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Not feeling like a priority


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Hello all - First post in quite some time - and as always your feedback is appreciated.

 

I'm in a 4+ year relationship. Blended family (she has one child, I have three). Living together. I'm 43, she's 38.

 

We've had our up and downs over the years. We finally took the step of going to couples counseling and that has worked well. We all have our issues, so I won't go into the past so much as focus on the current situation.

 

Our relationship reached new heights over the last 6 months. I recently went to Europe for two weeks (work, solo) - and during my time there I started to think about things as deep as marriage in the next year or so.

 

Since returning from Europe, things haven't been good. It started with her not asking about the details of my trip etc - just a general lack of curiosity. Fair enough, I owned the situation and just launched into my stories as I was excited to tell my partner. While I was gone, she did exactly what I hoped she would - reconnect with friends and just be social and active. However, I've been back for 5 weeks now - and that hasn't changed. Literally every single thing she has done has been for herself - with her friends. Sometimes I get invited - other times I'm definitely feeling like an afterthought.

 

I clearly communicated, within the first week of being home, that I was longing for some time with her to "reconnect". Undivided attention. A date. "Us" time. Finally, after probably 10 times of being very specific about this need - she caved and set aside a single day for me this upcoming weekend.

 

It just feels like there's *always* something else going on, getting in the way of spending solid, quality time with *just* me. We've always had what I think is a good balance in our lives - hobbies, friends, etc. But over the last month, it is HEAVILY tilted to her needs being met above those of the relationship.

 

I'm at a loss. I feel unprioritized. I feel alone within the relationship. Given I've so clearly communicated a reasonable, easy to meet need and she willingly continues down the same path, I'm seeing few options. Sure, I'll bring it up at therapy - but that begs the question: Does she really need our therapist to tell her what I've already spoken?

 

She's reverted back to her "old" ways - not really telling me what's going on, saying "I'm going to lunch with a friend" and then texting me updates "I'm going to do this now and then I'm going to x, y, z while me and the kids are reasonably thinking we'll be having dinner together? She doesn't show up, doesn't ask about dinner etc?

 

From experience, it seems like any time we have a number of days apart (7+ days or so), she seems to go into a mode that is "this is what life was like when I was single". I'm not asking for much of her time here. I've expressed my feelings calmly, so many times on this one issue!

 

Thanks for any input you have.

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If carving out one day to be with you after multiple requests is a burden to her, it's clear that the relationship may be coming to an end. It sounds like you're more roommates than lovers.

 

Have you had a serious conversation with her about how you see the future if these behaviors continue?

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Have you discussed what you've shared with us, with her ?

 

All of it, just as you did here.

 

Does she know you've been considering marriage?

 

It really appears like there is a total breakdown of communication.

 

For some reason, it also appears like she does not trust you.

 

I don't mean trust you not to cheat but trust you with her deeper feelings, about herself, about what's going on with her and how she is feeling about your relationship.

 

Clearly, there is a reason she is behaving this way, so my advice is to gently and respectifully ask her what she's feeling and what she wants. No accusations, just an open and honest discussion re the status and future of your relationship.

 

If she continues to evade the subject, or gaslight you in any way, consider ending, the relationship may have simply run it's course.

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If carving out one day to be with you after multiple requests is a burden to her, it's clear that the relationship may be coming to an end. It sounds like you're more roommates than lovers.

 

Have you had a serious conversation with her about how you see the future if these behaviors continue?

 

I've been clear that my needs are not being met and that I do not want to be in a relationship where such an easy request cannot be met. I've explained that, for me, a great relationship strikes a balance, but neither of us should have our requests (within reason) so willingly ignored or swept under a rug.

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She's reverted back to her "old" ways - not really telling me what's going on, saying "I'm going to lunch with a friend" and then texting me updates "I'm going to do this now and then I'm going to x, y, z while me and the kids are reasonably thinking we'll be having dinner together? She doesn't show up, doesn't ask about dinner etc?

 

So I am guessing this has a lot to do with why you two started therapy to begin with?

 

It seems she hasn't reverted to her old ways as much as simply being who she truly is, which is evidently not committed in the way you would hope. Perhaps she tried some other strategies and approaches for a while because she knew it was what she "should" do for the sake of the relationship, but it's not how she sincerely wants to live her life.

 

I think you would be wise to step back and ask yourself if you want to feel like you have to convince your own partner to spend time with you, like she has to pencil you in rather than being enthusiastic about seeing you. If not, it is likely time to think about seeking a new partner. She can't feign interest that she just doesn't have.

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I've been clear that my needs are not being met and that I do not want to be in a relationship where such an easy request cannot be met. I've explained that, for me, a great relationship strikes a balance, but neither of us should have our requests (within reason) so willingly ignored or swept under a rug.

 

This was the "wrong" way to approach this with her, see my previous post.

 

You made it all about you, your needs aren't being met, you don't feel like a priority, and it's all her fault.

 

No wonder she's shutting down.

 

As I said in my previous post, sadly she does not trust you w her feelings.

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Have you discussed what you've shared with us, with her ?

 

All of it, just as you did here.

 

Does she know you've been considering marriage?

 

It really appears like there is a total breakdown of communication.

 

For some reason, it also appears like she does not trust yiu.

 

I don't mean trust you not to cheat but trust you with her deeper feelings, about herself, about what's going on with her and how she is feeling about your relationship.

 

Clearly, there is a reason she is behaving this way, so my advice is to gently and respectifully ask her what she's feeling and what she wants. No accusations, just an open and honest discussion re the status and future of your relationship.

 

If she continues to evade the subject, or gaslight you in any way, consider ending, thevrelatiinship may have simply run it's course.

 

Yes, I have spoken to all of this directly with her. I told her when I was in europe - and given the path we'd been on, I was having "more future forward thoughts". I did not say "marriage" because she knows that is a relationship goal for me. Stated from the beginning.

 

I do "suspect" the rest of what you are saying here.

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I've been clear that my needs are not being met and that I do not want to be in a relationship where such an easy request cannot be met. I've explained that, for me, a great relationship strikes a balance, but neither of us should have our requests (within reason) so willingly ignored or swept under a rug.

 

You've obviously done your share of trying to make the relationship work. It can't be one-sided. If she's not willing to meet you half way, you may want to face the unhappy facts.

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I think it's time you sit down with her and tell her straight out that you are hoping for her to make your relationship a priority. That you hope her time is spent either with you and the kids or you and her being a couple and least amount of time doing other things.

 

Of course people still need to spend time on their own and doing their own things, but it sounds as though she is taking this too far and is more interested in the single life rather than being a part of a serious couple or a family.

 

If that's the case, you can't fix it. You can't force her and you can't change it.

All you can do is accept and either stay, knowing how it's going to be, or tell you it's over and you need more than she is willing to offer.

 

But it does sound as though she is being very selfish. You need to tell her your needs and what how you need it to be, in order for you to be happy and feel loved.

Things needs to change or things will go from bad to worse and potentially an end for good.

 

But in my experience, how she is, is how she is. You cannot force someone to care more, or to be interested more.

She might change momentarily to appease you, but it will eventually revert back to the same.

 

For now though, all you can do is give it one last go and if it still isn't working, you need to accept that and move on either with her or without her.

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The only thing you can do is step back and appear less needy or clingy. She is in a state right now where she's reminiscing and re-living her earlier days (as a single person as she characterizes it). Your instincts may be to request for more time together but when a person shows you that they're not ready for that, it's best not to force the issue. This is not normal or usual behaviour in a relationship (to disconnect this way) and seems to me that she's not feeling good when she's around you, period.

 

I suspect she's figuring things out on her end and working through some emotions of her own. She seems to also be telling you in her actions that she needs to spend more time with her friends. With all those emotions it's not hard to feel insulted, terribly hurt and upset. Her friends are giving her something that she can't get from the relationship and I think this is where you need to listen very carefully. It appears that something in the relationship is stressing her out or depleting/draining her energy. There is something about you (in your need and wants) that isn't helping the overall situation. If you're insecure, needing affirmation more than usual (affirmation of love whether verbal or physical), if you constantly expect her to be something she's not or expect her to behave in some way or ask questions she hasn't asked for example, you're not accepting her as she is. This pushes the relationship into a different imbalance. She senses nothing she does is good enough for you, not even just simply being home for you. She has to ask the right questions even though she might not be in the mood or just not interested at the time.

 

Of course you are entitled to feeling slighted and sad about it. I'm just cautioning you to hold back a little in your judgment and place less emphasis on her validations as you're coming across as a bit needy and this can drain another person. You asked to spend time as a date too many times. She needs to see you flourish in your own life and sustain yourself on your own without falling apart.

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This was the "wrong" way to approach this with her, see my previous post.

 

You made it all about you, your needs aren't being met, you don't feel like a priority, and it's all her fault.

 

No wonder she's shutting down.

 

 

 

I actually think I'm saying the opposite - that she is all about herself and not giving any consideration to what is best for the relationship.

 

Any time she comes to me with a request, I prioritize that and make sure that happens while balancing the rest of life. Easy compromise to me.

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I actually think I'm saying the opposite - that she is all about herself and not giving any consideration to what is best for the relationship.

 

Any time she comes to me with a request, I prioritize that and make sure that happens while balancing the rest of life. Easy compromise to me.

 

Time to just end it.

 

She clearly does not trust you to share her true feelings, you blame/resent her for not "giving" more, meeting your needs, for the love of *, just end it.

 

Sorry.

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You made it all about you, your needs aren't being met, you don't feel like a priority, and it's all her fault.

 

No wonder she's shutting down.

 

To some degree, I do agree with this. When you talk with her, ask her if she's happy or not and if there is a reason why she no longer feels interested in talking with you.

You can also ask her if she's more happier out with her friends and what it is she might be getting from them that she's not getting from you.

 

However, it could be just the case that she is just this type of person. That she is more selfish. I am not trying to sound cynical but realistic. Some people are just more self inclined and you can't fix or change that.

 

Another talk hopefully will help, but if you have already tried, I'm not sure it will change much.

 

You can give it one last go though and go for from there.

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Fair point Sherry but they have been together four years, and from what OP has shared, her selfish behavior is relatively recent.

 

They sought counseling, it help for a bit, he went off to Europe on business, and when he returned she was back in shut down mode.

 

I could be wrong, but putting myself in her shoes, she is troubled by something, causing her to shut down.

 

But you could be right too, and after four years, he's finally seeing the true her.

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Fair point Sherry but they have been together four years, and from what OP has shared, her selfish behavior is relatively recent.

 

That's what I'm not so sure about, given that OP said this: "She's reverted back to her "old" ways - not really telling me what's going on, saying "I'm going to lunch with a friend" and then texting me updates "I'm going to do this now and then I'm going to x, y, z while me and the kids are reasonably thinking we'll be having dinner together? She doesn't show up, doesn't ask about dinner etc?"

 

OP, can you clarify - is this indeed a recent shift in her behaviour, or has she been this detached for quite some time?

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OP, can you clarify - is this indeed a recent shift in her behaviour, or has she been this detached for quite some time?

 

I echo this^, and OP it would be helpful if you clarified.

 

I admit, I am a bit confused as you stated you have had your "ups and downs" over the years, but neglected to tell us what those were.

 

So a bit difficult to get a true picture of what's going on.

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Fair point Sherry but they have been together four years, and from what OP has shared, her selfish behavior is relatively recent.

 

They sought counseling, it help for a bit, he went off to Europe on business, and when he returned she was back in shut down mode.

 

I could be wrong, but putting myself in her shoes, she is troubled by something, causing her to shut down.

 

But you could be right too, and after four years, he's finally seeing the true her.

 

It's not recent according to his previous thread on this subject... which was over 2 years ago. I wholeheartedly agree she is troubled by something but I think it's been ongoing for awhile. From the OP we get the perspective that she is selfish, self-centered, and not to be trusted (based on previous threads) however I do wonder what her perspective on the relationship is and what she feels the problems are.

 

At any rate, given how long this has been going on I am not sure why you continue to go around in circles with her... she clearly has no desire to do anything differently or to accommodate what you are asking, so perhaps it's time to consider letting it go.

 

One thing I also noticed from previous threads is that OP seems to be attracted to women who are somewhat emotionally unavailable... perhaps something to consider OP if you want a relationship with someone that is willing to accommodate you and meet your needs in the future.

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I echo this^, and OP it would be helpful if you clarified.

 

I admit, I am a bit confused as you stated you have had your "ups and downs" over the years, but neglected to tell us what those were.

 

So a bit difficult to get a true picture of what's going on.

 

This is her behavior when something's "off" for her. It could be the relationship, her health, her job etc.

 

Our ups and downs have primarily revolved around my feelings. When I have them, she resorts to anger and shutting down - rather than hearing what I'm saying and the two of us communicating to find resolution.

 

When she has feelings, I listen carefully and enact any change that I feel is beneficial to both of us. Not sacrificing who I am or what I want in life - just simple things that address directly her feelings, improve our relationship and likely make us both better people for it.

 

So, no, this is not "new" behavior - it's just been a long time since this behavior has arisen.

 

Yeah, hitting the point where my thoughts are about something better for me. It feels one-sided. Pet rock situation. I give too much and am waking up to the fact that it will rarely if ever be reciprocal.

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This was the "wrong" way to approach this with her, see my previous post.

 

You made it all about you, your needs aren't being met, you don't feel like a priority, and it's all her fault.

 

No wonder she's shutting down.

 

As I said in my previous post, sadly she does not trust you w her feelings.

 

Thanks for your replies.

 

Can you clarify that last part about "trust" for me? I've always been a great listener and supporter when she is *able* to communicate her feelings to me. She would tell you the same.

 

She's not a good communicator and we've been working on that in therapy. Our therapist calls her out for globalizing everything. Her first resort is normally anger/defensive - which is what I am faced with when I communicate my own feelings.

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Thanks for your replies.

 

Can you clarify that last part about "trust" for me? I've always been a great listener and supporter when she is *able* to communicate her feelings to me. She would tell you the same.

 

She's not a good communicator and we've been working on that in therapy. Our therapist calls her out for globalizing everything. Her first resort is normally anger/defensive - which is what I am faced with when I communicate my own feelings.

 

It's impossible to say why she doesn't trust you, but the fact she becomes so angry and defensive would suggest something very serious is troubling her about the way you communicate and/or even how you interact with her.

 

What I can say with more certainty is that while you perceive your behavior one way (a good listener, supportive, the "good" guy), she may perceive your behavior in a completely different way - perhaps as somewhat manipulative, or controlling, self-serving.

 

And I am sure she doesn't appreciate being pegged he "bad guy" in all this either.

 

She's a bad communicator, she's gets angry and defensive when I try to talk to her, she's this, she's that, ugh.

 

It takes two to make a relationship, and two to break it.

 

This may be as simple as you're just incompatible and have spent the last four years trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.

 

Or, you need to do some introspection into how your own behavior contributed to the breakdown, it's rarely or ever the fault of just one person; it's the dynamic you have developed together.

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Thanks for your replies.

 

Can you clarify that last part about "trust" for me? I've always been a great listener and supporter when she is *able* to communicate her feelings to me. She would tell you the same.

 

She's not a good communicator and we've been working on that in therapy. Our therapist calls her out for globalizing everything. Her first resort is normally anger/defensive - which is what I am faced with when I communicate my own feelings.

 

I am curious as to how you communicate your feelings?

 

Because my ex would claim that I never listened to him etc when he talked about how he felt... he thought he was communicating his feelings, in reality he was actually criticizing me by telling me what I was doing wrong... and expecting me to jump to attention and bend over backwards to make him happy... all the while refusing to look at his own part in the situation. The end result... me shutting down and disconnected from our relationship, and spending time with people that appreciated me and accepted me for who I was.

 

In my current relationship when my partner talks about how he feels, he is actually talking about his emotions... and we connect instantly as a result... and that connection motivates me to be the best person I can be in our relationship because I honor and appreciate the trust he puts in me to communicate that way.

 

Not saying it’s your fault just that you paint a picture of her being the broken one and you being the perfect one.... and this may be why she is shutting down around you.

 

Food for thought.

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I am curious as to how you communicate your feelings?

 

Because my ex would claim that I never listened to him etc when he talked about how he felt... he thought he was communicating his feelings, in reality he was actually criticizing me by telling me what I was doing wrong... and expecting me to jump to attention and bend over backwards to make him happy... all the while refusing to look at his own part in the situation. The end result... me shutting down and disconnected from our relationship, and spending time with people that appreciated me and accepted me for who I was.

 

In my current relationship when my partner talks about how he feels, he is actually talking about his emotions... and we connect instantly as a result... and that connection motivates me to be the best person I can be in our relationship because I honor and appreciate the trust he puts in me to communicate that way.

 

Not saying it’s your fault just that you paint a picture of her being the broken one and you being the perfect one.... and this may be why she is shutting down around you.

 

Food for thought.

 

Beautifully stated maew and sort of echoes what I had posted as well, in my previous post.

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I am curious as to how you communicate your feelings?

 

Because my ex would claim that I never listened to him etc when he talked about how he felt... he thought he was communicating his feelings, in reality he was actually criticizing me by telling me what I was doing wrong... and expecting me to jump to attention and bend over backwards to make him happy... all the while refusing to look at his own part in the situation. The end result... me shutting down and disconnected from our relationship, and spending time with people that appreciated me and accepted me for who I was.

 

In my current relationship when my partner talks about how he feels, he is actually talking about his emotions... and we connect instantly as a result... and that connection motivates me to be the best person I can be in our relationship because I honor and appreciate the trust he puts in me to communicate that way.

 

Not saying it’s your fault just that you paint a picture of her being the broken one and you being the perfect one.... and this may be why she is shutting down around you.

 

Food for thought.

 

 

 

thank you. I will eat that food for thought and make sure I approach our next counseling appt from this angle.

 

When i speak with her directly, I do *feel* that I am communicating my emotions and not pointing fingers - so I definitely need more guidance on how do you communicate your emotions without that person turning it back on you (feeling responsible for those emotions) and saying they can't do anything right? And for this one, even after the point was made, the behavior continued and then it becomes "I can't do anything right" or "I'm always disappointing you"? I mean, we discussed this - she (days later) said she understood and then it continued. When they KNOW what they are doing (willingly) is increasing the negative emotions, but don't make a compromise?

 

I am FAR from perfect. I've put in a ton of work to better myself over the years - and even more work within my current relationship. Not just my behaviors, but the way I eat, exercise, socialize etc. Always a work in progress - and always asking myself what I could have done better/differently.

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