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Thread: Not feeling like a priority

  1. #11
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I think it's time you sit down with her and tell her straight out that you are hoping for her to make your relationship a priority. That you hope her time is spent either with you and the kids or you and her being a couple and least amount of time doing other things.

    Of course people still need to spend time on their own and doing their own things, but it sounds as though she is taking this too far and is more interested in the single life rather than being a part of a serious couple or a family.

    If that's the case, you can't fix it. You can't force her and you can't change it.
    All you can do is accept and either stay, knowing how it's going to be, or tell you it's over and you need more than she is willing to offer.

    But it does sound as though she is being very selfish. You need to tell her your needs and what how you need it to be, in order for you to be happy and feel loved.
    Things needs to change or things will go from bad to worse and potentially an end for good.

    But in my experience, how she is, is how she is. You cannot force someone to care more, or to be interested more.
    She might change momentarily to appease you, but it will eventually revert back to the same.

    For now though, all you can do is give it one last go and if it still isn't working, you need to accept that and move on either with her or without her.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    The only thing you can do is step back and appear less needy or clingy. She is in a state right now where she's reminiscing and re-living her earlier days (as a single person as she characterizes it). Your instincts may be to request for more time together but when a person shows you that they're not ready for that, it's best not to force the issue. This is not normal or usual behaviour in a relationship (to disconnect this way) and seems to me that she's not feeling good when she's around you, period.

    I suspect she's figuring things out on her end and working through some emotions of her own. She seems to also be telling you in her actions that she needs to spend more time with her friends. With all those emotions it's not hard to feel insulted, terribly hurt and upset. Her friends are giving her something that she can't get from the relationship and I think this is where you need to listen very carefully. It appears that something in the relationship is stressing her out or depleting/draining her energy. There is something about you (in your need and wants) that isn't helping the overall situation. If you're insecure, needing affirmation more than usual (affirmation of love whether verbal or physical), if you constantly expect her to be something she's not or expect her to behave in some way or ask questions she hasn't asked for example, you're not accepting her as she is. This pushes the relationship into a different imbalance. She senses nothing she does is good enough for you, not even just simply being home for you. She has to ask the right questions even though she might not be in the mood or just not interested at the time.

    Of course you are entitled to feeling slighted and sad about it. I'm just cautioning you to hold back a little in your judgment and place less emphasis on her validations as you're coming across as a bit needy and this can drain another person. You asked to spend time as a date too many times. She needs to see you flourish in your own life and sustain yourself on your own without falling apart.

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    This was the "wrong" way to approach this with her, see my previous post.

    You made it all about you, your needs aren't being met, you don't feel like a priority, and it's all her fault.

    No wonder she's shutting down.


    I actually think I'm saying the opposite - that she is all about herself and not giving any consideration to what is best for the relationship.

    Any time she comes to me with a request, I prioritize that and make sure that happens while balancing the rest of life. Easy compromise to me.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by AnonymousSloth
    I actually think I'm saying the opposite - that she is all about herself and not giving any consideration to what is best for the relationship.

    Any time she comes to me with a request, I prioritize that and make sure that happens while balancing the rest of life. Easy compromise to me.
    Time to just end it.

    She clearly does not trust you to share her true feelings, you blame/resent her for not "giving" more, meeting your needs, for the love of *, just end it.

    Sorry.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    You made it all about you, your needs aren't being met, you don't feel like a priority, and it's all her fault.

    No wonder she's shutting down.
    To some degree, I do agree with this. When you talk with her, ask her if she's happy or not and if there is a reason why she no longer feels interested in talking with you.
    You can also ask her if she's more happier out with her friends and what it is she might be getting from them that she's not getting from you.

    However, it could be just the case that she is just this type of person. That she is more selfish. I am not trying to sound cynical but realistic. Some people are just more self inclined and you can't fix or change that.

    Another talk hopefully will help, but if you have already tried, I'm not sure it will change much.

    You can give it one last go though and go for from there.

  7. #16
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    Fair point Sherry but they have been together four years, and from what OP has shared, her selfish behavior is relatively recent.

    They sought counseling, it help for a bit, he went off to Europe on business, and when he returned she was back in shut down mode.

    I could be wrong, but putting myself in her shoes, she is troubled by something, causing her to shut down.

    But you could be right too, and after four years, he's finally seeing the true her.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    Fair point Sherry but they have been together four years, and from what OP has shared, her selfish behavior is relatively recent.
    That's what I'm not so sure about, given that OP said this: "She's reverted back to her "old" ways - not really telling me what's going on, saying "I'm going to lunch with a friend" and then texting me updates "I'm going to do this now and then I'm going to x, y, z while me and the kids are reasonably thinking we'll be having dinner together? She doesn't show up, doesn't ask about dinner etc?"

    OP, can you clarify - is this indeed a recent shift in her behaviour, or has she been this detached for quite some time?

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck

    OP, can you clarify - is this indeed a recent shift in her behaviour, or has she been this detached for quite some time?
    I echo this^, and OP it would be helpful if you clarified.

    I admit, I am a bit confused as you stated you have had your "ups and downs" over the years, but neglected to tell us what those were.

    So a bit difficult to get a true picture of what's going on.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    Fair point Sherry but they have been together four years, and from what OP has shared, her selfish behavior is relatively recent.

    They sought counseling, it help for a bit, he went off to Europe on business, and when he returned she was back in shut down mode.

    I could be wrong, but putting myself in her shoes, she is troubled by something, causing her to shut down.

    But you could be right too, and after four years, he's finally seeing the true her.
    It's not recent according to his previous thread on this subject... which was over 2 years ago. I wholeheartedly agree she is troubled by something but I think it's been ongoing for awhile. From the OP we get the perspective that she is selfish, self-centered, and not to be trusted (based on previous threads) however I do wonder what her perspective on the relationship is and what she feels the problems are.

    At any rate, given how long this has been going on I am not sure why you continue to go around in circles with her... she clearly has no desire to do anything differently or to accommodate what you are asking, so perhaps it's time to consider letting it go.

    One thing I also noticed from previous threads is that OP seems to be attracted to women who are somewhat emotionally unavailable... perhaps something to consider OP if you want a relationship with someone that is willing to accommodate you and meet your needs in the future.

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    I echo this^, and OP it would be helpful if you clarified.

    I admit, I am a bit confused as you stated you have had your "ups and downs" over the years, but neglected to tell us what those were.

    So a bit difficult to get a true picture of what's going on.
    This is her behavior when something's "off" for her. It could be the relationship, her health, her job etc.

    Our ups and downs have primarily revolved around my feelings. When I have them, she resorts to anger and shutting down - rather than hearing what I'm saying and the two of us communicating to find resolution.

    When she has feelings, I listen carefully and enact any change that I feel is beneficial to both of us. Not sacrificing who I am or what I want in life - just simple things that address directly her feelings, improve our relationship and likely make us both better people for it.

    So, no, this is not "new" behavior - it's just been a long time since this behavior has arisen.

    Yeah, hitting the point where my thoughts are about something better for me. It feels one-sided. Pet rock situation. I give too much and am waking up to the fact that it will rarely if ever be reciprocal.

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