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Thread: Not feeling like a priority

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    This was the "wrong" way to approach this with her, see my previous post.

    You made it all about you, your needs aren't being met, you don't feel like a priority, and it's all her fault.

    No wonder she's shutting down.

    As I said in my previous post, sadly she does not trust you w her feelings.
    Thanks for your replies.

    Can you clarify that last part about "trust" for me? I've always been a great listener and supporter when she is *able* to communicate her feelings to me. She would tell you the same.

    She's not a good communicator and we've been working on that in therapy. Our therapist calls her out for globalizing everything. Her first resort is normally anger/defensive - which is what I am faced with when I communicate my own feelings.

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by AnonymousSloth
    Thanks for your replies.

    Can you clarify that last part about "trust" for me? I've always been a great listener and supporter when she is *able* to communicate her feelings to me. She would tell you the same.

    She's not a good communicator and we've been working on that in therapy. Our therapist calls her out for globalizing everything. Her first resort is normally anger/defensive - which is what I am faced with when I communicate my own feelings.
    It's impossible to say why she doesn't trust you, but the fact she becomes so angry and defensive would suggest something very serious is troubling her about the way you communicate and/or even how you interact with her.

    What I can say with more certainty is that while you perceive your behavior one way (a good listener, supportive, the "good" guy), she may perceive your behavior in a completely different way - perhaps as somewhat manipulative, or controlling, self-serving.

    And I am sure she doesn't appreciate being pegged he "bad guy" in all this either.

    She's a bad communicator, she's gets angry and defensive when I try to talk to her, she's this, she's that, ugh.

    It takes two to make a relationship, and two to break it.

    This may be as simple as you're just incompatible and have spent the last four years trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.

    Or, you need to do some introspection into how your own behavior contributed to the breakdown, it's rarely or ever the fault of just one person; it's the dynamic you have developed together.

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by AnonymousSloth
    Thanks for your replies.

    Can you clarify that last part about "trust" for me? I've always been a great listener and supporter when she is *able* to communicate her feelings to me. She would tell you the same.

    She's not a good communicator and we've been working on that in therapy. Our therapist calls her out for globalizing everything. Her first resort is normally anger/defensive - which is what I am faced with when I communicate my own feelings.
    I am curious as to how you communicate your feelings?

    Because my ex would claim that I never listened to him etc when he talked about how he felt... he thought he was communicating his feelings, in reality he was actually criticizing me by telling me what I was doing wrong... and expecting me to jump to attention and bend over backwards to make him happy... all the while refusing to look at his own part in the situation. The end result... me shutting down and disconnected from our relationship, and spending time with people that appreciated me and accepted me for who I was.

    In my current relationship when my partner talks about how he feels, he is actually talking about his emotions... and we connect instantly as a result... and that connection motivates me to be the best person I can be in our relationship because I honor and appreciate the trust he puts in me to communicate that way.

    Not saying itís your fault just that you paint a picture of her being the broken one and you being the perfect one.... and this may be why she is shutting down around you.

    Food for thought.

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by maew
    I am curious as to how you communicate your feelings?

    Because my ex would claim that I never listened to him etc when he talked about how he felt... he thought he was communicating his feelings, in reality he was actually criticizing me by telling me what I was doing wrong... and expecting me to jump to attention and bend over backwards to make him happy... all the while refusing to look at his own part in the situation. The end result... me shutting down and disconnected from our relationship, and spending time with people that appreciated me and accepted me for who I was.

    In my current relationship when my partner talks about how he feels, he is actually talking about his emotions... and we connect instantly as a result... and that connection motivates me to be the best person I can be in our relationship because I honor and appreciate the trust he puts in me to communicate that way.

    Not saying itís your fault just that you paint a picture of her being the broken one and you being the perfect one.... and this may be why she is shutting down around you.

    Food for thought.
    Beautifully stated maew and sort of echoes what I had posted as well, in my previous post.

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by maew
    I am curious as to how you communicate your feelings?

    Because my ex would claim that I never listened to him etc when he talked about how he felt... he thought he was communicating his feelings, in reality he was actually criticizing me by telling me what I was doing wrong... and expecting me to jump to attention and bend over backwards to make him happy... all the while refusing to look at his own part in the situation. The end result... me shutting down and disconnected from our relationship, and spending time with people that appreciated me and accepted me for who I was.

    In my current relationship when my partner talks about how he feels, he is actually talking about his emotions... and we connect instantly as a result... and that connection motivates me to be the best person I can be in our relationship because I honor and appreciate the trust he puts in me to communicate that way.

    Not saying itís your fault just that you paint a picture of her being the broken one and you being the perfect one.... and this may be why she is shutting down around you.

    Food for thought.


    thank you. I will eat that food for thought and make sure I approach our next counseling appt from this angle.

    When i speak with her directly, I do *feel* that I am communicating my emotions and not pointing fingers - so I definitely need more guidance on how do you communicate your emotions without that person turning it back on you (feeling responsible for those emotions) and saying they can't do anything right? And for this one, even after the point was made, the behavior continued and then it becomes "I can't do anything right" or "I'm always disappointing you"? I mean, we discussed this - she (days later) said she understood and then it continued. When they KNOW what they are doing (willingly) is increasing the negative emotions, but don't make a compromise?

    I am FAR from perfect. I've put in a ton of work to better myself over the years - and even more work within my current relationship. Not just my behaviors, but the way I eat, exercise, socialize etc. Always a work in progress - and always asking myself what I could have done better/differently.

  7. #26
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    Any chance she's started seeing someone else?

    I mean... All the I'm doing this and that and missing dinners and whatever else.... Tell me that wouldn't fit the bill.

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by Rabican
    Any chance she's started seeing someone else?

    I mean... All the I'm doing this and that and missing dinners and whatever else.... Tell me that wouldn't fit the bill.
    I don't think so, but hey - you never know.

    Recent incident - She's been talking about us going to a soccer match together. It hadn't come up in awhile - and knowing her circle of soccer friends I found it quite odd I hadn't heard anything about it. I asked her about it - "hey, when is that, are we still planning on going, did you secure tix yet?" - She said she didn't have tix yet etc etc - and I noticed a complete lack of eye contact - and perhaps a whiff of mild panic - in her response.

    I thought about this for awhile and it struck me as a little odd. I *know* the crew of people going would be ALL over this the moment tix went on sale (it's a USWNT match). I got on my computer to check my work emails this morning and her email was up... I'm ashamed to admit it, but given how things were going I just couldn't help myself and searched for "tickets" and sure enough - two tickets purchased last week.

    I'm not sure how to even address this. She lied to me. Who's the other ticket for (probably one of her girl soccer friends, but who know)? For my part, I snooped. crappy feeling all around.

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by AnonymousSloth
    I don't think so, but hey - you never know.

    Recent incident - She's been talking about us going to a soccer match together. It hadn't come up in awhile - and knowing her circle of soccer friends I found it quite odd I hadn't heard anything about it. I asked her about it - "hey, when is that, are we still planning on going, did you secure tix yet?" - She said she didn't have tix yet etc etc - and I noticed a complete lack of eye contact - and perhaps a whiff of mild panic - in her response.

    I thought about this for awhile and it struck me as a little odd. I *know* the crew of people going would be ALL over this the moment tix went on sale (it's a USWNT match). I got on my computer to check my work emails this morning and her email was up... I'm ashamed to admit it, but given how things were going I just couldn't help myself and searched for "tickets" and sure enough - two tickets purchased last week.

    I'm not sure how to even address this. She lied to me. Who's the other ticket for (probably one of her girl soccer friends, but who know)? For my part, I snooped. crappy feeling all around.
    To clarify, as part of my asking her about this - I did let on that I was concerned I was left out, given how things have been going. So it doesn't seem possible to me that IF she had purchased that second ticket for me, that she wouldn't have said so right then and there.

  10. #29
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    While I don't think this relationship is in a good place - perhaps she was planning to surprise you with the tickets?

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    While I don't think this relationship is in a good place - perhaps she was planning to surprise you with the tickets?
    I considered that. Did you see my post just above yours? It seems to me that would be the time she mentions the surprise. Very curious to see how tonight plays out. I'm just going to remain silent about what I discovered and see what happens.

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