Trapped in a failing marriage; having an affair and in love w them

My husband (M31) and I (31F) have been together for four years, married for two. Our relationship had already started to struggle when we got married - we hadn't been having sex for quite a long time (I'm not physically attracted to him) and although he is not abusive and is a very lovely human and good man who adores and would do anything for me, his constant anger and negativity was beginning to really, really bring me down and is only getting worse. I don't really think we should have got married and was having doubts leading up to and on my wedding day.

A year ago I met another man (38M) online. I wasn't looking for someone - we had spoken a little before and started talking properly because we work in the same industry and had a shared problem, though we weren't friends. I instantly felt an incredible connection and we quickly began to speak for hours every single day, getting on so, so well. Things progressed and eventually, after six months of just talking constantly, we started having a physical affair at the end of last year. We now see each other all the time - it is basically a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship - though my husband doesn't have any clue and nor do any of our friends. I wouldn't just cheat on my husband with anyone - this man is special and fills my heart with, he is so positive, wonderful and well-matched to me; I think we love each other, though we haven't said it yet. He wants to be with me properly / long-term, though obviously don't want to put all my stock into that, and don't want to make him seem like a knight in shining armour who's here to solve all my problems when he is a flawed human like the rest of us. Still, our joy and contentment when we are together is amazing and so precious to me and the thought of living without him is unbearable. I am, of course, aware that this relationship is probably quite rose-tinted-glasses and it, like all, could easily fizzle out or turn sour too after however many months or years.

I really, really don't want to hurt my husband and feel so awful that this is happening, but if I stay with him I think I will be miserable for the rest of my life. What is so hard is that on the surface nothing would appear to be hugely wrong with our relationship so I don't feel like there are any surefire justifications I can give him/others or have in my mind for ending it, but I cannot stand him touching or being romantic or sexual with me, don't think I could have children with him though he wants them, and can not take how he takes his anger out on me all the time and fills my life with a constant negativity, which is just his way of being. On the other hand, I feel like a fool for wanting to leave someone who loves me so much and wants us to spend the rest of our lives together, but the relationship is just so damaged (and would have been even had I not started this affair) and I don't think it can be saved. I love him as a brother / family member, but he wants us to be together the rest of our lives. He thinks our marriage is save-able and we are just going through a hard patch; I have tried to tell him that I want a trial separation but he just bursts into tears and screams at me and acts like it will kill him if I leave him. Doing so feels like it would be an extremely difficult, arduous, stressful and horrible life upheaval too which I don't know if I could handle anyway, so I feel utterly trapped.

Am I being a fool and should just work harder at my marriage and accept that all marriages have problems, and end things with the other man, or should I just be brave and end my marriage, even though things might not work out with the other man? Please help with any advice you can, I know the situation can't continue and I can't take this much longer and have nobody to talk to. I would never want to hurt my husband, I care about him a lot and he is a good man, but I feel I cannot force myself to live an unhappy life.

Get divorced.

You haven’t had sex for a long time because you are not “physically attracted” to him?

Were you EVER physically attracted to him?

Why did you even date him if no physical attraction? Or did he pile on the pounds or something??

You say you don’t want to hurt him, so why have an affair? Just because he doesn’t know about it now, doesn’t mean he will never learn about it? Every single time you even text that other guy you are hurting him , because in that moment you are not being the wife he deserves. And he does deserve better than you.

So end it already! No one will care if your affair works in your favour , although the likelihood is that it won’t. Seriously a guy willing to have an affair with a married woman does so because he doesn’t have the responsibility of a partner and just enjoys the icing on the cake. It’s a fantasy “relationship” that he likely has no intention of turning it real.

Please leave your unattractive husband so he can find someone who thinks he is attractive.

After reading your post several times the only answer I can come up with is file for divorce - the sooner the better. Your husband deserves better.

Your selfishness and shortsightedness is overwhelming. Please get divorced.

What a mess.

Unfortunately I lack sympathy. Why did you marry someone who you are not attracted to? And why the hell did you decide that the answer to your problems was to start banging someone else? It seems to me that you don't think things through properly!

I think you should end your marriage since it seems like whatever happens you will just be flogging a dead horse and dragging your husband along through more pain.

However, don't end it with a view to being with this other bloke. I think you should dump him also. He can't be that good of a character if he's willing to engage in an affair with a married woman. Does he have a partner of his own?

Seriously a guy willing to have an affair with a married woman does so because he doesn’t have the responsibility of a partner and just enjoys the icing on the cake. It’s a fantasy “relationship” that he likely has no intention of turning it real.

Yes, exactly!

I bet that once you are divorced and fully available to commit to this other guy, all of a sudden things will change and he won't be interested anymore. You heard it here first!

PS - @Billie (Maggie) - Hello!

While I cannot in any way condone the choices you have made to cheat on your husband, I have to wonder why you have had so much anger and negativity from him. If it's only since you started with the other fella then I suspect you have been treating your husband with disrespect or disdain. If he was already like that then have you ever got to the root of why he is so angry? It sounds like you should never have married and would both do better apart.

You aren't trapped. You can file for divorce and leave him any time you want. Should have never ever married him in the first place.

You say you don't want to hurt him? Cheating is the worst kind of pain you can inflict on another person, so that ship has already sailed. Please get your head on straight and file for divorce. He will get over that, but few people get over cheating.

Never too late to be a decent person. Shoulder the burden of your guilt, don't say a word about your infidelity, and file for divorce. Make better life decisions in the future rather than marrying someone you're not attracted to and whom you're doubting altogether leading up to the very day of the wedding.

The only person trapping you is yourself, OP.

You can leave your marriage if you want. That's not to minimize the guilt you will feel for hurting your husband, or to downplay the difficulty of navigating a divorce. It won't be easy. But you are free to go.

It sounds like you got married for all the wrong reasons and are now seeing why that was such a misguided choice. Don' put your husband through this pantomime of a marriage any longer. Set him free, so that he might find someone who does love him in ways you never have. Don't count on your affair partner being there, either. Sometimes that works out, but more often than not, it doesn't last after the married party has become single.

I agree, time to leave this marriage which should never have happened in the first place. Get a divorce and both of you move on with your lives.

It's already over. It was over the moment you checked out and started letting someone else (a third party) emotionally into your life before it even got physical. Humans are capable of all kinds of things but duplicity for a long period of time is often not sustainable. We are not wired as a social species to deceive and destroy our nuclear families and communities this way. It's probably one of the only winning attributes for some people and you're seeing it manifest in your guilt, questions and in yourself second-guessing your prior actions and what you should do.

I think you're also fearful deep down and afraid of what your husband might do because of his leaning towards violent or loud angry outbursts. You also seem fearful of disappointing your husband and recognizing, ultimately, that you are the cause of your own demise. This is never easy. We all make mistakes. It really depends how you clean this up and how you handle an already messy situation now that matters most. Take charge of whatever mistakes you've made and start making amends and living your life better, the way you prefer with the people you prefer in it. If you need a temporary place to stay or if you fear for your own safety, you should be open about your decision and lean on your support network (whether it's friends or family) and do what you have to do in order to get your life back in order.

We often cannot always do it alone. Try and recognize where things went wrong and what you need to do in order to make things right again. Don't be paralyzed anymore, stop living in perpetual fear and making fearful/duplicitous decisions and don't be afraid to do what's right for you from now onwards.

You've already hurt your husband so it's too late for that.

It is entirely possible that the guy you are cheating on your husband with will leave you at some point.. given that you lack integrity and that your "relationship" is built on a foundation of lies.

And I wonder if his negativity and anger stems from the fact that you are physically repulsed by him? I imagine that would be very hurtful to someone that you are supposed to be in love with.

As JMan says it's entirely possible for you to turn this around and become a better person. Stop being a coward and deal with the situation head on. You aren't doing your husband any favors by staying... you are in fact robbing him of the opportunity to be in a relationship with someone that is trustworthy and loves and appreciates all of him.

There are times when that greener grass isn't so green, after all. At any rate, it seems as if you're attempting to justify your reason to cheat, which never has and never will hold water.

It's time to face reality and do the right thing, yet you already know this.

You're not trapped, you're just unwilling to free your husband.

Hi there,

Relationships are so difficult. I went through this with my husband. He started cheating on me with his brother’s wife. It started with him talking with her all the time, meeting secretly, and then they started having a sexual relationship. So I know firsthand the effects of a divided heart.

I’m telling you this because I believe in marriage and my desire was for our marriage to last forever. If I had been given an opportunity, I would have gone to counseling with him to find out what we needed to do in order to repair those areas of our lives that were hurt and broken. Do you think that counseling may be an option that you would consider? I believe communication is so important and that our feelings are a choice we get to make. We can decide to love or hate, to laugh or cry, and to be friends or enemies. These are all choices we get to make every day. Right? I know it won’t be easy for you, but I pray that you’re able to work through this.

If there is the slightest chance that you have been intimate with your H AFTER being intimate with someone else, then please get tested for STIs and share any positive results with your H.

And end this marriage, get divorced.

You are not trapped. You are the one making all the informed CHOICES while you keep your husband in the dark. Things didn't just happen to you. You made a series of selfish crappy choices. You can stop at any time. Divorce your husband and stop wasting his time. YOUR cheating is not his fault no matter how much you try to pin it on his anger. You are keeping him stuck while looking to monkey branch and that's the epitome of tacky. Stop. Divorce the poor dude already. You and your "boyfriend" deserve each other. Don't leave him waiting.

I’m not going to judge you because I was involved with a MM and have been open about it. Listen...no one is perfect. Most people are not going to empathize with someone involved in an affair, mainly because unless they have themselves done it, they feel immune to the possibility of it ever happening to them. Guess what...it happens a lot. More than people realize because humans are flawed. I beat myself up for a long time but I finally forgave myself because I too am flawed. I truly DID love the married man I was seeing and I believe he did love me. We did not end up together but I still think of him . This doesn’t mean I’m a horrible unempathetic person...I’m quite the opposite .

That said, Having been through what I’ve been through I think you’re going to realize if you do some soul-searching that you’re having a hard time deciding who to be with then the answer is probably neither one. Step outside of both relationships and be alone for a while . If you jump from your marriage right into another relationship that is where you’re going to fail because you’re going to be racked with guilt and you’re basically starting another relationship on shaky ground.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with saying you’re unhappy in your marriage for whatever reasons they are . What is wrong is blaming your husband for things that he doesn’t even realize you’re unhappy about . So do the right thing and admit to him that you’re unhappy and you want to leave then leave and be alone . If you then decide you still want to see that man you can start over on a clean slate and in a proper relationship . One of the hardest things about being in an affair is not having the freedom to be open and honest . There’s no need to tell your husband you want to leave him for someone else so please don’t do that . .

Yes.

You are being a fool. You say you don't want to hurt your husband, but you already are! You say that you feel awful that this is happening, but you continue to do it! If you think a separation would be tough for your husband to handle, try telling him that you have been sleeping with another man.

You do not love this man...you are caught up in something that seems exciting and you are thriving on the secrecy and drama. I've recently watched two of my very close friends go through this exact same thing. It doesn't end well. EVER! All you are doing is alienating you family and friends...for some guy you met online. Trust me, they know that something is going on. "I wouldn't just cheat on my husband with anyone..." And yet, you are.

If you were not attracted to him, you should not have married him. You led him on and made him think that you loved him and wanted a family with him...I am not surprised that he seems negative. You state that he wants you to be together for the rest of your lives...well, THAT IS CALLED MARRIAGE! How would you feel if he were doing this to you?

You need to step back and look in the mirror. Are you truly OK with what you are doing? If you don't want to live an unhappy life, then stop the affair: it will only make you more unhappy. If you have to leave your husband, don't do it for another man. Do it with dignity. Regain your integrity, because you have completely lost it. Be the person that you know you should be.

I think it's probably time to get divorced. Your husband will be very hurt, and that is his right. I think you just have to accept that and file the papers. He might scream and call you names, your family might do the same, but it sounds like it's better to rip off that bandaid than stay the rest of your life in this marriage while having an affair.

Get divorced.

Pretty much sums it up eh?

I mean if you think you're having problems now what's it gonna be like when your husband is accusing you of being a lying backstabbing W#0&3 because you slept around? Or when you do your wifely duty eventually and have sex with your actual husband because in all likelihood you can't go forever without sex and you and up pregnant?

Jeez. Just run for the hills. Get a divorce don't go to counseling don't tell him what you did just end it and move on. Do him a favor and split amicably and walk away.