Partner and his self esteem issues

I've been with my partner for 18 months and In that time he's had a few issues with self esteem, thinking hes not good enough and compares himself to others, when he gets deep into these feelings he shuts me out, wont see me, break contact with me and then when he does have contact its him saying we need to end cus its the kindest thing to do, set me free, I finally get through to him and he comes out of it, sometimes it takes longer than other times, I can't walk away from him, I love him so much and walking would be an unkind thing to do, I'm at my wits end at the moment cus it's happening again! All I know is I want to spend the rest of my life with him, I keep telling him I can't stop fighting for him and let him set me free, help!

Replied in your identical thread: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=560441&p=7140260&viewfull=1#post7140260

Why in your opinion that walking away from a situation that causes you unhappiness is deemed unkind?

Why do you not deserve better?

Why are you putting his apparent happiness above yours? I say apparent because I don’t think he is actually happy in his relationship? He might outwardly think he “should” be but he isn’t!? And neither are you?

Why fix something that’s beyond repair?

Your relationship passed its expiry date. It’s sour.

Let it go!

You can’t “fix” people.

The thing is... you can never truly know if it’s what he says (self-esteem issues) or if it’s just that he’s unhappy in the relationship. He’s could be using “it’s not you, it’s me” as an excuse and he feels bad/gets sucked back in. You just don’t know. You will never know.

If he does have self-esteem issues to the point where it’s impacting his life and his relationships, he needs professional-level therapy to resolve it. It’s not something you can “love” out of him if you just love him enough.

If you are going to try to stay together, I think you need to make therapy a condition of doing so. It’s not fair for you to continue to go through this and it won’t stop until he gets help.

You can’t love someone else until you love yourself first. This goes for both of you.

I think he wants to end the relationship but you keep hanging on when you shouldn't. So he comes back because it's convenient, but not really what he wants.

You need to believe him that he isn't the one for you. When you have to convince someone to be with you, you're barking up the wrong tree. It's not about his self-esteem. It's about yours, or lack thereof.

I know this isn't what you want to hear but I think he wants to end the relationship and has done so several times by shutting himself away. Saying it's setting you free is a kind way to say he's not for you and you're not the one for him. Don't go down the road I've just been down by persuading myself to ignore the warning signs. I know it's hard but move on.

Thinking he's not good enough and comparing himself to others is not healthy behaviour. If it's worth a mention at the forefront of your story, I have to doubt that this guy just went cold on you because he's not interested in what you have to offer. It sounds like he has severe mental health issues or isn't in a good enough frame of mind to sustain a relationship at all. What you're doing is forcing the issue and not seeing what's before you because you just want whatever you want without respecting or listening to what the other person wants or needs. This produces all kinds of bad. Stop forcing it and let him be. When a healthy person chooses to be with you, a relationship takes on a whole different feel.

I think he wants to end the relationship but you keep hanging on when you shouldn't. So he comes back because it's convenient, but not really what he wants.

 

You need to believe him that he isn't the one for you. When you have to convince someone to be with you, you're barking up the wrong tree. It's not about his self-esteem. It's about yours, or lack thereof.

Yep... He's just not that into you OP but refuses to own it. This is a classic behavior of someone that is afraid to take the responsibility of ending the relationship and is trying to push you away hoping you will do it instead. Rather than chasing him and pulling him back in over and over again... take the hint and end it for your own sanity.