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Thread: 1st day NC

  1. #11
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    First things first...stop telling yourself the false story that "I couldn't stop myself". Yes, you could. You chose to hurt yourself tonight, he didn't force you to drive over.

    Second, you need to find a way to forgive yourself. Yes, you behaved immaturely (deciding you want him only after he didn't want you anymore, despite having plenty of time to love him the way he was trying to love you), but you can't change the past. All you can do is CHOOSE to move forward, and that doesn't mean doing things to hurt yourself. Punishing yourself isn't going to do you any good.

    I like that you called a friend. Keep doing that.

  2. #12
    Gold Member Limiya's Avatar
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    Thanks so much. I really appreciate you calling me out on my .
    I know it's my own fault and that's why I am struggling so much with this. It's not like I can say I did nothing wrong because I did.

    Every day I tell myself I'm going to accept and move on. I last about 2 days and then I turn into a mess.

  3. #13
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    NOT a good idea to drive to his house. Why do you insist on hurting yourself? What did it accomplish??? It just sets you back and you know it. STOP that destructive behaviour! But, I guess that happens at the beginning. Forgive yourself for this one relapse but do not do it again. If you're tempted, just remember how crappy you felt afterwards. Do you want to feel like that again?

    I remember how much misery and heartache I had at the beginning. Now, remember that I was married for 29 years. I was told by a friend who ran into him in the fall that he seemed so happy-go-lucky. So, while he's going around enjoying life, I was barely sleeping, barely eating, crying nearly 24/7, etc. I stopped and thought about it. Why should I be so miserable when he doesn't seem to care? It's counter-productive; however, since I was the dumpee, I had to go through the grieving process. I did my best to busy myself. I accepted the fact that I'd need time to heal. I'm still healing. I'm not the only person on this planet who's going/been through a divorce. I concentrated on all the good that I have in my life. I realised that things could be worse (poor health, etc). I asked my ex MIL and his ex SIL to not tell me anything about him. That way, I didn't know what he did, where he was, or with whom.

    It sucks to have to process this loss but that's part of life. Something that nearly every person experiences in their lives at some point, unless you are a sociopath. Promise me that you will not go to his house again, please. It will only make it doubly hard to move on. You already have to deal with the breakup; you don't need to add insult to injury.

    It's been a year for me to finally say that I do not care if he's with someone. I don't care if he's with 50 women. I simply don't care, honestly. Yes, I still feel hurt that he threw me to the curb. It hurts so much that I gave him my heart and soul and he didn't reciprocate but the only right choice for me is to move on. You, too, will get there, I promise. xx

  4. #14
    Gold Member Limiya's Avatar
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    Thanks goddess. I really needed to hear that.
    I won't go back there. Yes it was painful, it was like I wanted to see if he was home or at hers. As if it made a difference as to if he was thinking of me or not. Stupid I know.
    It felt good to have a good cry though. I feel tired from it.

    I have a good friend who keeps giving me tough love and it really helps.
    I think it's slowly starting to sink in today that he's really not coming back. He's moved on and I can't change it.
    I am not in control of him, and I don't possess him. He is an adult and can do as he pleases., as am I.
    If I could turn back time I would, however it's not possible and I can only move forward.

    Tomorrow will be hard, but i'll manage somehow. If it takes a year then so be it. I'm only at the 1st month.
    1 day at a time is all I can do.

    I just really need a hug. :)

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  6. #15
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    Sometimes it does feel good to have a cry. Kind of cleanses the system and it drains you. I cried so much at the beginning that I didn't think a human could produce so many tears. One day, I realised that I didn't cry as much. With each passing day, I cry a bit less. Do I still have an occasional cry? Yes. When something triggers a memory. I hate when that happens but I guess it's normal.

    I am so glad that you have a friend who gives you tough love. That's so wonderful. The ex and I had mutual friends but they all turned their backs to me, except three. Sad. Apparently, the others were not genuine friends. Oh well. So disappointing but such is life. Just know that you have a lot of company. We will all get through it; some sooner than others. We each make progress at own own pace. Are you familiar with the stages of grieving? If not check this out: [Register to see the link] I am stuck at the anger stage right now, so I still have work to do. You hang in there. I know you have the strength to do it and you will! Sending you lots of virtual hugs. xx

  7. #16
    Gold Member Limiya's Avatar
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    Thank you for the tips and advice.
    The last time I went through a breakup, anger was what lasted the longest.

    I'm having a better day today.
    I started overthinking and getting upset so I put on some workout music and did a workout at home, followed by some cleaning, shower and then I made some notes with goals and targets I want to reach.

    I still started to get the urge to drive to his house to check again, but i managed to stop myself.

    That's another day of no contact on my calendar.
    Deep breaths.
    I know tomorrow will be really hard as it's my birthday so im going to try and enjoy todays success as much as possible.

  8. #17
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    I am so proud that you resisted the temptation, Limiya. Good for you! I also found that some upbeat music made me feel so much better. A workout at home - WOW - way to go!

    I've been in the anger stage for a while now and, like you mentioned, I imagine that I will also be stuck in that mode for a while. You are on the right track. Keep up the good work. I would like to wish you a very happy birthday, dear girl. I hope your special day is as special as you are. Never forget what a wonderful person you are. xx

  9. #18
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I've had a few breakups under my belt and as much as it's nothing to be proud of, I know what to expect.

    I try to look at it like an alcoholic or drug addict going through a detox. The beginning it always the hardest as you go through withdrawals.

    Each time you take a drink, a recovering alcoholic will have to start all over again. So if you think about it that way, there is some motivation to resist the urge to check and or drive by. All the pain you feel right now is basically for nothing and you have to start all over again. i don't know about you, but once is enough for me. So be kind to yourself and resist going backwards.

    Recognize it's going to be bad for a while. No surprises. It really hurts, but it won't kill you. I have learned to basically sit in the middle of it cry, vent, whatever and let it pass through me.

    Distractions are good and bad, because if you distract yourself too much, the grief is always there waiting for you to process it. You deal with it, or it deals with you. Better off leaning into it and getting it over with.

    I am sorry you are hurting.
    Reading your words take me back to some not so good times.
    But it does pass. It always does
    And . . .when you're ready and willing, you will find love again.

    Hang in there.
    Come here and vent anytime.
    If you feel tempted and don't trust yourself, come here first or call a friend.

  10. #19
    Gold Member Limiya's Avatar
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    Your messages give me so much comfort and hope that I will get through this.
    It's been so long since I have felt this level of pain that I really need support both online and offline.

    I almost sent him a message. Wrote it out, read it back to myself, then deleted it.
    That was something.
    Although i haven't been able to block his number yet, i know that eventually i will.

    My mind is still making up stories about him and this woman. That they are moving very fast and will be married in next to no time, with kids.

    I think its because that's what happened when my last relationship ended. Plus i know he really wants to settle with someone and have a family.
    So occasionally i just get sudden panic attacks over it.

    Deep breaths.
    Thanks for the lovely birthday wishes.
    I will report back tomorrow. Xxxx

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    I've had a few breakups under my belt and as much as it's nothing to be proud of, I know what to expect.

    I try to look at it like an alcoholic or drug addict going through a detox. The beginning it always the hardest as you go through withdrawals.

    Each time you take a drink, a recovering alcoholic will have to start all over again. So if you think about it that way, there is some motivation to resist the urge to check and or drive by. All the pain you feel right now is basically for nothing and you have to start all over again. i don't know about you, but once is enough for me. So be kind to yourself and resist going backwards.

    Recognize it's going to be bad for a while. No surprises. It really hurts, but it won't kill you. I have learned to basically sit in the middle of it cry, vent, whatever and let it pass through me.

    Distractions are good and bad, because if you distract yourself too much, the grief is always there waiting for you to process it. You deal with it, or it deals with you. Better off leaning into it and getting it over with.

    I am sorry you are hurting.
    Reading your words take me back to some not so good times.
    But it does pass. It always does
    And . . .when you're ready and willing, you will find love again.

    Hang in there.
    Come here and vent anytime.
    If you feel tempted and don't trust yourself, come here first or call a friend.
    Beautifully said, reinventmyself.

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