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Thread: Should I even bother trying to get my ex girlfriend back?

  1. #1
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    Should I even bother trying to get my ex girlfriend back?

    A few months ago, I broke up with my girlfriend of two years. She'd been increasingly hinting at commitment, and I'd begun pulling away. I'm terribly scared of being hurt and taken advantage of, and I put a lot of distance between us. Ultimately, I broke it off with her because I did not think I could give her what she reasonably wanted.

    A month later, I began experiencing feelings that I did not think I would have, and realized I made a mistake. I tried to get her back, but she was not having it. She's very, very hurt and resentful, especially because shortly after I broke it off, she had to move apartments and undergo foot surgery. She says that she is still ridiculously in love with me, but unsure if she can ever trust me again. I've owned up to all my mistakes and told her I was ready to commit, but she's still very skittish and evasive. We did spend the night together a few weeks ago and seemed to reconcile, but she called it off the next day.

    I want to fix this very badly, but I don't think I can. She insists that she still loves me and thinks about me constantly, but she's not reaching out very often and I'm beginning to wonder if there is someone else. She has a tinder account, and I've asked her about that, but she says she only uses it to feel attractive and get a little attention. I'm not sure if I believe her. Even if there is someone else, I don't know why she'd lie about it, and truly, I'd understand why she'd be interested in other men after my aloof, sometimes cold demeanor toward her.

    I've been an absolute wreck about this, and the emotions are sometimes overwhelming. I don't really know what my next move should be. I don't know if I should maintain limited contact and feel it out, go all in and try to reconcile (which hasn't worked so far), or disappear completely.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately it doesn't look good for you because you acted like a real snake and she knows it. She must have already cried to all her friends and family who rightfully advised her to steer clear of you. Give her space. Don't crawl back because you're horny or lonely only to dump her again.
    Originally Posted by biscuit2020
    A few months ago, I broke up with my girlfriend of two years. She'd been increasingly hinting at commitment. She's very, very hurt and resentful, especially because shortly after I broke it off, she had to move apartments and undergo foot surgery

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    No this has nothing to do with someone else. You have commitment issues and hurt her deeply, she's keeping away for her own mental health
    Occasionally her feelings for you has her slip up but keep in mind that's just her heart. She knows she can never depend on you again.

    If you love her you'll leave her alone for good and let her heal.
    If you don't, that's just you being selfish.

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    The rejection is fresh and suddenly deciding you want her back feels disingenuous. No, there wasn't anyone else during your relationship. If she is seeing someone now they aren't "Someone else" - they are the only someone because you dumped her. But i doubt if she is going on dates. I suggest that you don't date for awhile. if you don't want to commit, then be single - don't find someone new or only go for plus ones or occasional dates.

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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately it doesn't look good for you because you acted like a real snake and she knows it. She must have already cried to all her friends and family who rightfully advised her to steer clear of you. Give her space. Don't crawl back because you're horny or lonely only to dump her again.
    I did act like a snake, and I"m sure you're right that her support network has advised her to move on. I'm not crawling back because I'm horny or lonely. I made a mistake and having lost her realized that I wanted to commit. It's been truly devastating to not have her in my life and I don't know if I can ever make this right. That might sound insincere or impulsive, but I've never felt this way after a break up, not even after an emotionally crushing divorce. I feel pretty helpless in the face of it.

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    Originally Posted by Honeycomb8
    No this has nothing to do with someone else. You have commitment issues and hurt her deeply, she's keeping away for her own mental health
    Occasionally her feelings for you has her slip up but keep in mind that's just her heart. She knows she can never depend on you again.

    If you love her you'll leave her alone for good and let her heal.
    If you don't, that's just you being selfish.
    I do wonder if I'm just being selfish, but I think her feelings for me are genuine, and mine absolutely are. I've made it clear that I'm willing to do the work necessary to mend the relationship if it's possible.

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    It's not nice to treat people this way. You can't just break up and decide you changed your mind and expect to just step back in AND expect her to be just fine with being bounced around like a ping pong ball. She is a person with feelings, not some item you can pick up and discard at your own whim.

    If she never takes you back I hope you learn to treat the people you claim to love better. And if she by some miracle does agree to take you back I hope you have learned to treat her like a human who deserves caring and respect.

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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    It's not nice to treat people this way. You can't just break up and decide you changed your mind and expect to just step back in AND expect her to be just fine with being bounced around like a ping pong ball. She is a person with feelings, not some item you can pick up and discard at your own whim.

    If she never takes you back I hope you learn to treat the people you claim to love better. And if she by some miracle does agree to take you back I hope you have learned to treat her like a human who deserves caring and respect.
    I know I treated her terribly. I didn't think I could give her what she wanted. I know she deserved much better than this, but I genuinely thought it was the right thing to do. It seems very, very disingenuous and I don't blame her at all for being extremely wary. I have awful commitment issues but I think i needed to be without her to get past them. I don't for a second think I can just walk back into the boyfriend role like nothing happened.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I know you're remorseful and wish to make amends with your ex-girlfriend, however, that's not how life works. Once people have been hurt, usually and generally, they don't wish to experience pain again so they keep moving forward, not backwards. In other words, they won't take you back into their lives anymore because they don't want to risk another heartbreak.

    Sure, she'll eventually forgive you but she'll never forget. No one ever forgets anything. We're like owls and remember everything.

    Not that you're a liar but it's the same as the way liars are treated. You can't trust them anymore. Trust is dead. Or, if someone is deceitful or betrays another person. Or, if someone said awful comments during a heated, emotional fight. Those words cannot be taken back. It's over after that. Really over. Done. This is human nature so get used to it. It's universal.

    Even if you were to crawl back on your hands and knees begging and pleading for a second chance, usually the answer is: "NO."

    All you can do is learn from this bad experience. In the future, know that your final answer to a person is just that: Final. They will hold you to your original word and there's no going back. Groveling doesn't work.

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    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    You answered your question in your header with the last sentence in post #1. It's over and it hasn't worked (reconciling). Don't stay stuck in this loop of a broken record. Try not to be afraid of growth and learn to forgive yourself for your regrets, missed opportunities and learn to look forward to the future.

    Why were you so afraid in the first place? Did she do anything to you or did both of you have a rough start? I think after two years for a woman not to realize that you're that anxious or skittish around commitment and continue to hint at marriage is a bit self-absorbed at best and selfish at worst. I find it hard to believe she was that clueless or innocent. Remember it takes two in a relationship. While the self-flagellation appears noble, I don't think it's realistic. It didn't work out between the both of you. Stop beating yourself up about it.

    Also, have you learned new ways of dealing with your fear or anxiety in new situations/new relationships? It may also be a good idea to try and learn how to improve communications with others and not be afraid of vocalizing or establishing boundaries with your partner for future relationships.

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