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Thread: 1st day NC

  1. #41
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    Originally Posted by Limiya
    Thanks goddess again,
    I am improving very slowly. I am still having my crying moments and grieving times too.
    I know he's on holiday today for 2 weeks and so my mind last night and this morning has been swimming full thoughts as to if they're there together or on his own.
    As if that matters, or as if it's any of business anymore.
    I keep trying to shut the thoughts out, but it's not that easy.
    I guess i'll just have to come to terms with it somehow.
    Of course, it's not easy. You still have feelings for him. Understandable. You will definitely come to terms with it, with time. Please don't forget how recent your breakup was. Don't expect too much of yourself. It's unfortunate but it's something that you have to go through and eventually accept. You will see that, as time passes, your thoughts become less powerful and lose energy. Did you get a chance to read up on the stages of grief? [Register to see the link] I know to pertains to the death of a loved one but you can adapt it to deal with the death of a relationship or, as in my case, the death of my marriage.

    Have you tried writing your thoughts in a journal or notebook? I did that. I made believe that I was telling him face-to-face what I wrote down. It did help. I read some of the things that I wrote months later and I was surprised at how deeply I felt about certain things. What I felt back then has lost a good part of their energy. The pain of it all lessened considerably. For instance, nowadays I don't care if he's with some woman. Of course, I asked my ex MIL and ex SIL to not tell me anything about what he's doing. I don't want to know. And, my sons know better than to tell me anything about their father. They know that I don't want to see him nor talk to him. I've been NC for over a year now. I am still not OK. I don't know if I ever will be 100%. Time will tell.

    Know that I am thinking of you. Please remember to make time to visit your friend's farm and confide with your very close friends, OK? That all helps. Hugs. xx

  2. #42
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    Hi Limiya. I hope you are feeling better. Yesterday, I went to a craft store close to where I used to live. I hardly ever go there anymore now. Anyway, as I entered the store I started to tear up. It bothered me all the way home. I guess it's because of all the times that I used to frequent that store when I was still married. I was genuinely happy even though the marriage had its problems. I just rationalised that all marriages have their problems at some point or another. It brought back a flood of memories...

    Even though I know I am better off without his verbal/emotional abuse and disrespect, it still pains me that he couldn't make the effort to stay with me after all the years that we were together. I accepted him for who and what he he but it was not reciprocated.
    Why on earth do I still cry? That, in of itself, makes me so angry and annoyed at myself. Guess I still have to give it time.

    Just thought I'd share this with you. I wish you a peaceful day. Hugs, G xx

  3. #43
    Gold Member Limiya's Avatar
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    goddess,
    Thank you for sharing that with me. I can real feel it through your post.
    I wish I could make you feel better. I just tell myself it's another part of the 'process' of breakup.
    Things creep up on you at unexpected times. Maybe you can treat yourself to something to cheer you up and for getting through that moment. :)
    Don't be mad with yourself. It's all normal. Big hugs for you honey.xxxx

    I'm nervous about things triggering me to cry too. I am not crying as much this week, but my stomach is in knots almost all the time.
    At the moment it's my mind playing tricks on me. One moment i'm convinced he's gone for good and I need to accept it. He's with this new girl, they're sleeping together, holidaying together, planning a future together.... then an hour later my mind tells me 'Of course he's going to come back. He said he loves you, he kissed you that time. He has told you he will always love you, that he's attracted to you... he won't throw away all this.. he'll come back once he's worked it out in his mind'.
    So i'm constantly either fighting back tears and heartache, or i'm fighting with the sense of false hope my brain keeps throwing at me.

    No idea how to deal with it honestly. I guess it's just time again.
    I want to talk about him, but I don't know how good that is for me.

  4. #44
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    Originally Posted by Limiya
    goddess,
    Thank you for sharing that with me. I can real feel it through your post.
    I wish I could make you feel better. I just tell myself it's another part of the 'process' of breakup.
    Things creep up on you at unexpected times. Maybe you can treat yourself to something to cheer you up and for getting through that moment. :)
    Don't be mad with yourself. It's all normal. Big hugs for you honey.xxxx

    I'm nervous about things triggering me to cry too. I am not crying as much this week, but my stomach is in knots almost all the time.
    At the moment it's my mind playing tricks on me. One moment i'm convinced he's gone for good and I need to accept it. He's with this new girl, they're sleeping together, holidaying together, planning a future together.... then an hour later my mind tells me 'Of course he's going to come back. He said he loves you, he kissed you that time. He has told you he will always love you, that he's attracted to you... he won't throw away all this.. he'll come back once he's worked it out in his mind'.
    So i'm constantly either fighting back tears and heartache, or i'm fighting with the sense of false hope my brain keeps throwing at me.

    No idea how to deal with it honestly. I guess it's just time again.
    I want to talk about him, but I don't know how good that is for me.
    I want to commend you for your progress thus far, Limiya. Baby steps. Your mind is trying to make sense of your loss.

    I also felt that he would come to his senses and regret his decision at some point. Remember, I was the dumpee. At the beginning, I was in such anguish that, while talking to my sons separately, I told them that I would consider a reconciliation. I don't know if they ever mentioned that to him. Do I still feel that way? Absolutely not! I would not go back to him, even if he wanted. But, I am about 99.9% sure that he'd never want a reconciliation. I believe that when one experiences a loss they are in a state of shock and one wants to desperately return to what they had. All part of processing the loss and trying to make sense of what happened.

    Try really hard to not imagine what he is doing with this girl. They are still in the honeymoon stage. Everything is rainbows and unicorns right now. My ex started to date his gf in June (perhaps even sooner; I don't know). We had planned a trip to Disney at the end of October. Airline tickets, resort, etc was already paid. I imagined them going to Disney. Then, I imagined them spending Thanksgiving and Christmas together. I believed I already mentioned all this, but their relationship ended within 2 months or so. What I'm trying to say is that your ex and his gf may not last. Did you ever consider that? Don't waste energy imagining what's going to happen with his life. It's counterproductive. I know it's very hard. He's gone, sweet girl. Harsh reality. I suppose that it's not set in stone but I wouldn't harbour hope. People occasionally do get back together but, even if he would want to, would you? Perhaps you would right now but not after some time has passed.

    I would talk about him to your close friend or a close family member. I think that may help. It did, for me. Actually, I spoke to some people (other than my ex MIL, ex-SIL and my brother and his wife) about the divorce. I did not bad mouth him; I'm better than that. It was them, of their own volition, who told me that they were and are aware of the way he used to talk to me. That, in of itself, gave me some validation. At that point, I certainly agreed with them. I find myself wondering how many other people, who I have not spoken to, are aware of how disrespectful he was. It is what it is. It's over. BTW, his family and my family were definitely aware of what a difficult person he is and how disrespectful he is. When I think about it, I am the one who should have divorced him years ago but our kids were little back then. Plus, I took my vows seriously. No point in rehashing the past - although I still do - LOL!

    You hang in there. It's all you can do. Let your heart heal. Focus on all the good that you have in your life. A few months ago, my brother's friend lost her brother. She drove to the funeral home on her own because her husband had to finish some work at the office. He and their son drove separately. Long story short: he and his son were both killed on their way to the wake. I cannot imagine how this poor woman feels. She lost her brother, her husband and her son within days of each other...

    I wish you a peaceful weekend. Big hugs xx
    Last edited by goddess; 07-20-2019 at 09:55 AM.

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  6. #45
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    Hey goddess,

    Thanks for such a lovely message. It really does help me to read.
    I wasn't too bad over the weekend. I didn't get out a lot but I felt relative calm to an extent. Not quote driving myself mental.
    I didn't sleep well last night however and so now this morning i'm tired and feel heartbroken all over again.
    My mind going into overdrive again. I know it's pointless but like everyone says, it's just processin the breakup still. Still early days I guess.

    I've decided to book an appt with a councillor so I can do some self introspection and see what's going on with me in more detail. I feel like I need it.
    Working overtime again this week, and teaching 2 dance classes tonight. Hopefully this week will be better than the previous but who knows?
    I'm trying to focus on negative aspects of him that I forget about. It helps a little, but not too much. He was generally a good guy so it's just not that easy.

    Have a wonderful day.
    (HUS)

  7. #46
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    Originally Posted by Limiya
    Hey goddess,

    Thanks for such a lovely message. It really does help me to read.
    I wasn't too bad over the weekend. I didn't get out a lot but I felt relative calm to an extent. Not quote driving myself mental.
    I didn't sleep well last night however and so now this morning i'm tired and feel heartbroken all over again.
    My mind going into overdrive again. I know it's pointless but like everyone says, it's just processin the breakup still. Still early days I guess.

    I've decided to book an appt with a councillor so I can do some self introspection and see what's going on with me in more detail. I feel like I need it.
    Working overtime again this week, and teaching 2 dance classes tonight. Hopefully this week will be better than the previous but who knows?
    I'm trying to focus on negative aspects of him that I forget about. It helps a little, but not too much. He was generally a good guy so it's just not that easy.

    Have a wonderful day.
    (HUS)
    Hi, sweet girl! I am truly thrilled that you booked an appointment with a councillor. I believe that will be very beneficial. I wanted to do that last year but I was not in a good financial position back then because things were still in limbo. Now, I'm not too sure I need to see one because I feel so much better compared to how I was back then.

    Sorry to hear that you didn't sleep well. That always seems to mess us up, even when things are going well in our lives. I am so impressed that you are teaching dance classes. Nice! I've been thinking that, at some point in the future, I might go to some dance classes. I actually signed up at a dancing Meetup group but I haven't gone to any of the classes. I'm just not ready to do that just yet. BTW, are you familiar with Meetup groups? They offer all sorts of themes and activities. I've joined a couple of others as well (card making group and lunch group) but, again, I'm not in the mood to go. I've always loved crafting and I used to scrapbook. Nowadays, I make cards. I am on the design team for two artists on Facebook. Every month, I create three cards for one artist and two for the other. I am so grateful that I have that because it forces me to do something. Otherwise, I'd have nothing constructive to do. I'd probably wallow in self-pity - LOL! Just kidding. I am not the type of person to do that.

    My marriage had some good times but they were often laced with some sort of disrespect. That's just how he is. Anyway, I focused on the bad times and that, for me, helped enormously. He was/is a person who has some deep rooted, unresolved issues so, subsequently, he tore me down to make himself feel good. I didn't like the person that I became when I was with him. I felt stifled. OK, enough rambling. Enjoy your classes tonight and have fun. Talk soon. Hugs to you xx

  8. #47
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    Where are you, Limiya? How are you doing/feeling? xx

  9. #48
    Gold Member Limiya's Avatar
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    Goddess,
    I'm still here. Just doing my best to get through each day.
    I'm working overtime most days, and trying to distract myself at other times.
    But truth is I am still thinking of him all the time, every day.
    I didn't think to post here because I didn't k know what to say.

    I am still hurting, although I'm a bit calmer now.
    Sometimes I still completely break down.

    How are you?

  10. #49
    Gold Member Limiya's Avatar
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    I have my first appointment with a councillor in my area tonight.
    I'm looking forward to it.
    I am still maintaining No Contact, and to say it's been difficult is an understatement. I'm in my 4th week.
    I've heard nothing from him, and I doubt I will. Even though my mind still keeps playing tricks on me and giving myself false hope.


    The biggest test was the weekend.
    I had a medical emergency and I was admitted to hospital. I had to stay there overnight and have an emergency procedure done the next morning.
    There were no beds available so I had to sleep in the corridor, with no pillow.
    I had nothing to read and no phone charger.
    I lay there all night, thinking of him. Knowing if we were still together, he would have come and sat with me. Settled me down and comforted me.
    But I didn't reach out. I knew he was away, and if I received no response or a negative one, I would have hurt 10x more.


    I dealt with it all alone, came home the next day.
    Then for some reason, yesterday and today I have been really suffering with the anxiety, tears and heartbreak all over again.
    I feel like I've gone backwards. It took everything in me to not find his number online and text him.
    I managed, but I just can't wait for this awful period of time to pass.

  11. #50
    Gold Member Limiya's Avatar
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    So i'm still in No Contact.
    It's been about 7 weeks now I think. I don't know exact days honestly.
    I do not feel in pain as much now. I mostly just feel a low level of anxiety throughout the day more than anything else.
    The hardest part is my mind still keeps giving me some elements of hope now n then. That for sure one day he will contact me even as a friend and i'll feel better.
    This is just ridiculous, but it's difficult to stop it from clinging onto that small sliver of hope. I think the mind does it just to stop my anxiety from elevating again, and sometimes I don't mind it.

    I'm eating really healthy at the moment and still working overtime hours so the extra pay is a bonus.
    As for my ex, I have no idea what is happening with him or his life. I also have no idea if he is still seeing this girl or not.
    I am assuming he is because i haven't heard anything from him and i haven't a clue how serious they are.
    I did slip the other day and unblocked his fb so i could check if his profile had been updated or his relationship status, (it was still showing single).
    Nothing had changed.
    All i can do is keep to NC and work on myself and my life as i am doing.
    I'm hoping to book a holiday for towards the end of September which will be a nice distraction.

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