? You've only been dating 7 mos. Can you move back home or wherever you lived before? Cut your losses. This will only end in heartache.
    Originally Posted by Jenn715
    he said I'm not better or prettier than any of his exes and that his feelings for me are not stronger or deeper than they were in his past relationships.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    My read—aside from agreeing with basically everything that's being said—is that he hasn't really processed his past. The fact that he talks about these woman enough for you to know about them, that he holds them in "such high regard"—well, all that is just him still turning it over in his mind, which is to say he is kind of using this relationship as a means of processing.

    Not great.

    He sounds like he's still in a place where he identifies as "bad," which he reinforces, sideways, by making these women all kind of holy. If he is still identifying as "bad"—well, that's not great for you, or any woman.

    And if he uses expressions like "destroyed their life"—sigh. He's not that powerful. He's just a dude who cheated, a lot. Those women, if they are two percent as great as he believes, will be just fine and will go on to live very full, very rich, very non-destroyed lives.

    Anyhow, it kind of sounds like you're making some clumsy choices to feel secure with someone you don't yet feel secure with, like moving in. Is there a way of moving out, slowing things down a bit, so you can have some time to authentically gauge if this is someone you can trust? Gun to head, do you think this is even someone you could trust?

  4. #14
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    Very insightful read on it, thanks. I guess I just feel like i'm partly to blame for having asked him to compare. It was insecure of me. And when he answered honestly, I couldn't handle the answer.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    It sounds like you feel that his cheating would somehow be "justified" if he felt that these women were worse or less pretty than you. What does that say about you? It sounds like you are one of these women who feel the need to compete with other women for a man, which is not healthy and is probably the reason why you made the informed choice to stay in such a risky situation. Now that he burst your fantasy you are struggling. Imo, this indicates that you have low self-esteem and you seriously need to work on that in order to be able to foster a healthy relationship.

    I would seriously struggle to trust someone who was capable of betraying and hurting so much not one but THREE fellow women. You trying to seek validation from such an individual doesn't sound promising. Imo, you both have issues you need to fix and your respective issues don't make a good combination. Imo, your relationship as it currently stands has the potential to become energy draining and ultimately toxic for both of you. Both of you need to work further on your respective issues.

  7. #16
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    I don't believe anything justifies cheating. I gave him a chance because he said he felt deep remorse for his actions, as he should, and I trusted he would not do it again, that he had changed as a result of his losses. What began to bother me was that I felt he had so much guilt over his actions, and spoke so highly of these women, that I wondered how he felt about me in comparison. I felt he was with me kind of by default (he said these relationships were basically perfect). It's why I asked him what he meant when he said I was "the one" - I wanted to believe, naively maybe, that he felt something more for me because we were making life decisions (moving in).

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sadly this guy thrives on being a bad-boy ladies man. He also enjoys fooling women including using lines like "the one" (basically a meaningless term) to trick women into getting what he wants. Free housekeepers and sex. Move out asap. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Do not think you will be the one to conquer and fix him. All the others he cheated on thought that too.
    Last edited by Wiseman2; 06-24-2019 at 05:39 PM.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by Jenn715
    I don't believe anything justifies cheating. I gave him a chance because he said he felt deep remorse for his actions, as he should, and I trusted he would not do it again, that he had changed as a result of his losses. What began to bother me was that I felt he had so much guilt over his actions, and spoke so highly of these women, that I wondered how he felt about me in comparison. I felt he was with me kind of by default (he said these relationships were basically perfect). It's why I asked him what he meant when he said I was "the one" - I wanted to believe, naively maybe, that he felt something more for me because we were making life decisions (moving in).
    Why is moving in a life decision - what does it mean in particular to him in addition to sharing physical space? Does it have anything to do with a deeper emotional commitment? I didn't live with my husband till we were married -totally fine if you want to share living space with a boyfriend but make sure you both have the same reasons for doing so.

    I think his way of comparing you -and your questions -are not a healthful way of interacting especially in a fairly new relationship.

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by Jenn715
    Very insightful read on it, thanks. I guess I just feel like i'm partly to blame for having asked him to compare. It was insecure of me. And when he answered honestly, I couldn't handle the answer.
    Stop blaming yourself. True. don't ask if you don't want to know. but a healthy guy would say "i don't really think about them. They are in the past. YOu are the one i love"

  11. #20
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    Big mistake to be involved with a chronic cheater. This wasn't a mistake but some selfish hurtful actions he made repeatedly so it shows a major major character flaw. Just cos you feel bad about your last actions DOES NOT suggest you'll never do it again. In fact, somwone that can cheat on three great women during a long term relationship shows he should be someone you shouldn't even give a chance to. He's going to cheat again, rest assured...That's just who he is.

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