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Thread: 1st day NC

  1. #31
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    Originally Posted by Limiya
    Thanks honey. You really know how to motivate me to move forward.
    I appreciate the tough love and advice. I know once I start feeling better, I'll be fine.
    I just need to believe that it's going to be ok.

    I am looking forward to the day it doesn't hurt anymore and I don't care about what he's doing anymore.
    I know I shouldn't come to my own conclusions about his relationship with this girl. But it's quite difficult not to sometimes ya know?
    I'm so glad that I can help in some small way. You are so right! It's very, very difficult to not think of what he's doing and with whom. It eats at you. No doubt there. My ex seemed to be in my thoughts nearly every waking moment, no kidding. Heck, he even inserted himself in my dreams (or should I say "nightmares"). You know you'll be OK. You are strong and capable of so much. You've done it before; you'll do it again, my friend. As you know, there are no shortcuts. We all have to heal by ourselves, and at our own pace. Please continue to write and let us know of your progress, or, feel free to PM me. Sending you big hugs xx

  2. #32
    Gold Member Limiya's Avatar
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    I woke up this morning from dreaming of him. It was so painful.
    I noticed I had e-mails from his business advising he is going on holiday for 2 weeks on the weekend etc.
    I forgot I was on the mailing list.
    I immediately unsubscribed.
    But now it's in my mind he's going on holiday (probably with her but I don't know).

    I'm trying my best to listen to as many videos or podcasts to keep me strong as possible.
    I am still going through horrendous sobbing episodes and extreme anxiety.
    But it passes off, then I sit numb for a while until the next episode.

    I'm trying my best to cope and get through it. I am hoping this phase will pass off soon enough. I don't want to miss him, I don't want to want him back, and I want to feel like I deserve more.

  3. #33
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    Listen, sweet girl, this is still so fresh so you will be hurting a lot for quite a while. Please accept that it's all part of the healing process, OK? I truly understand the pain, anguish and anxiety that you are experiencing. It's horrible. You feel so alone. I get it but there is hope. I'm here to listen.

    At the beginning, I felt so distraught that I couldn't even make it from my apartment (on the ground floor, no less) to my car without getting into a crying frenzy. Other times, I made it to the car and about a couple of blocks, because I had to go the the supermarket, but had to turn back. I was nearly blind with tears. I didn't think that a human could produce so many tears every day. I know you feel like this. This lasted for quite a while but it did get better with time. Baby steps are all we can take. Limiya, many people go through this sort of pain. You are not alone. Just read the posts here. So many broken people. As I said before, life sucks sometimes and it's not fair. I know how much you loved this guy; it's so apparent by what you are experiencing. It's something that we must do on our own, unfortunately. There's no magic switch to turn our pain off. It's part of life.

    I forgot if I mentioned this, but listening to some upbeat music helped me. I spoke to my brother and his wife, my ex MIL, my ex sister-in-law and one friend about how and what I was feeling. That gave me comfort and hope. They helped me get through it. I noticed that, with time, I started to feel some peace.

    At one point last year, I thought I was having a heart attack because I had shortness of breath. Nope. It was a panic attack. I had 3 since then. I felt angry because I didn't want to feel that way. Why did I have to suffer so much when he seemed so happy?

    We were supposed to go the Disney's Food and Wine Festival at the end of October. We had already purchased airline tickets, booked the hotel, etc. I found out from his mother that he didn't want to go by himself. So, what did he do? He changed his airline ticket and flew (literally) across the country to hook up with someone that he met on-line! What an idiot!!! I wish my ex MIL didn't tell me because it bothered me so much. My point is: try not to worry about what he does. Don't waste that energy on him. He's not worth it.

    I will reiterate by saying that you will go through a bunch of emotions. All normal because your heart is broken. Just like a physical wound needs time to heal, so will your heart. But it will pass; it always does. You'll see. Be grateful that you have your health; that's a big one. Things could be a lot worse - that's what I kept telling myself. Keep writing here and vent. Thinking of you, xx

  4. #34
    Gold Member Limiya's Avatar
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    Goddess, I have read and reread your post over and over again.
    You are so understanding. It feels like you're here, hugging me while I cry it out.
    It makes me feel less alone.

    You don't know how much your messages help me. I can't thank you enough.

    I went to visit an old friend today. She recently bought a new horse and I didn't realise she was close by. She sat with me as we talked it out. Being at the farm felt calming. She said I can go there anytime to look after the horses. I think ill do that.

    I came home and watched Netflix with a friend. I thought i was doing well, but when he hugged me goodbye I broke down. He was so good.
    He held me while I cried and I thanked him.
    It's so embarrassing but he said that's what friends are for.
    So over all, not the worst day I guess.

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  6. #35
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    Hi, dear Limiya. Thank you for your kind words; you've made me smile. People can try to understand what we have been and are going through but, unless they've actually gone through this particular experience, they don't fully understand the painful emotions involved. I know exactly what you are feeling. Don't forget that you've been down this road before years ago and you survived it, right? You'll do it again, I promise.

    You are doing all the right things to heal. Kudos to you! It's been a little over two weeks ago so don't be too hard on yourself. You need to go through this roller coaster of emotions in order to become healthy again. You are processing your breakup.

    How wonderful that you went to visit an old friend. She sounds like such a lovely and caring person. Looking after the horses is perfect. I encourage you to visit her; you'll get some much needed happiness and tranquility.

    Your other friend is so right in saying that's what friends are for. He is a genuine friend, dear girl. He is offering you his support in your time of need. No need to feel embarrassed. You're human and he understands. You hang in there and focus on getting healthy. Sending you virtual hugs from across the pond ( I live in the USA) xx

  7. #36
    Gold Member Limiya's Avatar
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    I'm struggling again this morning.
    It's a Friday, and we would often spend our times together on weekends.
    I always know his routine, what times he finishes work. What he eats for dinner. Where he likes to go.
    So my thoughts today are swimming all over the place.
    He will be going out for dinner with her tonight, then back to his place perhaps, and spending the weekend together etc.
    He is then going on holiday on Monday and probably with her.
    The same place we used to go together.

    So of course i'm really over thinking this morning and the pieces of my heart haven't even begun to heal yet.
    I know none of that is my business anymore. He's moved on. He's with someone else. I shouldn't care, but I do. I shouldn't feel anything but I do.
    These next few weeks will be the most difficult.
    I just want to speak to him and have a chat like we usually do, but I can't. Even though he would probably answer or respond. I don't want to go there.
    It's too painful.

    I have to stop over-analysing what's happening in his life and start focussing on mine but it's only been 5 days since I saw him and I feel like i'm expecting too much of myself.
    My brother came to visit me last night, which was nice. We chatted about the situation and he said 'Hey, even if you were 100% in a good relationship, he still might have left you for her anyway'. I doubt that, but it was another perspective. He said things happen for a reason and one day soon i'll realise that. Life has removed an obstacle for something good to enter my life.
    Well... that helped a bit too.
    Yesterday was a good day. I hardly cried, even though I felt bad.
    This morning, i'm like jelly. Wobbly everywhere and I cried already this morning.

    The videos I usually listen to are not easing the anxiety today.
    I think I need to arrange to get out the house tonight.

    Deep breaths.

  8. #37
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    Yes, deep breaths. I wish I could stop you from torturing yourself like this but you're human, Limiya. And, as humans, we are unable to reign in certain emotions, feelings and thoughts. It would be so easy if we could control them but, unfortunately, they are not something we can control. It's so hard for logic to prevail over emotion. Of course you are reminded of times spent together and all the various routines that you shared, etc. You've suffered a terrible loss and you are reacting to it. That's normal.

    I remember how I felt every time that I drove past the exit on the highway to our house, or when I passed a restaurant that we would frequent. The pain that I felt knowing that she had slept in my bed so soon after I moved out, and on and on. I wondered if I'd lose my mind at some point. My heart felt like it was being ripped apart all over again. After he told me he wanted a divorce, he left his wedding band on my dresser. He told me he no longer wanted to share a bed so I had to sleep in the spare bedroom until I found an apartment. While I anguished over how to cope with my pathetic situation, he was already buying a new wardrobe (the charges showed up on my credit card). He had moved on. Case closed. I had to pick myself up off the ground, brush myself off and somehow move on as best I could. You need to do the same, and you will.

    Limiya, it wasn't easy. That much I can tell you. I also warned you that you would experience a roller coaster of emotions. You will have good days and bad days. Eventually, the good days will outnumber the bad ones. I'm still not completely over it. I styill have unresolved issues. Will I ever get completely over it? I don't know. There are times when I still cannot believe that he actually kicked me to the curb. But, no matter how much I cry or stress, I have to accept my new reality. That's a fact of life; like it or not. You, too, must do your best to accept your life without him.

    I harbour such resentment towards him now. I don't wish him physical harm or unhappiness in his workplace but, deep in my heart, I hope that he finds himself miserable, alone and unfulfilled in all his relationships. Immature? Yes, but it's how I feel. I can't remember if I mentioned that I put all the jewelry that he gave me in a safe deposit box because it reminds me of him and I cannot stand the thought of wearing it. So ridiculous, right? But, I figure it's all part of the healing process. After all, I had been with him for 31 years.

    Just accept that what you are feeling is normal. Let time work it's magic. Hang in there, dear girl. I know you will. Hugs xx

    -- Good idea to get out of the house. It will get your mind off things for a while. Anything that helps.

  9. #38
    Gold Member Limiya's Avatar
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    Thank you for the heartfelt message.
    You were right in the ups and downs.
    Although I had a busy day today, I'm hurting tonight. My heart hurts me. I miss him.

    I saw a friend this evening, filled him in. He's been through worse breakups than this, but similar. His ex wife left him for another man and didn't look back.
    He was telling me that I have to accept there is no chance of him coming back.
    It hurt to hear, but I agree with him.
    I told him that I don't understand why he was so against blocking my number or deleting my number when I asked him to.
    My friend said it is odd, but it to focus on it, as the reality is he is gone and he'll never come back.

    I appreciate my friends, but it does hurt.
    I have to try and cut myself some slack.
    I am in emotional pain and I need to remember that it will hurt and take time.

    Thank you for being so supportive to me.
    I know im sounding like a broken record. I'm even annoying myself.
    I just really appreciate the help I'm receiving here.

  10. #39
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    "I have to try and cut myself some slack.
    I am in emotional pain and I need to remember that it will hurt and take time."
    Yes, you definitely need to cut yourself some slack. Anyone who's been through heartache can empathise with you and understand the pain that you are experiencing. As I said before, your loss is still so fresh. The anguish/pain you are feeling is a natural response to loss. You cannot heal quickly, Limiya. It takes time. I know you know that, and it will will sink in eventually. Now, I sounding like a broken record - LOL! All joking aside, know that it will hurt but your heart will heal slowly. Accept the fact that you hurt because you experienced a loss. And, you have to accept your loss in order to move on, OK? Remember to not ignore your pain or keep it from surfacing because that will only make it worse in the long run, truly. You have to get that "poison" out of your body a little at a time. You have to process your loss slowly. You can do it, and you will do it. I'm rooting for you! xx

  11. #40
    Gold Member Limiya's Avatar
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    Thanks goddess again,
    I am improving very slowly. I am still having my crying moments and grieving times too.
    I know he's on holiday today for 2 weeks and so my mind last night and this morning has been swimming full thoughts as to if they're there together or on his own.
    As if that matters, or as if it's any of business anymore.
    I keep trying to shut the thoughts out, but it's not that easy.
    I guess i'll just have to come to terms with it somehow.

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